"Have you got a written authority to support your application?" he
asked.
I produced my friend's letter, which was endorsed with the stamp of
his Command Headquarters.
The Staff Officer, standing (not out of politeness, I am sure), read
the letter. Then he looked up, suspicion in his eye and in the cock of
his head.
"I don't understand this," he said. "You told me you wanted to go to
Ireland. This letter distinctly refers to your going to Macedonia."
"Macedonia!" I echoed (I had forgotten my friend's Biblical way of
expressing himself).
"Yes, Macedonia," snapped the Staff Officer. "Balkans, isn't it?
Something to do with Salonika?"
"Macedonia!" I repeated, still mystified.
"Yes, yes--Macedonia," he snapped, obviously suspecting me of trying
to obtain a week's leave on false pretences. "Here it is, in black and
white, 'so pleased that you are willing to come over to Macedonia and
help us.' I don't understand this at all."
He handed me the letter. Then I realised what was amiss. My friend
had not reckoned with the War Office. They call a spade a spade in
Whitehall (unless they refer to it as "shovels, one.")
"Oh," said I, "I see. Yes, Macedonia. Slight misunderstanding. It's
written from Ireland all right. There's the Irish Command stamp on it.
'Come over to Macedonia and help us.' Biblical phrase. St. PAUL, you
know. Just a figure of speech. My friend meant it metaphorically."
"The devil he did," barked the Staff man. "Then why the blazes didn't
he say so?"
Of course, why didn't he say so? Very stupid of him. One can't be too
literal in dealing with the War Office, that notorious fount of clear
and orderly diction.
My plan nearly went West, and I was nearly sent East. It was only the
Headquarters' stamp that turned the scale in my favour.
It was lucky for my friend that I ultimately got leave to help him
in his educational duties. Cleanly he is himself sadly lacking in the
very rudiments of official culture.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Magistrate_. "BUT WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO ALLOW A MAN
OF THE PRISONER'S PHYSIQUE TO GIVE YOU A BLACK EYE?"
_Constable_. "ON THE MORNING OF TOOSDAY, THE FIRST OF APRIL, YOUR
WORSHIP, I WAS ON DOOTY OUTSIDE THE 'DOOK OF WELLINGTON' PUBLIC-'OUSE,
WHEN, AT THE INSTIGATION OF THE PRISONER, MY ATTENTION WAS DRAWN TO
SOMETHIN' THAT WASN'T THERE. 'E THEN 'IT ME."]
* * * * *