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[Illustration]
TREAT 'EM ROUGH
LETTERS FROM
JACK THE KAISER KILLER
_By_
RING W. LARDNER
AUTHOR OF
My Four Weeks in France, Gullible's Travels, Etc.
ILLUSTRATED BY
FRANK CRERIE
INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS
COPYRIGHT 1913
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PRESS OF BRAUNWORTH & CO. BOOK MANUFACTURERS BROOKLYN, N.Y.
[Illustration]
JACK THE KAISER KILLER
CAMP GRANT, Sept. 23.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I am writeing this in the recreation room at our
barracks and they's about 20 other of the boys writeing letters and I
will bet some of the letters is rich because half of the boys can't talk
english to say nothing about writeing letters and etc. We got a fine
bunch in my Co. Al and its a cinch I won't never die in the trenchs
because I will be murdered in my bed before we ever get out of here only
they don't call it bed in the army.
They call it bunk and no wonder.
Well Al I have been here since Wed. night and now it is Sunday and this
is the first time I have not felt sick since we got here and even at
that my left arm is so sore it is pretty near killing me where I got
vacinated. Its a good thing I am not a left hander Al or I couldn't get
a ball up to the plate but of course I don't have to think of that now
because I am out of baseball now and in the big game but at that I guess
a left hander could get along just as good with a sore arm because I
never seen one of them yet that could break a pain of glass with their
fast ball and if they didn't have all the luck in the world they would
be rideing around the country in a side door Pullman with all their
baggage on.
Speaking about baseball Al I suppose you seen where the White Sox have
cinched the penant and they will be splitting the world serious money
while I am drawing $30.00 per mo. from the Govmt. but 50 yrs. from now
the kids will all stop me on the st. and make me tell them what hotel we
stayed at in Berlin and when Cicotte and Faber and Russell begins to
talk about what they done to the Giants everybody will have themself
paged and walk out.
Well Al a lot of things come off since the last time I wrote to you. We
left Chi Wed. noon and you ought to seen the crowd down to the Union
station to bid us good by. Everybodys wifes and sisters and mothers was
there and they was all crying in 40 different languages and the women
wasn't allowed through the gates so farewell kisses was swapped between
the iron spokes in the gates and some of the boys was still getting
smacked yet when the train started to pull out and it looked like a
bunch of them would get left and if they had I'll say their wifes would
of been in tough luck.
[Illustration: Florrie was all dressed up like a horse and I bet a lot
of them other birds wished they was in my shoes (p. 10).]
Of course wife Florrie and little son Al was there and Florrie was all
dressed up like a horse and I bet a lot of them other birds wished they
was in my shoes when the kissing battle begun. Well Al we both
blubbered a little but Florrie says she mustn't cry to hard or she would
have to paternize her own beauty parlors because crying makes a girl
look like she had pitched a double header in St. Louis or something. But
I don't know if you will believe it or not but little Al didn't even
wimper. How is that for a game bird and only 3 yrs. old?
Well Al some alderman or somebody had got a lot of arm bandages made for
us with the words Kaiser Killers printed on them and they was also signs
stuck on the different cars on the train like Berlin or Bust and etc.
and the Stars and Strips was flying from the back platforms so we
certainly looked like regular soldiers even without no uniforms and I
guess if Van Hindburg and them could of seen us you wouldn't of needed a
close line no more to take their chest measure.
Well all our bunch come from the south side and of course some of them
was fans and the first thing you know they had me spotted and they all
wanted to shake hands and I had a smile for all of them because I have
got it doped out that we are all fighting for Uncle Sam and a man ought
to forget who you are and what you are and be on friendly turns with
everybody till after the war.
Well Al they had told us to not bring much baggage and some of the boys
come without even their tooth brush but they hadn't some of them forgot
to fetch a qt. bottle and by the time we got outside of the city limits
the engineer didn't have to blow his whistle to leave people know we
were comeing. Somebody had a cornet and another fellow had a trombone
and a couple of them had mouth organs and we all sung along with them
and we sung patriotic songs like Jonah Vark and Over There and when they
started on the Star Spangled Banner the guy I was setting along side of
him hollered for them to not play that one and I thought he was a pro
German or something and I was going to bust him but somebody asked him
why shouldn't they play it and he says because he couldn't stand up and
he wasn't the only one either Al.
The train stopped at a burg called Aurora and a bunch of the boys needed
air so they got off, some of them head first and one bird layed down on
the station platform and says he had changed his mind about going to war
and he was going to sleep there a while and catch the first train back
to Chi so we picked him up and throwed him back on our train and told
him we would have the engineer back up to Chi and drop him off and he
says O.K. and of course the train started ahead again but he didn't know
if we was going or comeing or looping the loop.
Well the trombone blower finely blowed himself to a nap and while he
was asleep a little guy snuck the trombone away from him and says "Look
here boys I am willing to give my life for Uncle Sam but I am not going
to die to no trombone music." So he throwed the trombone out of the
window without opening the window and the guy woke up that owned it and
the next thing you know the Kaiser Killers was in their first battle.
