The college year swept rapidly to its close, so rapidly to the seniors
that the days seemed to melt in their grasp. The twentieth of June would
bring them their diplomas and the end of their college life. They felt a
bit chesty at the thought of that B.S. or A.B., but a little sentimental
at the thought of leaving "old Sanford."
Suddenly everything about the college became infinitely precious--every
tradition; every building, no matter how ugly; even the professors, not
just the deserving few--all of them.
Hugh took to wandering about the campus, sometimes alone, thinking of
Cynthia, sometimes with a favored crony such as George Winsor or Pudge
Jamieson. He didn't see very much of Norry the last month or two of
college. He was just as fond of him as ever, but Norry was only a
junior; he would not understand how a fellow felt about Sanford when he
was on the verge of leaving her. But George and Pudge did understand.
The boys didn't say much as they wandered around the buildings, merely
strolled along, occasionally pausing to laugh over some experience that
had happened to one of them in the building they were passing.
Hugh could never pass Surrey Hall without feeling something deeper than
sentimentality. He always thought of Carl Peters, from whom he had not
heard for more than a year. He understood Carl better now, his desire
to be a gentleman and his despair at ever succeeding. Surrey Hall held
drama for Hugh, not all of it pleasant, but he had a deeper affection
for the ivy-covered dormitory then he would ever have for the Nu Delta
House. He wondered what had become of Morse, the homesick freshman.
Poor Morse.... And the bull sessions he had sat in in old Surrey. He
had learned a lot from them, a whole lot....
The chapel where he had slept and surreptitiously eaten doughnuts and
read "The Sanford News" suddenly became a holy building, the building
that housed the soul of Sanford.... He knew that he was sentimental, that
he was investing buildings with a greater significance than they had in
their own right, but he continued to dream over the last four years and
to find a melancholy beauty in his own sentimentality. If it hadn't
been for Cynthia, he would have been perfectly happy.
Soon the examinations were over, and the underclassmen began to
depart. Good-by to all his friends who were not seniors. Good-by to
Norry Parker. "Thanks for the congratulations, old man. Sorry I can't
visit you this summer. Can't you spend a month with me on the farm...?"
Good-by to his fraternity brothers except the few left in his own
delegation. "Good-by, old man, good-by.... Sure, I'll see you next year
at the reunion." Good-by.... Good-by....
Sad, this business of saying good-by, damn sad. Gee, how a fellow would
miss all the good old eggs he had walked with and drunk with and bulled
with these past years. Good eggs, all of them--damn good eggs.... God!
a fellow couldn't appreciate college until he was about to leave it.
Oh, for a chance to live those four years over again. "Would I live
them differently? I'll say I would."
Good-by, boyhood.... Commencement was coming. Hugh hadn't thought
before of what that word meant. Commencement! The beginning. What was
he going to do with this commencement of his into life? Old Pudge was
going to law school and so was Jack Lawrence. George Winsor was going
to medical school. But what was he going to do? He felt so pathetically
unprepared. And then there was Cynthia.... What was he going to do
about her? She rarely left his mind. How could he tackle life when he
couldn't solve the problem she presented? It was like trying to run a
hundred against fast men when a fellow had only begun to train.
Henley had advised him to take a year or so at Harvard if his father
proved willing, and his father was more than willing, even eager. He
guessed that he'd take at least a year in Cambridge. Perhaps he could
find himself in that year. Maybe he could learn to write. He hoped to
God he could.
* * * * *
Just before commencement his relations with Cynthia came to a climax.
They had been constantly becoming more complicated. She was demanding
nothing of him, but her letters were tinged with despair. He felt at
last that he must see her. Then he would know whether he loved her or
not. A year before she had said that he didn't. How did she know? She
had said that all he felt for her was sex attraction. How did she know
that? Why, she had said that was all that she felt for him. And he had
heard plenty of fellows argue that love was nothing but sexual
attraction anyway, and that all the stuff the poets wrote was pure bunk.
