Mills and Folger easily fell into the same pitiable foolery, on

Pierson's introduction. And the lucky humbug was very soon living in

clover in Mills' house, which he chose first; had admitted the happy

fools, Pierson and Folger, as the first two members of his true church;

Pierson, believing that from Elijah the Tishbite he had become John the

Baptist, devoted himself as a kind of servant to his new Messiah; and

the deluded men began to supply all the temporal wants of the impostor,

believing their estates set apart as the beginning of the material

Kingdom of God!

After three months, some of Mills' friends, on charges of lunacy, caused

Mills to be sent to Bloomingdale Asylum, and Matthias to be thrust into

the insane poor's ward at Bellevue, where his beard was forcibly cut

off, to his extreme disgust. His brother, however, got him out by a

habeas corpus, and he went to live with Folger. Mills now disappears

from the story.

Matthias remained in the full enjoyment of his luxurious establishment,

until September, 1834, it is true, with a few uncomfortable

interruptions. He was always both insolent and cowardly, and thus often

irritated some strong-minded auditor, and got himself into some pickle

where he had to sneak out, which he did with much ease. In his seedy

days the landlord of a hotel in whose bar-room he used to preach and

curse, put him down when he grew too abusive, by coolly and sternly

telling him to go to bed. Mr. Folger himself had one or two brief

intervals of sense, in one of which, angered at some insolence of

Matthias, he seized him by the throat, shook him well, and flung him

down upon a sofa. The humbug knowing that his living was in danger, took

this very mildly, and readily accepted the renewed assurances of belief

which poor Folger soon gave him. In the village of Sing Sing where

Folger had a country-seat which he called Mount Zion, Matthias was

exceedingly obnoxious. His daughter had married a Mr. Laisdell; and the

humbug, who claimed that all Christian marriages were void and wicked,

by some means induced the young wife to come to Sing Sing, where he

whipped her more than once quite cruelly. Her husband came and took her

away after encountering all the difficulty which Matthias dared make;

and, at a hearing in the matter before a magistrate, he was very near

getting tarred and feathered, if not something worse, and the danger

frightened him very much.

He barely escaped being shaved by violence, and being thrown overboard

to test his asserted miraculous powers, at the hands of a stout and

incredulous farmer on the steamboat between Sing Sing and New York.

While imprisoned at Bellevue before his trial, he was tossed in a

blanket by the prisoners, to make him give them some money. The unlucky

prophet dealt out damnation to them in great quantities; but they told

him it wouldn't work, and the poor humbug finally, instead of casting

them into hell, paid them a quarter of a dollar apiece to let him off.

When he was about to leave Folger's house, some roguish young men of

Sing Sing forged a warrant, and with a counterfeit officer seized the

humbug, and a second time shaved him by force. He was one day terribly

"set back" as the phrase is, by a sharpish answer. He gravely asserted

to a certain man that he had been on the earth eighteen hundred years.

His hearer, startled and irreverent, exclaimed:

"The devil you have! Do you tell me so?"

"I do," said the prophet.

"Then," rejoined the other, "all I have to say is, you are a remarkably

good-looking fellow for one of your age."

The confounded prophet grinned, scowled, and exclaimed indignantly:

"You are a devil, Sir!" and marched off.

In the beginning of August, 1834, the unhappy Pierson died in Folger's

house, under circumstances amounting to strong circumstantial evidence

that Matthias, with the help of the colored cook, an enthusiastic

disciple, had poisoned him with arsenic. The rascal pretended that his

own curse had slain Pierson. There was a post mortem, an indictment, and

a trial, but the evidence was not strong enough for conviction. Being

acquitted, he was at once tried again for an assault and battery on his

daughter by the aforesaid whippings; and on this charge he was found

guilty and sent to the county jail for three months, in April, 1835. The

trial for murder was just before--the prophet having lain in prison

since his apprehension for murder in the preceding autumn. Mr. Folger's

delusion had pretty much disappeared by the end of the summer of 1834.

He had now become ruined, partly in consequence of foolish speculations

jointly with Pierson, believed to be conducted under Divine guidance,

and partly because his strange conduct destroyed his business reputation

and standing. The death of Pierson, and some very queer matters about

another apparent poisoning-trick, awakened the suspicions of the

Folgers; and after a good deal of scolding and trouble with the

impostor, who hung on to his comfortable home like a good fellow, Folger

finally turned him out, and then had him taken up for swindling. He had

been too foolish himself, however, to maintain this charge; but, shortly

after, the others, for murder and assault, followed, with a little

better success.

This imprisonment seems to have put a sudden and final period to the

prophetical and religious operations of Master Matthias, and to the

follies of his victims, too. I know of no subsequent developments of

either kind. Matthias disappears from public life, and died, it is said,

in Arkansas; but when, or after what further career, I don't know. He

was a shallow knave, and undoubtedly also partly crazy and partly the

dupe of his own nonsense. If he had not so opportunely found victims of

good standing, he would not have been remembered at all, except as

George Munday, the "hatless prophet," and "Angel Gabriel Orr," are

remembered--as one more obscure, crazy street-preacher. And as soon as

his accidental supports of other people's money and enthusiasm failed

him, he disappeared at once. Many of my readers will remember

distinctly, as I do, the remarkable career of this man, and the

humiliating position in which his victims were placed. In the face of

such an exposition as this of the weakness and credulity of poor human

nature in this enlightened country of common schools and colleges, in

the boasted wide-awake nineteenth century, who shall deny that we can

study with interest and profit the history of impositions which have

been practiced upon mankind in every possible phase throughout every age

of the world, including the age in which we live? There is literally no

end to these humbugs; and the reader of these pages, weak as may be my

attempts to do the subject justice, will learn that there is no country,

no period, and no sphere in life which has not been impiously invaded

by the genius of humbug, under more disguises and in more shapes than it

has entered into the heart of man to conceive.

CHAPTER XLV.

A RELIGIOUS HUMBUG ON JOHN BULL.--JOANNA SOUTHCOTT.--THE SECOND SHILOH.

Joanna Southcott was born at St. Mary's Ottery in Devonshire, about the

year 1750. She was a plain, stout-limbed, hard-fisted farmer lass, whose

toils in the field--for her father was in but very moderate

circumstances--had tawned her complexion and hardened her muscles, at an

early age. As she grew toward woman's estate, necessity compelled her to

leave her home and seek service in the city of Exeter, where for many

years, she plodded on very quietly in her obscure path, first, as a

domestic hireling, and subsequently as a washer woman.

I have an old and esteemed friend on Staten Island whose father, still

living, recollects Joanna well, as she used to come regularly to his

house of a Monday morning, to her task of cleansing the family linen. He

was then but a little lad, yet he remembers her quite well, with her

stout, robust frame, and buxom and rather attractive countenance, and

her queer ways. Even then she was beginning to invite attention by her

singular manners and discourse, which led many to believe her demented.

It was at Exeter that Joanna became religiously impressed, and joined

the Wesleyan Methodists, as a strict and extreme believer in the

doctrines of that sect. During her attendance upon the Wesleyan rites,

she became intimate with one Sanderson, who, whether a designing rogue,

or only a very fanatical believer, pretended that he had discovered in

the good washerwoman a Bible prodigy; and it was not long before the

poor creature began literally, to "see sights" and dream dreams of the

most preternatural description, for which Sanderson always had ready

some very telling interpretation. Her visions were of the most

thoroughly "mixed" character withal, sometimes transporting her to the

courts of heaven, and sometimes to a very opposite region, celebrated

for its latent and active caloric. When she ranged into the lower world,

she had a very unpleasant habit of seeing sundry scoffers and

unbelievers (in herself) belonging to the congregation, in very close

but disadvantageous intercourse with the Evil One, who was represented

as having a particular eye to others around her, even while they laid

claim to special piety. Of course, such revelations as these could not

be tolerated in any well regulated community, and when some most

astounding religious gymnastics performed by Joanna in the midst of

prayers and sermons, occurred to heap up the measure of her offences, it

became full time to take the matter in hand, and the prophetess was

expelled. Now, those whom she had not served up openly with brimstone,

agreeing with her about those whom she had thus "cooked," and delighted

in their own exemption from that sort of dressing, seceded in

considerable numbers, and became Joanna's followers. This gave her a

nucleus to work upon, and between 1790 and 1800, she managed to make

herself known throughout Britain, proclaiming that she was to be the

destined Mother of the Second Messiah, and although originally quite

illiterate, picking up enough general information and Bible lore, to

facilitate her publication of several very curious, though sometimes

incoherent works. One of the earliest and most startling of these was

her "Warning to the whole World, from the Sealed Prophecies of Joanna

Southcott, and other communications given since the writings were opened

on the 12th of January, 1803." This foretold the close approach of the

great red dragon of the Revelations, "with seven heads and ten horns,

and seven crowns upon his heads," and the birth of the "man-child who

was to rule all nations with a rod of iron."

In 1805, a shoemaker named Tozer built her a chapel in Exeter at his

own expense, and it was, from the first, constantly filled on

service-days with eager worshipers. Here she gave exhortations, and

prophesied in a species of religious frenzy or convulsion, sometimes

uttering very heavy prose, and sometimes the most fearful doggerel

rhyme resembling--well--perhaps our album effusions here at home!