Well Al by the time we got to Camp Grant some of the boys looked like
they was just comeing from the war instead of just going and I guess I
was about the only one that was O.K. because I know how to handle it but
I had eat some sandwiches that a wop give me on the train and they must
of been poisoned or something because when I got off everything looked
kind of blured.
We was met by a bunch of officers in uniform. The guy that had throwed
the trombone away had both eyes swelled shut and a officer had to lead
him to the head quarters and I heard the officer ask him if he was
bringing any liquor into the camp and he says yes all he could carry,
but the officer meant did he have a bottle of it and he says No he had
one but a big swede stuck his head in front of it and it broke.
Over to the head quarters they give us a couple of blankets a peace and
then they split us up into Cos. and showed us our barracks and they said
we looked like we needed sleep and we better go to bed right after
supper because we would have to get down to hard work the next
A.M. and I was willing to go to bed without no supper after
eating them dam sandwichs and the next time them wops trys to slip me
something to eat or drink I will hang one on their jaw.
Well Al the buggle has blowed for mess which is what they call the meals
and you would know why if you eat some of them so I will close for this
time and save the rest for the next time and my address is Co. C. 399th.
Infantry, Camp Grant, Ill.
Your Pal, JACK.
CAMP GRANT, Sept. 24.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al they give us some work out today and I am pretty
tired but they's no use going to bed till 9 o'clock which is the time
they blow the buggle for the men to shut up their noise. They do
everything by buggies here. They get you up at a quarter to 6 which is
first call and you got to dress in 15 minutes because they blow the
assembly buggle at 6 and then comes the revelry buggle and then you eat
breakfast and so on till 11 P.M. when they blow the taps buggle
and that means everybody has got to put their lights out and go to sleep
just as if a man couldn't go to sleep without music and any way a whole
lot of the boys go to sleep before 11 because with so many of us here
how could the officers tell if we waited for the buggle or didn't wait
for it?
Well Al about all we done the first 3 days was try and get the place to
looking like something because the men that built the buildings was to
lazy to clean up after themself and I wouldn't of minded only for
feeling so bad all day Thursday on acct. of that sandwich and Friday I
felt rotten because a Dr. vacinated me and fixed me up so as I can't
catch small pox or tyford fever and I would rather have the both of
them the same day then have that bird work on me again.
Thursday A.M. after breakfast a bunch of us went to the Drs.
and they give us a physical examination and before the Dr. examined me
he says "Well is they anything the matter with you outside of a
headache?" So I said "How do you know I got a headache" and he says
because they was a epidemic of them in the camp. Well Al I could of told
him why only of course I wouldn't squeel on the rest of the boys so all
I told him was about me eating that sandwich and he says all the boys
must of eat them and that shows how much them wise Drs. knows.
Well of course he didn't find nothing the matter with me physicly and he
says I was a fine specimen and the next place I went was to the head
quarters or something where they give us our uniforms and you ought to
see me in mine Al only the shoes is 6 sizes to big and I made a holler
about it but the man says they wouldn't be so big after I had wore them
a while. They must be fine shoes that will srink Al because all the
shoes I ever seen the more you wear them they get bigger. They give us
each 2 pair shoes one to march in with cleats on the bottom and a hat
and a hat cord and 5 pair sox and 2 shirts and a belt and 3 suits under
wear and 2 cocky suits.
And we had to tell our family history to a personal officer that writes
down all about you on a card and what kind of work you done before so if
the General or somebody tears their pants they won't have to chase all
over the camp and page a taylor because they can look at the cards and
find out who use to be a taylor and send for him to sow them up.
A lot of the boys give this officer a song and dance about how good they
can drive a car and etc. so they can get a soft snap like driveing one
of the officers cars and I could of got some kind of a snap only I come
here to be a soldier and fight Germans and not mend their pants.
The officer asked me my name and age and etc. and what I done in civil
life so I said "I guess you don't read the sporting page." So he says
"Oh are you a fighter or something?" So I said "I am a fighter now but I
use to pitch for the White Sox." So then he asked me what I done before
that so I told him I was with Terre Haute in the Central League and
Comiskey heard about me and bought me and then he sent me out to Frisco
for a while and I stood that league on their head and then he got me
back and I been with him about 3 years.
So the officer asked me if I ever done anything besides pitch so I told
him about the day I played the outfield in Terre Haute when Burns and
Stewart shut their eyes going after a fly ball and their skulls come
together and it sounded like a freight wreck and they was both layed out
so I and Lefty Danvers took their place and in the 8th. inning I come up
with 2 on and hit a curve ball off big Jack Rowan and only for the fence
that ball wouldn't of made no stops this side of Indpls.
So then the officer says "Yes but didn't you do something when you
wasn't playing ball?" so I told him a pitcher don't have to do nothing
only set on the bench or hit fungos once in a while or warm up when it
looks like the guy in there is beggining to wobble. So he says "Well I
guess I will put you down as a pitcher and when we need one in a hurry
we will know where to find one." But I don't know when they would need a
pitcher Al unless it was to throw one of them bombs and believe me when
it comes to doing that I will make a sucker out of the rest of these
birds because if my arm feels O.K. they's nobody got better control and
if they tell me to stick one in a German's right eye that is where I
will put it and not in their stomach or miss them all together like I
was a left hander or something.
