SETTLED
_Le château qui parle et la femme qui écoute_--Bernadette Lisle had
begun to be conscious of the truth contained in the proverb, and to
recognise where she had made her great mistake. Though Oliver Wyse had
told her that he was in love with her, she had allowed him to go on
coming to the house as usual; and she had not even explicitly barred the
dangerous topic. Little use if she had! To keep him on the other side of
the hall-door was really the only way. But, though startled and
frightened, she had not been affronted; though rejecting his suit, she
had been curious and excited about it. It was a complication indeed; but
it cut across a home-life which had not complications of that kind
enough, in which nobody catered for her emotions; she had to look
somewhere outside for that. A lover makes a woman very interesting to
herself. He casts a new light on familiar things; he turns disagreeables
into tragedies, routine into slavery, placid affection into neglect. He
converts whims into aspirations, freaks into instincts, selfishness into
the realisation of self. All this with no willing hypocrisy, not at all
meaning to tell her lies. He is simply making her see herself as he sees
her, to behold with him her transfiguration.
Oliver Wyse was lucky in that he had more truth on his side than many a
lover can boast. Her life was starved of great things; she was in a
sense wasted; her youth and beauty, things that pass, were passing with
no worthy scope; where the sweetest intimacy should be, there was none;
her marriage was a misfit. It could not be denied that she had
contrived, in spite of these unpromising facts, to be fairly happy. But
that was before her eyes were open, he hinted, before she had looked on
the transfiguration, before she knew her true self. She supposed that
must be so, though with an obstinate feeling that she might manage to be
fairly happy again, if only he and his transfiguration would go away--or
if she might just look at it, and wonder, and admire, without being
committed to the drastic steps which lovers expect of the
transfigurations they have made. Is it absolutely necessary to throw
your cap over the mill just because somebody at last really understands
and appreciates you? That was a question Bernadette often asked
herself--quite fretfully. The action was threatened by so many
penalties, spiritual and worldly.
She had her shrewdness also, increased by the experience of a beauty,
who has seen many aspire in golden ardour, sigh in piteous failure, and
presently ride away on another chase with remarkably cheerful
countenances. If this after failure, what after success? Men were
tempestuous in wooing; what were they when the fight was won? She knew
about her husband, of course, but she meant real men--so her thoughts
perilously put a contrast.
"Have you often been in love, Sir Christopher?" she asked the old Judge
one day as he sat in her little den, sipping tea and smoking cigarettes.
He was a lifelong bachelor. "Often, Bernadette."
"Now, tell me," she said, leaning towards him with a knitted brow and a
mighty serious look. "Of all the women you've been in love with, is
there anyone you now wish you'd married?"
"Yes, certainly. Two."
"Out of how many?"
"I don't know. A matter of double figures, I'm afraid." Smiling, he put
an apologetic note into his voice. "They're not the two I was most
desperate about, Bernadette."
"Of course I should very much like to know who they were."
"But since, of course, that's impossible, let us continue the discussion
in the abstract."
"Why didn't you marry them--well, one of them, I mean, anyhow?"
"Is that the abstract? Well, one of them refused."
"To marry you?"
"She refused, Bernadette. Now please go back to the abstract."
"Without asking about the other?"
"I'm afraid so."
"All right. I don't think I care so much about desperation myself, you
know."
"Seen too much of it probably!" His old blue eyes twinkled.
"I could have fallen awfully in love with you, Judge. Do you often think
about those two?"
"Oftener about the others."
"That's very perverse of you."
"The whole thing's infernally perverse," said the Judge.
"However I suppose you've pretty well forgotten about the whole thing
now?"
"The deuce you do!"
"Did you soon get to be glad you hadn't married them--the other twenty
or so?"
"That varied. Besides, if I had married them, I might have become quite
content."
"They'd have got to look older, of course," Bernadette reflected. "But
people ought to be content with--well, with being content, oughtn't
they?"