Indeed, I can think of nothing else equally fearful. In these

paroxysms, Joanna raved like an ancient Pythoness whirling on her

tripod, and to just about the same purpose. Yet, it was astonishing to

see how the thing went down. Crowds of intelligent people came from all

parts of the United Kingdom to listen, be converted, and to receive

the "seals" (as they were called) that secured their fortunate

possessor unimpeded and immediate admission to heaven. Of course,

tickets so precious could not be given away for nothing, and the seal

trade in this new form proved very lucrative.

The most remarkable of all these conversions was that of the celebrated

engraver, William Sharp, who, notwithstanding his eminent position as an

artist, by no means bore out his name in other things. He had previously

become thoroughly imbued with the notions of Swedenborg, Mesmer, and the

famous Richard Brothers, and was quite ripe for anything fantastic. Such

a convert was a perfect godsend to Joanna, and she was easily persuaded

to accompany him to London, where her congregations rapidly increased to

enormous proportions, even rivaling those now summoned by the "drum

ecclesiastical" and orthodox of the Rev. Mr. Spurgeon.

The whole sect extended until, in 1813, it numbered no less than one

hundred thousand members, signed and "sealed"--Mr. Sharp occupying a

most conspicuous position at the very footstool of the Prophetess. Late

in 1813, appeared the "Book of Wonders," "in five parts," and it was a

clincher. Poor Sharp came in largely for the expenses, but valiantly

stood his ground against it all. At length, in 1814, the great Joanna

dazzled the eyes of her adherents and the world at large with her

"Prophecies concerning the Prince of Peace." This delectable manifesto

flatly announced to mankind that the second Shiloh, so long expected,

would be born of the Prophetess at midnight, on October 19, in that

same year, _i. e._ 1814. The inspired writer was then enceinte, although

a virgin, as she expressly and solemnly declared, and in the

sixty-fourth year of her age. Among the other preternatural concomitants

of this anticipated eventful birth, was the fact that the period of her

pregnancy had lasted for several years.

Of course, this stupendous announcement threw the whole sect into

ecstasies of religious exultation; while, on the other hand, it afforded

a fruitful subject of ridicule for the utterly irreverent London

pamphleteers. Poor Sharp, who had caused a magnificent cradle and

baby-wardrobe to be got ready at his own expense, was most unmercifully

scored. The infant was caricatured with a long gray beard and

spectacles, with Sharp in a duster carefully rocking him to sleep, while

Joanna the Prophetess treated the engraver to some "cuts" in her own

style, with a bunch of twigs.

On the appointed night, the street in which Joanna lived was thronged

with the faithful, who, undeterred by sarcasm, fully credited her

prediction. They bivouacked on the side-walks in motley crowds of men,

women, and children; and as the hours wore on, and their interest

increased, burst forth into spontaneous psalmody. The adjacent

thoroughfares were as densely jammed with curious and incredulous

spectators, and the mutton pie and ballad businesses flourished

extensively. The interior of the house, with the exception of the sick

chamber, was illuminated in all directions, and the dignitaries of the

sect held the ante-rooms and corridors, "in full fig," to receive the

expected guest. But the evening passed, then midnight came, then

morning, but alas! no Shiloh; and, little by little, the disappointed

throngs dispersed! Poor Joanna, however, kept her bed, and finally,

after many fresh paroxysms and prophecies, on the 27th of December,

1814, gave up the ghost--the indefatigable Sharp still declaring that

she had gone to heaven for a season, only to legitimatize the unborn

infant, and would re-arise again from death, after four days, with the

Shiloh in her arms. So firm was this faith in him and many other

respectable persons, that the body of the Prophetess was retained in her

house until the very last moment. When the dissection demanded by the

majority of the sect could no longer be delayed, that operation was

performed, and it was found that the subject had died of ovarian dropsy;

but was--as she had always maintained herself to be--a virgin. Dr.

Reece, who had been a devout believer, but was now undeceived, published

a full account of this and all the other circumstances of her death, and

another equally earnest disciple bore the expenses of her burial at St.

John's Wood, and placed over her a tombstone with appropriate

inscriptions.

As late as 1863, there were many families of believers still existing

near Chatham, in Kent; and even in this country can here and there be

found admirers of the creed of Joanna Southcott, who are firmly

convinced that she will re-appear some fine morning, with Sanderson on

one side of her and Sharp on the other.

CHAPTER XLVI.

THE FIRST HUMBUG IN THE WORLD.--ADVANTAGES OF STUDYING THE IMPOSITIONS

OF FORMER AGES.--HEATHEN HUMBUGS.--THE ANCIENT MYSTERIES.--THE

CABIRI.--ELEUSIS.--ISIS.

The domain of humbug reaches back to the Garden of Eden, where the

Father of lies practised it upon our poor, innocent first grandmother,

Eve. This was the first and worst of all humbugs. But from that eventful

day to the present moment, falsehood, hypocrisy, deception, imposition,

cant, bigotry, false appearances and false pretences, superstitions, and

all conceivable sorts of humbugs, have had a full swing, and he or she

who watches these things most closely, and reflects most deeply upon

these various peculiarities, bearings, and results, will be best

qualified to detect and to avoid them. For this reason, I should look

upon myself as somewhat of a public benefactor, in exposing the humbugs

of the world, if I felt competent to do the subject full justice.

Next to the fearful humbug practiced upon our first parents, came

heathen humbugs generally. All heathenism and idolatry are one grand

complex humbug to begin with. All the heathen religions always were, and

are still, audacious, colossal, yet shallow and foolish, humbugs. The

heathen humbugs were played off by the priests, the shrewdest men then

alive. It is a curious fact that the heathen humbugs were all solemn.

This was because they were intended to maintain the existing religions,

which, like all false religions, could not endure ridicule. They always

appealed to the pious terrors of the public, as well as to its ignorance

and appetite for marvels. They offered nothing pleasant, nothing to

love, nothing to gladden the heart and lift it up in joyful gratitude,

true adoration, and childlike confidence, prayer, and thanksgiving. On

the contrary, awful noises, fearful sights, frightful threats, foaming

at the mouth, dark sayings, secret processions, bloody sacrifices, grim

priests, costly offerings, sleeps in darksome caverns to wait for a

dream from the god--these were the machineries of the ancient heathen.

They were as crude and as ferocious as those of the King of Dahomey, or

of the barbarous negroes of the Guinea coast. But they often show a

cunning as keen and effective as that of any quack, or Philadelphia

lawyer, or Davenport Brother, or Jackson Davis of to-day.

The most prominent of the heathen humbugs were the mysteries, the

oracles, the sibyls (N. B., the word is often mis-spelled sybils,) and

augury. Every respectable Pagan religion had some mysteries, just as

every respectable Christian family has a bible--and, as an ill-natured

proverb has it, a skeleton. It was considered a poor religion--a one

horse religion, so to speak--that had no mysteries.

The chief mysteries were those of the Cabiri, of Eleusis, and of Isis.

These mysteries used exactly the same kind of machinery which proves so

effective every day in modern mysteries, viz., shows, processions,

voices, lights, dark rooms, frightful sights, solemn mummeries,

striking costumes, big talks and preachments, threats, gabbles of

nonsense, etc., etc.

The mysteries of the Cabiri are the most ancient of which anything is

known. These Cabiri were a sort of "Original old Dr. Jacob Townsends" of

divinities. They were considered senior and superior to Jupiter,

Neptune, Plato, and the gods of Olympus. They were Pelasgic, that is,

they belonged to that unknown ancient people from whom both the Greek

and the Latin nations are thought to have come. The Cabiri afterward

figured as the "elder gods" of Greece, the inventors of religion, and of

the human race in fact, and were kept so very dark that it is not even

known, with any certainty, who they were. The ancient heathen gods, like

modern thieves, very usually objected to pass by their real names. The

Cabiri were particularly at home in Lemnos, and afterward in Samothrace.

Their mysteries were of a somewhat unpleasant character, as far as we

know them. The candidate had to pass a long time almost starved, and

without any enjoyment whatever; was then let into a dark temple, crowned

with olive, tied round with a purple girdle, and frightened almost to

death with horrid noises, terrible sights of some kind, great flashes of

light and deep darkness between, etc., etc. There was a ceremony of

absolution from past sin, and a formal beginning of a new life. It is a

curious fact, that this performance seems to have been a kind of pious

marine insurance company; as the initiated, it was believed, could not

be drowned. Perhaps they were put in a way to obtain a drier

strangulation. The reason why these ceremonies were kept so successfully

secret, is plain. Each man, as he was let in, and found what nonsense it

was, was sure to hold his tongue and help the next man in, as in the

modern case of the celebrated "Sons of Malta." It is to be admitted,

however, to the credit of the Cabiri, that a doctrine of reformation, or

of living a better practical life, seems to have been part of their

religion. This is an interesting recognition, by heathen consciences, of

one of the greatest moral truths which Christianity has enforced.

