of the hotel.
Spruce
I've been watching this door, and no one has come out. My master has
had time to get his money and run. And I, diligent accomplice that I
am, wait here to make sure that the brother doesn't spoil things by
running to Torrington and discovering this mystery. Already, a
creditor has embarrassed me. It's laughable to think all that's
happened. I've put things into the hands of a man with an ardent
imagination. God, if McNaughten were a bit less headstrong and
argumentative, he'd have seen through it all by now. Thank Heaven for
passionate people. But I see Jenny coming. My amorous heart ignites
with new flames in her presence.
(Enter Jenny)
Jenny
I am come to look for your master.
Spruce
While waiting for him to come, permit my love to entertain you. Let me
sacrifice my heart at the altar of your matchless charms.
Jenny
Take your sacrifices elsewhere, and never trouble yourself to speak to
me again! Your master has treated me with disrespect, and I am going
to be avenged on you for it. To call me a creature!
Spruce
But, is that my fault?
Jenny (implacably)
You are his valet!
Spruce
Ha, don't pay attention to him. Sometimes, he's like that. Hard and
brutal as a dog.
Jenny
My ears are still ringing from his villainous words, and, my lady is
so scandalized that she is breaking with him, forever, even though it
breaks her poor heart. I am sent to collect her portrait and all her
letters.
Spruce
It's useless to keep the letters, but as to the portrait--the frame is
made of gold and studded with diamonds. It's my considered opinion,
that he should not part with the portrait,--it's too precious to give
back--from sentiment, of course. The two are not the same. We can pawn
it, if the need for money drives us to extremities, my child.
Jenny
Why make such a big fuss over a portrait.
Spruce
Because, we were in big trouble not long ago. Once burned, twice shy.
Fortunately, an uncle--a very honest man, has helped us out, by
voluntarily descending to the underworld quicker than we could say his
name. He has saved us in a very timely fashion, by making us heirs to
sixty thousand pounds.
Jenny
Ah, Heavens, so that's it!
Spruce
I tell you the truth.
Jenny
So--in such a short time, you've become rich.
Spruce
Right! We've received the sad, but happy, news of his death and the
princely bequest, and have got our money in less time than it takes to
tell you of it. My master is devilishly close to success.
Jenny
Oh, I don't doubt it.
Spruce
Judge for yourself. You see, he would have done a very foolish thing
to remain faithful to your lady under the circumstances. One must trim
one's sail to the wind.
Jenny
The world is full of lovers like that.
Spruce
Following his example, I am quitting the shop girls and the scullery
maids. My love wishes to rise to hearts of a higher rank. I will take
proud flight and rise to the peaks. The money will pass through my
trusty hands, and, fortunately, they're sticky. I believe I will throw
myself into business.
Jenny
You are going into business? You!
Spruce
Before two years have passed, watch me go by in a magnificent chaise--
on my way to the country. I'll be burning the paving stones with the
gallop of six Spanish horses. A French barber, numerous valets,
countless attendants, cooks--and pretty chambermaids will fill my
palace. My buffet will be of gold and porcelain. The wine will flow
like water in the Thames. My table will be open, my days, libertine.
When I wish to give a secret little supper, I will have a cozy retreat
prepared, where I will feast the fair ladies. One day, this one; the
next, that one. And I promise you, when your turn comes, and even
before that, to treat you to a feast.
Jenny (sarcastically)
I am overwhelmed!
Spruce
For you, my tenderness knows no bounds. But, look who's coming. It's
McNaughten himself. At your command, sir. You see me prepared to do my
duty.
(Enter McNaughten)
McNaughten
You've waited for me in this place for some time. Meanwhile, I've
found a paper that will expedite our little business with Mr.
Torrington.
Jenny
My mistress has decided to break with you forever. She has sent me
here to collect her portrait, her letters, her jewels, and everything
that belongs to her. She has ordered me to return to you, yours. Here
they are. (giving him a packet of letters and a portrait)
McNaughten (stunned)
All this, here, has been with her for a long time?
Jenny
It's the custom amongst HONEST people, when they quarrel and make a
final break, to return each other's letters and portraits.
McNaughten
Is it so?
Jenny
Yes, sir--without fail. This young man here will tell you so. Those
who live properly pride themselves on it.
McNaughten
Look here, my dear, all of this is a terrible nuisance, and you should
realize that I'm getting tired of putting up with it.
