A Brass-hat employed at the Air Ministry recently requested that
his salary might be reduced on the ground that there was now very
little work for him to do. As no other symptoms developed, the close
observation kept upon him has now been relaxed.
***
To what extent the habit of war economy is embedded in the minds of
the British public was illustrated at Woodford Green on March 29th,
when a lady entered the local Post Office and endeavoured to purchase
some Daylight Saving Certificates.
***
The War Office Staff, it was stated in the House of Commons, has been
reduced from 21,807 to 19,510 since the Armistice. It is only fair
to point out that the vast bulk of them were not asked whether they
wanted an Armistice.
***
The War Office talks of re-issuing to the Volunteers the rifles and
equipment which were long ago called in. This threat is likely to
discourage many of them from volunteering for the next Peace.
***
Experiments are being conducted with the view of discovering the best
use to which obsolete army tanks can be put. Attached to a piece of
cheese they are said to make excellent mouse-traps.
***
"The police," says _The Irish Times_, _à propos_ of the escape
of twenty Sinn Feiners from Mountjoy prison, "are pursuing active
inquiries." This is much simpler than pursuing active Sinn Feiners.
***
"Ever since the snowdrop gave the first hint of Spring," burbles
a contemporary, "we have watched the miracle of the young year
unfolding." It certainly _was_ a miracle in the weather we had last
week.
***
The suggestion is being put forward in certain quarters that, in order
to save time, the Commission to fix the responsibility for the Peace
should begin to sit at once.
***
It is not known definitely how many ex-munition workers in this
country are at present in Government unemployment.
***
In connection with the recent report that the Sittinghurst Vermin Club
had killed 1,175 mice in one day, we are asked to say that the number
should be 1,176. It appears that one mouse made its way in a state of
collapse to the Club headquarters and gave itself up.
***
From the newspapers we gather that a sample of water analysed by the
Essex County Analyst contained seven per cent. of milk.
***
A man charged with burglary in Hoxton Street was captured in a
meat-storage ice-house. It is said that, remembering a well-known
precedent, he tried to evade capture by making a noise like a frozen
Canterbury lamb.
***
Sir SAMUEL SCOTT says that the odds are that a quack will kill
you quicker than a qualified doctor. All the same we prefer the
slow-and-sure method.
***
According to the Bishop of MANCHESTER there is a shortage of curates.
A spinster writes to say that she is not surprised, considering how
quickly they get snapped up.
***
With reference to the burglar who made off with the jewels of ex-Queen
AMELIE, it is said that the fellow contemplates in future styling
himself on his visiting-cards as "Housebreaker to the ex-Queen of
Portugal."
***
A weekly paper states that if every soldier who served in France
during the War would place all the letters he had received in a line
they would reach a little more than once round the world. We hear,
however, that, as the present addresses of several demobilised men
are unknown, the feat will not be attempted.
***
"Between ten and fifteen thousand years ago," says Professor KEITH,
"Scotland became fit for habitation." We ourselves should not have
assigned so remote a date to the introduction of whisky into that
country.
***
"There is no place like home," says a gossip-writer. This seems to
indicate that spring cleaning has started at his residence.
***
"It isn't every year we celebrate peace," says a correspondent in a
weekly paper. The usual custom, of course, is to celebrate peace about
once every war.
***
"A Pretty Way to Pat Butter" is the heading of one of a contemporary's
"Household Hints." They will never improve on the old-fashioned custom
of slapping it heartily on the bread.
***
"People will be able to have their strawberries and cream this
summer," said an official of the Food Ministry the other day.
Still, for association's sake it is thought that the conventional
description, "Marrows and Milk," will be retained on the menus.
***
Professor LEONARD HILL says that people working in gas factories who
have to breathe poison fumes suffer less from influenza than anyone
else. It is thought that this opinion may give a serious set-back to
the Garden City movement.
***
"Hens like artificial light," says Professor RICE, of Cornell
University, "and if provided with it will lay through the winter." One
enterprising gas company, we understand, is already advertising that
no fowl-house can be regarded as adequately furnished without its
egg-in-the-slot meter.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FIRST PROHIBITION TIPSY-CAKE IN DEAD MAN'S GULCH,
U.S.A.]
* * * * *
"£5.--Church, nicely situated Gothic structure, sliding
roofs. No ground-rent. Pulpit, Font, Lectern, Organ, Parson,
Choir Boys, Bells; fully seated; electric light, bells,
&c."--_Provincial Paper_.
It seems a nice cheap lot. The parson alone must be worth the money.
* * * * *
"THE TIMES" AS PEACEMAKER.
[On reading the heavy attack made by the "Political"
Correspondent of _The Times_ in Paris on the Peace Conference
leaders, "and in particular the British Prime Minister."]
How like the talk at Babel's Tower
This interchange of tedious chat!
War can be made in half-an-hour
And why should Peace take more than that?
All this procrastination, worst of crimes,
Annoys the Paris Politician of _The Times_.
Had _he_ been summoned to construct
New Heavens and a brand-new Earth,
To cope with Cosmos and conduct
The business of its second birth,
He would have finished months and months ago;
Why, the Creation only took a week or so!
He (while the Moving Spirit wired
Instructions from the South of France)
Would have dispatched, like one inspired,
A thousand details at a glance,
Built corridors for Poland while you wait,
And at a single sitting fixed the Bolshies' fate.
No _seance_ of the secret sort,
Had barred the Truth with bolts and keys;
The Press, encouraged to report.
_Verbatim_ his soliloquies,
Would have exposed to all men near and wide,
(The Hun included) what was going on inside.
Is it too late to start again?
At this eleventh hour depose
A Council whose united brain
Apparently is comatose?
Replace the Big Four with a Monstrous One,
And hand the whole show over to _The Times_ to run?