Something of the same kind can be traced in other heathen mysteries. But

these heathen attempts at virtue invariably rotted out into aggravations

of vice. No religion except Christianity ever contained the principle of

improvement in it. Bugaboos and hob-goblins may serve for a time to

frighten the ignorant into obedience; but if they get a chance to cheat

the devil, they will be sure to do it. Nothing but the great doctrine of

Christian love and brotherhood, and of a kind and paternal Divine

government, has ever proved to be permanently reformatory, and tending

to lift the heart above the vices and passions to which poor human

nature is prone.

The mysteries of Eleusis were celebrated every year at Eleusis, near

Athens, in honor of Ceres, and were a regular "May Anniversary," so to

speak, for the pious heathens of the period. It took just nine days to

complete them; long enough for a puppy to get its eyes open. The

candidates were very handsomely put through. On the first day, they got

together; on the second, they took a wash in the sea; on the third,

they had some ceremonies about Proserpine; on the fourth, no mortal

knows what they did; on the fifth, they marched round a temple, two and

two, with torches, like a Wide-Awake procession; on the sixth, seventh,

and eighth, there were more processions, and the initiation proper, said

to have been something like that of Free-masonry; so that we may suppose

the victims rode the goat and were broiled on the gridiron. On the ninth

day, the ceremony, they say, consisted in overturning two vessels of

wine. I fear by this means that they all got drunk; and the more so,

because the coins of Eleusis have a hog on one side, as much as to say,

We make hogs of ourselves.

There was a set of mysteries at Athens, called Thesmophoria, and one at

Rome, called the mysteries of the Bona Dea, which were celebrated by

married women only. Various notions prevailed as to what they did. But

can there be any reasonable doubt about it? They were, I fear,

systematic conspirators' meetings, in which the more experienced matrons

instructed the junior ones how to manage their husbands. If this was not

their object, then it was to maintain the influence of the heathen

clergy over the heathen ladies. Women have always been the constituents

of priests where false religions prevailed, as they have, for better

purposes, of the ministers of the Gospel among Christians.

The mysteries of the goddess Isis, which originated in Egypt, were, in

general, like those of Ceres at Eleusis. The Persian mysteries of

Mithra, which were very popular during part of the latter days of the

Roman empire, were of the same sort. So were those of Bacchus, Juno,

Jupiter, and various other heathen gods. All of them were celebrated

with great solemnity and secrecy; all included much that was terrifying;

and all of their secrets have been so faithfully kept that we have only

guesses and general statements about the details of the performances.

Their principal object seems to have been to secure the initiated

against misfortunes, and to gain prosperity in the future. Some have

imagined that very wonderful and glorious truths were revealed in the

midst of these heathen humbugs. But I guess that the more we find out

about them, the bigger humbugs they will appear, as happened to the

travelers who held a _post mortem_ on the great heathen god in the

story. This was a certain very terrible and powerful divinity among some

savage tribes, of whom dreadful stories were told--very authentic, of

course! Some unbelieving scamps of travelers, by unlawful ways, managed

to get into the innermost sacred place of the temple one night. They

found the god to be done up in a very large and suspicious looking

bundle. Having sacrilegiously cut the string, they unrolled one envelop

of mats and cloths after another, until they had taken off more than a

hundred wrappers. The god grew smaller, and smaller, and smaller; and

the wonder of the travelers what he could be, larger and larger. At

last, the very innermost of all the coverings fell off, and the great

heathen god was revealed in all his native majesty. It was a cracked

soda-water bottle! This indicates--what is beyond all question the

fact--that the heathen mysteries had their foundation in gas. Indeed,

the whole composition of these impositions was, gammon, deception,

hypocrisy--Humbug! Truly, the science of Humbug is entitled to some

consideration, simply for its antiquity, if for nothing else.

CHAPTER XLVII.

HEATHEN HUMBUGS NO. 2.--HEATHEN STATED

SERVICES.--ORACLES.--SIBYLS.--AUGURIES.

Something must be said about the Oracles, the Sibyls, and the Auguries;

which, besides the mysteries elsewhere spoken of, were the chief

assistant humbugs or side shows used for keeping up the great humbug

heathen religion.

One word about the regular worship of heathenism; what maybe called

their stated services. They had no weekly day of worship, indeed no

week, and no preaching such as ours is; that is, no regular instruction

by the ministers of religion, intended for all the people. They had

singing and praying after their fashion; the singing being a sort of

chant of praise to whatever idol was under treatment at the time, and

the praying being in part vain repetitions of the name of their god, and

for the rest a request that the god would do or give whatever was asked

of him as a fair business transaction, in return for the agreeable smell

of the fine beef they had just roasted under his nose, or for whatever

else they had given him; as, a sum of money, a pair of pantaloons (or

whatever they wore instead,) a handsome golden cup. This made the temple

a regular shop, where the priests traded off promised benefits for real

beef; coining blessings into cash on the nail; a very thorough humbug.

Such public religious ceremonies as the heathen had were mostly annual,

sometimes monthly. There were also daily ones, which were, however, the

daily business of the priests, and none of the business of the laymen.

To return to the subject.

All the heathen oracles, old and new (for abundance of them are still

agoing,) sibyls, auguries and all, show how universally and naturally,

and humbly and helplessly too, poor human nature longs to see into the

future, and longs for help and guidance from some power, higher than

itself.

Thus considered, these shallow humbugs teach a useful lesson, for they

constitute a strong proof of man's inborn natural recognition of some

God, of some obligation to a higher power, of some disembodied

existence; and so they show a natural human want of exactly what the

Christian revelation supplies, and constitute a powerful evidence for

Christianity.

All the heathen religions, I believe, had oracles of some kind. But the

Greek and Latin ones tell the whole story. Of these there were over a

hundred; more than twenty of Apollo, who was the god of soothsaying,

divination, prophecy, and of the supernatural side of heathen humbug

generally; thirty or forty collectively of Jupiter, Ceres, Mercury,

Pluto, Juno, Ino (a very good name for a goddess that gave oracles,

though she didn't know!), Faunus, Fortune, Mars, etc., and nearly as

many of demi-gods, heroes, giants, etc., such as Amphiaraus,

Amphilochus, Trophonius, Geryon, Ulysses, Calchas, AEsculapius,

Hercules, Pasiphae, Phryxus, etc. The most celebrated and most

patronized of them all was the great oracle of Apollo, at Delphi. The

"little fee" appears to have been the only universal characteristic of

the proceedings for obtaining an answer from the god. Whether you got

your reply in words spoken by the rattling of an old pot, by observing

an ox's appetite, throwing dice, or sleeping for a dream, your own

proceedings were essentially the same. "Terms invariably net cash in

advance or its equivalent." A fine ox or sheep sacrificed was cash; for

after the god had had his smell (those ladies and gentlemen appear to

have eaten as they say the Yankees talk--through their noses,) all the

rest was put carefully away by the reverend clergy for dinner, and saved

so much on the butcher's bill. If your credit was good, you might

receive your oracle and afterward send in any little acknowledgment in

the form of a golden goblet, or statue, or vase, or even of a remittance

in specie. Such gifts accumulated in the oracle at Delphi and to an

immense amount, and to the great emolument of Brennus, a matter of fact

Gaulish commander, who, at his invasion of Greece, coolly carried off

all the bullion, without any regard to the screeches of the Pythoness,

and with no more scruples than any burglar.

The Delphian oracle worked through a woman, who, on certain days, went

and sat on a three-legged stool over a hole in the ground in Apollo's

temple. This hole sent out gas; which, instead of being used like that

afforded by holes in the ground at Fredonia, N. Y., to illuminate the

village, was much more shrewdly employed by the clerical gentlemen to

shine up the knowledge-boxes of their customers, and introduce the

glitter of gold into their own pockets. I merely throw out the hint to

any speculating Fredonian who owns a hole in the ground. Well, the

Pythia, as this female was termed, warmed up her understanding over this

hole, as you have seen ladies do over the register of a hot-air furnace,

and becoming excited, she presently began to be drunk or crazy, and in

her fit she gabbled forth some words or noises. These the priests took

down, and then told the customer that the noises meant so-and-so! When

business was brisk they worked two Pythias, turn and turn about (or, as

they say at sea, watch and watch), and kept a third all cocked and

primed in case of accident, besides; for this gas sometimes gave the

priestess (literally) fits, which killed her in a few days.

Other oracles gave answers in many various ways. The priest quietly

wrote down whatever answer he chose; or inspected the insides of a

slaughtered beast, and said that the bowels meant this and that. At

Telmessus the inquirer peeped into a well, where he must see a picture

in the water which was his answer; at any rate, if this wouldn't do he

got none. This plan was evidently based on the idea that "truth is at

the bottom of a well." At Dodona, they hung brass pots on the trees and

translated the banging these made when the wind blew them together. At

Pherae, you whispered your question in the ear of the image of Mercury,

and then shutting your ears until you got out of the market-place, the

first remark you heard from anybody was the answer, and you might make

the best of it. At Pluto's oracle at Charae, the priest took a dream,

and in the morning told you what he chose. In the cave of Trophonius,

after various terrifying performances, they pulled you through a hole

the wrong way of the feathers, and then back again, and then stuck you

upon a seat, and made you write down your own oracle, being what you had

seen, which would, I imagine, usually be "the elephant."

