“Gussie,” I said, smiling paternally, “it was a lucky day for you
when Bertram Wooster interested himself in your affairs. As I foresaw
from the start, I can fix everything. This afternoon you shall go to
Brinkley Court, an honoured guest.”
He quivered like a _mousse_. I suppose it must always be rather a
thrilling experience for the novice to watch me taking hold.
“But, Bertie, you don’t mean you know these Traverses?”
“They are my Aunt Dahlia.”
“My gosh!”
“You see now,” I pointed out, “how lucky you were to get me behind you.
You go to Jeeves, and what does he do? He dresses you up in scarlet
tights and one of the foulest false beards of my experience, and sends
you off to fancy-dress balls. Result, agony of spirit and no progress.
I then take over and put you on the right lines. Could Jeeves have got
you into Brinkley Court? Not a chance. Aunt Dahlia isn’t his aunt. I
merely mention these things.”
“By Jove, Bertie, I don’t know how to thank you.”
“My dear chap!”
“But, I say.”
“Now what?”
“What do I do when I get there?”
“If you knew Brinkley Court, you would not ask that question. In those
romantic surroundings you can’t miss. Great lovers through the ages
have fixed up the preliminary formalities at Brinkley. The place is
simply ill with atmosphere. You will stroll with the girl in the shady
walks. You will sit with her on the shady lawns. You will row on the
lake with her. And gradually you will find yourself working up to a
point where----”
“By Jove, I believe you’re right.”
“Of course, I’m right. I’ve got engaged three times at Brinkley. No
business resulted, but the fact remains. And I went there without the
foggiest idea of indulging in the tender pash. I hadn’t the slightest
intention of proposing to anybody. Yet no sooner had I entered those
romantic grounds than I found myself reaching out for the nearest girl
in sight and slapping my soul down in front of her. It’s something in
the air.”
“I see exactly what you mean. That’s just what I want to be able to
do--work up to it. And in London--curse the place--everything’s in such
a rush that you don’t get a chance.”
“Quite. You see a girl alone for about five minutes a day, and if you
want to ask her to be your wife, you’ve got to charge into it as if you
were trying to grab the gold ring on a merry-go-round.”
“That’s right. London rattles one. I shall be a different man
altogether in the country. What a bit of luck this Travers woman
turning out to be your aunt.”
“I don’t know what you mean, turning out to be my aunt. She has been my
aunt all along.”
“I mean, how extraordinary that it should be your aunt that Madeline’s
going to stay with.”
“Not at all. She and my Cousin Angela are close friends. At Cannes she
was with us all the time.”
“Oh, you met Madeline at Cannes, did you? By Jove, Bertie,” said the
poor lizard devoutly, “I wish I could have seen her at Cannes. How
wonderful she must have looked in beach pyjamas! Oh, Bertie----”
“Quite,” I said, a little distantly. Even when restored by one of
Jeeves’s depth bombs, one doesn’t want this sort of thing after a
hard night. I touched the bell and, when Jeeves appeared, requested
him to bring me telegraph form and pencil. I then wrote a well-worded
communication to Aunt Dahlia, informing her that I was sending my
friend, Augustus Fink-Nottle, down to Brinkley today to enjoy her
hospitality, and handed it to Gussie.
“Push that in at the first post office you pass,” I said. “She will
find it waiting for her on her return.”
Gussie popped along, flapping the telegram and looking like a close-up
of Joan Crawford, and I turned to Jeeves and gave him a précis of my
operations.
“Simple, you observe, Jeeves. Nothing elaborate.”
“No, sir.”
“Nothing far-fetched. Nothing strained or bizarre. Just Nature’s
remedy.”
“Yes, sir.”
“This is the attack as it should have been delivered. What do you call
it when two people of opposite sexes are bunged together in close
association in a secluded spot, meeting each other every day and seeing
a lot of each other?”
“Is ‘propinquity’ the word you wish, sir?”
“It is. I stake everything on propinquity, Jeeves. Propinquity, in
my opinion, is what will do the trick. At the moment, as you are
aware, Gussie is a mere jelly when in the presence. But ask yourself
how he will feel in a week or so, after he and she have been helping
themselves to sausages out of the same dish day after day at the
breakfast sideboard. Cutting the same ham, ladling out communal kidneys
and bacon--why----”