"My financial condition," said our guest, resuming, "my fina_The Busted Ex-Texan, and Other Stories

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THE BUSTED EX-TEXAN

AND OTHER STORIES

W. H. H. MURRAY

[Illustration: Cover]*

[Illustration: W. H. H. Murray]

THE

BUSTED EX-TEXAN

AND

OTHER STORIES

W. H. H. MURRAY

AUTHOR OF "DAYLIGHT LAND," "THE STORY THE KEG TOLD ME,"

"ADIRONDACK ADVENTURES," ETC.

PHOTOGRAVURE PORTRAIT AND EIGHT FULL-PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS

BY THOS. WORTH.

BOSTON

DE WOLFE, FISKE & CO., PUBLISHERS

1890

CONTENTS

The Busted Ex-Texan

How Deacon Tubman And Parson Whitney Celebrated New Year's.

The Leaf Of Red Rose

ILLUSTRATIONS.

I. "I AM A BUSTED EX-TEXAN."

II. "PRACTICALLY INSIDE THE PAIL."

III. "AND WHEN I CAME DOWN."

IV. "LAY ABOARD OF THE OLD CUSS."

V. "LUFF HER UP--LUFF HER UP."

VI. THE DEACON AND PARSON.

VII. THE RACE.

VIII. THE FIRST PRIZE FOR THE _Wickedest Cow_.

THE BUSTED EX-TEXAN.

We were camped amid the foot-hills on the trail which led up to the

Kicking Horse Pass. The sun had already passed from sight, beyond the

white summits above us, and the shadow of the monstrous mountain range

darkened the prairie to the east, to the horizon's rim. Our bivouac was

made in a grove of lofty firs, six or eight in number; and a little

rivulet, trickling from the upper slopes, fell, with soft, lapsing

sound, within a few feet of our camp-fire. We did not even pitch a tent,

for the sky was mild, and above us the monstrous trees lifted their

protecting canopy of stems. The hammocks were swung for the ladies, and

each gentleman "preëmpted" the claim that suited him best, by depositing

his blanket and rifle upon it. The entire party were in the best of

spirits, and nature responded to our happiness in its kindest mood.

Laughter sounded pleasantly at intervals from the busy groups, each

working at some self-appointed industry. The hum of cheerful

conversation mingled with the murmurs of the brook; and now and then the

snatch of some sweet song would break from tuneful lips, brief,

spirited, melodious as a bobolink's, dashing upward from the

clover-heads. And before the mighty shadow lying gloomily on the great

prairie plain, which stretched eastward for a thousand miles, had grown

to darkness, the active, happy workers had given to the bivouac that

look of designed orderliness which a trained party always give to any

spot they select in which to make a camp or pass a night. An hour

before, there was nothing to distinguish that grove of trees, or the

ground beneath them, from any other spot or hill within the reach of

eye. But now it commanded the landscape; and, had you been trailing

over the vast plain, the bright firelight, the group of men and women

moving to and fro, the picketed horses, the fluttering bits of color

here and there, would have caught your gaze ten miles away; and were you

tired or hungry, or even lonesome, you would have naturally turned your

horse's head toward that camp as toward a cheerful reception and a home;

for wherever is happy human life, to it all lonely life is drawn as by a

magnet.

And this was demonstrated by our experience then and there. For,

scarcely had we done with supper,--and by this time the gloom had grown

to darkness, and the half-light of evening held the landscape,--when out

of the semi-gloom there came a call,--the call of a man hailing a camp.

Indeed, we were not sure he had not hailed several times before we heard

him; for, to tell the truth, we were a very merry crowd, and as light of

heart as if there was not a worry or care in all the world,--at least

for us,--and the smallest spark of a joke exploded us like a battery.

Indeed, so rollicking was our mood that our laughter was nearly

continuous, and it is quite possible that the stranger may have hailed

us more than once without our hearing him. And this was the more likely

because the man's voice was not of the loudest, nor was it positive in

the energy of its appeal.

Indeed, there was a certain feebleness or timidity in the stranger's

hail, as if he was mistrustful that any good fortune could respond to

him, and, hence, deprecated the necessity of the resort. But hear him we

did at last, and he was greeted with a chorus of voices to "Come in!

Come in! You're welcome!" And partly because we had finished our repast,

and partly from courtesy and the natural promptings of gentlefolk to

give a visitor courteous greeting, we all arose and received him

standing. And, certainly, had the kindly act been unusual with us, not

one of our group would have regretted the extra condescension bestowed

upon him at his coming, after he had entered the circle of our

firelight, and we saw the expression of his features.