And so-forth, and so on. Humbug _ad libitum!_

Like some of the more celebrated modern fortune-tellers, the managers of

the oracles were frequently shrewd fellows, and could often pick up the

materials of a very smart and judicious answer from the appearance of

the customer and his question. Very often the answer was sheer nonsense.

It was, in fact, believed by many that as a rule you couldn't tell what

the response meant until after it was fulfilled, when you were expected

to see it. In many cases the answers were ingeniously arranged, so as to

mean either a good or evil result, one of which was pretty likely.

Thus, one of the oracles answered a general who asked after the fate of

his campaign as follows: (the ancients, remember, using no punctuation

marks) "Thou shalt go thou shalt return never in war shalt thou perish."

The point becomes visible when you first make a pause before "never,"

and then after it.

On a similar occasion, the Delphic oracle told Croesus that if he

crossed the River Halys he would overthrow a great empire. This empire

he chose to understand as that of Cyrus, whom he was going to fight. It

came out the other way, and it was his own empire that was overthrown.

The immense wisdom of the oracle, however, was tremendously respected in

consequence!

Pyrrhus, of Epirus, on setting off against the Romans, received equal

satisfaction, the Pythia telling him (in Latin) what amounted to this:

"I say that you Pyrrhus the Romans are able to conquer!"

Pyrrhus took it as he wished it, but found himself sadly thimble-rigged,

the little joker being under the wrong cup. The Romans beat him, and

most wofully too.

Trajan was advised to consult the oracle at Heliopolis, about his

intended expedition against the Parthians. The custom was to send your

query in a letter; so Trajan sent a blank note in an envelope. The god

(very naturally) sent back a blank note in reply, which was thought

wonderfully smart; and so the imperial dupe sent again, a square

question:

"Shall I finish this war and get safe back to Rome?"

The Heliopolitan humbug replied by sending a piece of an old grape-vine

cut into pieces, which meant either: "You will cut them up," or "They

will cut you up;" and Trajan, like the little boy at the peep-show who

asked: "which is Lord Wellington and which is the Emperor Napoleon?" had

paid his penny and might take his choice.

Sometimes the oracles were quite jocular. A man asked one of them how to

get rich? The oracle said: "Own all there is between Sicyon and

Corinth." Which places are some fifteen miles apart.

Another fellow asked how he should cure his gout? The oracle coolly

said: "Drink nothing but cold water!"

The Delphic oracle, and some of the others, used for a long time to give

their answers in verses. At last, however, irreverent critics of the

period made so much fun of the peculiarly miserable style of this

poetry, that the poor oracle gave it up and came down to plain prose.

Every once in a while some energetic and cunning man, of skeptical

character, insisted on having just such an answer as he wanted. It was

well known that Philip of Macedon bought what responses he wished at

Delphi. Anybody with plenty of money, who would quietly "see" the

priests, could have such a response as he chose. Or, if he was a

bull-headed, hard-fisted, fighting-man, of irreligious but energetic

mind, the priests gave him what he wished, out of fear. When

Themistocles wanted to encourage the Greeks against the Persians, he

"fixed" Delphi by bribes. When Alexander the Great came to consult the

same oracle, the Pythia was disinclined to perform. But Alexander rather

roughly gave her to understand that she must, and she did. The Greek and

Roman oracles finally all gave out not far from the time of Christ's

coming, having gradually become more or less disreputable for many

years.

All the heathen nations, as I have said, had their oracles too. The

heathen Scandinavians had a famous one at Upsal. The Getae, in Scythia,

had one. The Druids had them; so did the Mexican priests. The Egyptian

and Syrian divinities had them; in short, oracles were quite as

necessary as mysteries, and continue so in heathen religions. The only

exception, I believe, is in Mohammedanism, whose votaries save

themselves any trouble about the future by their thorough fatalism. They

believe so fully and vividly that everything is immovably predestinated,

being at the same time perfectly sure of heaven at last, that they

quietly receive everything as it comes, and don't take the least trouble

to find out how it is coming.

The Sibyls were women, supposed to be inspired by some divinity, who

prophesied of the future. Some say there was but one; some two, three,

four, or ten. All sorts of obscure stories are told about the time and

place of their activity. There was the Persian or Chaldean, who is said

to have foretold with many details the coming and career of Christ; the

Lybian, the Delphic, the Cumaean, much honored by the Romans, and half a

dozen more. Then there was Mantho, the daughter of Tiresias, who was

sent from Thebes to Delphi in a bag, seven hundred and twenty years

before the destruction of Troy. These ladies lived in caves, and among

them are said to have composed the Sibylline books, which contained the

mysteries of religion, were carefully kept out of sight at Rome, and

finally came into the hands of the Emperor Constantine. They were

burned, one story has it, about fifty years after his death. But there

are some Sibylline books extant, which, however, are among the most

transparent of humbugs, for they are full of all sorts of extracts and

statements from the Old and New Testaments. I do not believe there ever

were any Sibyls. If there were any, they were probably ill-natured and

desperate old maids, who turned so sour-tempered that their friends had

to drive them off to live by themselves, and who, under these

circumstances, went to work and wrote books.

I must crowd in here a word or two about the Auguries and the Augurs.

These gentlemen were a sort of Roman priests, who were accustomed to

foretell future events, decide on coming good or bad fortune, whether it

would do to go on with the elections, to begin any enterprise or not,

etc., by means of various signs. These were thunder; the way any birds

happened to fly; the way that the sacred chickens ate; the appearance of

the entrails of beasts sacrificed, etc., etc. These augurs were, for a

long time, much respected in Rome, but, at last, the more thoughtful

people lost their belief in them, and they became so ridiculous that

Cicero, who was himself one of them, said he could not see how one augur

could look another in the face without laughing.

It is humiliating to reflect how long and how extensively such barefaced

and monstrous humbugs as these have maintained unquestioned authority

over almost the whole race of man. Nor has humanity, by any means,

escaped from such debasing slavery now; for millions and millions of men

still believe and practice forms and ceremonies even more absurd, if

possible, than the Mysteries, Oracles, and Auguries.

CHAPTER XLVIII.

MODERN HEATHEN HUMBUGS.--FETISHISM.--OBI.--VAUDOUX.--INDIAN

POWWOWS.--LAMAISM.--REVOLVING PRAYERS.--PRAYING TO DEATH.

A scale of superstition and religious beliefs of to-day, arranged from

the lowest to the highest, would show many curious coincidences with

another scale, which should trace the history of superstitions and

religious beliefs backward in time toward the origin of man. Thus, for

instance, the heathen humbugs, whether revolting or ridiculous, which I

am to speak of in this chapter, are in full blast to day; and they

furnish perfect specimens of the beliefs which prevailed among the

heathen of four thousand and of eighteen hundred years ago; of the

Chaldee and Canaanite superstitions, and equally of those of the Romans

under Augustus Caesar.

The most dirty, vulgar, low, silly and absurd of all the superstitions

in the world are, as is natural, those of the darkest minded of all the

heathen, who have any superstition at all. For, as if for the

humiliation of our proud human nature, there are really some human

beings who seem to have too little intellect even to rise to the height

of a superstition. Such are the Andaman Islanders, who crawl on all

fours, wear nothing but a plaster of mud to keep the musquitos off, eat

bugs, and grubs, and ants, and turn their children out to shift for

themselves as soon as the little wretches can learn to crawl and eat

bugs.

These lowest of superstitions are Fetishism and Obi, believed and

practiced by negro tribes, and, remember this, even by their ignorant

white mistresses in the West Indies and in the United States, to day.

Yes, I know where Southern refugee secessionist women are living in and

about New York city at this moment, who really believe in the negro

witchcraft called Obi, practiced by the slaves.

A Fetish is anything not a living being, worshiped because supposed to

be inhabited by some god. In some parts of Africa the Fetishes are a

sort of guardian divinity, and there is one for each district like a

town constable; and sometimes one for each family. The Fetish is any

stone picked up in the street--a tree, a chip, a rag. It may be some

stone or wooden image--an old pot, a knife, a feather. Before this

precious divinity the poor darkeys bow down and worship, and sometimes,

sacrifice a sheep or a rooster. Each more important Fetish has a priest,

and here is where the humbug comes in. This gentleman lives on the

offerings made to the Fetish, and he "exploits" his god, as a Frenchman

would say, with great profit.

Obi or Obeah, is the name of the witchcraft of the negro tribes; and the

practitioner is termed an Obi-man or Obi-woman. They practice it at home

in Africa, and carry it with them to continue it when they are made

slaves in other lands. Obi is now practiced, as I have already hinted,

in Cuba and in the Southern States, and is believed in by the more

ignorant and foolish white people, as much as by their barbarous

slaves. Obi is used only to injure, and the way to perform it upon your

enemy is, to hire the Obi man or woman to concoct a charm, and then to

hide this, or cause it to be hidden, in some place about the person or

abode of the victim where he will find it. He is expected thereupon to

fall ill, to wither and waste away, and so to die.