"Well, you see, you're generally young when you're in
love--comparatively, at all events. You get content with being
content--as you neatly put it--rather later."
"That means you're not in love any more?"
"Life has its stages, Bernadette."
She gave a quick little shiver. "Horrid!"
"And children come, bringing all sorts of ties. That must make a
difference." The old man sighed lightly, clasping together his thin
hands with their gleaming rings.
"Oh, a tremendous difference, of course," Bernadette made orthodox
reply.
In effect just what she had said to Oliver Wyse himself when she lunched
with him at the Lancaster! "Among other things, you forget Margaret,"
she had said, reinforcing her resistance with every plea which came to
her hand. "I don't forget her, but I think first of all of you," had
been his reply. It was no doubt true that he thought of her before the
child; whether he thought of her first of all was much more open to
question. "She depends on me so much," she had urged, sounding even to
herself rather conventional. Did little Margaret really depend on her so
much--that demure prim child, self-centred, busy in a world of her own
with her fancies and her toys? She was shy and reserved, she neither
gave nor seemed to expect demonstrations of affection. She was her
father's daughter and promised to grow up like him in mind, as she
already showed a physical likeness. The natural bond existed between
mother and child and was felt. It was not strengthened by any
congeniality of disposition, nor by the tender appeal of frailty or
sickness--despite that doctor's advice, Margaret was robust and healthy.
They did not see much of one another really, not even at Hilsey. There
was so much to do. Bernadette was not a habit in her child's life and
doings; she was an interlude, and probably not seldom an interruption.
Still there they were--mother and child. And the child would grow up,
understand, and remember. No woman could make light of all that; if
Oliver thought she could, he did her gross injustice. No, he who loved
her would not do her wrong. Then he must understand that duty to the
child was a great thing with her. And yet he said there ought to be a
greater!
At the back of her mind, unacknowledged, was a thought which offered a
sop to conscience. She would not be leaving Margaret to strangers.
Besides the father, there would be Judith. The little girl was very fond
of Judith, and Judith of her. They seemed to understand one another;
Margaret's tranquil demureness fitted in with Judith's dry humour and
unemotional ways. The natural thing--under certain circumstances--would
be for Judith to take over the charge of her uncle's house. "Just as if
I were to die, you know," thought Bernadette.
Besides, all this assumed that she would go away. Of course Oliver
wanted that, but--well, lots of women didn't. Nice women too, some of
them, and good mothers. She could think of two or three at least among
her own acquaintance, and recognised now, with a sort of surprise and
relief, that she had never thought very particularly the worse of them
for their peccadillo; she had never shunned their society. Who
did--although everybody knew the facts? It was odd what a difference
there was between the official view (so to speak) and the way people
actually behaved about the matter; Oliver had been quite right on that
point--and even rather amusing.
She was seeing Oliver Wyse almost daily now, and their meeting was the
event of the day to her--anticipated, waited for, feared. Everything
else stood in relation to it--as a means or a hindrance, as a dull
contrast or a merciful relief. He found her eager and excited, he left
her often weary and fretful; but by the next day she was eager again.
She was like a man who drinks himself into a headache and sadly grows
sober, only to drink once more.
The eve of the household's departure to the country had come. They were
to go on the morrow; as matters were arranged, Oliver Wyse would join
them two days later. After another ten days, Arthur was due at Hilsey
for his visit, and two or three friends besides for a week-end. So stood
the programme--externally. But one point in it still hung in doubt, even
externally. Sir Oliver had a competing engagement--some important
business on the Continent; should he give up the business and come to
Hilsey? Or the other way? He put the question to her, when he came to
take leave of her--whether for three days, or for how much longer?
The time had passed when he could say, "It will wait." That had been
right when he said it; to hurry matters then would have been to fail.
But she had been brought to a point when a decision could be risked.
Risked it must be, not only because his feelings ardently demanded an
end to his suit, but lest he should become ridiculous in his own eyes.