[Illustration: Shut their eyes going after a fly ball, their skulls came
together and it sounded like a freight wreck (p. 20).]
Well Al we done a little training Friday and Saturday but today was the
first day we realy went to it. First of course we got up and dressed and
then they was 10 minutes of what they call upseting exercises and then
come breakfast which was oatmeal and steak and bread and coffee. The
way it is now you got to get your own dishs and go up to the counter and
wait on yourself but of course we will have waiters when things gets
more settled. You also got to make your own bed and that won't never
kill nobody Al because all as we got is 2 blankets and you don't have to
leave the bed open all A.M. like at home because whatever air wanted to
get in wouldn't let these blankets stop it.
Then they give us an hour of drilling and that was duck soup for me on
acct. of the drilling we done on the ball club last spring and you ought
to seen the corporal and sargent open their eyes when they seen me
salute and etc. but some of the birds don't know their right from their
left and the officers had to put a stick of wood in their right hand so
they would know it was their right hand and imagine if some of them was
ball players and played left field. They would have to hire a crossing
policeman to tell them where to go to get to their position and if they
was pitchers they wouldn't know if they was right hand pitchers or left
hand pitchers till they begun to pitch and then they would know because
if they were hog wild they would be left handers.
The corporals and sargents come from the regular army but after a while
Capt. Nash will pick some of us out to take their place and it is a
cinch I will be picked out on acct. of knowing all about the drills etc.
The next thing was a lecture on what they could do to us if we got
stewed or something and how to treat the officers and we got to sir them
and salute them and etc. and it seems kind of funny for a man that every
time he walked out to pitch the crowd used to stand up and yell and I
never had to sir Rowland or Collins. I'd knock their block off if they
tried to make me.
Well every time we wasn't doing something else they sprung some more of
them upseting exercises on us and I called the corporal to one side and
says if he would excuse me I would pass up some of them because I didn't
need to exercise on acct. of playing baseball all summer and besides I
was tired and he says these exercises was to fix me so I wouldn't get
tired and he made me go through with all of them. How is that for brains
Al and I suppose if a man was up all night watching a corpse or
something this bird would make you stay awake all the next day so you
wouldn't get sleepy.
For dinner we had roast chicken and sweet potatoes and cream corn and
biscuits and coffee and for supper they was bake beans with tomato sauce
and bread and pudding and cake and coffee and the grub is pretty fair
only a man can't enjoy it because you got to eat to fast because if
theys anything left on your plate when the rest of them birds gets
through you got to fight to keep it from going to the wrong address.
Well Al its pretty near time for the tattoo buggle which means the men
has got to shut up and keep quiet so I am going to get ready for bed but
I don't know if I would rather have them keep quiet or not because when
they are keeping quiet you don't know what they are up to and maybe they
are snooping a round somewheres waiting for a man to go to sleep so they
can cut your throat. Some of them has been use to doing it all their
life Al and they are beggining to miss it. But I don't know if I
wouldn't just as leave die that way as from them upseting exercises.
Your pal, JACK.
[Illustration]
CAMP GRANT, Sept. 26.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al don't be surprised if you pick up the paper some
A.M. and see where I'm gone and you may think I am just jokeing
Al but I am telling you the truth and I am glad Florrie is fixed so she
can make a liveing for herself and little Al because I wouldn't bet a
nickle I will be alive by the time this gets to you.
I guess I all ready told you the kind of birds we got in our Co. Well
the worst one in the bunch is a guy named Sebastian and of course he
would have to be the one that got the bunk next to mine. Well Al you
remember me writeing to you about the little runt that throwed that
guy's trombone away, well his name is Lahey but we call him Shorty on
acct. of him being so short. Well I hadn't payed much attention to this
here Sebastian because he has always got a grouch and don't say nothing
only to mumble at the officers when they ask him some question but
Shorty knows him and last night he told me all about him and he has been
pinched 50 times for stabbing people but he has got some pull or
something and they can't never do nothing to him except once he served a
turn at Joliet for cutting off a guy's ears because he wouldn't get up
and give him a seat on a st. car. He has always got a knife hid on him
somewheres and his first name is Nick so they call him Nick the Blade on
acct. of always haveing a knife on him.
I don't know if I told you or not but we got a shed outside of the
barracks with shower baths and etc. and everybody is supposed to take
baths and keep themself clean and of course its a pleasure for a man
like I because I got use to takeing them every day after the game and I
don't feel right unless I am clean but some of the birds hollered like a
Indian the first time the officers made them get under the shower and
you would think they never seen water before and I guess some of them
hadn't because when they come out afterwards the officers had to ask
them their name.
[Illustration: I'm glad Florrie is fixed so's she can make a living, for
herself and little Al (p. 27).]
Well Al I was takeing a bath yesterday and this big Nick bird was
standing there striped and he couldn't get up the nerve to step under
the shower and Corporal Daly come up behind him and give him a shove
under the water and he give a bellow that you could hear from here to
Rockford and I didn't know who he was then and I couldn't help from
laughing and he seen me but he didn't say nothing and I wouldn't of
thought no more about it only for what Shorty told me afterwards. Well
Shorty was there to and he laughed at him to but Nick didn't see him but
he seen me and Shorty says I better keep my eyes pealed because Nick
wouldn't think no more of stabbing a man then picking his teeth and if
theys one thing he won't stand for its somebody laughing at him.
