WITH THE FERNS.
"It is the little rift within the lute,
That by and by will make the music mute."
It was impossible for Eleanor to shake off the feeling. It rose fresh
with her the next day, and neither her own nor Mr. Carlisle's efforts
could dispose of it. To do Eleanor justice, she did not herself wish to
lose it, unless by the supply of her want; while she took special care
to hide her trouble from Mr. Carlisle. They took great gallops on the
moor, and long rides all about the country; the rides were delightful;
the talks were gay; but in them all, or at the end of them certainly,
Eleanor's secret cry was for some shelter for her unprotected head. The
thought would come up in every possible connexion, till it haunted her.
Not her approaching marriage, nor the preparations which were even
beginning for it, nor her involuntary subjection to all Mr. Carlisle's
pleasure, so much dwelt with Eleanor now as the question,--how she
should meet the storm which must break upon her some day; or rather the
sense that she could not meet it. The fairest and sweetest scene, or
condition of things, seemed but to bring up this thought more vividly
by very force of contrast.
Eleanor hid the whole within her own heart, and the fire burned there
all the more. Not a sign of it must Mr. Carlisle see; and as for Dr.
Cairnes, Eleanor could never get a chance for a safe talk with him.
Somebody was always near, or might be near. The very effort to hide her
thoughts grew sometimes irksome; and the whirl of engagements and
occupations in which she lived gave her a stifled feeling. She could
not even indulge herself in solitary consideration of that which there
was nobody to help her consider.
She hailed one day the announcement that Mr. Carlisle must let the next
day go by without riding or seeing her. He would be kept away at a town
some miles off, on county business. Mr. Carlisle had a good deal to do
with county politics and county business generally; made himself both
important and popular, and lost no thread of influence he had once
gathered into his hand. So Brompton would have him all the next day,
and Eleanor would have her time to herself.
That she might secure full possession of it, she ordered her pony and
went out alone after luncheon. She could not get free earlier. Now she
took no servant to follow her, and started off alone to the moors. It
was a delicious autumn day, mild and still and mellow. Eleanor got out
of sight or hearing of human habitations; then let her pony please
himself in his paces while she dropped the reins and thought. It was
hardly in Eleanor's nature to have bitter thoughts; they came as near
it on this occasion as they were apt to do; they were very dissatisfied
thoughts. She was on the whole dissatisfied with everybody; herself
most of all, it is true; but her mother and Mr. Carlisle had a share.
She did not want to be married at Christmas; she did not even care
about going to Switzerland, unless by her own good leave asked and
obtained; she was not willing to be managed as a child; yet Eleanor was
conscious that she was no better in Mr. Carlisle's hands. "I wonder
what sort of a master he will make," she thought, "when he has me
entirely in his power? I have no sort of liberty now." It humbled her;
it was her own fault; yet Eleanor liked Mr. Carlisle, and thought that
she loved him. She was young yet and very inexperienced. She also liked
all the splendour of the position he gave her. Yet above the
gratification of this, through the dazzle of wealth and pleasure and
power, Eleanor discerned now a want these could not fill. What should
she do when they failed? there was no provision in them for the want of
them. Eleanor forgot her loss of independence, and pondered these
thoughts till they grew bitter with pain. By turns she wished she had
never seen Mr. Rhys, who she remembered first started them; or wished
she could see him again.
In the stillness and freedom and peace of the wide moor, Eleanor had
fearlessly given herself up to her musings, without thinking or caring
which way she went. The pony, finding the choice left to him, had
naturally enough turned off into a track leading over some wild hills
where he had been bred; the locality had pleasant associations for him.
But it had none of any kind for Eleanor; and when she roused herself to
think of it, she found she was in a distant part of the moor and
drawing near to the hills aforesaid; a bleak and dreary looking region,
and very far from home. Neither was she very sure by which way she
might soonest regain a neighbourhood that she knew. To follow the path
she was on and turn off into the first track that branched in the right
direction, seemed the best to do; and she roused up her pony to an
energetic little gallop. It seemed little after the long bounds Black
Maggie would take through the air; but it was brisk work for the pony.
Eleanor kept him at his speed. It was luxurious, to be alone; ride as
she liked, slow or fast, and think as she liked, even forbidden
thoughts. Her own mistress once more. Eleanor exulted, all the more
because she was a rebel. The wild moor was delicious; the freedom was
delicious; only she was far from home and the afternoon was on the
wane. She kept the pony to his speed.