What a mirror the human face is! Looking into it, how we behold the

soul, the accidents that have befallen it and the disappointments it has

borne! Are not the faces of men as carved tablets on which we read the

records of their lives? The face of childhood is smoothly beautiful,

like a white page on which neither with ink of red or black has any pen

drawn character. But, as the years go on, the pen begins to move and the

fatal tracery to grow,--that tracery which means and tells so much. And

the face of this man,--this waif, so to speak,--this waif that had come

to us from the stretch of the prairie, whose southern line is the

southern gulf; this stranger, who had come so suddenly to the circle of

our light, and so plaintively sought admission to its comfort and its

cheer, was a face which one might read at a glance. Not one in our

circle that did not instantly feel that he embodied some overwhelming

calamity. A look of sadness, of a mild, continuous sorrow, overspread

his face. There was a pitiful expression about the mouth, as if brave

determination had withdrawn its lines from it forever. From his eyes a

certain mistrustfulness looked forth,--not mistrustfulness of others,

but of himself,--as if confidence in his own powers had received an

overwhelming shock. The man's appearance made an instant and

unmistakable impression upon the entire company. The ladies--God bless

their sweet and sympathetic natures!--were profoundly moved at the

pitiful aspect of our guest. Their bosoms thrilled with sympathy for one

upon whose devoted head evil fortune had so evidently emptied its

quiver. Nor were our less sensitive masculine natures untouched by his

forlorn appearance.

"A target for evil fortune," whispered Dick to the major.

"A regular bull's-eye!" was the solemn response. "A bull's-eye, by gad!

at the end of the score."

It was not a poetic expression. I wish the reader to note that I do not

record it as such. I only preserve it as evidence of the major's

humanity, and of the unaffected sympathy for the stranger, which at that

moment filled all hearts.

Naturally, as it can well be imagined, the gayety of our company had

been utterly checked by the coming of our sad guest. In the presence of

such a wreck of human happiness, perhaps of human hope, what person of

any sensibility could maintain a lightsome mood? Had it not been for one

peculiarity,--a peculiarity, I am confident, all of us observed,--the

depression of our spirits would have been as profound as it was

universal. This peculiarity was the stranger's appetite. This,

fortunately, had remained unimpaired,--an oasis in the Sahara of his

life.

"The one remnant left him from the wreck of his fortunes," whispered

Dick.

"A perfect remnant!" returned the major, sententiously.

For myself, acting as host to this appetite, and being naturally of a

philosophic turn, I watched its development with the keenest interest,

not to say with a growing curiosity. "Here is something," I said to

myself, "that is unique. That fine law of recompense which is kindly

distributed through the universe finds here," I reflected, "a most

instructive and conclusive demonstration. Robbed, by an adverse fate, of

all that made life agreeable, this man, this pilgrim of time, this

wayfarer to eternity, this companion of mine on the road of life, has

had bestowed upon him an extraordinary solace, has been permitted to

retain a commensurate satisfaction. Surely, life cannot have lost its

attractions for one whose stomach still preserves such aspirations."

And, prompted by the benevolence of my mood, and the anticipations of a

wise forecast, I collected in front of me whatever edibles remained on

the table, that, if the supply of our hospitality should prove

insufficient, the exhibition of its spirit should at least be

conclusive.

But, if the countenance of the stranger was of a most melancholy cast,

there were not lacking hints that by nature he had been endowed with

vivacity of spirit; for, as he continued, with an industry which was

remarkable, to refresh himself, there were appearances, which came to

the eye and the corners of his mouth, which made the observer conclude

that he was not lacking the sense of humor; and, if his experience had

been most unfortunate, there was in him an ability to appreciate the

ludicrousness of its changeful situations. Indeed, one could but

conclude that originally he must have been of a buoyant, not to say

sanguine disposition; and, if one could but prevail upon him to narrate

the incidents of his life, they would be found to be most entertaining.

It was something like an hour before our melancholy-looking guest had

fully improved the opportunity with which a benignant Providence had

supplied him,--a freak in which, one might conclude, she seldom

indulged. He ceased to eat, and sat for a moment gazing pensively at the

dishes. It seemed to me--but in this I may possibly be mistaken--that a

darker shade of sadness possessed his face at the conclusion than the

one that shadowed it so heavily at the beginning of the repast. "The

pleasures of hope," I said to myself, "are evidently greater to my

species than are those of recollection. Now that there is nothing left

for my guest to anticipate, it is evident that memory ceases to excite."

And I could but feel that, had our provisions been more abundant, the

stranger's appetite would not have been so easily appeased. With

something of regret in my voice, I sought to divert his mind from that

sense of disappointment which I judged from his countenance threatened

to oppress his spirits.

"Friend," I said, "I doubt not that you have trailed a goodly distance,

and your fasting has been long?"

"I have not eaten a meal in two days," was the response.

"Heavens!" exclaimed Dick in an aside to the major. "Is it credible that

that man ate two days ago!"

"Gad!" exclaimed the major, "the man's stomach is nothing but a pocket."

"A pocket! I should call it an unexplored cavern!" retorted Dick.

"The direction and reason of your long trail would be interesting," I

resumed. "And, if not impertinent, friend, may I ask you whence you have

come?"

"I have journeyed from Texas," replied the man, and his voice nearly

broke as he said it.

"_Oh!_" exclaimed the ladies, and they sympathetically grouped

themselves, anticipating, with true feminine sensitiveness, some

terrible dénouement.

"_Texas!_" I ejaculated.

"_Gad!_" said the major.

"The _Devil!_" said Dick.

"Yes, _Texas!_" repeated the man, and he groaned.

