_House of Commons, Monday, May 9_.--House dealt with just now after
manner of Horticultural Exhibition at Earl's Court. Laid out as three
acres, through which JESSE COLLINGS might be expected to lead the cow.
But, as SQUIRE OF MALWOOD (a great authority on stock matters) says,
the esteemed quadruped is dead, abandoned by its protector at time of
disruption of Liberal Party. Exists now only in the form of carcass,
to be found rather in butchers' shops than on quiet pastures. Pity,
this. Difficult to imagine any better arrangement for what theatrical
people call "properties" than the cow--probably with a blue ribbon
round its neck--led through three acres of green meadow by JESSE
COLLINGS, in clean smock-frock, with a crook in his hand.
[Illustration: The Doctor-Baronet.]
Dr. CLARK says they don't drive cattle with crooks. But that's a
detail. CLARK sure to contradict in any case.
Things very quiet to-night; quite pastoral. Only one outburst; that
arose when FOSTER accused CHAMBERLAIN of saying the thing that is not.
CHAMBERLAIN hotly rose, and appealed to Chairman to say whether the
Doctor-Baronet was in order. COURTNEY said, since he was asked, he
must say he thought not. So FOSTER changed the prescription. CHAPLIN
much gratified at this speedy close of rupture that threatened
progress with Bill. Presided over discussion with urbanity that was
irresistible.
"Reminds me," said WILFRID LAWSON, looking across at Right Hon.
Gentleman seated on Treasury Bench, with deeply-bayed shirt-front,
and head closely bent over copy of Bill, "of a motherly hen gathering
its brood under its wings, and trying to make things comfortable all
round. Sometimes, when one of the brood grows a trifle importunate,
the motherly expression on the expansive face sharpens, and the
chicken is pecked at. But, on the whole, little to disturb the
serenity of the coop."
Never before thought of CHAPLIN as an old hen. But, really, with the
place permeated with agricultural and farm-yard associations, LAWSON's
idea not so far out of it as it might appear to the domestic circle at
Blankney Hall.
At half-past eleven those Scotchmen came up again. Upset the henroost,
devoured what was left of the cow, dug up the verdurous three acres,
and till two o'clock in the morning harried the Commissioners under
the Scotch University Act. _Business done_.--In Committee on the Small
Holdings Bill.
[Illustration: "Order! Order!"]
_Tuesday_.--Don't know what we shall do when WIGGIN leaves us, as
he threatens to do after Dissolution. Not much here just now, but
sometimes his face seen in House or Lobbies, piercing surrounding
gloom like what SWIFT MACNEILL distantly alludes to as "the orb of
day." Only WIGGIN could have thought of the little _divertissement_
that for a few moments raised depressed spirits of House this
afternoon. Resumed at morning Sitting (so called because it
takes place in the afternoon) discussion of Small Holdings Bill.
SEALE-HAYNE,--whose reputation as a humorist still lingers a tradition
in the playing fields at Eton, but whose subsequent political
career has subdued his vivacity,--moved Amendment. Something about
compensation for cow-sheds. COBB airily addressed the Committee; and
CHAPLIN whispered a few confidential remarks across Table.
Curious how this "eminent authority," as the MARKISS calls quite
another personage, has lost his voice since Bill got into Committee.
Seems so awestruck by enormity of his responsibility, not inclined to
raise his voice above whisper. Effort to catch purport of his remarks
completed depression under which Committee sinking. Went out to vote
as if they were conducting CHAPLIN to a too early funeral. Then it was
that an idea dawned on the mind of the wanton WIGGIN.
"_I_'ll show 'em sport, TOBY, dear boy," he said to me in passing.
"_I_'ll give their spirits a leg up!"
Forgotten about this in passing through Division Lobby; coming back
startled by angry roar. COURTNEY on his feet solemnly shouting "Order,
Order!" like minute-gun at sea. Nothing came of this; excitement
increased; COURTNEY crying "Order, Order!" in sterner voice. Looked
about for explanation, and lo! there was the waggish WIGGIN with his
hat cocked well on one side of his head, waddling down the floor of
the House past the Chair. You may do almost anything in the House of
Commons but walk about with your hat on, and here was WIGGIN, not only
doing it, but persisting in the offence, smiling back innocently on
the increasing circle of Members roaring at him, and COURTNEY, with
increasing stridency, shouting "Order!" behind his back. Having got
nearly to the Bar, the wily WIGGIN, affecting to wonder what all
the row was about, turned round and found himself pierced through
and through with the flaming eye of outraged Chairman. Pretty to
see how, all of a sudden, it seemed to flash upon him that _he_ was
the culprit, and that it was his hat at which Members, like so many
WILLIAM TELLS, were persistently tiring. The sunset face flushed
deeper still; with quick movement the wayward WIGGIN removed his
offending hat, and, bowing apologetically to the Chair, went forth
with quickened pace.