Jenny
Stop playing around! Here's your portrait--now give me hers, and, I'll
be off!
McNaughten
My portrait--what are you talking about?
Jenny
Yes, your portrait, which my mistress exchanged for hers--bad bargain,
though it was.
McNaughten (feebly)
I gave MY portrait to YOUR mistress?
Jenny
Look, are you going to pretend this is all a fable? That it is all
false?
McNaughten
Why, yes, by all the Devils, that is what I say, and what I will
maintain, now and forever.
Jenny
Surely, you wouldn't dare to take your oath on that, sir?
McNaughten
Yes, I swear it. For, I've never had my portrait drawn, which proves
it, beyond question.
Spruce
This is no time to feign. If you have received it, no matter how--you
are going too far.
McNaughten
I don't know anything about it--may the Devil take me if I do!
Jenny
Isn't this your portrait in this locket?
McNaughten
No--unless the Devil, to injure me, painted it with his own hands and
gave it to you.
Jenny
What audacity--what effrontery! But, I will confound you. Look--what
can you say to this witness? (opening the locket) Well--do you know
the face and the features?
McNaughten
How the Devil! It's--me. Who'd ever have thought such a thing
possible? Those are my eyes, my look.
Spruce (taking the portrait from Jenny)
Let's have a look, please. Put the original beside the copy. My word--
it is you, all right. A speaking portrait. Never did a painter draw a
better likeness.
McNaughten
There's some sorcery--or at least some trick. You will see. These two
creatures painted it while I was on the coach--just to play me some
trick. It's all part of their plan.
Jenny
Stop it, please.
McNaughten
Stop it yourself! Go try to meet men some other way, and leave me
alone.
Jenny
Give me back the portrait!
McNaughten
Of whom?
Jenny
Of my mistress, who else?
McNaughten (grabbing her roughly by the shoulders)
I don't know anything about it. Get out and leave me alone.
Jenny
Do you know, sir, that before leaving this place, I am going to
scratch your eyes out?
Spruce
Sir, to avoid any further quarrel--give her her portrait. You know a
woman scorned is a hundred times more vicious than all the Devils in
Hell.
McNaughten
But, were she a thousand times more of a Devil than she is-- I don't
know her or her mistress.
Spruce (to Jenny)
Never mind what he says. He must still be in love with her. Let me
soften him up a bit. Come back soon, and I will have it for you.
Jenny
Oh, all right. I can wait a little. But if he refuses to listen to
reason when I get back, I am going to burn the house down, understand?
(Smiling)
(Exit Jenny)
McNaughten
I don't know which of those harridans is more frightening: the
mistress or the maid. How can perfect strangers be so enthusiastic
about persecuting me--? Like furies from Hell.
Spruce
A man like you--young, loveable, handsome--is subject to these
misfortunes. Between lovers, fights like these are mere bagatelles.
>From today, I promise to make you friends with her.
McNaughten
Lord forbid.
Spruce (aside)
But, who do I see coming this way? It's the Squire. That hundred
pounds is going to spell trouble for us.
(Enter the Squire)
Squire
Hey, dear fellow, what luck--let me embrace you a thousand times to
show you how happy I am to see you. Look at me--I was outre--in
despair. This has been a horrible day, I've had nothing but bad luck
until Lo! I meet you. I've been buffeted on all sides by fate. Just
like a football.
McNaughten
Sir, I am sorry to see you this way, but I have no time to struggle
with you.
Squire
A pistol shot would be good for me. I wish someone would crush me into
the ground.
McNaughten
Who is this Irishman?
Spruce
Evidently, a dear friend of yours---although I think he's Welsh.
McNaughten
I've never seen him before.
Squire
I've just left a house--may the earth swallow it, and nature perish
with it--where I lost my last penny at cards. Outrageous luck. So, I
am obliged to ask you for the hundred pounds I loaned you when you
were in need. Excuse my importuning you, but you will pardon me--you
can see what a state I am in.
McNaughten
I pardon you, entirely, and you will pardon me, too, if I say that
this surprises me, entirely. I don't know you. How could you lend me a
hundred pounds, never having seen me before?
Squire (coldly)
What kind of talk is this? It passes my understanding.
McNaughten
I suppose your talk is easier to comprehend?