By this time, as any intelligent reader will easily divine, our whole

group was in a condition of mild excitement. Several of us had resided

in Texas, and we felt that we stood at the threshold of a history,--a

history with infinite possibilities in it. For myself, I knew not how to

proceed. My position as a host forbade me to interrogate. The sorrows of

life are sacred, and my sensitiveness withheld me from thrusting myself

within the enclosure of my guest's recollections. That his experiences,

could we but be favored with a narration of them, would be

entertaining,--painfully entertaining,--I keenly realized; but how to

proceed I saw not. I remained silent.

"Yes,"--it was the stranger who broke the silence,--"I am a busted

ex-Texan!"

[Illustration: I AM A BUSTED EX-TEXAN.]

The relief that came to me at the instant was indescribable. The path

was made plain. We all felt that we were not only on the threshold of a

history, but of a narration of that history. The ladies fluttered into

position for listening. I could but see it, and so I am bound to record

that I saw Dick irreverently punch the major. It was a punch which

carried with it the significance of an exclamation. The major received

it with the face of a Spartan, but with the grunt of a Chinook chief.

"Friend," I said, "we are accustomed to beguile the evening hours with

entertaining descriptions of travels, often of personal incidents of the

haps and hazards of life; and, if it would not be disagreeable to you,

we would be vastly entertained, beyond doubt, by any narration with

which you might favor us of your Texan experiences and of the fortunes

which befell you there."

For a few moments, the silence remained unbroken, save by the crackle of

the fire and the soft movement in the great firs overhead,--a movement

which is to sound what dawn is to the day; not so much a sound as a

feathery suggestion that sound might come. It was a genial hour, and the

mood of the hour began to be felt in our own. The warmth of it evidently

penetrated the bosom of our guest. He had eaten. He was

filled,--appreciably so at least, and that happy feeling, that

comfortable sense of fulness, which characterizes the after-dinner hour,

pervaded him with its genial glow. He loosened his belt,--another

tremendous nudge from Dick,--and a look of contentment softened his

features. Whatever storm had wrecked his life, he had now passed beyond

its billows, and from the sure haven into which he had been blown he

could gaze with complacent resignation, if not with happiness, at the

dangers through which he had passed. I am sure that we were all

delighted at the brightening appearance of our guest, and felt that, if

the story he was to tell us was one which included disasters, it would

at least be lightened by traces of humor and the calm acceptance of a

philosophic mind.

"I was born in the State of Connecticut," so our guest began his

narration. "I came from a venturesome stock, and the instinct of

commercial enterprise may be regarded as hereditary in my family. My

grandfather was the first one to discover the tropical attributes of the

beech-wood tree. He first perceived that it contained within its fibres

the pungency of the nutmeg. With a celerity which we remember with pride

in our family, he availed himself of the commercial value of his

discovery, and for years did a prosperous trade on the credulity of

mankind. He was a man of humor,--a sense which has been to some extent

transmitted to myself,--he was a man of humor, and I have no doubt he

enjoyed the joke he was practising on people, fully as much as the

profits which the practical embodiment of his humor brought to his

pocket. My father was a deacon, a man of true piety and eminently

respectable. He was engaged in the retail-grocery business,--a business

which offers opportunities to a person of wit and of an inventive turn

of mind. The butter that he sold was salted invariably by one rule--a

rule which he discovered and applied in the cellar of the store himself;

and the sugar which he sold, if it was sanded, was always sanded by a

method which improved rather than detracted from its appearance."

Here our guest paused a moment, as if enjoying the recollections of the

virtues of his ancestors. His face was as sober as ever, but his look

was one of contentment; and I could but note the suggestion of

merriment--the merriment of a happy memory--in his eye. How happy it is

for an offspring to be able to recall the character of his forefathers

with such liveliness of mind!

"The motive which impelled me towards Texas," he resumed, "was one which

was natural for me to feel, thus ancestrally connected. I had heired my

father's business,--the deacon, who had died full of honors, ripe in

years, and in perfect peace. But the business did not prosper in my

hands; perhaps, I had not heired, with the business, the deacon's

ability,--that accuracy of eye, that gravity of appearance, that

deftness of touch, so to speak, which underlay his success. Be that as

it may, the business did not pay, and without hesitation I sold it; and,

with a comfortable sum for investment, I journeyed to Texas.

"It is proper for me to remark that the welcome I received was most

cordial. I chose a populous centre for a temporary residence, and

proceeded to look around me. I found the Texans to be a warm-hearted

people, much given to hospitality, and willing, with a charming

disinterestedness, to admit all new-comers, with capital, to the

enormous profits of their various enterprises.

"For the first time in my life, I found myself among a people who were

successful in everything they undertook. Their profits were simply

enormous. No speculation could possibly fail. However I invested my

money, I was assured that I would speedily become a millionnaire. Cotton

was a certain crop. Corn was never known to fail. The Texan tobacco was

rapidly driving the Cuban out of the market. The aboriginal grapes of

the State, of which there were millions of acres waiting for the

presses, yielded, as Europe confessed, a wine superior to Champagne. If

I preferred herding, all I had to do was to purchase a few sheep and

simply sit down. There was no section of the globe where sheep were so

prolific, fleeces so thick, or the demands of market so clamorous. And,

as for horses, I was assured that no one in Texas who knew the facts of

the case would spend any time in raising them. The prairies were full of

them, hundreds of thousands of them, all blooded stock, 'true

descendants, sir, from the Moorish Barb, distributed through the whole

country at the Spanish invasion.' I need do nothing but purchase fifty

thousand acres, fence the territory in, and the enclosed herds would

continue to propagate indefinitely. Such were the delightful pictures

which my entertainers presented to me. Captivated by the charming

manners of my hosts, my sanguine temperament kindled into heat at the

touch of their enthusiasm. Where every venture was sure of successful

issue, there was no need for deliberation or selection. I invested

indiscriminately in all, and waited buoyantly for the results."