Well I been keeping my eyes pealed all right and I kept them pealed all
night last night but I can't stay awake all night every night and the
first time I doze off it will probably be the last time.
Sebastian hasn't spoke to nobody or looked at nobody today and when a
man acts like that it means they are makeing plans. Well Al I only wish
he was planning to dessert from the army and if I seen him trying to
make his get away I wouldn't blow no buggle to wake up the guards. I'll
say I wouldn't Al.
I pretty near forgot to tell you that Teddy Roosevelt was here today
over looking us and he made a speech but they was about 20 thousand for
him to talk to and I was a mile away and couldn't hear nothing but I
suppose he told the boys they was fine physical specimens and etc. Well
Al that stuff is O.K. but if I wasn't a fine physical specimen I might
be somewheres where I could go to sleep without some stabber waiting to
carve their initials in my Adams apple.
Your pal, JACK.
[Illustration]
CAMP GRANT, Sept. 29.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal you see I am still alive and I guess that is
because by the time night comes a round Nick the Blade is all wore out
with them upseting exercises and etc. and hasn't got enough strenth left
to carve nobody or maybe he has figured out the truth which is that I
wasn't realy laughing at him Al but when I am takeing a bath I feel so
good that I am libel to bust out laughing at nothing you might say.
But Sebastian isn't the only bird I got to watch now Al because last
night they sprung a new one on me and he just come into the camp
yesterday and the man that was sleeping on the other side of me is sick
in the infirmiary so they stuck this new one in his bunk and now I got
them on both sides and I don't know which is the worst Nick or him
because this one wispers all night and it would be O.K. if he was
wispering in his sleep or wispering to himself but he isn't.
I didn't turn in till 11 and Nick was buzzing away like a saw buck and I
figured on getting some sleep myself but I hadn't no sooner layed down
when the wispering begun on the other side. First I didn't catch what
he was trying to get at but I heard him the second time all right and he
says "Do you want me to kill?" Well Al for 2 or 3 minutes I couldn't get
enough strenth up to turn over and look at him but the next time he
repeated it over again I couldn't stand it no more so I said "Are you
talking to me?" And what do you think he said Al? He says "I am talking
to God."
Well Al the connection couldn't of been very good you might say because
he kept asking the same question over and over and not getting no answer
but how was I to know when the party at the other end would speak up and
maybe say yes and they wasn't nobody closer to him then me for him to
work on so you can see what a fine nights rest I got Al and this
A.M. I told Shorty Lahey about him and sure enough Al the bird
is a gun man named Tom the Trigger and Shorty says he is a nut that
thinks he is aces up with the all mighty and some times he imagines that
they are telling him to go ahead and shoot and then he takes aim at
whoever is handy.
Well Al this was inspections day and everybody was supposed to have a
clean shave and their hair brushed and all their buttons sowed on and
their beds made up neat and their shoes and mess kits shinned bright and
etc. and Capt. Nash and the lieuts. give us all the double O and some of
the boys got a nice little baling out for the way they looked but I
looked like a soldier ought to look Al and didn't give them no chance to
ball me out.
But what difference is it going to make Al for me to look good and have
things neat when I am sleeping between a man that if he can ever stay
awake till I doze off he will dig a trench system in my chest with a
stilleto and on the other side of me they's a bird that the minute the
lord says Fire he will make me look like a soup strainer. It don't
hardly seem like its worth while to be strick about looks when sooner or
later they are bound to muss me and my bed both up.
Your pal, JACK.
[Illustration]
CAMP GRANT, Oct. 3.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal I just got some good news and this it is Al.
Next Saturday they are going to let some of the boys go home on leave
and I asked Corporal Daly to fix it up for me to go and he says he
didn't know if he could or not because most of the ones that's going is
men that has been here a mo. or more but on acct. of me haveing been
with the White Sox they fixed it so as I could go and the world serious
opens up in Chi Saturday and I won't get away from here till Saturday
noon so I can't get there for the first game but I will see the Sunday
game and won't Gleason and them pop their eyes out when I go down to the
bench with my cocky suit on and shake hands with them and I bet Rowland
will wish I was wearing the White Sox uniform instead of Uncle Sam's
uniform.
Well Al I can't hardly wait to get home and see Florrie and little Al
and of course I will see them Saturday night and I will take them to the
game Sunday and leave for back here after the game because a man has got
to be back in camp at 11 Sunday night and the funny part is that Florrie
was going to bring little Al and come and see me next Sunday but now I
am going to see her and I have wrote her to not come.
Well I am feeling to good to go to bed but that is where I ought to be
Al because I wasn't never so tired in my life because they hung a new
one on us this P.M. Instead of giveing us upseting exercises
from a quarter to 4 till a quarter after they made us all run 20 minutes
without stopping and they says it was to improve our wind. Well before
we was half through I didn't have no wind to improve and I suppose some
day they will pull all our teeth so as we can chew better. At that I
would of been O.K. only my feet got to hurting and now I can't hardly
walk and all because the shoes they give you are about 6 sizes to small
and they keep lectureing us about feet hygeine but how is a man going to
keep your feet O.K. when they make you wear shoes that Houdini couldn't
get in or out of them.