By the base of the hills near to which the road led her, stood a
miserable little house. It needed but a look at the place, to decide
that the people who lived in it must be also miserable, and probably in
more ways than one. Eleanor who had intended asking there for some news
of her whereabouts and the roads, changed her mind as she drew near and
resolved to pass the house at a gallop. So much for wise resolves. The
miserable children who dwelt in the house had been that day making a
bonfire for their amusement right on her track. The hot ashes were
still there; the pony set his feet in them, reared high, and threw his
rider, who had never known the pony do such a thing before and had no
reason to expect it of him. Eleanor was thrown clean off on the ground,
and fell stunned.
She picked herself up after a few minutes, to find no bones broken, the
miserable hut close by, and two children and an old crone looking at
her. The pony had concluded it a dangerous neighbourhood and departed,
shewing a clean pair of heels. Eleanor gathered her dress in her hand
and looked at the people who were staring at her. Such faces!
"What place is this?" she asked, forcing herself to be bold. The answer
was utterly unintelligible. All Eleanor could make out was the hoarsely
or thickly put question, "Be you hurted?"
"No, thank you--not at all, I believe," she said breathlessly, for she
had not got over the shock of her fall. "How far am I from the village
of Wiglands?"
Again the words that were spoken in reply gave no meaning to her ear.
"Boys, will one of you shew me the nearest way there? I will give you
something as soon as I get home."
The children stared, at her and at each other; but Eleanor was more
comprehensible to them than they to her. The old woman said some hoarse
words to the children; and then one of them stepped forth and said
strangely, "I 'ze go wiz ye."
"I'll reward him for it," said Eleanor, nodding to the old grandmother;
and set off, very glad to be walking away. She did not breathe freely
till a good many yards of distance were between her and the hut, where
the crone and the other child still remained watching her. There might
be others of the family coming home; and Eleanor walked at a brave pace
until she had well left the little hut behind, out of all fear of
pursuit. Then she began to feel that she was somewhat shattered by her
fall, and getting tired, and she went more gently. But it was a long,
long way; the reach of moor seemed endless; for it was a very different
thing to go over it on Black Maggie's feet from going over it on her
own. Eleanor was exceedingly weary, and still the brown common
stretched away on all sides of her; and the distant tuft of vegetation
which announced the village of Wiglands, stood afar off, and seemed to
be scarcely nearer after miles of walking. Before they reached it
Eleanor's feet were dragging after one another in weariest style. She
could not possibly go on to the Lodge without stopping to rest. How
should she reward and send back her guide? As she was thinking of this,
Eleanor saw the smoke curling up from a stray cottage hid among the
trees; it was Mrs. Williams's cottage. Her heart sprang with a sudden
temptation--doubted, balanced, and resolved. She had excuse enough; she
would do a rebellious thing. She would go there and rest. It might give
her a chance to see Mr. Rhys and hear him talk; it might not. If the
chance came, why she would be very glad of it. Eleanor had no money
about her; she hastily detached a gold pencil case from her watch
chain, and put it into the ragged creature's hand who had guided her;
saw him turn his back, then went with a sort of stealthy joy to the
front of Mrs. Williams's cottage, pushed the door open softly and went
in.
Nobody was there; not a cat; it was all still. An inner door stood
ajar; within there was a sound of voices, low and pleasant. Eleanor
supposed Mrs. Williams would make her appearance in a minute, and sank
down on the first chair that offered; sank even her head in her hands,
for very weariness and the very sense of rest and security gained. The
chair was one standing by the fire and near the open inner door; the
voices came quite plainly through; and the next minute let Eleanor know
that one of them was the voice of her little sister Julia; she heard
one of Julia's joyous utterances. The other voice belonged to Mr. Rhys.
No sound of Mrs. Williams. Eleanor sat still, her head bowed in her
hands, and listened.
It seemed that Julia was looking at something--or some collection of
things. Eleanor could hear the slight rustling of paper handled--then a
pause and talk. Julia had a great deal to say. Eleanor presently made
out that they were looking at a collection of plants. She felt so tired
that she had no inclination to move a single muscle. Mind and body sat
still to listen.
"And what is that?" she heard Julia say.
"Mountain fern."
"Isn't it beautiful! O that's as pretty as a feather."