Absurd as it may seem, this cursing business operates with a good deal

of certainty on the poor negroes, who fall sick instantly on finding the

ball of Obi, two or three inches in diameter, hidden in their bed, or in

the roof, or under the threshold, or in the earthen floor of their huts.

The poor wretches become dejected, lose appetite, strength, and spirits,

grow thin and ill, and really wither away and die. It is a curious fact,

however, that if under these circumstances you can cause one of them to

become converted to Christianity, or to become a Christian by

profession, he becomes at once free from the witches' dominion and

quickly recovers.

The ball of Obi--or, as it is called among the Brazilian negroes,

Mandinga--may be made of various materials, always, I believe, including

some which are disgusting or horrible. Leaves of trees and scraps of rag

may be used; ashes, usually from bones or flesh of some kind; pieces of

cats' bones and skulls, feathers, hair, earth, or clay, which ought to

be from a grave; teeth of men and of snakes, alligators or other beasts;

vegetable gum, or other sticky stuff; human blood, pieces of eggshell,

etc., etc. This mixture is curiously like that in the witches' caldron

in Macbeth, which, among other equally toothsome matters, contained

frogs' toes, bats' wool, lizards' legs, owlets' wings, wolfs' teeth,

witches' mummy, Jew's liver, tigers' bowels, and lastly, as a sort of

thickening to the gravy, baboon's blood.

A creole lady, now at the North, recently told a friend of mine that

"the negroes can put some pieces of paper, or powder, or something or

other in your shoes, that will make you sick, or make you do anything

they want!" The poor foolish woman told this with a face full of awe and

eyes wide open. Another lady known to me, long resident at the South,

tells me that the belief in this sort of devilism is often found among

the white people.

The practices called Vaudoux or Voudoux, are a sort of Obi; being, like

that, an invoking of the aid of some god to do what the worshipers wish.

The Vaudoux humbug is quite prevalent in Cuba, Hayti, and other West

India islands, where there are wild negroes, or where they are still

imported from Africa. There is also a good deal of this sort of humbug

among the slaves in New Orleans, and cases arising from it have recently

quite often appeared in the police reports in the newspapers of that

city.

The Vaudoux worshipers assemble secretly, with a kind of chief witch or

mistress of ceremonies; there is a boiling caldron of hell-broth, _a la_

Macbeth; the votaries dance naked around their soup; amulets and charms

are made and distributed. During a quarter of a century last past, some

hundreds of these orgies have been broken up by the New Orleans police,

and probably as many more have come off as per programme. The Vaudoux

processes are most frequently appealed to for the purposes of some

unsuccessful or jealous lover; and the Creole ladies believe in

Vaudouxism as much as in Obi.

In the West Indies, the Vaudoux orgies are more savage than in this

country. It is but a little while since in Hayti, under the energetic

and sensible administration of President Geffrard, eight Vaudoux

worshipers were regularly tried and executed for having murdered a young

girl, the niece of two of them, by way of human sacrifice to the god.

They tied the poor child tight, put her in a box called a humfort, fed

her with some kind of stuff for four days, and then deliberately

strangled her, beheaded her, flayed her, cooked the head with yams, ate

of the soup, and then performed a solemn dance and chant around an altar

with the skull on it.

The Caffres in Southern Africa have a kind of humbug somewhat like the

Obi-men, who are known as rainmakers. These gentlemen furnish what

blessing and cursing may be required for other purposes; but as that

country is liable to tremendous droughts, their best business is to make

rain. This they do by various prayers and ceremonies, of which the most

important part is, receiving a large fee in advance from the customer.

The rain-making business, though very lucrative, is not without its

disadvantages; for whenever Moselekatse, or Dingaan, or any other chief

sets his rainmaker at work, and the rain was not forthcoming as per

application, the indignant ruler caused an assegai or two to be stuck

through the wizard, for the encouragement of the other wizards. This

was not so unreasonable as it may seem; for if the man could not make

rain when it was wanted, what was he good for?

The ceremonies of the pow-wows or medicine-men of the North American

Indians, are less brutal than the African ones. These soothsayers, like

the Obi-men, prepared charms for their customers, usually, however, not

so much to destroy others as to protect the wearer. These charms consist

of some trifling matters tied up in a small bag, the "medicine-bag,"

which is to be worn round the neck, and will, it is supposed, insure the

wearer the special help and protection of the Great Spirit. The pow-wows

sometimes do a little in the cursing line.

There is a funny story of a Puritan minister in the early times of New

England, who coolly defied one of the most famous Indian magicians to

play off his infernal artillery. A formal meeting was had, and the

pow-wow rattled his traps, howled, danced, blew feathers, and

vociferated jargon until he was perfectly exhausted, the old minister

quietly looking at him all the time. The savage humbug was dumbfounded,

but quickly recovering his presence of mind, saved his home-reputation

by explaining to the red gentlemen in breech-cloths and nose-rings, that

the Yankee ate so much salt that curses wouldn't take hold on him at

all.

The Shamans (or Schamans) of Siberia, follow a very similar business,

but are not so much priestly humbugs as mere conjurors. The Lamas, or

Buddhist leaders of Central and Southern Asia are, however, regular

priests, again, and may be said, with singular propriety, to "run their

machine" on principles of thorough religious humbug, for they do really

pray by a machine. They set up a little mill to go by water or wind,

which turns a cylinder. On this cylinder is written a prayer, and every

time the barrel goes round once, it counts, they say, for one prayer. It

may be imagined how piety intensifies in a freshet, or in a heavy gale

of wind! And there is a ludicrous notion of economy, as well as a

pitiable folly in the conception of profiting by such windy

supplications, and of saving all one's time and thoughts for business,

while the prayers rattle out by the hundred at home. Only imagine the

pious fervor of one of these priests in a first-class Lowell mill, of

say a hundred thousand spindles. Print a large edition of some good

prayer and paste a copy on each spindle, and the place would seem to him

the very gate of a Buddhist heaven. He would feel sure of taking heaven

by storm, with a sustained fire of one hundred thousand prayers every

second. His first requisite for a prosperous church would be a good

water-power for prayer-mills. And yet, absurd as these prayer-mills of

the heathen really are, it may not be safe to bring them under

unqualified condemnation: for who among us has not sometimes heard windy

prayers even in our Christian churches? Young clergymen are especially

liable and, I might say, prone to this mockery. These, however, are but

exceptions to the general Christian rule, viz.: that the Omniscient

careth only for heart-service; and that, before Him, all mere

lip-service or machine-service, is simply an abomination.

A less innocent kind of praying is one of the religious humbugs of the

bloody and cruel Sandwich Islands form of heathenism. Here a practice

prevailed, and does yet, of paying money to a priest to pray your enemy

to death. For cash in advance, this bargain could always be made, and so

groveling was the spiritual cowardice of these poor savages, that, like

the negro victim of Obi, the man prayed at seldom failed to sicken as

soon as he found out what was going on, and to waste away and die.

This bit of heathen humbug now in operation, from so many distant

portions of the earth, shows how radically similar is all heathenism. It

shows, too, how mean, vulgar, filthy, and altogether vile, is such

religion as man, unassisted, contrives for himself. It shows, again, how

sadly great is the proportion of the human race still remaining in this

brutal darkness. And, by contrast, it affords us great reason for

thankfulness that we live in a land of better culture, and happier hopes

and practices.

CHAPTER XLIX.

ORDEALS.--DUELS.--WAGER OF BATTLE.--ABRAHAM THORNTON.--RED HOT

IRON.--BOILING WATER.--SWIMMING.--SWEARING.--CORSNED.--PAGAN ORDEALS.

Ordeals belong to times and communities of rudeness, violence,

materialism, ignorance, gross superstition and blind faith. The theory

of ordeals is, that God will miraculously decide in the case of any

accused person referred to Him. He will cause the accused to be

victorious or defeated in a duel, will punish him on the spot for

perjury, and if the innocent be exposed to certain physical dangers,

will preserve him harmless.

The duel, for instance, used to be called the "ordeal by battle," and

was simply the commitment of the decision of a cause to God. Duels were

regularly prefaced by the solemn prayer "God show the right." Now-a-days

nobody believes that skill with a pistol is going to be specially

bestowed by the Almighty, without diligent practice at a mark.

Accordingly, the idea of a divine interposition has long ago dropped out

of the question, and duelling is exclusively in the hands of the devil

and his human votaries,--is a purely brutal absurdity. But in England,

so long was this bloody, superstitious humbug kept up, that any hardened

scoundrel who was a good hand at his weapon might, down to the year

1819, absolutely have committed murder under the protection of English

law. Two years before that date, a country "rough" named Abraham

Thornton, murdered his sweetheart, Mary Ashford, but by deficiency of

proof was acquitted on trial. There was however a moral conviction that

Thornton had killed the girl, and her brother, a mere lad, caused an

appeal to be entered according to the English statute, and Thornton was

again arraigned before the King's Bench. In the mean time his counsel

had looked up the obsolete proceedings about "assize of battle," and

when Thornton was placed at the bar he threw down his glove upon the

floor according to the ancient forms, and challenged his accuser to

mortal combat. In reply, the appellant, Ashford, set forth facts so

clearly showing Thornton's guilt as to constitute (as he alleged,)

cause for exemption from the combat, and for condemnation of the

prisoner. The court, taken by surprise, spent five months in studying on

the matter. At last it decided that the fighting man had the law of

England on his side, admitted his demand, and further, found that the

matters alleged for exemption from combat were not sufficient. On this,

poor William Ashford, who was but a boy, declined the combat by reason

of his youth, and the prisoner was discharged, and walked in triumph out

of court, the innocent blood still unavenged upon his hands. The old

fogies of Parliament were startled at finding themselves actually

permitting the practice of barbarisms abolished by the Greek emperor,

Michael Palaeologus, in 1259, and by the good King Louis IX of France in

1270; and two years afterwards, in 1819, the legal duel or "assize of

battle" was by law abolished in England. It had been legal there for

five centuries and a half, having been introduced by statute in 1261.