Dangling and philandering were not to his taste. He had got a dangerous
notion into his head--that she would keep him hanging on and off to the
end of the chapter. He had often seen men cheated like that, and had
laughed at them. His passion was strong in him now, but his masculine
pride was equal to fighting it. He had himself on the curb. He could and
would leave her unless he could stay on his own terms. To tell her that
might involve cruelty to her; he did not stand on the scruple. There
were scruples enough and to spare, if a man began to reckon them, in an
affair of this kind. They were in the nature of the case. What animal
can live and thrive that does not add cunning to courage, trickery to
daring? He liked neither being cruel to her nor tricking those about
her; but for the moment these things had to be done. There should be an
end of them soon; he promised himself that and found comfort in the
promise.
But she fought him with a pertinacity that surprised him; he had not in
his heart expected so stout a resistance.
"It's not in the least for me to decide whether you come to Hilsey or
not," she told him roundly. "It's entirely for you. I ask you to pay me
a visit. Come or not as you like, Sir Oliver."
"But what does it mean if I do come?"
"I don't know. I'm not a prophet."
He put on no melodramatic airs. His manner was quiet and friendly still.
"You're a very provoking woman." He smiled. "I hate to be abrupt--well,
I don't think I have been--but this thing's got to be settled."
"Has it? Who says so? What is there to settle?"
"You're being tempestuous now." He threw her own word back at her, with
a laugh. "And you know quite well what there is to settle." He looked at
her stormy little face with love and tender amusement. But his answer he
meant to have.
"Settle, settle, settle! How many thousand times have you used that
word? I think I hate you, Sir Oliver."
"I begin to think myself that you don't love me. So I'd best be off on
my business."
"Yes, I really think you had. And when you come back, perhaps we can
consider----"
"Oh, dear me, no, we can't!"
She looked at him for an instant. Again he made her eyes dim. He hated
himself at the moment, but it seemed to him that there was nothing to do
but stick to his course. Else, whatever he felt now, he would feel
to-morrow that she had fooled him. She sat looking very forlorn, her
handkerchief clenched in her hand, ready to wipe away the tears. He went
and leant over her.
"Dearest, forgive me. You must think how I feel. Can't you love and
trust me?"
She thrust her hand confidingly into his: "I think I wish you'd just be
friends, Oliver."
An impulse of remorse struck him. "I think I wish I could," he said
ruefully.
"Then why not?"
"Oh, you don't understand--and I think you can't love me."
"Yes, I do. I'm sure I do."
He bent down and kissed her. She was thinking, and let the caress pass
as though unnoticed.
"I don't think I could manage life now without you."
"Well, doesn't that mean--? Come, it just needs a little courage."
"Oh, don't talk as if I were going to the dentist's!" But she gave the
hand she held an affectionate squeeze; her anger had passed. "I suppose
I've got to do it," she went on. "I suppose I have. It's rather an awful
thing, but I'm--I'm in a corner. Because I do love you--and, yes, I'm a
coward. It's such an awful plunge, and there's--oh, everything against
it! Except just you, of course. Oliver, I don't think I can come away."
He said nothing; he gently pressed her hand in encouragement.
She looked up at him and whispered, "Must I come away--now, directly?"
"Soon at all events."
"I must go down to Hilsey to--to see Margaret, you know, and----"
"Well, go. Make an excuse to come up from there, and I'll meet you."
"As if I should dare to do it without you to help me! You must come to
Hilsey too, Oliver, and we--we'll start from there."
It was a fluttering faltering consent, but a consent it was; though
still deferred, it was definite. It agreed not only to give him what he
wanted, but to give it in the way he liked--openly, before the world.
The short delay--to be spent largely in her company--weighed lightly
against all this. He caught her in his arms in gratitude and passion,
pouring out endearing words, beyond himself in exultation because "it
was settled."
