THE LAWYER'S OFFICE.
A few days after the events just related, the following scene took place
at Mr. Howard's office in Golden Square.
It was about four in the afternoon, and the lawyer was seated in his
private room, at a table covered with papers, when a clerk entered and
announced that Sir Christopher Blunt and his lady had just arrived.
"His lady with him—eh!" exclaimed the solicitor. "Well—show them in at
once."
And, accordingly, in a few minutes the worthy knight, with Charlotte—or,
we beg her pardon, Lady Blunt—hanging upon his arm, entered the office.
The old gentleman was all smiles—but the quick eye of Mr. Howard
immediately perceived that they were to some extent forced and feigned;
and that beneath his jaunty aspect there was not altogether the inward
contentment, much less the lightsome glee, of a happy bridegroom.
As for Lady Blunt—she was attired in the richest manner, and in all the
colours of the rainbow,—looking far too gaudy to be either genteel or
fashionable.
"My dear Sir Christopher, I am quite charmed to see you" exclaimed Mr.
Howard, rising to welcome his client and the bride. "Your ladyship——"
"Yes—this is my loving and beloved Lady Blunt, Howard," said the knight
pompously: "a delightful creature, I can assure you—and who has vowed to
devote herself to my happiness."
"Come now, you great stupid!" said the lady; "finish your business here,
and let us see about the new carriage. Of all places in the world, I
hate a lawyer's office—ever since I was once summoned to a Court of
Conscience for seventeen shillings and ninepence-halfpenny, and had to
call on the thief of an attorney to get him to take it by instalments of
sixpence a-week. So, you see, I can't a-bear the lawyers. No offence,
sir," she added, turning towards Mr. Howard; "but I always speak my
mind; and I think it's best."
"My dear creature—my sweet love!" ejaculated Sir Christopher, astounded
at this outbreak of petulance on the part of his loving and beloved
wife.
"Pray do not distress yourself, my dear Sir Christopher," said the
lawyer. "We are accustomed to receive sharp rebukes from the ladies
sometimes," he added, with as courteous a smile as he could possibly
manage under the circumstances. "But pray be seated. Will your ladyship
take this chair?"—and he indicated the one nearest to the fire.
Lady Blunt quitted her husband's arm, but made an imperious sign for him
to bring his chair close to hers; and he obeyed her with a submission
which left no doubt in the lawyer's mind as to the empire already
asserted by the bride.
"I am very glad you have called to-day, Sir Christopher," said the
lawyer; "for——"
"He couldn't very well come before, sir," interrupted Lady Blunt;
"because we only came back from the matrimonial trip last night."
Mr. Howard bowed, and was preparing to continue, when the knight
exclaimed, "My dear sir, what _is_ all this to-do about the highwayman
who robbed me of the two thousand pounds? I thought I told you so
particularly that I would rather no steps should be taken in the matter;
and now—the moment I come back to town——"
"Instead of having all our time to ourselves, to gad about cozie
together," again interrupted Lady Blunt, "we are forced to come
bothering here at a lawyer's office."
"The ends of justice must be met, Lady Blunt," said Mr. Howard drily.
"In consequence of particular information which I received, I caused
this Thomas Rainford to be apprehended; and I appeal to Sir Christopher
himself—who has served the high office of Sheriff——"
"And once stood as a candidate for the aldermanic gown of Portsoken,
until I was obliged to cut those City people," added the knight, drawing
himself up.
"And why should you cut the City people?" demanded his wife. "For my
part, I'd sooner see the Lord Mayor's show than Punch and Judy any day;
and that's saying a great deal—for no one _can_ be more fonder of Punch
and Judy than me."
"My dear Charlotte," exclaimed the knight, who now seemed to be sitting
on thorns, "you——"
"Charlotte at home—Lady Blunt in public, Sir Christopher—if _you_
please," interrupted the bride. "But pray let Mr. Howard get to the end
of this business."
"Well, my dear," exclaimed Sir Christopher, "if it annoys you, why
_would_ you come? I assured you how unusual it was for ladies to
accompany their husbands to the office of their solicitors——"
"Oh! I dare say, Sir Christopher!" cried Charlotte. "You don't think
that I'm going to trust you out of my sight, do you now? I'm not quite
such a fool as you take me for. Why, even when we are walking along the
street together, I can see your wicked old eye fixed on the gals——"
"Lady Blunt!" exclaimed the knight, becoming literally purple;
"you—you—you do me an injustice!"
"So much the better. I hope I am wrong—for both of our sakes," returned
her ladyship. "Depend upon it——But, no matter now: let Mr. Howard get on
with his story."
"With your permission, madam, I shall be delighted to do so," said the
lawyer. "I was observing just now that having received particular
information, I caused this scoundrel Thomas Rainford, _alias_ Captain
Sparks, to be apprehended; and on Monday morning, Sir Christopher, you
must attend before the magistrate to give your evidence."
"But who authorised you to proceed in this affair, Mr. Howard?" demanded
the knight.
"What a strange question?" exclaimed the lawyer, evidently unwilling to
give a direct answer to it. "Only reflect for a moment, my dear Sir
Christopher. A robbery is committed—you, your nephew, and myself are
outwitted—laughed at—set at defiance,—and when an opportunity comes in
my way, I very naturally adopt the best measures to punish the rogue."
"Quite proper too, sir," said Lady Blunt. "The idea of any one daring to
laugh at Sir Christopher! I'd scratch the villain's eyes out, if I had
him here. To laugh at Sir Christopher, indeed! Does he look like a man
who is meant to be laughed at?"
Lady Blunt could not have chosen a more unfortunate opportunity to ask
this question; for her husband at that moment presented so ludicrous an
appearance, between his attempts to look pleasant and his fears lest he
already seemed a henpecked old fool in the eyes of his solicitor, that a
man possessing less command over himself than Mr. Howard would have
laughed outright.