"If you saw them growing, dozens of them springing from the same root,
you would think them beautiful. Then those brown edgings are black as
jet and glossy."
"Are those the _thecoe_, Mr. Rhys?"
"Yes. The Lastraeas, and all their family, have the fruit in those
little round spots, each with its own covering; that is their mark."
"It is so funny that plants should have families," said Julia. "Now is
this one of the family, Mr. Rhys?"
"Certainly; that is a Cystopteris."
"It's a dear little thing! Where did you get it, Mr. Rhys?"
"I do not remember. They grow pretty nearly all over; you find them on
rocks, and walls."
"_I_ don't find them," said Julia. "I wish I could. Now what is that?"
"Another of the family, but not a Cystopteris. That is the Holly fern.
Do you see how stiff and prickly it is? That was a troublesome one to
manage. I gathered it on a high mountain in Wales, I think."
"Are high mountains good places?"
"For the mountain ferns. That is another Lastraea you have now; that is
very elegant. That grows on mountains too, but also on many other
places; shoots up in elegant tufts almost a yard high. I have seen it
very beautiful. When the fruit is ripe, the indusium is something of a
lilac colour, spotting the frond in double rows--as you see it there. I
have seen these Lastraeas and others, growing in great profusion on a
wild place in Devonshire, in the neighbourhood of the rushing torrent
of a river. The spray flew up on the rocks and stones along its banks,
keeping them moist, and sometimes overflowed them; and there in the
vegetable matter that had by little and little collected, there was
such a shew of ferns as I have not often seen. Another Lastraea grew, I
should think, five feet high; and this one, and the Lady fern. Turn the
next sheet--there it is. That is the Lady fern."
"How perfectly beautiful!" Julia exclaimed. "Is that a Lastraea too?"
Mr. Rhys laughed a little as he answered "No." Until then his voice had
kept the quiet even tone of feeble strength.
"Why is it called Lady fern?"
"I do not know. Perhaps because it is so delicate in its
structure--perhaps because it is so tender. It does not bear being
broken from its root."
"But I think Eleanor is as strong as anybody," said Julia.
"Don't you remember how ill she was, only from having wetted her feet,
last summer?" said Mr. Rhys with perfect gravity.
"Well, what is that?" said Julia, not liking the inference they were
coming to.
"That is a little fern that loves the wet. It grows by
waterfalls--those are its homes. It grows close to the fall, where it
will be constantly watered by the spray from it; sometimes this little
half-brother it has, the Oak fern, is found there along with it. They
are elegant species."
"It must be nice to go to the waterfalls and climb up to get them,"
said Julia. "What do you call these little wet beauties, Mr. Rhys?"
"Polypodies."
"Polypodies! Now, Mr. Rhys,--O what is this? This is prettiest of all."
"Yes, one of the very prettiest. I found that in a cave, a wet cave, by
the sea. That is the sort of home it likes."
"In Wales?"
"In Wales I have found it, and elsewhere; in the south of England; but
always by the sea; in places where I have seen a great many other
beautiful things."
"By the sea, Mr. Rhys? Why I have been there, and I did not see
anything but the waves and the sand and the rocks."
"You did not know where to look."
"Where did you look?"
"Under the rocks;--and in them."
"_In_ the rocks, sir?"
"In their clefts and hollows and caves. In caves which I could only
reach in a boat, or by going in at low tide; then I saw things more
beautiful than a fairy palace, Julia."
"What sort of things?"
"Animals--and plants."
"Beautiful animals?"
"Very beautiful."
"Well I wish you would take me with you, Mr. Rhys. I would not mind
wetting my feet. I will be a Hard fern--not a Lady fern. Eleanor shall
be the lady. O Mr. Rhys, won't you hate to leave England?"
"There are plenty of beautiful things where I am going, Julia--if I get
well."
"But the people are so bad!"
"That is why I want to go to them."
"But what can you do to them?"
"I can tell them of the Lord Jesus, Julia. They have never heard of
him; that is why they are so evil."
"Maybe they won't believe you, Mr. Rhys."
"Maybe they will. But the Lord has commanded me to go, all the same."
"How, Mr. Rhys?"
He answered in the beautiful words of Paul--"How shall they believe on
him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a
preacher?" There was a sorrowful depth in his tones, speaking to
himself rather than to his little listener.
"Mr. Rhys, they are such dreadfully bad people, they might kill you,
and eat you."