But listen Al the news about going to Chi isn't the only peace of good
news I got today because I also found out that this bird that Shorty
called Tom the Trigger isn't no gun man at all and this here Nick the
Blade won't do nothing to me because he is scared of the officers so I
won't have to lay awake no more nights worring but I didn't find it out
till today and here is how it come off.
This A.M. I went to sleep right at breakfast and couldn't keep
my eyes open so Corporal Daly come up to me afterwards and asked me
what was the matter so I told him I was to nervous to sleep nights on
acct. of a crazy man bunking next to me and any minute he might take a
notion and shoot me full of holes. I didn't say nothing about Nick the
Blade on the other side of me because he was standing where he could
hear us. So Corporal Daly asked me who I was talking about and I told
him and he laughed and says that if I waited for Castle which is this
other bird's name to start shooting I would probably die of old age or
something because he is one of these objecters that don't beleive in war
and he told them about it the first day we got here and says he objected
to being a soldier. So Capt. Nash asked him if he would object to
unloading a few cars of coal and that is what he has been doing up and
till last Friday and then he begun objecting to a shovel and he says he
would like to join the rest of us and see what it was like and maybe he
would loose his objections. So now they are giveing him a week to make
up his mind what he is going to do and he is talking it over all the
while with the Lord and if the Lord tells him its O.K. to kill people
why well and good but he won't practice on us because in the first place
he hasn't no gun and if he had one he wouldn't know if it was to shoot
with or stir your coffee.
So afterwards I told Shorty Lahey he had made a mistake about Castle
and he says "All right and if he is a objecter it is up to us to talk
him out of it." So after supper tonight Castle was seting right near me
in the recreation room and Shorty come up to him and says "Well Castle
haven't you been able to get that party on the wire yet" so Castle asked
him what he meant and he says he heard Castle was waiting for a message
from somewheres telling him if he should be a soldier or not so Castle
didn't answer and begun to read. So Shorty says "You ain't the only one
that objects to war but we got to make the world safe for Democrats and
you shouldn't ought to object to getting your head blowed off in a good
cause." So Castle spoke up and said he didn't object to getting killed
but what he objected to was killing other people. So Shorty says "Well
then all you got to do is stick along side of me in the trenches and
when you get orders to go over the top you can slip me your gun and
bayonet and I will see that they don't nobody sneak off with them
dureing your absents." So then Castle got up and walked out on us.
[Illustration: He objected to being a soldier, so Capt. Nash asked him
if he would object to unloading a few cars of coal (p. 39).]
So I says to Shorty I said, "You certainly had the wrong dope on that
bird and maybe you got Sebastian wrong to." So he says "No I haven't and
I may as well tell you what he told me today. He told me he would of cut
you up in slices long ago only if he done it here in the camp he
wouldn't have no chance to make his get away and he is waiting till some
time he catchs you outside of the camp and then he will go to work on
you. And if I was you and a married man I would rather get it here then
in France because if you get it here your Mrs. can tend the funeral
provide it they find enough of the slices to make it worth while."
Well Al he has got a sweet chance to catch me outside of the camp
because when he is outside of the camp I will be inside of the camp and
I am glad I found out the truth about both he and Castle and now maybe I
can get some sleep.
So all and all I feel a whole lot better then I did only for my feet but
feet or no feet I will enjoy myself in Chi and I only wish I was going
tomorrow instead of wait till Sat.
Your pal, JACK.
CAMP GRANT, Oct. 7.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al its Sunday night and I haven't been to Chi or
nowheres else and I don't care if I ever go anywheres and the sooner
they send me to France to the front line trenches I will be tickled to
death.
Well old pal I decided yesterday A.M. to stay here and not go
and I made up my mind all of a sudden and it was partly because I wasn't
feeling good and my feet pretty near killed me and besides they are
going to pick some of us out for corporals and sargents pretty soon and
I figured a man would have a better chance of getting a officer job if
you didn't ask them for leave all the while. So as soon as I changed my
mind about going I found one of the boys that was going and asked him to
call Florrie up as soon as he got to Chi and tell her I couldn't get off
and for her to come out here today and see me and bring little Al.
Well Al yesterday and today has been the 2 longest days I ever spent and
it seems like a yr. since yesterday A.M. and it don't hardly
seem possible that I was feeling so good yesterday A.M. and now
I don't care if school keeps or not as they say. Yesterday A.M.
I was up before the buggle blowed all ready and so excited I couldn't
hardly eat breakfast and just before inspections Shorty Lahey seen me
smileing to myself and asked me what was the joke and I told him they
wasn't no joke only I was going home and he says he hoped I would have a
good trip and come back safe in sound so I said I guessed they wasn't no
danger of anything happening to me and he says "You will he O.K. if you
keep your eyes open." So I said "What do you mean keep my eyes open."