Squire
You pretend you don't owe me a hundred pounds?
McNaughten
No--on my oath. You've loaned to someone else, not me.
Squire
Perhaps, you don't recall, that before going to Germany, you needed
money for the campaign--not having enough money to buy a mule, let
alone a horse--
McNaughten
I don't recall a word of all this. I've never been to Germany.
Squire
That's where you said you were going. You came to me for help, and I
opened my purse for you, without any uncalled for remarks.
McNaughten
To me? I'd have to be crazy to borrow money from a Scotsman, or
Irishman, or whatever you are.
Squire (icily)
Sir, I am Welsh. This man here can bear witness; he was with you--I
recall his face. Come here, boy. Speak! Do you dare deny what his evil
heart tries in vain to forget?
Spruce (terrified)
Sir--
Squire
Speak, or my hand, possessed by fury, will--
Spruce
It comes to me in a confused way--
Squire
A confused way. Well, I am certain of it. I see you are no better than
your master. Though I blame you less--perhaps you fear your place or a
beating.
(To McNaughten)
Now, sir, give me my money, or take your sword.
McNaughten
What! Because I refuse to give you a hundred pounds, you compel me to
fight!
Squire
A little. Breaking an oath puts me in temper. Quickly--defend
yourself.
McNaughten
I am in no great rush. Let's discuss it further.
Squire
No discussion. Your choice is clear.
McNaughten
But, sir--
Squire
But, sir-- You must give me satisfaction
McNaughten
Me, give you, satisfaction? But, I swear, I don't owe you a penny. Sue
me--I will respond in court.
Squire
You know, very well, I did not even ask for a receipt! When someone
owes me--I carry my own bailiff. (drawing his sword)
McNaughten
Just Heaven--the brute! How am I to get out of this, without being
maimed or killed? How much do you insist I owe you?
Squire
A hundred pounds. How easily you forget.
McNaughten
But, I can't pay you a hundred pounds. I will give you half.
Squire
May I be pulverized to atoms, you will pay me my hundred pounds, in a
quarter of an hour or I will kill you instantly.
Spruce (low to McNaughten
The villain is prepared to kill us both, I believe. Give it to him--if
you're dead, what good will the sixty thousand pounds do you? Answer
him softly. The man is desperate and has nothing to lose.
McNaughten
But, it's robbery.
Spruce
Exactly. Your money or our lives.
McNaughten
He's very rude and I don't like him.
Spruce
What a time for reflections.
McNaughten
If you are in such a hurry, sir, so much the worse for you. I'll seek
another time to be angry. I haven't got a hundred pounds, but here are
sixty.
(To Spruce)
Give it to him, to calm him.
(Aside)
Ah, if I were not in line for this sixty thousand pounds, I would die
fighting, before I gave him a farthing. He looks formidable, though.
It would be quite a skirmish.
Spruce
Here's more than half your debt, sir. Tomorrow, you will have the
entire amount.
McNaughten
I want it clearly understood, that I protest, I do not owe you a
penny. I am paying you, only because you insist that I do.
Squire (taking the purse)
Goodday, sir, goodday. I see your soul. You spoke of honor to me, but
this proves the contrary. Never come near me again. No more of this
business. My nobility would be degraded in the presence of a coward
like you.
(Exit Squire)
McNaughten
Ha, has he got a nerve, to talk like that? Where am I? In what
country? Can this be England? What a race of perjurers. Men, women,
squires, merchants, customs officers, Welshmen. They all seem united
in an effort to enrage me. I don't know one of them, and they all
pretend to be my best friend come to surprise me. Let's go to
Torrington and get out of this frightful situation.
(McNaughten starts to leave)
Spruce (running after him and catching him)
Don't you want me to escort you to him?
McNaughten
I have no further need of your help. I am obliged to you for the
services you have rendered. (giving him some money) I couldn't praise
them more. But, from now on, I am so extremely suspicious that I am
going to fend for myself. Then, I will have only myself to blame if
something further goes wrong.
(Exit McNaughten)
Spruce
That fellow has got all his wits about him. He must decamp or go mad.
Still, if he stays a bit longer, he'll end up paying off all my
master's creditors.
(Enter the Captain)
Captain
Ah, my beloved Spruce, you see me beside myself. My fortune is so
great that I can hardly believe it. I have got the money--look! It has
force and power. All portable. Bills of Exchange--the best in London.
