[19] _Kruptadia_: Heilbronn, 1883: Henninger Frères: vol. 1: _Secret
Stories from the Russian_, No. 32. Also _Contes Secrets Russes_:
Paris: Liseux, 1891.
In a certain reign, in a certain kingdom, there lived once on a time
three peasant brethren, who quarrelled among themselves and divided up
their goods; they did not share equally, and the division gave much to
the elder brethren but very little to the youngest.
All three were young lads. They went forth together into the courtyard,
saying one to the other:
“‘Tis time for us to wed.”
“‘Tis well enough for ye,” quoth the youngest brother. “Ye are rich,
and the rich can marry. But what may I do? I am poor. I have not even
a log of wood to my name. All I have for a fortune is a yard which
reacheth to my knees!”
On this very moment there chanced to pass a merchant’s daughter, who
overheard these words and said to herself:
“Ah! that I might have this young man for a husband! He hath a yard
that reacheth to his very knees!”
The two elder brethren married; the youngest remained single.
The merchant’s daughter, back in her home, had no thought in her head
but to wed the young peasant; several rich merchants sought her hand in
marriage, but she would have none of them.
“I will wed with none save this young man,” quoth she.
Her father and mother sought to dissuade her. “What art thinking on,
foolish one?” said they. “Come back to thy senses! Why wouldst wed with
a poor peasant?”
“Concern not yourselves with that!” answered she. “‘Tis not ye who will
have to live with him!”
The merchant’s daughter came to an understanding with the matchmaker,
and dispatched her to tell the young man to come without fail and ask
her hand in marriage. The matchmaker went to see him, saying:
“Hearken, oh! my little dove. Why standest there gaping? Go ask in
marriage the merchant’s daughter. She hath awaited thee this long time,
and will wed thee with joy.”
The young man swiftly apparelled himself, donned a new smock-frock,
took his new hat, and hied him forthwith to the house of the merchant
to ask his daughter’s hand in marriage. When the merchant’s daughter
perceived him, when she recognised that it was indeed he whose yard
reached to his knees, she fell to asking her father and mother for
their blessing on a union indissoluble.
On the wedding night she went to bed with her husband, and perceived
that he had but a little yard, smaller even than a finger.
“Oh! thou scoundrel!” she cried. “Thou boastest ownership of a yard
reaching to thy knees! What hast done with it?”
“Dear wife, thou knowest that I was a bachelor, and very poor; when I
resolved to marry, I had neither gold nor aught else to enable me so to
do. So I have pledged my yard.”[20]
[20] Literally: “put it in pawn.”
“And for what sum hast thou pledged thy yard?”
“But for little--for fifty roubles.”
“Good. On the morrow I will go seek my mother, I will beg money of her,
and thou wilt go without fail to recover thy yard. If thou dost not buy
it back, enter not the house!”
She waited until morn, then ran swiftly in search of her mother, saying:
“Grant me a favour, little mother. Give me fifty roubles. I have sore
need of them.”
“But tell me why thou hast need of them.”
“See, little mother. My husband had a yard which reached to his knees.
When we desired to marry, he knew not where to find the money, the poor
man, and he hath pledged his yard for fifty roubles. Now my husband
hath but a tiny yard, even smaller than a finger. ‘Tis of the utmost
necessity, therefore, to buy back his ancient yard.”
The mother, understanding the need, drew fifty roubles from her purse,
and gave them to her daughter. The latter returned to her home and gave
the money to her husband, saying:
“Go! Run now swiftly to buy back thine ancient yard, in order that
strangers may not make use of it!”
The young man took the money and went forth, eyes downcast. Where might
he turn now? Where find for his wife such a yard? Best leave it to
chance.
He went forward, now swiftly, now slowly, and at length he encountered
an aged woman.
“Good day, good woman.”
“Good day, good man. Whither goest thou at this pace?”
“Ah, good woman--would thou knewest--would thou didst know my
sorrow--would I might tell thee whither I go!”
“Tell me thy sorrow, little dove. Perchance I can come to thine aid.”
“I am shamed to tell it thee.”
“Fear not, have no shame. Speak boldly.”
“Ah, well, see here, good woman. I had boasted of having a yard that
reached to my knees; a merchant’s daughter, who had heard this,
espoused me, but when she lay with me on our wedding night and
perceived that I had but a little yard, smaller than a finger, she
cried out and asked what I had done with my great yard. I told her that
I had pledged it for fifty roubles; she gave me the money and bade me
buy it back without fail; otherwise, I might not show myself again at
my home. And I know not how to satisfy my little dove.”
The aged woman made answer to him:
“Give me thy money,” said she, “and I will find a remedy for thy
sorrow.”
