Let our Treatise of Dramatic Casualties be that which treateth of the
misfortunes contingent upon the profession of dramatic authors. Now, of
unfortunate dramatic authors there be two grand kinds--namely, they that
be unfortunate before the production of their works, and they that be
unfortunate after the production of their works.
And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production of their
works may he enumerated--
1.--He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth the
same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that
he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof.
2.--He that having translated a piece from the French, and bestowed
thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled.
3.--He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his pocket,
and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking the
same, selleth it for waste paper.
4.--He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in succession,
and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite note
expressive of disapprobation or the like.
5.--He whose piece is approved by the manager, but, nevertheless,
the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which do vary at
every interview.
6.--He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama to a
friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the
same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof.
And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production of their
works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and there be some whose
pieces are not successful.
And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are unsuccessful there
be--
1.--Those who write a piece which faileth through its own demerits,
which may be, as--
A.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to
introduce jokes in the same.
B.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad
jokes in the same.
C.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old
jokes in the same.
D.--He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for
merriment therein.
E.--He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other
entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or
causeth a division in the same, by political allusions.
2.--He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not through its
own demerits, which may be, as--
A.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance,
substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.
B.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf withal,
substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the
voice of the prompter.
C.--When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest into
a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous
pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to
success.
D.--When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red fire
igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door
refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.
E.--When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new actor,
and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the
audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage,
whereby the ruin of the piece is consummated.
F.--Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the audience;
as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth one
heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman
with a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to
her right to wear the same, and impede the view of them that
be behind; also when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a
pea-coat, who having been charged by an enemy to work the
ruin of the piece, endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of
hisses or other unseemly noises, all of which be highly
pernicious.
Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, there
be--
1.--He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make room
for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other
entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon
groundeth a plea of non-payment.
2.--He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same being
unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance of
the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been
conceitedly termed "whitewashing."
3.--He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same claimeth
the entire authorship thereof and emolument therefrom.
And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space nor time
to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from dramatic
writing.