I will purchase two or three titles--with the best estates in England.
Spruce
What a windfall! Wealth comes to you from all sides. Please, let me
look over the notes. Beautiful engraving, excellent workmanship.
Pretty names. Superb style. Freely negotiable--not like love letters
on cheap paper where love distills itself in faded oaths, and idle
nonsense.
Captain
I know their worth better than you. But, just as the money did little
for me in the past, I hope, in the future, that it will serve me the
same way it does others.
Spruce
You don't know how luck has favored you. Your brother was just here,
and the Squire who loaned you a hundred pounds, suddenly appeared,
asking for the money. Your brother, naturally enough, thought the man
was insane. But the Squire, tiring of excuses drew his sword on the
spot. Your twin didn't care to fight--prudently, in my opinion, for
that Squire is the very Devil when his Welsh blood is up. So, your
brother gave half of it to the Squire, who took it as a reduction,
Captain
I am obliged to him for paying my debts.
Spruce
You don't owe him too much. He's done you a lot of harm with Flavella!
Captain (concerned)
He's seen her?
Spruce
Oh, indeed. He's a little brutal. He satirized her and said some
things that would put any woman's dander up. And, of course, she took
it as coming from you. Flavella left, rather incensed.
Captain
I've got to undeceive her of this error. But I see her coming. Where
are you heading, Madame? Where are you off to?
(Enter Flavella)
Flavella
Someplace you are not.
Spruce
There's tit for tat.
Flavella
I am going to Urania's to tell her she may have you. Love her, I
consent. I give her to you. I vow, henceforth, to flee you like a
monster and never see you more.
Captain
Madame--
Flavella
In return for the most intense love, what do I receive from you?
Injury and invective! It seems I appear to you without honor, wit or
attraction.
Captain
Madame, listen to me--
Flavella
Never. I don't understand how it is possible to be so brutal or to
have the audacity, the cold blood, to say such hard things to my very
face.
Captain
You know that in a public place--
Flavella
I don't know a thing.
Captain
Everything's all right--
Spruce
Listen, without so much passion.
Flavella
Do you intend that I expose myself again to his stupidities?
Spruce
My Lord, no. You jump to conclusions. In one moment, I am going to
dispel all these clouds and prove that you are both wrong (Flavella
and the Captain protest) and both right.
Flavella
Yes, I'm certainly right, as even you, can see.
Captain
And I am not wrong.
Spruce
All this little squabbling excites you. In two words it will be all
over. The gentleman has said certain harsh words to you?
Flavella
Past all belief.
Captain
But I say--
Spruce
Peace--away with petulance. I won't talk to either of you, if you are
always going to interrupt. The man who made this impertinent speech to
you is him--except he's not him. It's only his figure, manner, name,
and face. The one looks like the other. But, they differ, both are not
the same, and, in fact, are two! Thus, the other one is him--dressed
in his skin, the portrait of my Captain--he's the one who spoke so
unfeelingly to you.
Flavella
With what kind of nonsense do you hope to confuse me?
Captain
Don't go off without listening to him speak.
Spruce
Maybe I am not making myself clear. Monsieur has a brother in these
parts, a twin brother--identical in features and clothes. It was his
tongue that lashed you. You took him for this one, who is like him.
The other one is a brutal imposter. Here is the real McNaughten.
Flavella
What a strange story. Strange, I haven't heard it before. But--I
choose to believe it as it flatters my pride. Love renders my scorn
just and pardonable.
Captain
Your anger renders you more adorable in my eyes. Permit my passion--
(Trying to kiss her)
Flavella
Moderate your passions--
Captain
I am at fault. Too transported by pleasure, I push my passion a little
too far. But let us both forget our scorn.
Spruce (showing the Captain's hat)
So as not to be deceived--look for this mark. In a tight spot, it will
serve you like a beacon. Know which is which before you make for the
justice of the peace to be married.
Flavella
My heart will tell me sooner than my eyes.
Captain
May Heaven today complete my fortune. Without you, I want nothing and
renounce everything.
Spruce
Stop the compliments. When you are married, you will have leisure to
do that. Remember, Urania is against you. Let Madame return home in
peace for the moment. We must run to make the marriage contract. For
now we are at the beginning of the end--or is it the end of the
beginning? Anyway, we must finish.
CURTAIN