Here the stranger paused, compelled, perhaps, by a slight interruption.

Dick had retired, closely followed by the major. Our guest certainly was

not devoid of humor, and I was convinced, as I watched the play of his

features, that he apprehended and appreciated the reason for their

retirement. He lifted a plate from the table, inspected it closely,

turned it over, gazed contemplatively at its reversed side, and,

poising it deftly upon the point of three fingers, quietly remarked:--

"The gentlemen, I judge, have been in Texas?"

"They have," I replied: "we three were there together."

"Ah!"

It was all he said. I might add, it was all that could be said.

At this point, Dick and the major rejoined us. Their eyes showed traces

of recent tears. They were still wiping their faces with their

handkerchiefs. With that refinement which is characteristic of true

gentlemen, and which seeks concealment of any extraordinary emotion,

they had considerately retired to indulge their laughter.

"I am delighted," continued our guest, after Dick and the major had

resumed their seats, "I am delighted to find myself in company with men

of experience. I feel that you will not question the veracity of my

story, or fail to appreciate the outcome of my enterprises. At the end

of two years, my property was distributed promiscuously throughout the

State, and I was reduced to the necessity of making one final venture to

recoup myself for the losses which, to the astonishment of the entire

Texan community, I assured them I had met. I was the only man, as they

asserted, 'that had ever failed to make a magnificent success in Texas.'

"You can readily conceive, gentlemen, that I was determined to make no

mistake in my final venture. There were other reasons, beside the one of

caution, which persuaded me to begin with a moderate investment; so I

bought one cow. It was impossible for me to make a mistake from such a

beginning. Every person in Texas that had rapidly risen to financial

eminence had started with one cow. Many a time had a Texan ranchman

swept his hand with a royal gesture over a landscape of flowers and

Mesquite brush, dotted with thousands of cattle, and exclaimed,

'Stranger, I started this yer ranch with one cow.' And then he would

take out a piece of chalk and figure out to me on his saddle how that

one cow had multiplied herself into seven thousand five hundred and

twenty-three other cows, which had proceeded to promptly multiply

themselves, 'regular as the seasons come round, sir,' in the same

reckless manner, until it was evident that the number of her progeny was

actually curtailed by the size of the saddle and the lack of chalk. Now,

I was eager to possess a cow with such a multiplication-table

attachment, and, being unable to wait even ten years before I could

tingle with the sensation of being a millionnaire ranchman. I decided to

shorten the probationary stage by half, and so I purchased two cows."

At this point, Dick rolled over upon the grass, and the major was

doubled up as with sudden pain. As for myself, I confess I could not

restrain my emotions. I had been through the same experience as had

fallen to my guest, and I appreciated the sanguine characteristics of

his temperament, which prompted him to the investment, and the humor of

the situation. I laughed till my eyes flowed with tears, and the

stillness of the foot-hills resounded with the unrestrained merriment of

the entire camp.

The humor of our guest was truly American, the humor of suggestive

restraint and exaggeration both. He narrated his experiences, which had

resulted in the loss of his fortune and the collapse of his hopes, with

a face like a deacon's, and with a quaint and most charming sense of the

ludicrousness of the position--a position of which he himself was the

cause and central object. He fairly represented that type of men who

combine in their composition that which is most practical and

imaginative alike; whose energy can subdue a continent, and whose

boastfulness would awaken contempt if it were not palliated by the

magnitude of their achievements. A humor that is often barbed, but which

is most willingly directed against one's self; but, whether directed

against the humorist or his neighbor, carries no poison upon its point

and leaves no wound to rankle.

"My financial condition," said our guest, resuming, "my financial

condition at the time I made this final investment contributed to the

hopefulness of my mood, and made me feel the excitement of a reckless

speculation, for, though my two cows only cost me seventeen dollars and

fifty cents each, nevertheless, when the purchase was concluded, and the

goods delivered, and I had made a careful inventory of my remaining

assets,--a business proceeding which the average Texan found it

necessary to go through about once in two weeks, in order that he might

know what his financial standing was, or whether he had any standing at

all,--when, I say, the purchase was consummated, and an inventory of my

remaining assets made, I discovered that the two cows had swallowed up

nearly my entire estate, and that a few dollars of farther expenditure

would plunge me into bottomless insolvency. I must confess that this

disclosure of my financial condition added zest to the undertaking, and

filled me with that fine excitement which accompanies a desperate

speculation. I have always felt that another cow would have made a

financier of me, and that I could have taken my place among my brethren

in Wall Street without a tremor of the muscles or the least sense of

inferiority.