"Yes."
"Are you not afraid?"
"No."
There is strangely much sometimes expressed, one can hardly say how, in
the tone of a single word. So it was with this word, even to the ears
of Eleanor in the next room. It was round and sweet, untrembling, with
something like a vibration of joy in its low utterance. It was but a
word, said in answer to a child's idle question; it pierced like a
barbed arrow through all the involutions of another heart, down into
the core. It was an accent of strength and quiet and fearless security,
though spoken by lips that were very uncertain of their tenure of life.
It gave the chord that Eleanor wanted sounded in her own soul; where
now there was no harmony at all, but sometimes a jarring clang, and
sometimes an echo of fear.
"But Mr. Rhys, aren't they very _dreadful_, over there where you want
to go?" Julia said.
"Very dreadful; more than you can possibly imagine, or than I can,
perhaps."
"Well I hope you won't go. Mr. Rhys, I think Mrs. Williams stays a
great while--it is time the kettle was on for your tea."
Eleanor had hardly time to be astonished at this most novel display of
careful housewifery on her little sister's part, whom indeed she would
have supposed to be ignorant that such a thing as a kettle existed;
when Julia came bounding into the outer room to look after the article,
or after the old dame who should take charge of it. She stopped short,
and Eleanor raised her head. Julia's exclamation was hearty.
"Hush!" whispered Eleanor.
"What should I hush for? there's nobody here but Mr. Rhys in the other
room; and he was saying the other day that he wanted to see you."
Back she bounded. "Mr. Rhys, here's Eleanor in the other room, and no
Mrs. Williams."
Eleanor heard the quiet answer--"Tell your sister, that as I cannot
walk out to see her, perhaps she will do me the favour to come in here."
There was nothing better, in the circumstances; indeed Eleanor felt she
must go in to explain herself; she only waited for Julia's brisk
summons--"Eleanor, Mr. Rhys wants to see you!"--and gathering up her
habit she walked into the other room as steadily as if she had all the
right in the world to be there; bearing herself a little proudly, for a
sudden thought of Mr. Carlisle came over her. Mr. Rhys was lying on the
couch, as she had seen him before; but she was startled at the paleness
of his face, made more startling by the very dark eyebrows and bushy
hair. He raised himself on his elbow as she came in, and Eleanor could
not refuse to give him her hand.
"I ought to apologise for not rising to receive you," he said,--"but
you see I cannot help it."
"I am very sorry, Mr. Rhys. Are you less strong than you were a few
weeks ago?"
"I seem to have no strength at all now," he answered with a half laugh.
"Will you not sit down? Julia, suppose you coax the fire to burn a
little brighter, for your sister's welcome?"
"She can do it herself," said Julia. "I am going to see to the fire in
the other room."
"No, that would be inhospitable," Mr. Rhys said with a smile; "and I do
not believe your sister knows how, Julia. She has not learned as many
things as you have."
Julia gave her friend a very loving look and went at the fire without
more words. Eleanor sat under a strange spell. She hardly knew her
sister in that look; and there was about the pale pure face that lay on
the couch, with its shining eyes, an atmosphere of influence that
subdued and enthralled her. It was with an effort that she roused
herself to give the intended explanation of her being in that place.
Mr. Rhys heard her throughout.
"I am very glad you were thrown," he said; "since it has procured me
the pleasure of seeing you."
"Mr. Carlisle will never let you ride alone again--that is one thing!"
said Julia. And having finished the fire and her exclamatory comments
together, she ran off into the other room. Her last words had called up
a deep flush on Eleanor's face. Mr. Rhys waited till it had passed
quite away, then he asked very calmly, and putting the question also
with his bright eyes,
"How have you been, since I saw you last?"
The eyes were bright, not with the specular brightness of many eyes,
but with a sort of fulness of light and keenness of intelligent vision.
Eleanor knew perfectly well to what they referred. She shrank within
herself, cowered, and hesitated. Then made a brave effort and threw
back the question.
"How have _you_ been, Mr. Rhys?"
"I have been well," he said. "You know it is the privilege of the
children of God, to glory in tribulations. That is what I am doing."
"Have you been so very ill?" asked Eleanor.