Before that time, the ordeals by fire and by water were the regular

legal ones in England. These were known even to the Anglo Saxon law,

being mentioned in the code of Ina, A. D., about 700. It appears that

fire was thought the most aristocratic element, for the ordeal by fire

was used for nobles, and that by water for vulgarians and serfs. The

operations were as follows: When one was accused of a crime, murder for

instance, he had his choice whether to be tried "by God and his

country," or "by God." If he chose the former he went before a jury. If

the latter, he underwent the ordeal. Nine red hot ploughshares were

laid on the ground in a row. The accused was blindfolded, and sent to

walk over them. If he burnt himself he was guilty; if not, not.

Sometimes, instead of this, the accused carried a piece of red hot iron

of from one to three pounds' weight in his hand for a certain distance.

The ordeal by water was, in one form at least, the same wise alternative

in after years so often offered to witches. The accused was tied up in a

heap, each arm to the other leg, and flung into water. If he floated he

was guilty, and must be killed. If he sank and drowned, he was

innocent--but killed. Trial was therefore synonymous with execution. The

nature of such alternatives shows how important it was to have a

character above suspicion! Another mode was, for the accused to plunge

his bare arm into boiling water to the elbow. The arm was then instantly

sealed up in bandages under charge of the clergy for three days. If it

was then found perfectly well, the accused was acquitted; if not, he was

found guilty.

Another ordeal was expurgation or compurgation. It was a simple

business--"as easy as swearing;" very much like a "custom house oath."

It was only this: the accused made solemn oath that he was not guilty,

and all the respectable men he could muster came and made their solemn

oath that they believed so too. This is much like the jurisprudence of

the Dutch justice of the peace in the old story, before whom two men

swore that they saw the prisoner steal chickens. The thief however,

getting a little time to collect testimony, brought in twelve men who

swore that they did not see him take the chickens. "Balance of evidence

overwhelmingly in favor of the prisoner," said the sapient justice (in

Dutch I suppose,) and finding him innocent in a ratio of six to one, he

discharged him at once.

This ordeal by oath was reserved for people of eminence, whose word went

for something, and who had a good many thorough-going friends.

Another sort of ordeal was reserved for priests. It was called

_corsned_. The priest who took the ordeal by _corsned_ received a bit of

bread or a bit of cheese which was loaded heavily, by way of sauce, with

curses upon whomsoever should eat it falsely. This he ate, together with

the bread of the Lord's supper. Everybody knew that if he were guilty,

the sacred mouthful would choke him to death on the spot. History

records no instance of the choking of any priest in this ordeal, but

there is a story that the Saxon Earl Godwin of Kent took the _corsned_

to clear himself of a charge of murder, and (being a layman) was choked.

I fully believe that Earl Godwin is dead, for he was born about the year

1000. But I have not the least idea that _corsned_ killed him.

The priests had the management of ordeals, which, being appeals to God,

were reckoned religious ceremonies. They of course much preferred the

swearing and eating and hot iron and water ordeals, which could be kept

under the regulation of clerical good sense. Not so with the ordeal by

battle. No priests could do anything with the wrath of two great mad

ugly brutes, hot to kill each other, and crazy to risk having their own

throats cut or skulls cleft rather than not have the chance. In

consequence, the whole influence of the Romish church went against the

ordeal by battle, and in favor of the others. Thus the former soon lost

its religious element and became the mere duel; a base indulgence of a

beast's passion for murder and revenge. The progress of enlightenment

gradually pushed ordeals out of court. Mobs have however always tried

the ordeal by water on witches.

Almost all the heathen ordeals have depended on fire, water, or

something to eat or drink. Even in the Bible we find an ordeal

prescribed to the Jews (Numbers, chap v.,) for an unfaithful wife, who

is there directed to drink some water with certain ceremonies, which

drink God promises shall cause a fatal disease if she be guilty, and if

not, not. It is worth noticing that Moses says not a word about any

"water of jealousy," or any other ordeal, for unfaithful husbands!

This drinking or eating ordeal prevails quite extensively even now. In

Hindostan, theft is often enquired into by causing the suspected party

to chew some dry rice or rice flour, which has some very strong curses

stirred into it, _corsned_ fashion. After chewing, the accused spits out

his mouthful, and if it is either dry or bloody, he is guilty. It is

easy to see how a rascal, if as credulous as rascals often are, would be

so frightened that his mouth would be dry, and would thus betray his own

peccadillo. Another Hindoo mode was, to give a certain quantity of

poison in butter, and if it did no harm, to acquit. Here, the man who

mixes the dose is evidently the important person. In Madagascar they

give some _tangena_ water. Now tangena is a fruit of which a little

vomits the patient, and a good deal poisons or kills him; a quality

which sufficiently explains how they manage that ordeal.

Ordeals by fire and water are still practiced, with some variations, in

Hindostan, China, Pegu, Siberia, Congo, Guinea, Senegambia and other

pagan nations. Some of those still in use are odd enough. A Malabar one

is to swim across a certain river, which is full of crocodiles. A Hindoo

one is, for the two parties to an accusation to stand out doors, each

with one bare leg in a hole, he to win who can longest endure the bites

they are sure to get. This would be a famous method in some of the New

Jersey and New York and Connecticut seashore lowlands I know of. The

mosquitoes would decide cases both civil and criminal, at a speed that

would make a Judge of the Supreme Court as dizzy as a humming-top.

Another Hindoo plan was for the accused to hold his head under water

while a man walked a certain distance. If the walker chose to be lazy

about it, or the prisoner had diseased lungs, this would be a rather

severe method. The Wanakas in Eastern Africa, draw a red hot needle

through the culprit's lips--a most judicious place to get hold of an

African!--and if the wound bleeds, he is guilty. In Siam, accuser and

accused are put into a pen and a tiger is let loose on them. He whom the

tiger kills is guilty. If he kills both, both are guilty; if neither,

they try another mode.

Blackstone says that an ordeal might always be tried by attorney. I

should think this would give the legal profession a very lively time

whenever the courts were chiefly using tigers, poison, drowning, fire

and red hot iron, but not so much so when a little swearing or eating

was the only thing required.

This whole business of ordeals is a singular superstition, and the

extent of its employment shows how ready the human race is to believe

that God is constantly influencing even their ordinary private affairs.

In other words, it is in principle like the doctrine of "special

providence." Looked at as a superstition however--considered as a

humbug--the history of ordeals show how corrupt becomes the nuisance of

religious ways of deciding secular business, and how proper is our great

American principle of the separation of state and church.

CHAPTER L.

APOLLONIUS OF TYANA.

The annals of ancient history are peculiarly rich in narratives of

pretension and imposition, and either owing to the greater ignorance and

credulity of mankind, or the superior skill of gifted but unscrupulous

men in those days, present a few examples that even surpass the most

remarkable products of the modern science of humbug.

One of their most surprising instances--in fact, perhaps, absolutely the

leading impostor--was the sage or charlatan (for it is difficult to

determine which) known as Apollonius Tyanaeus so called from Tyana, in

Cappadocia, Asia Minor, his birthplace, where he first saw the light

about four years earlier than Christ, and consequently more than

eighteen and a half centuries ago. His arrival upon this planet was

attended with some very amazing demonstrations. With his first cry, a

flash of lightning darted from the heavens to the earth and back again,

dogs howled, cats mewed, roosters crowed, and flocks of swans, so say

the olden chroniclers--probably geese, every one of them--clapped their

wings in the adjacent meadows with a supernatural clatter. Ushered into

the world with such surprising omens as these, young Apollonius could

not fail to make a noise himself, ere long. Sent by his doting father to

Tarsus, in Cilicia, to be educated, he found the dissipations of the

place too much for him, and soon removed to AEgae, a smaller city, at no

great distance from the other. There he adopted the doctrines of

Pythagoras, and subjected himself to the regular discipline of that

curious system whose first process was a sort of juvenile gag-law, the

pupils being required to keep perfectly silent for a period of five

years, during which time it was forbidden to utter a single word. Even

in those days, few female scholars preferred this practice, and the boys

had it all to themselves, nor were they by any means numerous. After

this probation was over, they were enjoined to speak and argue with

moderation.

