“So be it,” I said. “Have it your own way.... Yes, Jeeves?”
“Mr. Fink-Nottle’s cab, sir.”
“Ah? The cab, eh?... Your cab, Gussie.”
“Oh, the cab? Oh, right. Of course, yes, rather.... Thanks, Jeeves ...
Well, so long, Bertie.”
And giving me the sort of weak smile Roman gladiators used to give the
Emperor before entering the arena, Gussie trickled off. And I turned to
Jeeves. The moment had arrived for putting him in his place, and I was
all for it.
It was a little difficult to know how to begin, of course. I mean to
say, while firmly resolved to tick him off, I didn’t want to gash his
feelings too deeply. Even when displaying the iron hand, we Woosters
like to keep the thing fairly matey.
However, on consideration, I saw that there was nothing to be gained by
trying to lead up to it gently. It is never any use beating about the b.
“Jeeves,” I said, “may I speak frankly?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“What I have to say may wound you.”
“Not at all, sir.”
“Well, then, I have been having a chat with Mr. Fink-Nottle, and he has
been telling me about this Mephistopheles scheme of yours.”
“Yes, sir?”
“Now let me get it straight. If I follow your reasoning correctly,
you think that, stimulated by being upholstered throughout in scarlet
tights, Mr. Fink-Nottle, on encountering the adored object, will
vibrate his tail and generally let himself go with a whoop.”
“I am of opinion that he will lose much of his normal diffidence, sir.”
“I don’t agree with you, Jeeves.”
“No, sir?”
“No. In fact, not to put too fine a point upon it, I consider that of
all the dashed silly, drivelling ideas I ever heard in my puff this
is the most blithering and futile. It won’t work. Not a chance. All
you have done is to subject Mr. Fink-Nottle to the nameless horrors
of a fancy-dress ball for nothing. And this is not the first time
this sort of thing has happened. To be quite candid, Jeeves, I have
frequently noticed before now a tendency or disposition on your part to
become--what’s the word?”
“I could not say, sir.”
“Eloquent? No, it’s not eloquent. Elusive? No, it’s not elusive. It’s
on the tip of my tongue. Begins with an ‘e’ and means being a jolly
sight too clever.”
“Elaborate, sir?”
“That is the exact word I was after. Too elaborate, Jeeves--that is
what you are frequently prone to become. Your methods are not simple,
not straightforward. You cloud the issue with a lot of fancy stuff that
is not of the essence. All that Gussie needs is the elder-brotherly
advice of a seasoned man of the world. So what I suggest is that from
now onward you leave this case to me.”
“Very good, sir.”
“You lay off and devote yourself to your duties about the home.”
“Very good, sir.”
“I shall no doubt think of something quite simple and straightforward
yet perfectly effective ere long. I will make a point of seeing Gussie
tomorrow.”
“Very good, sir.”
“Right ho, Jeeves.”
But on the morrow all those telegrams started coming in, and I confess
that for twenty-four hours I didn’t give the poor chap a thought,
having problems of my own to contend with.
-3-
The first of the telegrams arrived shortly after noon, and Jeeves
brought it in with the before-luncheon snifter. It was from my Aunt
Dahlia, operating from Market Snodsbury, a small town of sorts a mile
or two along the main road as you leave her country seat.
It ran as follows:
_Come at once. Travers._
And when I say it puzzled me like the dickens, I am understating it;
if anything. As mysterious a communication, I considered, as was ever
flashed over the wires. I studied it in a profound reverie for the best
part of two dry Martinis and a dividend. I read it backwards. I read it
forwards. As a matter of fact, I have a sort of recollection of even
smelling it. But it still baffled me.
Consider the facts, I mean. It was only a few hours since this aunt
and I had parted, after being in constant association for nearly two
months. And yet here she was--with my farewell kiss still lingering on
her cheek, so to speak--pleading for another reunion. Bertram Wooster
is not accustomed to this gluttonous appetite for his society. Ask
anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that after two months of my
company, what the normal person feels is that that will about do for
the present. Indeed, I have known people who couldn’t stick it out for
more than a few days.
Before sitting down to the well-cooked, therefore, I sent this reply:
_Perplexed. Explain. Bertie._
To this I received an answer during the after-luncheon sleep:
_What on earth is there to be perplexed about, ass? Come at once.
Travers._
Three cigarettes and a couple of turns about the room, and I had my
response ready:
_How do you mean come at once? Regards. Bertie._