"The cows were both black in color; so black that they would make a spot

in the darkness of the blackest night that ever gloomed under the

cypresses of the Guadaloupe. 'If those cows,' I said to myself as I

looked them over, 'if those cows ever do bring forth calves at the rate

that the Texan of whom I purchased them figured out on his saddle,

they'll put the whole State under an eclipse.'

"I cannot say,--speaking with that restraint which I have always

cultivated,--I cannot say, ladies and gentlemen, that I regarded either

cow with any great affection. There were peculiarities about them, which

checked the outgoing of my emotional nature. They had a way of looking

at me through the wire fence, that made me feel grateful to the inventor

of barbed wire. I cannot describe the look exactly. It was a direct,

earnest, steady, intense inspection of my person, that made me feel out

of place, as it were, and caused me to remember that I had duties at

home, which required me to get there as rapidly as possible.

"One morning, seeing that the basis of my speculation was near the

centre of the field, and busily feeding on the bountiful growths of

nature, I crept softly through the wires of the fence that I might

gather some pecan nuts under a big tree that stood some twenty rods

away. I reached the tree in safety, and proceeded to pick up the nuts. I

had filled one pocket only when I heard a noise behind me, and, looking

up, I saw that all the profits of my stock speculation, and all my stock

itself, were coming toward me on a jump. I was never more collected in

my life. My mind instantly reached the conclusion that the pecan crop

that year was so large in Texas that it would not pay to pick up another

nut under that tree; that the whole thing should stand over, as it were,

until another fall, and that, the sooner I retired from that field, the

better it would be for me and the few pecans I had about me.

"Acting in harmony with this conclusion,--which to my mind carried with

it the force of a demonstration,--I started for the wire fence. I have

no doubt but that the line of my movement was absolutely straight. I

assure you, gentlemen, that if cows had multiplied in my business

connection as rapidly as they did in my imagination during the next

sixty seconds of time, I should have been in Texas to this day. The

whole field was actually alive with cows. I reached the fence just one

jump ahead of the oldest cow, and, seeing no reason why I should take

time to crawl through between the wires, I lifted myself over the airy

obstruction in a manner that must have convinced that old animated bit

of blackness that I had absolute ownership in every nut about me. This

little episode supplied me with material for reflection for at least a

week, and made me realize that any northern man that enters into a

speculation with Texas cows as a basis must keep his eyes open, and not

allow his thoughts to be diverted by any side issues, like pecan nuts,

while the business is developing.

"The sixth morning after my speculation had arrived at the ranch, my

profits began to roll in upon me,--or, to state it more practically, and

in a business-like manner, the oldest cow produced a calf. This raised

my spirits, and made me feel that my business was fairly started. I went

to my stock-book and promptly made an entry as follows: 7523-1. This

meant that there were only seven thousand five hundred and twenty-_two_

yet to realize on; that is, if seven thousand five hundred and

twenty-two calves should promptly come to time, seeing that one calf had

already actually come to time, my herd would be complete. I think,

gentlemen, you can readily understand my feelings as I stood

contemplating the first fruition of my hopes from behind a tree. The cow

was securely tied, but still from habit I took my usual position when

inspecting my stock. My mood was very hopeful. I felt as every Texan

felt, in those days, when by some accident he found himself in

possession of actual property. 'There is a calf,' I said; 'I've only had

to wait six days for that calf to materialize. Suppose another calf

should materialize in six days.' I extracted a pencil from my pocket and

began to figure. I multiplied that calf by six--I mean that at the end

of six days I multiplied that calf by another calf. Every time I put

down a new multiplier I took a look at the calf, and every time I looked

at the calf it multiplied itself, as it were, until I felt the full

force of the Texan's statement, save that, the more I multiplied, the

more I felt that seven thousand five hundred and twenty-three did not

fairly represent the certainties of the speculation. That cow would

surely make a millionnaire of me yet--if nothing happened.

"But, gentleman, something did happen, and it happened in this wise: You

have doubtless, by this, concluded that the cow was a wild cow. The man

who sold her to me had not put it precisely that way. He had represented

her to me as a cow of mild manners, thoroughly domesticated, of the

sweetest possible temper, used to the women folks, playful with

children,--in short, a creature of such amiability that she actually

longed to be petted. But I had already discovered that her manners were

somewhat abrupt, and that either the man did not understand the nature

of the cow or I did not understand the man. I was convinced that, if she

had ever been domesticated, it had been done by some family every member

of which had died in the process, or had suddenly moved out of the

country only a short distance ahead of her, and that she had utterly

forgotten her early training. Still, I had no doubt but that her

amiability was there, although temporarily somewhat latent, and that the

influences of a gentle spirit would revive the dormant sensibilities of

her nature. 'The sight of a milk-pail,' I said to myself, 'will surely

awaken the reminiscences of her early days, and of that sweet home-life

which was hers when she yielded at morn and at night her glad

contribution to the nourishment of a Christian family.'