At AEgae there stood a temple dedicated to AEsculapius, who figured on

earth as a great physician and compounder of simples, and after death

was made a god. The edifice was much larger and more splendid than the

Brandreth House on Broadway, although we have no record of AEsculapius

having bestowed upon the world any such benefaction as the universal

pills. However, unlike our modern M. D.s, the latter was in the habit of

re-appearing after death, in this temple, and there holding forth to the

faithful on various topics of domestic medicine. Apollonius was allowed

to take up his residence in the establishment, and, no doubt, the

priests initiated him into all their dodges to impose upon the people.

Another tenet of the Pythagorean faith was a total abstinence from

beans, an arrangement which would be objectionable in New England and in

Nassau street eating houses.

Apollonius however, who knew nothing of Yankees or Nassau street,

manfully completed his novitiate. Restored at length to the use of beans

and of his talking apparatus, he set forth upon a lecturing tour through

Pamphylia and Cilicia. His themes were temperance, economy, and good

behavior, and for the very novelty of the thing, crowds of disciples

soon gathered about him. At the town of Aspenda he made a great hit,

when he "pitched into" the corn merchants who had bought up all the

grain during a period of scarcity, and sold it to the people at

exorbitant prices. Of course, such things are not permitted in our day!

Apollonius moved by the sufferings of women and children, took his stand

in the market place, and with his stylus wrote in large characters upon

a tablet the following advice to the speculators in grain:

"The earth, the common mother of all, is just. But, ye being unjust,

would make her a bountiful mother to yourselves alone. Leave off your

dishonest traffic, or ye shall be no longer permitted to live."

The grain-merchants, upon beholding this appeal, relented, for there was

conscience in those days; and, moreover, the populace had prepared

torches, and proposed to fry a few of the offenders, like oysters in

bread-crumbs. So they yielded at once, and great was the fame of the

prophet. Thus elevated in his own opinion, Apollonius, still preaching

virtue by the wayside, set out for Babylon, after visiting the cities of

Antioch, Ephesus, etc., always attracting immense crowds. As he

penetrated further toward the remote East, his troops of followers fell

off, until he was left with only three companions, who went with him to

the end. One of these was a certain Damis, who wrote a description of

the journey, and, by the way, tells us that his master spoke all

languages, even those of the animals. We have men in our own country who

can talk "horse-talk" at the races, but probably none so perfectly as

this great Tyanean. The author of "The Ruined Cities of Africa," a

recent publication, informs us that at Lamba, an African village, there

is a leopard who can "speak." This would go to show that the "animals,"

are aspiring in a direction directly the opposite of the acquirements of

Apollonius, and I shall secure that leopard, if possible, for exhibition

in the Museum, and for a fair consideration send him to any public

meeting where some one is needed who will come up to the scratch!

But, to resume. On his way to Babylon, Apollonius saw by the roadside a

lioness and eight whelps, where they had been killed by a party of

hunters, and argued from the omen that he should remain in that city

just one year and eight months, which of course turned out to be exactly

the case. The Babylonish monarch was so delighted with the eloquence and

skill of the noted stranger, that he promised him any twelve gifts that

he might choose to ask for, but Apollonius declined accepting anything

but food and raiment. However, the King gave him camels and escort to

assist his journey over the northern mountains of Hindostan, which he

crossed, and entered the ancient city of Taxilia. On the way, he had a

high time in the gorges of the hills with a horrible hobgoblin of the

species called empusa by the Greeks. This demon terrified his companions

half out of their wits, but Apollonius bravely assailed him with all

sorts of hard words, and, to literally translate the old Greek

narrative, "blackguarded" him so effectually that the poor devil fled

with his tail between his legs. At Taxilia, Phraortes, the King, a

lineal descendant of the famous Porus--and truly a porous personage,

since he was renowned for drinking--gave the philosopher a grand

reception, and introduced him to the chief of the Brahmins, whose

temples he explored. These Hindoo gentlemen opened the eyes of

Apollonius wider than they had ever been before, and taught him a few

things he had never dreamed of, but which served him admirably during

his latter career. He returned to Europe by way of the Red Sea, passing

through Ephesus, where he vehemently denounced the speculators in gold

and other improper persons. As they did not heed him, he predicted the

plague, and left for Smyrna. Sure enough, the pestilence broke out just

after his departure, and the Ephesians telegraphed to Smyrna, by the

only means in their power, for his immediate return; gold, in the

meanwhile, falling at least ten per cent. Apollonius reappeared in the

twinkling of an eye, suddenly, in the very midst of the wailing crowd,

on the market place. Pointing to a beggar, he directed the people to

stone that particular unfortunate, and they obeyed so effectually, that

the hapless creature was in a few moments completely buried under a huge

heap of brickbats. The next morning, the philosopher commanded the

throng to remove the pile of stones, and as they did so, a dog was

discovered instead of the beggar. The dog sprang up, wagged his tail,

and made away at "two-forty" and with him the pestilence departed. For

this feat, the Ephesians called Apollonius a god, and reared a statue to

his honor. The appellation of divinity he willingly accepted, declaring

that it was only justice to good men. In these degenerate days, we have

accorded the term to only one person, "the divine Fanny Ellsler!" That,

too, was a tribute to superior understanding!

Our hero next visited Pergamus, the site of ancient Troy, where he shut

himself up all night in the tomb of Achilles; and having raised the

great departed, held conversation with him on a variety of military

topics. Among other things, Achilles told him that the theory of his

having been killed by a wound in the heel was all nonsense, as he had

really died from being bitten by a puppy, in the back. If the reader

does not believe me, let him consult the original MS. of Damis. The

same accident has disabled several great generals in modern times.

Apollonius next made a tour through Greece, visiting Athens, Sparta,

Olympia, and other cities, and exhorting the dissolute Greeks to mend

their evil courses. The Spartans, particularly, came in for a severe

lecture on the advantages of soap and water; and, it is said, that the

first clean face ever seen in that republic was the result of the great

Tyanean's teachings. At Athens, he cured a man possessed of a demon; the

latter bouncing out of his victim, at length, with such fury and

velocity as to dash down a neighboring marble statue.

The Isle of Crete was the next point on the journey, and an earthquake

occurring at the time, Apollonius suddenly exclaimed in the streets:

"The earth is bringing forth land."

Folks looked as he pointed toward the sea, and there beheld a new island

in the direction of Therae.

He arrived at Rome, whither his fame had preceded him, just as the

Emperor Nero had issued an edict against all who dealt in magic; and,

although he knew that he was included in the denunciation, he boldly

went to the forum, where he restored to life the dead body of a

beautiful lady, and predicted an eclipse of the sun, which shortly

occurred. Nero caused him to be arrested, loaded with chains, and flung

into an underground dungeon. When his jailers next made their rounds,

they found the chains broken and the cell empty, but heard the chanting

of invisible angels. This story would not be believed by the head

jailer at Sing Sing.

Prolonging his trip as far as Spain, Apollonius there got up a sedition

against the authority of Nero, and thence crossed over into Africa. This

was the darkest period of his history. From Africa, he proceeded to the

South of Italy and the island of Sicily, still discoursing as he went.

About this time, he heard of Nero's death, and returned to Egypt, where

Vespasian was endeavoring to establish his authority. While in Egypt, he

explored the supposed sources of the Nile, and learned all the lore of

the Ethiopean necromancers, who could do any thing, even to making a

black man white; thus greatly excelling the skill of after ages.

Vespasian had immense faith in the Tyanean sage, and consulted him upon

the most important matters of State. Titus, the successor of that

monarch, manifested equal confidence, and regarded him absolutely as an

oracle. Apollonius, who really seems to have been a most sensible

politician, wrote the following brief but pithy note to Titus, when the

latter modestly refused the crown of victory, after having destroyed

Jerusalem.

"Apollonius to Titus, Emperor of Rome, sendeth greeting. Since you have

refused to be applauded for bloodshed and victory in war, I send you the

crown of moderation. You know to what kind of merit crowns are due."

Yet Apollonius was by no means an ultra peace man, for he strongly

advocated the shaving and clothing of the Ethiopians, and their thorough

chastisement when they refused to be combed and purified.

When Domitian grasped at the imperial sceptre, the great Tyanean sided

with his rival, Nerva, and having for this offence been seized and cast

into prison, suddenly vanished from sight and reappeared on the instant

at Puteoli, one hundred and fifty miles away. The distinguished Mr.

Jewett, of Colorado, is the only instance of similar rapidity of

locomotion known to us in this country and time.

After taking breath at Puteoli, the sage resumed his travels and

revisited Greece, Asia Minor, etc. At Ephesus he established his

celebrated school, and then, once more returning to Crete, happened to

give his old friends, the Cretans, great offence, and was shut up in the

temple Dictymna to be devoured by famished dogs; but the next morning

was found perfectly unharmed in the midst of the docile animals, who had

already made considerable progress in the Pythagorean philosophy, and

were gathered around the philosopher, seated on their hind legs, with

open mouths and lolling tongues, intently listening to him while he

lectured them in the canine tongue. So devoted had they become to their

eloquent instructor, and so enraged were they at the interruption when

the Cretans re-opened the temple, that they rushed out upon the latter

and made a breakfast of a few of the leading men.