Freud said something like that, he thought, and Freud knew a damn sight
more about it than the poets.
Yet, the doubt remained. Whether love was merely sexual attraction or
not, he wanted something more than that; his every instinct demanded
something more. He had noticed another thing: the fellows that weren't
engaged said that love was only sexual attraction; those who were
engaged vehemently denied it, and Hugh knew that some of the engaged
men had led gay lives in college. He could not reach any decision; at
times he was sure that what he felt for Cynthia was love; at other times
he was sure that it wasn't.
At last in desperation he telegraphed to her that he was coming to New
York and that she should meet him at Grand Central at three o'clock the
next day. He knew that he oughtn't to go. He would be able to stay in
New York only a little more than two hours because his father and mother
would arrive in Haydensville the day following, and he felt that he had
to be there to greet them. He damned himself for his impetuousness all
during the long trip, and a dozen times he wished he were back safe in
the Nu Delta house. What in hell would he say to Cynthia, anyway? What
would he do when he saw her? Kiss her? "I won't have a damned bit of
sense left if I do."
She was waiting for him as he came through the gate. Quite without
thinking, he put down his bag and kissed her. Her touch had its old
power; his blood leaped. With a tremendous effort of will he controlled
himself. That afternoon was all-important; he must keep his head.
"It's sweet of you to come," Cynthia whispered, clinging to him, "so
damned sweet."
"It's damned good to see you," he replied gruffly. "Come on while I
check this bag. I've only got a little over two hours, Cynthia; I've
got to get the five-ten back. My folks will be in Haydensville to-morrow
morning, and I've got to get back to meet them."
Her face clouded for an instant, but she tucked her arm gaily in his and
marched with him across the rotunda to the checking counter. When Hugh
had disposed of his bag, he suggested that they go to a little tea room
on Fifty-seventh Street. She agreed without argument. Once they were in
a taxi, she wanted to snuggle down into his arm, but she restrained
herself; she felt that she had to play fair.
Hugh said nothing. He was trying to think, and his thoughts whirled
around in a mad, drunken dance. He believed that he would be married
before he took the train back, at least engaged, and what would all that
mean? Did he want to get married? God! he didn't know.
When at last they were settled in a corner of the empty tea-room and had
given their order, they talked in an embarrassed fashion about their
recent letters, both of them carefully quiet and restrained. Finally
Hugh shoved his plate and cup aside and looked straight at her for the
first time. She was thin, much thinner than she had been a year ago, but
there was something sweeter about her, too; she seemed so quiet, so
gentle.
"We aren't going to get anywhere this way, Cynthia," he said
desperately. "We're both evading. I haven't any sense left, but what I
say from now on I am going to say straight out. I swore on the train
that I wouldn't kiss you. I knew that I wouldn't be able to think if I
did--and I can't; all I know is that I want to kiss you again." He
looked at her sitting across the little table from him, so slender and
still--a different Cynthia but damnably desirable. "Cynthia," he added
hoarsely, "if you took my hand, you could lead me to hell."
She in turn looked at him. He was much older than he had been a year
before. Then he had been a boy; now he seemed a man. He had not changed
particularly; he was as blond and young and clean as ever, but there was
something about his mouth and eyes, something more serious and more
stern, that made him seem years older.
"I don't want to lead you to hell, honey," she replied softly. "I left
Prom last year so that I wouldn't do that. I told you then that I wasn't
good for you--but I'm different now."
"I can see that. I don't know what it is, but you're different, awfully
different." He leaned forward suddenly. "Cynthia, shall we go over to
Jersey and get married? I understand that one can there right away.
We're both of age--"
"Wait, Hugh; wait." Cynthia's hands were tightly clasped in her lap.
"Are you sure that you want to? I've been thinking a lot since I got
your telegram. Are you sure you love me?"