So he says "Your a game bird but they's no use of you takeing reckless
chances so you want to be on the look out every minute till you get
back."
So then I asked him what and the hell he was talking about and he says
"Didn't you know that Nick the Blade was going along with you?"
Well Al it seems like Sebastian got wise that I was going home on leave
and he seen a chance to get even with me for laughing at him or that is
he thought I was laughing at him but I really wasn't but any way as soon
as he found out I was going he told them his brother in law had fell and
struck his head on the brass rail and was dying and wanted him to come
home and they eat it up and give him leave. So when Shorty tipped me off
I said I would wait and go on a later train but Shorty says that
wouldn't do me no good because Nick wouldn't be a sucker enough to try
and pull anything on the train amidst all them soldiers but would wait
till we was in Chi and then he would get his gang and lay for me and the
way he generally worked was come right up to your flat and get you and
if your wife or kid says I yes or no it would be taps for them to. And
Nick could come back here to camp and they wouldn't never know he was
mixed up in it.
Well Al I guess you know I am not scared of anything in the world as far
as myself personly am concerned but Florrie isn't one of the kind that
would set there in a rocker and pair her finger nails while their
husband was getting massacreed and little Al is a game bird to and a
chip of the old block and they would both holler like a Indian and call
for the police and you know what would happen to the both of them and I
wouldn't care for myself but if anything happened to them I would feel
like I was the murder.
So while I just laughed at Sebastian and his gang on my own acct. I
would be a fine stiff to in danger my wife and baby and besides as I
said I eat something for breakfast that didn't set good on me and I
don't know if it was the coffee or the milk or what it was but I eat
something that was poisoned and that's a fine way to treat soldiers is
to give them poison food and the easiest way to get the Germans killed
off would be to invite them out here and board a while. And in the
second place if a man asks for leave when he hasn't only been here 2
wks. it would hurt my chance to get a corporal or a sargent and any way
I figured Florrie would rather see something new like the camp then set
through a ball game and of course it would be different if I was
pitching but I suppose it was Faber's turn today and I see where Cicotte
trimmed them yesterday but at that the score would of been 1 and 1 if
Felsch hadn't of hit that ball out of the park and Sallee must be his
brother in law or something to give him a ball like that to hit. If I
was pitching he would be lucky to hit one up in the press box.
So I told Sargent Leslie I wasn't feeling good and would he fix it for
me to take my leave some other time and he says I was the only soldier
he ever seen that was to sick to go on their leave so then I told him my
wife and kid was comeing out here to see me today and he says all right.
[Illustration: Camp Grant must be infected with mormons (p. 51).]
So I didn't go Al and the funny part of it is that somebody must of
tipped Sebastian off that I wasn't going and what does he do but get his
leave called off to and he has been here all yesterday and today and
that proves he is laying for me and just wanted to go because I was
going and it looks like the only way I can ever get away from here is
sneak out without letting nobody know I am going and even then he would
probably send word to his gang in Chi to keep their eye on me till he
come.
I have caught him looking at me 2 or 3 times and I had a notion to ask
him if he seen anything green but what is the use Al of starting
something with a man like he and if I was to loose my temper and bust
him Capt. Nash might hear about it and shut us both up in the guard
house together and one or the other of us wouldn't never come out alive
and which ever one it was it would give the camp a black eye.
Well Al about all I done today was look for Florrie and little Al and I
didn't give them up till 5 o'clock tonight because I thought maybe they
had missed the A.M. trains and would come later and every time
I seen a woman and kid toddleing up the road I would think sure it was
them this time and I was dissapointed about 30 thousand times because
they was at least that many women and kids here today and if they was
all somebody's wife Camp Grant must be infected with Mormons.
All the women had baskets and boxs full of pie and jell and fried cakes
and what all but they wasn't no package of goodys with my name and
address on them Al and they wasn't no little schaefer yelling theres
daddy when they seen me and running up to get huged.
Well Al the man that was to call up Florrie come back this P.M.
and come in the barracks just before I started this letter and I asked
him I said "Well Bishop did you call up my wife like I told you?" His
name is Bishop. "Hell" he says "I forgot all about it." And honest Al
his size is all that saved him the little srimph and if he was anywheres
near a man I would of Bishoped him right in the eye. But I managed to
keep my hands off of him and all as I said was for him to get out of my
way before it was to late and then he begun to whine and says how sorry
he was and he says "I got some excuse because I reached home just in
time to be presented with a baby girl."
How is that for an excuse Al and the only wonder is that he didn't
forget if it was a boy or a girl before he got back here but of course a
man like he wouldn't have nothing but a girl. But isn't it just my luck
Al for me to trust somebody to do something and then for them to go and
have a baby on me? And I hope every time he gos home she is yelling all
night with the collect.
Your pal, JACK.
CAMP GRANT, Oct. 10.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al I wrote to Florrie Sun. night and told her what had
came off and about this fat head forgetting to call her up and I just
got a letter back from her and she says her and little Al both of them
cried themself to sleep Saturday night because I didn't show up and she
had let little Al set up till 9 o'clock so as he could see his daddy in
a uniform and when I didn't come then or Sun. A.M. neither they
thought I didn't care for them no more so they went to the ball game
Sun. P.M., and McGraw started another left hander and you
probably read what happened to him and I suppose everybody is saying
what a whale Faber is and who wouldn't be a whale if they get 5 runs for
you in one inning but even if you are a whale that don't excuse you from
trying to steal a base that one of your own men all ready got there
ahead of you and hasn't left yet.