Forthwith he drew the fifty roubles from his pocket and gave them to
her; the aged woman handed to him a ring.
“Come, take this ring,” quoth she. “Put it only on thy finger nail.”
The young man took the ring, and scarce had he put it on his finger
nail ere his yard stretched itself a cubit’s length.
“Well, what of it?” asked the aged woman. “Doth thy yard reach to thy
knees?”
“Yea, good woman. It reacheth even below my knees.”
“Now, my little dove, pass the ring down thy whole finger.”
He passed the ring over his entire finger, and his yard lengthened out
even unto seven versts.[21]
[21] A verst would be about 1,170 yards. The virtue of the ring was
indeed remarkable!
“Ah! good woman! where shall I lodge it? It will bring me ill fortune
with my wife.”
“Thrust up the ring to thy finger nail; thy yard will be but a cubit’s
span. This for thy guidance--pay attention and never put the ring
beyond thy finger nail.”
He thanked the aged woman, and retook the road homeward; and as he
journeyed he rejoiced in that he need not appear before his wife with
empty hands.
But as he went, he felt a desire to eat. Going aside, he seated himself
not far from the road at the foot of a burdock, drew biscuits from
his wallet, dipped them in water, and fell to eating. Anon, desire to
slumber o’er-came him; he lay down, belly uppermost, and played with
the ring. He put it upon his finger nail, and his yard rose to the
height of a cubit’s span; he pressed his whole finger through the ring,
and his yard rose to a height of seven versts; he removed the ring, and
his yard became small as before. He examined and re-examined the ring,
and thus he fell asleep. But he forgot to conceal the ring, which
rested upon his belly.
There chanced to pass in a carriage a lord and his wife. The lord
saw, not far from the road, a peasant aslumbering, and upon his belly
glittered a ring, as it were a live coal in the sun. He stopped the
horses, saying to his lackey:
“Approach the peasant, take the ring, and bring it to me.”
Straightway the lackey ran to the peasant, and carried back the ring to
the lord. And these went on their way.
The lord admired the ring.
“Look thou, my dear loved one,” said he to his wife. “What a superb
ring! Behold! I put it upon my finger.” And he passed it down his whole
finger.
Straightway his yard reached out, o’erturned the coachman from his box
seat, struck one of the mares right beneath the tail, pushed aside the
animal, and caused the carriage to go ahead of it.[22]
[22] _Contes Secrets Russes_ translate: “His yard stretched forth,
hurled the driver from his seat, passed beyond the team of horses, and
reached out in front of the carriage for a distance of seven versts.”
The lady beheld what misfortune had befallen, was greatly affrighted,
and cried with all her force to the lackey, saying:
“Run most swiftly to the peasant and lead him hither!”
The lackey sped amain to the peasant and aroused him, saying:
“Come swiftly, my little peasant, to my master!”
The peasant sought his ring.
“A curse on thee! Thou hast taken my ring!”
“Seek not,” said the lackey. “Come to my master. He hath thy ring,
which hath caused us a great fuss.”
The peasant ran to the carriage. Quoth the lord to him:
“Pardon me, but come to my aid in my misfortune!”
“What wilt give me, lord?”
“Here are one hundred roubles.”
“Give me two hundred and I will deliver thee.”
The lord drew two hundred roubles from his pocket, the peasant took the
money, and withdrew the ring from the lord’s finger, whereat the yard
vanished as if by magic, and there was left to the lord but his former
little instrument.
The lord went his way, and the peasant hied him homeward with the ring.
His wife was at the window and saw him come; she ran to meet him.
“Hast brought it back?” asked she.
“I have.”
“Show it me!”
“Come within the chamber. I cannot show it thee outside.”
They entered the chamber, nor did the wife cease to repeat: “Show it
me! Show it me!”
He placed the ring on his finger-nail, and his yard lengthened a
cubit’s span; then he drew off his drawers, saying: “Behold, wife!”
The wife fell on his neck.
“My dear little husband, here is truly an instrument that will be
better in our house than with strangers. Come swiftly and eat; then we
will to bed and make trial of it.”
Forthwith she put upon the table all manner of meats and beverages,
and they fell to eating and drinking. Having feasted, they betook
themselves to bed. When he had pierced his wife with this yard, she,
for three whole days, was ever peering ‘neath his garment; it seemed to
her that the yard was ever thrusting between her legs.
She went to pay a visit to her mother, what time her husband hied him
to the garden and lay down ‘neath an apple tree.
“Well,” asked the mother of her daughter, “have ye bought back the
yard?”
“We have bought it back, little mother.”
