[27] _Kruptadia_: Heilbronn: 1883: Henninger Frères: vol. 1: _Secret
Stories from the Russian_.
Two young girls held converse together. Quoth one:
“Like thee, little one, I, too, will never marry.”
“And why should we marry against our will?” said the other. “We have no
masters.”
“Hast seen, little one, that instrument with which men make trial upon
us?”
“I have seen it.”
“And is it not huge?”
“Little one, it is assuredly of the size of an arm!”
“One would never come out of it alive.”
“Come, I will tickle thee with a straw.”
“That also hurteth me.”
The foolish one lay down, and the wiser fell to tickling her with a
straw. “Ah! that hurteth!” she repeated.
Now the father of one of the young girls forced her to take a husband;
she waited two nights, then went to see her young friend.
“Good day, little one,” she said.
The latter besought her to relate forthwith what had befallen.
“Ah!” answered the young wife. “Had I known, had I truly known the
business, I had not listened to my father or my mother. I thought to
lose my life, and my tongue hung from my mouth a foot in length.”
The young friend was so affrighted that she had no wish to speak
further of fiancés.
“I will wed with none,” quoth she. “And if my father seeks to employ
violence, 1 will espouse, for form’s sake, the first bachelor I
encounter.”
Now there was in the same village a young lad and a very poor. None
would give him a seemly maid in marriage, and he did not desire an ill;
by chance he overheard the conversation of the young girls.
“Wait,” thought he to himself. “I will play a trick on that one. At a
suitable moment I will say that I have no yard.”
Came a day when the young girl went to mass; she beheld the lad leading
his horse, thin and unshod, to the watering place; the poor beast went
limping, and the young girl laughed. They came to a steep slope; the
mare climbed with difficulty, then fell and rolled on her back. The
lad was annoyed, seized the mare by her tail, and fell to beating her
without pity, saying:
“Get up! Thou wilt flay all the skin off thyself!”
“Why beatest thou the horse, brigand?” asked the young girl.
The lad lifted the tail, looked at it and said:
“And what should I do? Futter her? But I have no yard.”
When the girl heard his words, she pissed herself with joy, saying:
“Behold! the good God hath sent me a fiancé after my liking!”
She returned to her house, sat down in a secluded corner, and fell to
pouting. Presently all the family seated themselves at table, calling
on her to come, but she replied in anger:
“I will not!”
“Come, Douniouchka,” said the mother. “What art thinking of? Tell me.”
The father intervened.
“Why dost pout? Perchance thou dost desire to wed? Thou wouldst wed
with this one and not with that?” The young girl had but one idea in
her head: to wed Ivan the No-Yard.
“I will wed,” she replied, “neither this one nor that. An it please ye
or not, I will wed Ivan.”
“What sayest thou, little fool? Art enraged, or hast lost thy reason?
Thou wouldst share thy life with him?”
“He is my destiny. Seek not to marry me to another, else I will drown
or strangle myself.”
Hitherto the old father had not honoured the poverty-stricken Ivan
with so much as a look, but now he went himself to the lad to make him
release his daughter. He approached. Ivan was seated, repairing an old
hempen shoe.
“Good day, Ivanouchka.”
“Good day, old man.”
“What dost thou?”
“I seek to mend my hempen shoes.”
“Shoes? Thou hast need of new boots.”
“Since I have with difficulty amassed fifteen copeks to buy these
shoes, where shall I find money to purchase boots?”
“And why dost thou not marry, Vania?”
“Who would give me his daughter?”
“I, if thou wilt! Kiss me on the mouth.”
And they came to an understanding.
At the rich man’s house there was no lack of beer and brandy. The girl
and the lad were wed forthwith, high feast was held, and then the best
man conducted the young people to their sleeping chamber and put them
to bed. One knows the sequel. Ivan pierced the young girl till she bled
and there was a road by which he might travel.
“What a blockhead, what a fool I have been!” thought Dounuka. “What
have I done? How much better had I taken one richly-endowed! But where
hath he found this yard? I will question him.”