But Florrie and little Al are comeing out here next Sunday Al and this
time they won't be no mix up because I won't depend on no half wit that
the minute they become a father they go all to peaces.
But what I wanted to tell you about was Sebastian. Well Al Shorty Lahey
was trying to make me believe this bird was a bad egg and that they
called him Nick the Blade because he always went a round with a knife
and whittled you if you looked X eyed at him but the next time Shorty
wants to kid somebody he better try it on some yapp that hasn't been in
the big league and I let him think he was stringing me just to see how
far he would go with it but if he thought he had me fooled the shoes was
on his feet not mine.
Well Al Sebastian's name is just plain Nick without no Blade on it and
the only blade he ever pulled was a blade of grass or something because
he use to help take care of the grounds at Washington Pk. before he was
drafted and he has been one of my admirers for a long while and that is
why he kept looking at me and he says he use to always try and get to
the games when it was my turn to pitch and he has been wanting to talk
to me ever since we been here but today was the first time he got up the
nerve and he never had no intentions of going on leave last Sat. and to
prove it he showed me a letter he got from his wife last Friday and she
don't spell very good but she spoke in the letter about comeing here to
see him this next Sunday and nothing about him comeing there to see her
and she is going to bring their 2 kids along and he says he never seen
a man with a prettier wind up then I got and all together he is O.K. and
when Shorty trys to make you beleive somebody is a murder he ought to
pick out a man that looks like the part.
I haven't said nothing to Shorty and I won't but what I will do is play
a joke on him right back only I will make it a good one and not no
fizzle like some of his.
And oh yes Al they have sent Castle over to the quarter masters dept.
and he won't have a chance to kill nobody there except when they come
after a pair of shoes.
Your pal, JACK.
[Illustration]
CAMP GRANT, Oct. 12.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well old pal I am writeing this in the Y.M.C.A. where a man
has got some chance to hear yourself think as they say but if you try
and write over in the barracks if they don't joggle your arm or tip your
seat over for a joke they are all the time jabbering back and forth in
foreign languages till you get so balled up that instead of writeing a
letter a man is libel to make out his will in Eskimo or something.
Speaking about foreign languages Al the next time I see you I will be
talking French like a regular Frenchman and you will have to ask me to
translate what I am talking about. Of course I am just jokeing about
that because I wouldn't spring a lot of stuff on you that you wouldn't
understand and I might just as well go up to a statue and ask them how
their father stood his operation or something. But what I am getting at
is that I am going to join the French lesson class here and its
something that you don't have to belong to it unless you want to but I
figure a man is a sucker if they don't take advantage of a chance like
this because in the first place it don't cost you nothing and in the
second place the men that knows how to talk French will have all the
best of it when we get over there because suppose you was in Paris and
felt like you wanted a glass of pilsner and if you said it in French
they would fetch it to you but if you just said pilsner they wouldn't
know if you was asking for something to drink or a nasal dooch or what
not.
But besides that Al after we get to France the French officers will want
to tip us off on this and that about the Germans and of course they
won't talk to the privates but they will only talk to the officers and
if I am a officer by that time which it looks like a cinch I will be one
by that time at the outside why suppose I was standing by 1 of our
genls. and a French genl. wanted to tell him what was what and etc. but
couldn't talk nothing but French and our genl. couldn't make head or
tales of it then I could act like an interpeter between the both of them
and the first thing you know all the high monkey monks when they want to
talk back and forth will be pageing Capt. Keefe or Major Keefe or
whatever officer I am by that time.
Some of the boys laughed at me tonight when I told them about going to
attend the lessons but I will be the one that does the laughing when we
get across that old pond and Shorty Lahey the smart alex that I told you
about says to me "We won't do all our training with the French army but
we will do some of it with the English army so while you are at it you
better learn to talk English to." So I said "You better learn to talk
English yourself" and he shut his mouth.
Well Al Florrie and little Al will be here to see me Sunday and I can't
hardly wait for them to get here and I suppose Florrie will bring along
some daintys of some kind that she cooked up herself or maybe got the
swede girl to do it but of course I am not worring about whether she
brings anything or don't bring anything as long as she brings herself
and the kid only most of the wifes that comes out here Sundays brings
something along to show they been thinking of you though if I was most
of these birds wifes the only time I would think about them would be
when I said my prayers at night and then I would thank God they had
joined the army.
Your pal, JACK.
[Illustration]
CAMP GRANT, Oct. 14.
_FRIEND AL:_ Well Al its Sunday night and I been entertaining company.
Florrie and little Al got out here just after noon and I was in the
barracks reading about the world serious game in Chi yesterday and
Florrie says she asked 1 of the boys where I was at and he told her I
was polishing the general's shoes and wouldn't he do just as well. How
is that for a fresh bum Al and of course I don't have to polish the
general's shoes or any shoes and if I could find out who it was that
Florrie was talking to I would polish their jaw for them.