He slumped back into his chair. "I don't know what love is," he
confessed miserably. "I can't find out." Cynthia's hands tightened in
her lap. "I've tried to think this business out, and I can't. I haven't
any right to ask you to marry me. I haven't any money, not a bit, and
I'm not prepared to do anything, either. As I wrote you, my folks want
me to go to Harvard next year." The mention of his poverty and of his
inability to support a wife brought him back to something approaching
normal again. "I suppose I'm just a kid, Cynthia," he added more
quietly, "but sometimes I feel a thousand years old. I do right now."
"What were your plans for next year and after that until you saw me?"
Her eyes searched his.
"Oh, I thought I'd go to Harvard a year or two and then try to write or
perhaps teach. Writing is slow business, I understand, and teaching
doesn't pay anything. I don't want to ask my father to support us, and I
won't let your folks. I lost my head when I suggested that we get
married. It would be foolish. I haven't the right."
"No," she agreed slowly; "no, neither of us has the right. I thought
before you came if you asked me to marry you--I was sure somehow that
you would--I would run right off and do it, but now I know that I
won't." She continued to gaze at him, her eyes troubled and confused.
What made him seem so much older, so different?
"Do you think we can ever forget Prom?" She waited for his reply. So
much depended on it.
"Of course," he answered impatiently. "I've forgotten that already. We
were crazy kids, that's all--youngsters trying to act smart and wild."
"Oh!" The ejaculation was soft, but it vibrated with pain. "You mean
that--that you wouldn't--well, you wouldn't get drunk like that again?"
"Of course not, especially at a dance. I'm not a child any longer,
Cynthia. I have sense enough now not to forfeit my self-respect again. I
hope so, anyway. I haven't been drunk in the last year. A drunkard is a
beastly sight, rotten. If I have learned anything in college, it is that
a man has to respect himself, and I can't respect any one any longer who
deliberately reduces himself to a beast. I was a beast with you a year
ago. I treated you like a woman of the streets, and I abused Norry
Parker's hospitality shamefully. If I can help it, I'll never act like a
rotter again, I hate a prig, Cynthia, like the devil, but I hate a
rotter even more. I hope I can learn to be neither."
As he spoke, Cynthia clenched her hands so tightly that the finger-nails
were bruising her tender palms, but her eyes remained dry and her lips
did not tremble. If he could have seen _her_ on some parties this last
year....
"You have changed a lot." Her words were barely audible. "You have
changed an awful lot."
He smiled. "I hope so. There are times now when I hate myself, but I
never hate myself so much as when I think of Prom. I've learned a lot in
the last year, and I hope I've learned enough to treat a decent girl
decently. I have never apologized to you the way I think I ought to."
"Don't!" she cried, her voice vibrant with pain. "Don't! I was more to
blame than you were. Let's not talk about that."
"All right. I'm more than willing to forget it." He paused and then
continued very seriously, "I can't ask you to marry me now,
Cynthia--but--but are you willing to wait for me? It may take time, but
I promise I'll work hard."
Cynthia's hands clenched convulsively. "No, Hugh honey," she whispered;
"I'll never marry you. I--I don't love you."
"What?" he demanded, his senses swimming in hopeless confusion. "What?"
She did not say that she knew that he did not love her; she did not tell
him how much his quixotic chivalry moved her. Nor did she tell him that
she knew only too well that she could lead him to hell, as he said, but
that that was the only place that she could lead him. These things she
felt positive of, but to mention them meant an argument--and an
argument would have been unendurable.
"No," she repeated, "I don't love you. You see, you're so different from
what I remembered. You've grown up and you've changed. Why, Hugh, we're
strangers. I've realized that while you've been talking. We don't know
each other, not a bit. We only saw each other for a week summer before
last and for two days last spring. Now we're two altogether different
people; and we don't know each other at all."
She prayed that he would deny her statements, that he would say they
knew each other by instinct--anything, so long as he did not agree.
"I certainly don't know you the way you're talking now," he said almost
roughly, his pride hurt and his mind in a turmoil. "I know that we don't
know each other, but I never thought that you thought that mattered."
Her hands clenched more tightly for an instant--and then lay open and
limp in her lap.