And the mother had but one thought: to steal away, profiting by her
daughter’s visit, to run to the house of her son-in-law, and to make
trial of his great yard.
And while the daughter chattered, the mother came to the house of the
son-in-law and sped into the garden. The son-in-law was aslumbering;
the ring was on his finger nail, and his yard stood erect to the height
of a cubit’s span.
“I will mount upon his yard,” said the good mother to herself.
And she mounted, in sooth, upon the yard, and balanced herself thereon.
But, by ill fortune, the ring slipped to the base of the finger of the
son-in-law what time he slept, and the yard raised the good mother to
the height of seven versts.
The daughter perceived that her mother had gone forth, she divined the
reason, and hastened to return home. In her house there was no one. She
went into the garden, and what saw she? Her husband aslumbering, his
yard raised to a vast height, and, all in the clouds, the good mother,
scarce visible; and she, when the wind blew, turned upon the yard as
though upon a stake.
What to do? How remove her mother from off the yard?
A great crowd had come together; they discussed; they proferred
counsel. Said some: there is naught for it but to take a hatchet and
cut the yard. Said others: no, ‘tis a bad plan. Why lose two souls? For
as soon as the yard is cut, the woman will fall and kill herself. ‘Tis
better to pray to God that perchance by some miracle the old woman will
disentangle herself from it.
During this time the son-in-law awoke, and perceived that his ring
had descended to the base of his finger, that his yard raised itself
towards the sky to a height of seven versts, and that it nailed him
solidly to the earth, in such wise that he could not turn upon his
other side.
He withdrew very softly the ring from his finger; his yard descended to
the height of a cubit’s span; and the son-in-law saw his mother-in-law
suspended upon it.
“How camest thou there, little mother?”
“Pardon, my little son-in-law. I will not do it any more!”
_VARIANT._
Once on a time a tailor possessed a magic ring; as soon as he put it
upon his finger, his yard assumed an extraordinary development. It fell
out that he went to work at the house of a woman; by nature he was gay
and given to jesting, and when he lay down to slumber he neglected
always to cover his genitals.
The woman observed that he had a yard of great proportions; desirous of
sampling the power of such an instrument, she summoned the tailor to
her chamber.
“Hearken,” quoth she to him. “Consent to sin once with me.”
“Why not, madam? But only on one condition--that thou dost not fart! If
thou dost fart, thou shalt pay me three hundred roubles.”
“Very good,” answered she.
They betook themselves to bed; the good woman took all possible
precautions not to expel wind during the sexual act; she instructed her
chambermaid to seek a large onion, to thrust this into her fundament,
and to hold it there with both hands. These orders were carried out
minutely, but at the first assault delivered by the tailor upon the
woman, the onion was violently expelled and struck the chambermaid
with such force that she was killed outright!
The woman lost her three hundred roubles; the tailor pocketed this sum
and hied him homeward. Having journeyed some distance, he felt a desire
to slumber and lay down in a field. He placed the ring upon his finger
and his yard stretched to the length of one verst. As he lay thus,
slumber o’ertook him, and whilst he slept came seven starving wolves,
which devoured the greater part of his yard. He awoke as if naught had
chanced,[23] took the ring from his finger, put it in his pocket, and
pursued his way.
[23] The _Kruptadia_ version says: “As if flies had just tickled his
yard.”
Came night, and the tailor entered the house of a peasant. Now this
peasant had married a young woman who had a liking for well-membered
men. The guest went to sleep in the courtyard, leaving his yard
exposed. Perceiving it, the peasant’s wife felt a great desire; raising
her robe, she coupled with the tailor.
“Good,” quoth he to himself; and he placed the ring on his finger, and
his yard rose little by little to the height of one verst. But when the
wife perceived herself so far from the earth, all desire to futter left
her, and she clung with both hands to this strange support in mid-air.
Beholding the peril that beset the wretched woman, her neighbours and
relations fell to praying for the safety of both. But the tailor gently
withdrew the ring from his finger; gradually the dimensions of his
member decreased, and, when it reached but to a small height, the woman
jumped to earth.
“Ah! insatiable coynte,” quoth the tailor to her. “It had been thy
death had they cut my yard.”[24]
[24] The main theme of these foregoing _contes_--the yard which
increases to gigantic proportions--is not confined to Russian
folk-lore. In _Kruptadia_, vol. 2: _Some Erotic Folk-Lore from
Scotland_, we find the following:--A man and a woman were in each
other’s embraces. The man was succuba. His yard began to enlarge and
enlarge and lift the woman. When she was nearly reaching the roof she
exclaimed: “Farewell freens, farewell foes, For I’m awa’ to heaven On
a pintel’s nose.”