This is one of the last of the remarkable incidents that we find

recorded of the mighty Apollonius. How he came to his end is quite

uncertain, but some veracious chroniclers declare that he simply dried

up and blew away. Others aver that he lived to the good old age of

ninety-seven, and then quietly gave up the ghost at Tyana, where a

temple was dedicated to his memory.

However that may be, he was subsequently worshiped with divine honors,

and so highly esteemed by the greatest men of after days, that even

Aurelian refused to sack Tyana, out of respect to the philosopher's

ashes.

Dion Cassius, the historian, records one of the most remarkable

instances of his clairvoyance or second sight. He states that

Apollonius, in the midst of a discourse at Ephesus, suddenly paused, and

then in a different voice, exclaimed, to the astonishment of all:--"Have

courage, good Stephanus! Strike! strike! Kill the tyrant!" On that same

day, the hated Domitian was assassinated at Rome by a man named

Stephanus. The humdrum interpretation of this "miracle" is simply that

Apollonius had a foreknowledge of the intended attempt upon the tyrant's

life.

Long afterwards, Cagliostro claimed that he had been a fellow-traveler

with Apollonius, and that his mysterious companion, the sage Athlotas,

was the very same personage, who, consequently, at that time, must have

reached the ripe age of some 1784 years--a lapse of time beyond the

memory of even "the oldest inhabitant," in these parts, at least!

THE END.

[Illustration:

A Catalogue of

BOOKS

ISSUED BY

Carleton, Publisher,

NEW YORK.

1866.]

"_There is a kind of physiognomy in the titles

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men, by which a skilful observer

will know as well what to expect

from the one as the

other._"--BUTLER.

NEW BOOKS

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JARGAL.--A very remarkable novel. With six illustrations.

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Transcriber's Note

The following errors were corrected:

viii EXPOSE changed to EXPOSE

viii BY JOHN BULL changed to BY JOHN BULL.

viii HOMEOPATHIC changed to HOMOEOPATHIC

ix TWO-HUNDRED changed to TWO HUNDRED

ix "ADVANTAGE CARDS." changed to "ADVANTAGE-CARDS."

x DIVINING GOBLINS. changed to DIVINING.--GOBLINS.

x SORCEROR. changed to SORCERER.

x ZUTE changed to ZIITO

x MR. WRIGHT'S SIGEL changed to MR. WRIGHT'S SIGIL

x WHISKERFUSTICUS. changed to WHISKERIFUSTICUS

x RELIGOUS HUMBUGS changed to RELIGIOUS HUMBUGS

x IMPOSTER changed to IMPOSTOR

x A RELIGOUS HUMBUG changed to A RELIGIOUS HUMBUG

25 attractt he changed to attract the

32 Quixotte. changed to Quixote

32 Great Britian changed to Great Britain

37 million of frances changed to million of francs

39 "California Menagrie," changed to "California Menagerie,"

47 THE GOLDEN PIGEONS--GRIZZLY ADAMS--GERMAN CHEMIST--HAPPY

FAMILY--FRENCH NATURALIST. changed to

THE GOLDEN PIGEONS.--GRIZZLY ADAMS.--GERMAN CHEMIST.--HAPPY

FAMILY.--FRENCH NATURALIST.

56 "Golden Australian Pigeons," changed to 'Golden Australian

Pigeons,'"

57 PHELADELPHIA changed to PHILADELPHIA

58 package of Pease's changed to package of "Pease's

60 'pay,' havn't changed to 'pay,' haven't

64 tragic scene.' changed to tragic scene."

65 is now published' changed to is now published.

79 after the trying changed to after the tying

91 Britian changed to Britain

92 dextrously changed to dexterously

110 pretentions changed to pretensions

111 Presidental changed to Presidential

115 invocations, adressed changed to invocations, addressed

115 complete success changed to complete success.

115 in ecstacy changed to in ecstasy

119 Spirtual Photography changed to Spiritual Photography

119 MRS. COANT'S changed to MRS. CONANT'S

119 called the trance. changed to called the trance."

122 occuping changed to occupying

127 professsed changed to professed

136 supervison changed to supervision

141 she was pregnant changed to she was pregnant.

143 guage-faucet changed to gauge-faucet

147 by this expose, changed to by this expose

156 vermillion changed to vermilion

161 Cliquot changed to Clicquot

170 But you bid changed to "But you bid

173 persverance changed to perseverance

180 $200, changed to $200,"

185 cant changed to can't

189 SUBTERANEAN changed to SUBTERRANEAN

190 prospecters changed to prospectors

194 Napolean changed to Napoleon

195 reaity changed to reality

199 matter of form;" changed to matter of form;

200 as follows: changed to as follows:"

202 impudence then changed to impudence than

210 they prefered changed to they preferred

211 odorifous changed to odoriferous

211 apprized changed to apprised

213 etc. etc., changed to etc., etc.,

213 _Holland_! changed to _Holland_!"

216 April 21st. changed to April 21st,

221 merchandize changed to merchandise

225 Every body changed to Everybody

227 stock--The changed to stock--the

228 all winter changed to All winter

229 coin than than changed to coin than

232 CHAPTER XXVII. changed to CHAPTER XXVIII.

234 Popocatapetl changed to Popocatepetl

237 over to Williamsburgh changed to over to Williamsburg

242 FLORENCE changed to FLORENCE.

245 gullability changed to gullibility?

246 maccaroni changed to macaroni

246 sold almost- changed to sold almost

252 domicil changed to domicile

265 "The suggestion, changed to The suggestion,

269 with faces of changed to "with faces of

271 The "Albany changed to the "Albany

271 "the New York changed to the "New York

274 enclyclopedias changed to encyclopedias

276 Magnficent changed to Magnificent

280 Pensylvania changed to Pennsylvania

281 ridiculing Beecher. changed to ridiculing Beecher."

281 fusilade changed to fusillade

284 THE ACTOR changed to THE ACTOR.

286 sovereigns." changed to sovereigns.'

287 "Now Sir," said he, "I wish changed to "'Now Sir,' said he, 'I wish

287 this house alone." changed to this house alone.'

288 However, before changed to "However, before

291 futhermore changed to furthermore

298 ghost havin changed to ghost having

305 amissable changed to admissible

307 CHAPTER. XXX. changed to CHAPTER XXXVII.

317 Holy Ghost. changed to Holy Ghost."

318 ho, ho! changed to ho, ho!"

320 failed; changed to failed:

322 swarthy and wizzened changed to swarthy and wizened

324 "prime-minister, changed to "prime-minister,"

327 Mr Worrall changed to Mr. Worrall

334 transmigra- changed to transmigration

339 elysium changed to Elysium

339 Antionette changed to Antoinette

341 remarked." I changed to remarked. "I

341 Constantiople changed to Constantinople

342 What message changed to "What message

342 "She does changed to She does

346 from the the Court changed to from the Court

348 evidently had'nt changed to evidently hadn't

351 could'nt seem changed to couldn't seem

354 CHAPTER LXII. changed to CHAPTER XLII.

355 Raisonnee, changed to Raisonnee,"

363 Constantiople changed to Constantinople

367 arms, &c, changed to arms, &c.,

368 hand seveeral changed to hand several

368 no Riza Rey changed to no Riza Bey

375 enthusiams changed to enthusiasms

375 ascetisms changed to asceticisms

381 intepretation changed to interpretation

382 doggrel changed to doggerel

392 HUMBUGS NO. 2 changed to HUMBUGS NO. 2.

393 know!) changed to know!),

398 hard-fisted changed to hard-fisted,

403 other beasts: changed to other beasts;

423 revisted changed to revisited

Ads 3 N.B changed to N.B.

Ads 3 United States changed to United States.

Ads 3 in full changed to in full.

Ads 3 MISERABLES--In changed to MISERABLES.--In

Ads 3 self-culture changed to self-culture.

Ads 4 MARIAN GREY-- do changed to MARIAN GREY.-- do.

Ads 5 RUE changed to TRUE

Ads 5 OW changed to HOW

Ads 5 do changed to do. (line of LOOKING AROUND)

Ads 5 FEMME.) changed to FEMME).

Ads 7 DRIFTING ABOUT, changed to DRIFTING ABOUT.

Ads 8 ABOUT WOMEN changed to ABOUT WOMEN.

Ads 8 HUGH MILLER changed to HUGH MILLER.

The following words had inconsistent spelling and hyphenation:

broom-stick / broomstick

CONJUROR / CONJURER

conjuror / conjurer

conjurors / conjurers

Christoforo / Cristoforo

death-bed / deathbed

etc. / &c.

Ethiopean / Ethiopian

feted / feted

ghost-like / ghostlike

hand-bill / handbill

hell-broth / hellbroth

hob-goblins / hobgoblins

hodge-podge / hodgepodge

lamp-black / lampblack

log-wood / logwood

M.D. / M. D.

meantime / mean time

mosquitoes / musquitos

New-York / New York

sea-coast / seacoast

sea-shore / seashore

stock-broker / stockbroker

to-day / to day

Twenty-seventh street / Twenty-seventh Street

Wall street / Wall Street

End of Project Gutenberg's The Humbugs of the World, by P. T. Barnum