Her lips were trembling; so she smiled. "I didn't think it mattered
until you asked me to marry you. Then I knew it did. It was game of you
to offer to take a chance, but I'm not that game. I couldn't marry a
strange man. I like that man a lot, but I don't love him--and you don't
want me to marry you if I don't love you, do you, Hugh?"
"Of course not." He looked down in earnest thought and then said
softly, his eyes on the table, "I'm glad that you feel that way,
Cynthia." She bit her lip and trembled slightly. "I'll confess now that
I don't think that I love you, either. You sweep me clean off my feet
when I'm with you, but when I'm away from you I don't feel that way. I
think love must be something more than we feel for each other." He
looked up and smiled boyishly. "We'll go on being friends anyhow, won't
we?"
Somehow she managed to smile back at him. "Of course," she whispered,
and then after a brief pause added: "We had better go now. Your train
will be leaving pretty soon."
Hugh pulled out his watch. "By jingo, so it will."
He called the waiter, paid his bill, and a few minutes later they turned
into Fifth Avenue. They had gone about a block down the avenue when Hugh
saw some one a few feet ahead of him who looked familiar. Could it be
Carl Peters? By the Lord Harry, it was!
"Excuse me a minute, Cynthia, please. There's a fellow I know."
He rushed forward and caught Carl by the arm. Carl cried, "Hugh, by
God!" and shook hands with him violently. "Hell, Hugh, I'm glad to see
you."
Hugh turned to Cynthia, who was a pace behind them. He introduced Carl
and Cynthia to each other and then asked Carl why in the devil he
hadn't written.
Carl switched his leg with his cane and grinned. "You know darn well,
Hugh, that I don't write letters, but I did mean to write to you; I
meant to often. I've been traveling. My mother and I have just got back
from a trip around the world. Where are you going now?"
"Oh, golly," Hugh exclaimed, "I've got to hurry if I'm going to make
that train. Come on, Carl, with us to Grand Central. I've got to get the
five-ten back to Haydensville. My folks are coming up to-morrow for
commencement." Instantly he hated himself. Why did he have to mention
commencement? He might have remembered that it should have been Carl's
commencement, too.
Carl, however, did not seem in the least disturbed, and he cheerfully
accompanied Hugh and Cynthia to the station. He looked at Cynthia and
had an idea.
"Have you checked your bag?"
"Yes," Hugh replied.
"Well, give me the check and I'll get it for you. I'll meet you at the
gate."
Hugh surrendered the check and then proceeded to the gate with Cynthia.
He turned to her and asked gently, "May I kiss you, Cynthia?"
For an instant she looked down and said nothing; then she turned her
face up to his. He kissed her tenderly, wondering why he felt no
passion, afraid that he would.
"Good-by, Cynthia dear," he whispered.
Her hands fluttered helplessly about his coat lapels and then fell to
her side. She managed a brave little smile. "Good-by--honey."
Carl rushed up with the bag. "Gosh, Hugh, you've got to hurry; they're
closing the gate." He gripped his hand for a second. "Visit me at Bar
Harbor this summer if you can."
"Sure. Good-by, old man. Good-by Cynthia."
"Good-by--good-by."
Hugh slipped through the gate and, turned to wave at Carl and Cynthia.
They waved back, and then he ran for the train.
On the long trip to Haydensville Hugh relaxed. Now that the strain was
over, he felt suddenly weak, but it was sweet weakness. He could
graduate in peace now. The visit to New York had been worth while. And
what do you know, bumping into old Carl like that I Cynthia and he were
friends, too, the best friends in the world, but she no longer wanted to
marry him. That was fine.... He remembered the picture she and Carl had
made standing on the other side of the gate from him. "What a peach of a
pair. Golly, wouldn't it be funny if they hit it off...."
He thought over every word that he and Cynthia had said. She certainly
had been square all right. Not many like her, but "by heaven, I knew
down in my heart all the time that I didn't want to get married or even
engaged. It would have played hell with everything."