Now at last she too was moved to the depths of her nature. She sat
clinging to him, with his strong arms about her, very quiet, smiling,
yet drawing her breath in long low pants, her dim eyes very tender and
never leaving his. So she heard his half-whispered protestations and
encouragement, smiling at them, just now and then murmuring a faint
"Yes." Her fears were silenced, her scruples scattered to the winds
while she sat thus.
It was strange when that same evening (on which, she thanked heaven, she
had no engagement) she sat--quite otherwise--at the head of her table
with her husband opposite, Judith Arden and Arthur Lisle on either
side--a little family party, a little domestic structure, so to say, of
which she was the keystone and which she was about to shatter. Yet it
seemed so firm, so habitual, the manner of its life so inveterate. Even
Arthur, the latest comer, was like a native part of it now. Its
permanence had looked so assured a few short weeks ago, when Oliver's
infatuation was a thing to smile over in amused secrecy. But it was not
permanent. She was going, by an arbitrary exercise of power, to end it.
Nay, she was going to end herself, the self she had been all these last
years--Godfrey's wife, Margaret's mother, Mrs. Lisle of Hilsey and of
Hill Street, W. This woman, with all her various functions and
relations, was going to disappear, like a bit of fluff blown into the
air. Enter--through a somewhat stormy passage--a new woman, utterly
different and conditioned absolutely otherwise, a person of whom Mrs.
Lisle really knew very little, though she reached out to the
comprehension of her and to the vision of her life with an ache of
curiosity.
The other three--that all unconscious trio--were in good spirits. Even
Godfrey was cheerful at the prospect of escaping from London and talked
quite gaily. Judith was looking forward to seeing Margaret and to the
country pursuits she loved; her talk was of riding, fishing, and tennis.
Arthur was gleeful; the short separation seemed but to flavour the
prospect of long and blissful days at Hilsey. Bernadette herself was the
most silent of the party, a thing quite contrary to her wont. She sat
there with a queer attractive sense of power--in kind perhaps like what
they say has sometimes tempted men to secret murder--as though she
dispensed fate to her companions and disposed of their lives, though
they knew nothing of it. About them, even as about the new woman who was
to come into being, her dominant feeling was not compunction but
curiosity. How would they take it? Imagine them at dinner at Hilsey--say
this day three weeks or this day month! Three, not four, at table, and
Mrs. Lisle of Hilsey not merely not there, but for all purposes
important for them non-existent! An exultation mingled now with her
eager curiosity. She marvelled that she had courage to wave the mystic
wand which was to destroy the structure. She looked on the three with an
ironical pity.
"Well, you all sound as if you were going to enjoy yourselves," she
said, at last breaking her silence. "Have you made any plans for me?"
"You always like the garden, don't you, Bernadette?" Godfrey's tone was
propitiatory.
"Oh, you must play tennis this year--and there'll be the new car!" said
Judith.
"Among other things, you're going to play golf with me. You promised!
The links are only about eight miles off. We can motor over and make a
jolly long day of it." Arthur's sentence would have gained significance
by the addition of one more word--"together."
"I see you've settled it all among you," she said. "But aren't you
forgetting our guest? While you and I are doing all this, what's to
become of Sir Oliver?"
Arthur looked round the table with brows raised and a gaily impudent
smile. He felt pretty safe of the sympathy of two of his audience; he
was confident that the third would pardon his presumption because of the
hint that lay beneath it--the hint that anything which interfered with
long days together would be unwelcome.
"For my part, I can't think what you want with your old Sir Oliver at
all," he said.
His speech came as a cap to the situation, a savoury titbit for her
ironical humour. She looked at him for a moment with eyes that sparkled
maliciously; then she broke into low long laughter. She seemed unable to
stop or control it. She sat and laughed at all of them--and most of all
at Cousin Arthur. He--they--it--all too absurd!
"Oh, I'm sorry!" she gasped at last, for their faces began to grow
astonished. "But it strikes me as very funny. If he could hear you!
Because he thinks a good deal of himself, you know--my old Sir Oliver!"