"My illness gives me no pain," he answered; "it only incapacitates me
for doing anything. And at first that was more grievous to me than you
can understand. With so much to do, and with my heart in the work, it
seemed as if my Master had laid me aside and said, 'You shall do no
more; you shall lie there and not speak my name to men any longer.' It
gave me great pain at first--I was tempted to rebel; but now I know
that patience worketh experience. I thank him for the lessons he has
taught me. I am willing to go out and be useful, or to lie here and be
comparatively useless,--just as my Lord will!"
The slow deliberate utterance, which testified at once of physical
weakness and mental power; the absolute repose of the bright face,
touched Eleanor profoundly. She sat spell-bound, forgetting her
overthrow and her fatigue and everything else; only conscious of her
struggling thoughts and cares of the weeks past and of the presence and
influence of the one person she knew who had the key to them.
"Having so few opportunities," he went on, "you will not be surprised
that I hail every one that offers, of speaking in my Mater's name. I
know that he has summoned you to his service, Miss Powle--is he your
Master yet?"
Eleanor pushed her chair round, grating it on the floor, so as to turn
her face a little away, and answered, "No."
"You have heard his call to you?"
Eleanor felt her whole heart convulsed in the struggle to answer or not
answer this question. With great difficulty she kept herself outwardly
perfectly quiet; and at last said hoarsely, looking away from Mr. Rhys
into the fire,
"How do you know anything about it?"
"Have you yielded obedience to his commands?" he said, disregarding her
words.
"I do not know what they are--" Eleanor answered.
"Have you sought to find them out?"
She hesitated, and said "no." Her face was completely turned away from
him now; but the tender intonation of the next words thrilled through
every nerve of her heart and brain.
"Then your head is uncovered yet by that helmet of security which you
were anxious about a little time ago?"
It was the speech of somebody who saw right into her heart and knew all
that was going on there; what was the use of holding out and trying to
maintain appearances? Eleanor's head sank; her heart gave way; she
burst into tears. Now was her chance, she thought; the ice was broken;
she would ask of Mr. Rhys all she wanted to know, for he could tell
her. Before another word was spoken, in rushed Julia.
"I've got that going," she said; "you shall have some tea directly, Mr.
Rhys. I hope Mrs. Williams will stay away till I get through. Now it
will take a little while--come here, Eleanor, and look at these
beautiful ferns."
Eleanor was sitting upright again; she had driven the tears back. She
hoped for another chance of speaking, when Julia should go to get her
tea ready. In the mean while she moved her seat, as her sister desired
her, to look over the ferns. This brought her into the neighbourhood of
the couch, where Julia sat on a low bench, turning the great sheets of
paper on the floor before her. It brought Eleanor's face into full
view, too, she knew; but now she did not care for that. Julia went on
rapturously with the ferns, asking information as before; and in Mr.
Rhys's answers there was a grave tone of preoccupation which thrilled
on Eleanor's ear and kept her own mind to the point where it had been.
"Are there ferns out there where you are going if you get well, Mr.
Rhys? new ones?"
"I have no doubt of it."
"Then you will gather them and dry them, won't you?"
"I think it is very possible I may."
"I wish you wouldn't go! O Mr. Rhys, tell Eleanor about that place; she
don't know about it. Tell her what you told me."
He did; perhaps to fill up the time and take Eleanor's attention from
herself for the moment. He gave a short account of the people in
question; a people of fine physical and even fine mental development,
for savages; inhabiting a country of great beauty and rich natural
resources; but at the same time sunk in the most abject depths of moral
debasement. A country where the "works of the devil" had reached their
utmost vigour; where men lived but for vile ends, and took the lives of
their fellow-men and each other with the utmost ruthlessness and
carelessness and horrible cruelty; and more than that, where they
dishonoured human life by abusing, and even eating, the forms in which
human life had residence. It was a terrible picture Mr. Rhys drew, in a
few words; so terrible, that it did take Eleanor's attention from all
else for the time.
"Is other life safe there?" she asked. "Do the white people who go
there feel themselves secure?"
"I presume they do not."
"Then why go to such a horrible place?"
"Why not?" he asked. "The darker they are, the more they want light."
"But it is to jeopardize the very life you wish to use for them."
Mr. Rhys was silent for a moment, and when he spoke it was only to make
a remark about the fern which lay displayed on the floor before Julia.
"That Hart's-tongue," said he, "I gathered from a cavern on the
sea-coast--where it grew hanging down from the roof,--quantities of it."