"There was on my ranch a servitor of foreign extraction who did my

cooking for what he could eat,--Chin Foo by name,--and to him I called

to bring me the large tin pail, which served the household--which, like

most Texan households in the Tertiary period, so to speak, of their

fortunes, was conducted on economic principles--as a washtub, a

chip-basket, a water-bucket, and a dinner-gong. It also occurred to me,

as I stood looking at the cow and caught the spirit of her expression,

so to speak, that, as she had come to stay, was a permanent fixture of

the establishment, as it were, Chin Foo might as well do the milking

first as last. Moreover, as the Texan from whom I purchased her had

assured me that she was a kind of household pet, the children's friend,

and took to women folks naturally, the case was a very clear one. For,

as Chin Foo had long hair, wore no hat, and dressed in flowing drapery,

the cow, unless she was more of a physiologist than I gave her credit

for, would be in doubt somewhat as to the sex of the Chinaman; and

before she had time to ruminate upon it and reach a dead-sure

conclusion, the milking would be over; and I would have scored the first

point in the game, if she was a cow of ability, had any trumps, and was

up to any tricks, as it were. So I told Chin Foo, as he approached with

the pail in his hand, that the cow was a splendid milker, thoroughly

domesticated, accustomed to Chinamen, and that he might have the honor

of milking her first. I remarked, furthermore, that, as everything

about the place was new to her, and she was a little nervous, I would

gently attract her attention in front, while he proceeded to extract the

delicious fluid. I charged him, in addition, to remember that it was

always the best policy to approach a cow of her temperament in a bold

and indifferent manner, as if he had milked her all his life, and get

down to business at once; and that any hesitation or show of nervousness

on his part would tend to make her more nervous.

"I must say that Chin Foo acted in a highly creditable manner,

considering he was in a strange land, and, to my certain knowledge, had

no money laid by for funeral expenses; for, while I was stirring the

dust and flourishing my stick in a desultory manner in front of the cow,

to divert her mind, and keep her thoughts from wandering backward too

directly, he fluttered boldly up to her, and laid firmly hold of two

teats, with the familiarity of an old acquaintance."

At this point of his narration the stranger paused a moment. There was a

sort of plaintive look on his face, and he gazed at the plates with an

expression in his eyes of sorrowful recollection.

"I cannot say," he resumed, as one who speaks oppressed with a sense of

uncertainty, "exactly what did happen, for I never saw the Chinaman

again until he alighted. I only know that when he came down he was

practically inside the pail, and that he sat in it a moment with a kind

of dreamy eastern look on his face, as if he lived on the isle of Patmos

and had seen a vision. And when he had crawled out of the pail he went

directly into the house, saying, 'The Melican man is dam foolee to try

to milkee that cussee!' or words to that effect.

[Illustration: PRACTICALLY INSIDE THE PAIL.]

"But I did not agree with him. I reflected that the Chinese are only an

imitative race, and wholly lacking in original perception. 'They never

invent anything,' I said; 'never study into causes, never get down to

principles, as it were. It requires a purely occidental intellect to

master the problem before me. This cow has a strong disinclination to be

milked. Why? What is the motive of her conduct? If I could only answer

that!' All at once it came to me,--came like a flash. The reason was

plain. 'This cow is a mother. The maternal instinct in her case is

beautifully developed. Her reasoning faculties less so. She has a calf.

To her mind, we are trying to rob her beloved offspring of its

nourishment. She naturally resents this injustice on our part. Beautiful

development of maternity,' I apostrophized, as I looked at the cow in

the light of this new revelation. 'Thy instincts are those that sweeten

the world, and remind us of the benignity that planned the universe. I

will bring thy calf to thee. I will show thee that I am not devoid of

the spirit of equity; that I am ready to go shares and play fair, as it

were. Thy calf shall take one side of thee. I will take the other, and

thy soul will come forth to me in gratitude!'

"I was delighted. I went directly to the pen, and gazed benevolently at

the calf. The little imp was blacker, if possible, than its mother.

There was that same peculiar look also in its eyes. 'You're all hers!' I

joyfully cried, 'you are your mother's own child!' I seized hold of the

neck-rope. I opened the pen-door and I went out through that door

quicker than a vagrant cat ever got round a corner of a house where a

Scotch terrier boards. The calf went under the cow and I struck her,

head on. But I had come to stay. I grabbed the pail with one hand and a

teat with the other. I tugged it, pulled it, twisted it. Not a drop

could I start. A suction pump of twenty horse-power would have found it

drier than Sahara, and all the while the calf's mouth, on the other

side, was actually running over with milk! In two minutes he looked like

a black watermelon. Then the cow, with a kind of back action,

suddenly reached out one foot, and when I came to I found myself

facing a mulberry tree, with one leg on each side of it.

[Illustration: "AND WHEN I CAME DOWN."]

"By this time I had reached a decision, and I had the courage of my

convictions. I felt it to be my duty to milk that cow. I reminded her in

plain, straightforward language that I was the son of a deacon, and that

she'd find it out before she got through with me. I assured her that I

understood the beauty of righteousness, and that I held a strong hand--a

straight flush, as it were. I was well aware that the metaphor was

somewhat mixed; but it expressed my sentiments and relieved my feelings,

and so I fired it at her point-blank. She snorted and pawed and

bellowed, and swore at me in cow-language, but I didn't care for that.