And she questioned him, saying:
“Hearken, Ivanouchka. Where hast got this yard?”
“I have hired it from mine uncle for one night.”
“Ah! my little dove! Beg it of him for yet another night.”
A second night passed and she said to him again:
“Little dove! Beg of thine uncle if he will not sell thee the yard
outright. But bargain well.”
“Good. One can always bargain.”
He went to the house of his grandsire, came to an understanding with
him,[28] and returned to his home.
[28] _Lui donne le mot._ “Put him wise” would be the exact modern
equivalent.
“Well, what of it?” asked his wife.
“What can I say?” answered the lad. “There was no bargaining with him.
We must give him three hundred roubles or he will not yield us the
yard. And where may we get this sum?”
“Ah, well. Return and beg him to hire thee the yard for yet another
night. To-morrow I ask my father for the money, and we will buy the
yard outright.”
“Nay--go thyself and ask it of him. In sooth, I dare not.”
She went to the uncle’s house, entered his apartment, prayed to heaven,
and bowed, saying:
“Good day, mine uncle.”
“Thou art welcome. What good news hast thou?”
“See, mine uncle, I am shamed to speak, but ‘twould be a sin an I kept
silent. Lend thy yard to Ivan for a night.”
The relative took counsel with himself, shook his head, and said:
“It can be lent, but care must be taken of a yard belonging to another.”
“We will take care of it, uncle. I swear by the Cross. And to-morrow,
without fail, we will buy it outright of thee.”
“Go, then, and send Ivan to me.”
She bowed to the earth and left the house.
On the morrow she went to seek her father, asked of him three hundred
roubles for her husband, and bought for herself a good yard.
_EXCURSUS_ to _THE ENCHANTED RING_, _THE INSTRUMENT_, and _THE TIMOROUS
FIANCÉE_.
Each of the three foregoing stories is remarkable for the fact that
it contains the same naïve idea--the possibility of purchasing a
male “implement.” The idea is fairly common in folk-lore stories of
virginity, but, almost always, results in a highly humorous situation.
It is a crude but very effective method of depicting the ignorance,
even stupidity, of a virgin girl. It also affords the story-teller an
opportunity of an indirect reference to a favourite theme--the erotic
tendency of women once their sexual senses are aroused.[29]
[29] _C.f._ _Excursus_ to _The Tale of Kamar al-Zaman_, where the
subject is discussed at length.
One episode of _The Enchanted Ring_ (the remarkable qualities of the
young man’s _penis_ when adorned with the ring) can hardly fail to
recall “_The Night of Power_,” (Sir Richard F. Burton’s _Thousand
Nights and a Night_), wherein the husband’s organs undergo rapid
and wonderful transformation. This tale is described by Sir Richard
Burton as “the grossest and most brutal satire on the sex, suggesting
that a woman would prefer an additional inch of _penis_ to anything
this world or the next can offer her.” One cannot help noting, none
the less, the indecent anxiety of the mother-in-law, in our story
from _Kruptadia_, to sample the mighty yard of the newly-returned
husband.[30]
[30] In _The Night of Power_ we have the story of a man who, believing
that three prayers would be granted to him, consults his wife as
to what he shall ask. She advises him to ask Allah to “greaten and
magnify his yard.” He does so, whereupon his yard “became as big
as a column, and he could neither sit nor stand nor move about nor
even stir from his stead; and when he would have carnally known his
wife, she fled before him from place to place.” In distress the
husband asks, as his second wish, to be delivered of this burden, and
“immediately his prickle disappeared altogether and he became clean
smooth. When his wife saw this, she said: ‘I have no occasion for thee
now thou art become pegless as an eunuch, shaven and shorn.... Pray
Allah the most High to restore thee thy yard as it was.’ So he prayed
to his Lord and his prickle was restored to its first estate. Thus
the man lost his three wishes by the ill counsel and lack of wit in
the woman.” Our brief summary is taken from Sir Richard F. Burton’s
translation of _The Thousand Nights and a Night_.