"In a dark cavern, Mr. Rhys?" said Julia.
"Not in a dark part of the cavern. No, it grew only where it could have
the light.--Miss Powle, I am of David's mind--'In God I have put my
trust; I will not fear what flesh can do to me.'"
He looked up at Eleanor as he spoke. The slight smile, the look, in
Eleanor's mood of mind, were like a coal of fire dropped into her
heart. It burned. She said nothing; sat still and looked at the fern on
the floor.
"But will you not feel _afraid_, Mr. Rhys?" said Julia.
"Why no, Julia. I shall have nothing to be afraid of. You forget who
will be with me."
Julia with that jumped up and ran off to see about her fire and kettle
in the other room. Eleanor and Mr. Rhys were left alone. The latter did
not speak. Eleanor longed to hear more, and made a great effort.
"I do not understand you," she said hoarsely, for in the stir of her
feelings she could not command a clear voice. "You say, He will be with
you. What do you mean? We cannot see him now. How will he be with you?"
She had raised her eyes, and she saw a strange softness and light pass
over the face she was looking at. Indefinable, unaccountable, she yet
saw it; a shining from the spiritual glory within, which Eleanor
recognized, though she had never seen it before. Fire and water were in
those bright eyes at once; and Eleanor guessed the latter evidence of
emotion was for his ignorant questioner. She had no heart left. By such
a flash of revelation the light from one spirit shewed the other its
darkness; dimly known to her before; but now, once and forever, she
knew where _she_ stood and where _he_ stood, and what the want of her
life must be, till she should stand there too. Her face shewed but a
little of the work going on with heavings and strugglings in her mind;
yet doubtless it was as readable to her companion as his had been to
her. She could only hear at the time--afterwards she pondered--the
words of his reply.
"I cannot shew him to you;--but he will shew himself to you, if you
seek him."
There was no chance for more words; Julia came in again; and was
thereafter bustling in and out, getting her cup of tea ready. Eleanor
could not meet her little sister's looks and probable words; she turned
hastily from the ferns and the couch and put herself at the window with
her back to everybody. There was a wild cry in her heart--"What shall I
do! what shall I do!" One thing she must have, or be miserable; how was
she to make it her own. As soon as she turned her face from that
cottage room and what was in it, she must meet the full blast of
opposing currents; unfavourable, adverse, overwhelming. Her light was
not strong enough to stand that blast, Eleanor knew; it would be blown
out directly;--and she left in darkness. In a desperate sense of this,
a desperate resolve to overcome it somehow, a despairing powerlessness
to contend, she sat at the window seeing nothing. She was brought to
herself at last by Julia's, "Eleanor--Mr. Rhys wants you to take a cup
of tea." Eleanor turned round mechanically, took the cup, and changed
her place for one near the fire.
She never forgot that scene. Julia's part in it gave it a most strange
air to Eleanor; so did her own. Julia was moving about, quite at home,
preparing cups of tea for everybody, herself included; and waiting upon
Mr. Rhys with a steady care and affectionateness which evidently met
with an affectionate return. The cottage room with its plain
furniture--the little common blue cups in which the tea was served--the
fire in the chimney on the coarse iron fire-dogs--the reclining figure
on the couch, and her own riding-habit in the middle of the room; were
all stereotyped on Eleanor's memory for ever. The tea refreshed her
very much.
"How are you going to get home, Miss Powle?" asked her host. "Have you
sent for a carriage?"
"No--I saw nobody to send--I can walk it quite well now," said Eleanor.
And feeling that the time was come, she set down her tea-cup and came
to bid her host good-bye; though she shrank from doing it. She gave him
her hand again, but she had no words to speak.
"Good-bye," said he. "I am sorry I am not well enough to come and see
you; I would take that liberty."
"And so I shall never see him again," thought Eleanor as she went out
of the cottage; "and nobody will ever speak any more words to me of
what I want to hear; and what will become of me! What chance shall I
have very soon--what chance have I now--to attend to these things? to
get right? and what chance would all these things have with Mr.
Carlisle? I could manage my mother. What will become of me!"