So I shook the old, battered milk-pail in her face, and told her I was

born in Connecticut, and did business on spot-cash principle; and that

she would know more of the commandments than any cow of her color in

Texas, before we said our long farewell.

"By this time the matter had attracted a good deal of attention, for I

had carried on my conversation with the cow in the voice of a tragedian

when the chief villain of the play has stolen his girl, and my next

neighbor, an old sea-captain from Mattagorda Bay, and his hired men had

come over to assist me. They were of the nature of a reënforcement,

which consisted of the captain, a Mexican, a Michigan man that

stuttered, and two negroes--Napoleon Bonaparte de Neville Smith, and

George Washington Marlborough Johnsing, by name. Hence we were six in

all, and I decided to take the offensive at once. The captain was

advanced in years and rheumatic, but a clearheaded man, used to command,

and had 'boarded,' as he expressed it, 'several of the----crafts in his

own waters.' So I put him in charge of the marines, namely, ourselves,

and told him to fight the ship for all she was worth. He caught on to

the thing at once, and swore he would 'sweep the old black hulk fore

and aft, and send every mother's son to the bottom, or make her strike

her colors.' The vigor of the gallant old gentleman's language, and the

noble manner in which he shook his cane at the old pirate, put us all in

good spirits, and I verily believe that, if he had at that fortunate

moment given the word 'board!' we would, niggers and all, have gone over

the bulwarks of that old cow with a rush.

"The captain's plan of action was proof of his courage, and in harmony

with my own ideas of the matter. He said that our force was ample, every

gun shotted, and the ports open: that we had the windward gauge of her,

and that the proper course was to send a boat in to cut her cable, and,

when she drifted down with the current, we would ware ship, lay up

alongside, grapple, pass lashings aboard, and send the whole crew on to

her deck with a rush. Assaulted in such a man-of-war style, he was

confident she would become confused, be intimidated, and strike her

colors without firing a gun. The brave and sonorous language with which

our commander set forth his plan of assault captured our imaginations,

and we all longed for the moment when the word of command should permit

us to swarm up the sides and over the rail of the old bovine.

"Not only was the general plan thus agreed upon, but each man had his

post of duty assigned to him. When the 'cable was cut,' that is, when

the cow should find herself at liberty and bolt, as she would be sure to

do, the Mexican was to lasso her and hang on; Napoleon Bonaparte de

Neville and George Washington Marlborough were to lay hold of her horns

to 'port and starboard,' as the captain insisted, while the Michigan

man--who was over six feet tall, and leggy--was to fasten with a good

grip on to her tail, that he might serve not only as a 'drag,' as our

commander phrased it, but as a pilot as well, 'if she should get to

yawing or be suddenly taken aback, and be unable to come up into the

wind promptly,' while I was held in reserve to guard against

emergencies. I did not quite like the position assigned to me, and so

intimated to the captain, but he said no one could tell how it might go

when we once got out of the harbor, and, if any of the braces should

part, or the sea get high, that he would have to send an additional man

to the wheel, 'for,' he added, in a whisper, 'God knows, that

long-legged Michigan land-lubber could never keep her to a straight

course if she should once get running with the wind over her quarter,

and everything drawing, through that cornfield.' I saw the force of his

reasoning, and felt easier.

"So, without farther delay, we went into action. The old captain stood,

knife in hand, ready to cut the lariat which held the cow to the tree,

but, before he did so, he hailed, '_All ready to cut cables!_'

"'Fo' de lawd, cap'in!' yelled Napoleon de Neville, 'what is dis yere

nigger gwine to do if de udder nigger lets go?'

"'Go way dar, nigger!' retorted George Washington Marlborough; 'what you

takes dis nigger for if you tinks I's gwine to let go dis ole black

cow?'

"'I'll give a silver dollar to the nigger that holds on the longest,' I

yelled.

"'Well answered, mate,' sang out the old captain. '_All ready to cut

cables. Cut she is!_'

"The cow gave a bellow like the roar of a lion, and made a rush with

lowered horns at the captain. Now, this was not the course laid down on

his chart for her to take; and he and the rest of us were struck all

aback, as he afterwards expressed it; but he met the emergency with

spirit. He broke his big, Spanish-oak stick on the nose of the brute,

and then the old mariner rolled in the dust.

"'Lay aboard of her, men!' shouted the old hero, in a voice like a

fog-horn, flourishing the fragments of his stick. 'Lay aboard of the old

cuss, I say! Cast your grapplings, Greaser! Seize her helm, some of

ye, and throw it hard over to port!'

[Illustration: "LAY ABOARD OF THE OLD CUSS!"]

"These orders were obeyed with alacrity. Not a man flinched. The loop of

the lasso settled over the polished horns to the roots, and Don Juan San

Diego set it tight with a twang. Napoleon Bonaparte and George

Washington rushed headlong upon her and hung to horns and ears; while

the man from Michigan fastened a grip on her lifted tail, as she tore

past him, which straightened him out like a lathe. As to myself, I could

only stand and gaze with solicitude upon the terrific contest, on the

issue of which depended not only the chances of my speculation, but even

the preservation of my self-esteem.