[Illustration: "No Forwooder!"]
Excellently done; took in the whole House, including Chairman. But
WIGGIN's benevolent intention secured, and, if only temporarily,
spirits of House jubilantly rose. _Business done_.--In Committee on
Small Holdings.
_Wednesday_.--Municipal Corporations Act, 1882 (Amendment) Bill first
Order of Day. Doesn't seem to promise anything exciting; Debate,
however, not gone far before discovery made that it hides a deep
design. Wouldn't think, looking at FORWOOD as he sits at remote end of
Treasury Bench, that he had anything to do with Hecuba, or Hecuba with
him. Only suspicious thing about him is, his extreme desire to keep
out of sight. When SPEAKER took Chair he was standing at Bar surveying
House, and wondering when it would be made. As soon as MATTINSON rose
to move Second Heading of Bill, FORWOOD. so to speak, went backward,
and planted himself well in shadow of SPEAKER's Chair.
Turns out in course of interesting Debate that, though the speech
on moving Second Reading is the voice of MATTINSON, the Bill is the
Bill of FORWOOD, whose interest in the political affairs of Liverpool
is said to be extensive and peculiar. NEVILLE puts it in another
way. "Whenever," he said, "any political manipulation is afoot in
Liverpool, be sure the Secretary to the Admiralty will not be far
away."
[Illustration: "This Way to London!"]
At first, FORWOOD affected indifference to proceedings. "His Bill!
s'elp him, never seen it before. 'L'pool.' What's that?" But as Debate
went forward, and gentlemen opposite insisted on dragging him in, he
finally yielded, and taking off coat, "went for" other side. Rev. SAM
SMITH interposed with charming story about a gentleman whom Liverpool
Tories had appointed Chairman of Watch Committee, "he being solicitor
to the two largest publicans in Liverpool." That didn't at first sight
seem much to point, supposing even the united cubit measurement of
the worthy tradesmen exceeded twelve feet. But Reverend SAM went on
to explain what he meant was that, "between them, they owned about
120 public-houses." Curious movement in Strangers' Gallery as of
involuntary smacking of many lips, FORWOOD said this (which he
daintily alluded to as "an allegation") had been denied. SAM, couching
the retort in clerical language, said in effect, "You're another!"
whereupon Ministerialists roared, "Oh! oh!" and FORWOOD, now
thoroughly roused, proceeded to show that SAMUEL and his Liberal
allies were the real Gerrymanders, and that he, FORWOOD, was the
spotless advocate of the true interests of the Working-Man.
House began to look askance on S.S. Never suspected him of being a
man of that kind. Glad when painful discussion came to end. Bill
read Second Time; but jubilation of promoters suddenly chilled by
TIM HEALY, of whom no one was thinking at the moment, stepping in
and adroitly putting spoke in wheel of Bill, by moving to refer it
to Select Committee; which, being translated, means it will get no
Forwooder this Session.
_Business done._--TIM HEALY puts FORWOOD's clock back.
_Friday._--EDWARD WATKIN home from honeymooning trip. Pleased to find
his Bill giving the Manchester, Sheffield, and Lincolnshire Railway
direct access to London passed all its stages in the Commons.
"It's a new way to London, good TOBY," he said, when I congratulated
him on the double event. "Some gentlemen who faint in St. John's Wood
objected on what I believe are called æsthetical grounds. But there
are several big towns between here and Sheffield wanted the short cut,
and I determined they should have it. Things looked bad last Session,
and perhaps some fellows would have given up. I have a little way of
never giving up, and it's astonishing how far it'll carry you. We're
not through the Lords yet,--though, as you say, we are through their
cricket-ground. But you'll see, before twelve months are over, I'll
bring a train straight from Sheffield into our own station in London,
and if you only live a little longer, you shall come with me on the
first trip from Charing Cross to Paris under the Channel Tunnel.
Everything, TOBY, _cher ami_, comes to the man who won't wait."
_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill practically through Committee.
* * * * *