Eleanor walked and thought, both hard, till she got past the village;
finding herself alone, thought got the better of haste, and she threw
herself down under a tree to collect some order and steadiness in her
mind if possible before other interests and distractions broke in. She
sat with her face buried in her hands a good while. And one conclusion
Eleanor's thoughts came to; that there was a thing more needful than
other things; and that she would hold that one thing first in her mind,
and keep it first in her endeavours, and make all her arrangements
accordingly. Eleanor was young and untried, but her mind had a
tolerable back-bone of stiffness when once aroused to take action; her
conclusion meant something. She rose up, then; looked to see how far
down the sun was; and turning to pursue her walk vigorously--found Mr.
Carlisle at her side. He was as much surprised as she.
"Why Eleanor! what are you doing here?"
"Trying to get home. I have been thrown from my pony."
"Thrown! where?"
"Away on the moor--I don't know where. I never was there before. I am
not hurt."
"Then how come you here?"
"Walked here, sir."
"And where are your servants?"
"You forget. I am only Eleanor Powle--I do not go with a train after
me."
But she was obliged to give an account of the whole affair.
"You must not go alone in that way again," said he decidedly. "Sit down
again."
"Look where the sun is. I am going home," said Eleanor.
"Sit down. I am going to send for a carriage."
Eleanor protested, in vain. Mr. Carlisle sent his groom on to the Lodge
with the message, and the heels of the horses were presently clattering
in the distance. Eleanor stood still.
"I do not want rest," she insisted. "I am ready to walk home, and able.
I have been resting."
"How long?"
"A long while. I went into Mrs. Williams's cottage and rested there. I
would rather go on."
He put her hand upon his arm and turned towards the Lodge, but
permitted her after all to move only at the gentlest of rates.
"You will not go out in this way again?" he said; and the words were
more an expression of his own will than an enquiry as to hers.
"There is no reason why I should not," Eleanor answered.
"I do not like that you should be walking over moors and taking shelter
in cottages, without protection."
"I can protect myself. I know what is due to me."
"You must remember what is due to me," he said laughing, and stopping
her lips when she would have replied. Eleanor walked along, silenced,
and for the moment subdued. The wish was in her heart, to have let Mr.
Carlisle know in some degree what bent her spirit was taking; to have
given him some hint of what he must expect in her when she became his
wife; she could not find how to do it. She could not see the way to
begin. So far was Mr. Carlisle from the whole world of religious
interests and concerns, that to introduce it to him seemed like
bringing opposite poles together. She walked by his side very silent
and doubtful. He thought she was tired; put her into the carriage with
great tenderness when it came; and at parting from her in the evening
desired her to go early to rest.
Eleanor was very little likely to do it. The bodily adventures of the
day had left little trace, or little that was regarded; the mental
journey had been much more lasting in its effects. That night there was
a young moon, and Eleanor sat at her window, looking out into the
shadowy indistinctness of the outer world, while she tried to resolve
the confusion of her mind into something like visible order and
definiteness. Two points were clear, and seemed to loom up larger and
clearer the longer she thought about them; her supreme need of that
which she had not, the faith and deliverance of religion; and the
adverse influence and opposition of Mr. Carlisle in all the efforts she
might make to secure or maintain it. And under all this lurked a
thought that was like a serpent for its unrecognized coming and going
and for the sting it left,--a wish that she could put off her marriage.
No new thing in one way; Eleanor had never been willing it should be
fixed for so early a day; nevertheless she had accepted and submitted
to it, and become accustomed to the thought of it. Now repugnance
started up anew and with fresh energy. She could hardly understand
herself; her thoughts were a great turmoil; they went over and over
some of the experiences of the day, with an aimless dwelling upon them;
yet Eleanor was in general no dreamer. The words of Mr. Rhys, that had
pierced her with a sense of duty and need--the looks, that even in the
remembrance wrung her heart with their silent lesson-bearing--the
sympathy testified for herself, which intensified all her own
emotions,--and in contrast, the very tender and affectionate but
supreme manner of Mr. Carlisle, in whose power she felt she was,--the
alternation of these images and the thoughts they gave rise to, kept
Eleanor at her window, until the young moon went down behind the
western horizon and the night was dark with only stars. So dark she
felt, and miserable; and over and over and over again her cry of that
afternoon was re-echoed,--"What shall I do! what will become of me!"
Upon one thing she fixed. That Mr. Carlisle should know that he was not
going to find a gay wife in her, but one whose mind was set upon
somewhat else and upon another way of life. This would be very
distasteful to him; and he should know it. How she would manage to let
him know, Eleanor left to circumstances; but she went to bed with that
point determined.