Well of course Florrie didn't beleive him and the next man she asked was
Nick Sebastian and he come and got me and you ought to seen Florrie
stair when she got a look at me in my uniform and little Al didn't know
me at first and when Florrie says to him who is it he says it was the
capt. Well Al it is to soon to be calling me a capt. but if they are
running this game on the square it won't be long and they will be
calling me more then that.
[Illustration: I didn't feel so sorry for him when we opened the boxes
they had broughten us (p. 65).]
Well Florrie handed me a box and she says I was to not open it till she
was gone and then I showed them over the camp and the way the boys
staired at Florrie I couldn't help from being proud of her but of course
if some of them had of got to fresh I would of fixed them so they
wouldn't do no stairing for a couple of wks. Sebastian's wife and 2 kids
was here to visit him and we run into them and we all went a round
together and I made the remark that it would be nice for Mrs. Sebastian
and her kids and Florrie and little Al to all go back to Chi on the same
train together and it was O.K. with Mrs. Sebastian but when I and
Florrie was alone together for a few minutes she started to ball me out
for makeing the suggestion and I asked her what was the matter with it
and she says she wasn't going to set in the same seat on the train with
a woman that looked like she had left home before she got up and little
Al would probably catch something from the 2 Sebastian kids so I said
that Mrs. Sebastian done real work for a liveing and you couldn't expect
her to look like Sarah Bernhart but Florrie is the kind that if she
takes a dislike towards somebody its good night to them and it don't do
no good to tell her that a person can't help their looks and that is all
the more reason you should try and not hurt their feelings. So Mrs.
Sebastian had a round trip ticket on the C.B. and Q. and so did Florrie
but she pretended like hers was on the I.C. and thats the way her and
little Al went back so they wouldn't have to set with the Sebastians and
take a chance of little Al catching something though from what I seen of
the Sebastian kids they looked as strong as a horse and they wasn't no
danger of catching nothing from them unless maybe it was the banana
habit.
I suppose I would of been a grass widower long ago if I was ugly and how
will it be if I get shot up in the war and Florrie would sew me for a
bill of divorce on the grounds that I didn't have no nose to smell the
cooking.
Well Al after they had gone Sebastian made the remark that I had a
beautiful wife and I couldn't help from feeling kind of sorry for him so
I says "Never mind old boy" I said to him "as long as your Mrs. is a
good mother and willing to work you should not worry if she is no Eva
Tanguay." But I didn't feel so sorry for him when we opened up the boxs
they had broughten us and Sebastian's wife had give him doughnuts and a
pie and part of a cake and goodys of all kinds and when I opened up my
box it was a lb. of candy like you get in a union station for 60 cts and
if it wasn't for the picture of a girl on the cover it would be all
profit and a man can't eat the picture which was the only part of it
that hadn't ran together like chop sooy and Florrie would of made just
as big a hit with me if she had of put in the time bakeing me a mess of
cookys that she spent toneing up her ear lobs or something.
Well Al I suppose you read about yesterday's game in Chi. I been saying
right along that the White Sox was to lucky to loose and the only way I
can figure out yesterday's game is that they must be a rule in the
National League where you can't change from 1 pitcher to another pitcher
till the other team gives their consent. From what I read in the papers
Sallee could of been turned loose with his fast ball in a looking glass
factory without damageing the goods and when Jackson and Collins begins
to take a toe hold against a left hander its time to summons the Red X.
You will notice Rowland didn't waist no time getting Russell out of
there and the next time he starts a left hander will be on the training
trip next spring in Wichita where if you beat them to bad they won't
give you a card to the Elks.
Your pal, JACK.
CAMP GRANT, Oct. 16.
_MY CHER AMI:_ I suppose you will think I have gone crazy when you read
the way I started this letter out and you will wonder if I have gone
crazy. Well Al that is the French word for my dear friend in English so
you see I have not gone crazy after all. I took my first lesson last
night and it is going to be nuts to learn it because most of the words
is just like English only spelled different and you don't say them the
same but the man learns us a dozen words and tells us how to say them
and we keep saying them over till we get them down and it wont' be long
when we got enough of them learned so as we can jabber back and forth in
front of the boys that didn't have sense enough to learn it and they
won't know if we are calling them names or getting ready to murder them.
Well Al we had Gen. Barry out overlooking us yesterday and he said we
was a fine looking bunch of soldiers as he even seen and we put in most
of the day digging trenchs just like the ones they got over in Germany
and when we get them fixed up we will practice fighting for them till we
can go through them Dutchmen like they was fly paper and I wouldn't be
surprised Al if we got word soon to pack up and start because Red
Sampson one of the boys in our Co. has got a brother thats over there
all ready and he is Gen. Pershing's right hand bower and so he gets the
dope pretty straight and in a letter Red got from him he says Gen.
Pershing had asked Secty. Daniels to send over the best looking lot of
soldiers from each camp and from what Gen. Barry said about us I suppose
we will be the first to go but it may not be for a wk. or so because Red
said he heard we wasn't going till each Co. had a rifle.