"The combat deepened and enlarged itself, as it were. A bull-dog, who

was wandering along the road in search of adventure, and two foxhounds

joined in the fight. The calf, the only one of the seven thousand five

hundred and twenty-three I was ever destined to behold, broke from its

pen and ran bellowing to its mother. The dogs bayed, the niggers yelled,

the Mexican swore in his delightful tongue; and the stuttering

Michigander remained silent, simply from his inability to pronounce the

profanity of his feelings.

"Suddenly the cow, which had been slowly working her way, with her

several attachments clinging to her, toward the road which ran along the

front of the field, turned and started pell-mell toward the river, which

flowed wide and deep, through the rushes, at the rear of it. She left

the path and took to the corn, and through the mass of growing stalks

she swept like a whirlwind. Onward she came. I anticipated the awful

catastrophe, and stood riveted to the spot. The old captain still sat in

the gravel, where the cow had bowled him, his hand grasping the

shattered cane, and his game leg extended. He too foresaw the

inevitable. Through the corn came the cow, like a black Saturn attended

by her satellites. But her career was too terrific for these to hold to

their connection. The laws of the universe forbade it. Napoleon

Bonaparte de Neville lost his hold as she crashed into the sorghum

patch. George Washington Marlborough tripped over an irrigation ditch,

and soared away at a tangent, like a sputtering remnant of a burnt-out

world. Don Juan San Diego went the wrong side of a mulberry tree, and

the lasso parted with a snap. He never stopped until his momentum

carried him through the slats of the neighboring cow-pen. Only the

long-legged Michigander kept his hold, and he looked like a pair of

extended scissors. I stood aghast at the impending ruin of my hopes,

with my lower jaw dropped. The captain alone retained his presence of

mind. As the black unit of my last Texan speculation shot by him, with

Michigan, elongated like a peninsula, fastened to her tail, he rolled up

to his knees and roared:--

"'_Starboard your helm, boy!_ _Luff her up! Luff her up, for the love

of God, or the colonel is busted!_'

"It is doubtful if the Michigan man ever heard the stentorian call of

the captain, for sound travels only thirteen hundred feet to the second,

and the cow was certainly going considerably faster than that; and,

besides, he was himself engaged, with a terrific earnestness, in a vain

effort to extricate a word out of his throat, which stuck like a wad in

a smutty gun--a word of undoubted Saxon origin and of expressive force,

and which has saved more blood-vessels from bursting than the lancet of

the phlebotomist, for as he streamed past there was left floating upon

the air a long string of d's, thus: d----d----d--d--d--d-d-d...!

"No one who did not hear them could ever conceive of the awful

sputtering, hissing sound that they caused in the atmosphere as they

came out of the mouth of the mad and stuttering Michigander; and as he

and the cow bored a hole through the reeds on the bank of the river,

and, hitting a cypress stump, ricochetted into the water, that fiery

string of d's, still hot and sputtering, reached half across the field.

[Illustration: "LUFF HER UP! LUFF HER UP!"]

"The splash of the two as they struck the water brought the old captain

to his feet, and, in spite of his rheumatic leg, he rushed toward the

river, crying:--

"'_Man overboard! Man overboard! Gone clean over the forechains!

Life-floats to port and starboard!_'

"With such a frightful catastrophe, gentlemen, the remembrance of which

actually makes me nervous, my last speculation in Texas ended. Going

over the whole matter with the captain that evening,--a process which

took us well into the night,--it was our united opinion that the

speculation was a failure. This conviction was mutual and profound. The

cow was not only gone, but she had shown such disinclination to be

domesticated, and such a misapprehension of the true purpose of life,

that the prospect was truly disheartening.

"'Why, damn it, colonel,' said the captain, 'we've no evidence that the

old cow wanted to be milked!'

"To this discouraging conclusion of the captain's I was compelled to

give a sorrowful assent. I recognized that my speculation was in

arrears, as it were, and that it would never figure up a profit.

"Therefore, next day I divided my few personal effects between the

captain and the noble men who had risked their lives for an idea; who

had seen the tragedy played out and the curtain rung down to my last

appearance, as it were. And, with the few dollars which alone remained

of the fortune which I took with me to Texas, I mounted my horse and

started northward, to join that noble army of martyrs, that brotherhood

of sufferers, that fraternity of the busted, whose members are legion,

and who are known as '_Ex-Texans_.'"

The hilarity of the camp that evening under the foot-hills will never be

forgotten by those of us who composed the happy number, and who

listened with streaming eyes and aching sides to the narrative of our

unfortunate guest. He told his story with a directness and simplicity of

narrative, with a gravity of countenance and plaintiveness of voice,

which heightened the humor of the substance. Never did the stars, which

have seen so much of human happiness, which have listened to so much of

the rollicking humor of those who were fashioned for laughter, looked

down upon a jollier camp. Long after our guest had ended his narrative

and was apparently sleeping in happy forgetfulness of his Texas

speculation, succeeding pauses of silence would come roars of laughter.

The remembrance of the humorous tale banished sleep, and, even after

slumber had fallen on us all, fun still held possession of our dreams.

For Dick, starting from sleep in a nightmare of hilarity, roared out:

"_Luff her up, luff her up, or the colonel is busted!_"