But with the utmost gravity in the world, the lawyer assured her
ladyship that nothing could be more preposterous than to laugh at a
gentleman of Sir Christopher Blunt's rank and importance; and he also
declared that in arresting Thomas Rainford, he had merely felt a proper
anxiety to punish one who had dared to ridicule the knight, after having
robbed him.
Lady Blunt was one of those capricious women who will laugh at their
husbands either as a matter of pastime or for the purpose of manifesting
their own independence and predominant sway, but who cannot bear the
idea of any other person taking a similar liberty. She therefore
expressed her joy that Mr. Howard had caused Rainford to be apprehended,
and declared, of her own accord, that Sir Christopher should attend to
give his evidence on the ensuing Monday—"for she would go with him!"
"Well, my dear, since such is your pleasure," observed the knight,
"there is no more to be said upon the subject. I _will_ go, my love; and
I think that when the magistrate hears my evidence, he will feel
convinced that I know pretty well how to aid the operation of the laws,
and that I have not been a Sheriff for nothing. Although sprung from a
humble origin——"
"Oh! pray don't begin that nonsense, Sir Christopher!" exclaimed the
lady; "or I shall faint. It is really quite sickening."
At that moment the door opened somewhat violently; and Mr. Frank Curtis
entered the room.
"Ah! Sir Christopher, my jolly old cock—how are you?" exclaimed that
highly respectable young gentleman, whose face was dreadfully flushed
with drinking, and who smelt so strong of cigars and rum-punch that his
presence instantly produced the most overpowering effect.
"Mr. Curtis!" began the knight, rising from his chair, and drawing
himself up to his full height, "I——"
"Come—it's no use to be grumpy over it, uncle," interrupted Frank.
"Matrimony doesn't seem to agree with you very well, since you're so
soon put out of humour. Ah! my dear Char——my dear aunt, I mean—beg your
pardon—quite a mistake, you know;—but really you look charming this
afternoon."
"Get out with you, do!" cried Lady Blunt, who was somewhat undecided how
to treat Mr. Curtis.
"What! doesn't matrimony agree with you, either, my dear and much
respected aunt?" ejaculated Frank. "Why, I once knew a lady who was in a
galloping consumption—given up, in fact, and the undertaker who lived
over the way had already begun to make her coffin—for he knew he should
have the order for the funeral; when all of a sudden a young chap fell
in love with her, married her, and took her to the south of France—where
I've been, by the bye—and brought her home in six months quite
recovered, and in a fair way to present him with a little one—a pledge
of affection, as it's called."
"Mr. Curtis, I am surprised at you," exclaimed Sir Christopher, in a
pompous and commanding tone;—"to talk in this way before a lady who has
only recently passed through that trying ordeal."
"I'll be bound to say it wasn't so recent as you suppose, old buck,"
cried Frank, staggering against the lawyer's table.
"Sir, Lady Blunt has only been recently—very recently married, as you
are well aware," said the knight sternly. "And now let me tell you, sir,
that the detestable devices schemed by Miss Mordaunt and you have
recoiled upon yourselves——"
"Miss Mordaunt and me!" exclaimed Frank, now unfeignedly surprised:
"why—I never spoke to Miss Mordaunt in my life!"
"The monster!" half screamed Lady Blunt.
"The audacious liar!" vociferated the knight.
"Pretty names—very pretty," said Frank coolly; "but I'm rather tough,
thank God! and so they won't kill me this time. But I can assure you,
uncle, you've got hold of the wrong end of the stick when you say that
me and Miss Mordaunt planned any thing against you. As I once observed
to my friend the Count of St. Omers,—'My lord,' says I.—'What?' asks the
Marquis.—'My Lord Duke,' I repeated, in a firmer tone——"
"Cease this nonsense, Mr. Curtis," interrupted Sir Christopher Blunt
sternly.
"Yes—and let us come along, my dear," said Lady Blunt, rising and taking
her husband's arm. "Your nev-vy does smell so horrid of rum and
cigars——"
"And very good things too," cried Frank; "ain't they, Howard? Me and a
party of young fashionables have been keeping it up a bit to-day at my
lodgings—on the strength of my intended marriage with Mrs. Goldberry,
the rich widow——"
"Your marriage, Frank!" exclaimed Sir Christopher. "What—how—when——"
"Lord bless you, my dear uncle," said Mr. Curtis, swaying himself to and
fro in a very extraordinary manner, "you don't half know what kind of a
fellow I am. While you was away honeymooning and nonsense——"
"Nonsense, indeed!" exclaimed Lady Blunt, indignantly. "Come, Sir
Christopher—it's no good staying here talking to Mr. Imperance."
"Going to Conduit Street—eh, aunt?" said Frank, with a drunken leer.
"But, by-the-bye, you regularly choused me out of five guineas, you
know, aunt—and something else, too——"
"Eh?—what?" said Sir Christopher, turning back. "Mr. Curtis, do you dare
to accuse Lady Blunt——"
"Of having made a very great fool of me, but a much bigger one of you,
old fellow," added Frank; and, snapping his fingers in his uncle's face,
he exclaimed, "I don't care a penny for you, Sir Christopher! In a few
days I shall marry Mrs. Goldberry—you are very welcome to be as happy as
you can with your Abigail there. So remember, we're cuts in future, Sir
Christopher—since you want to come the bumptious over me."
The knight was about to reply; but his better-half drew him hastily away
from the lawyer's office, saying, "Come along, you great stupid! What's
the use of staying to dispute with that feller?"
The door closed behind the "happy couple;" and Mr. Frank Curtis,
throwing himself into the chair which Lady Blunt had just quitted, burst
out into a tremendous fit of laughter.
"You have gone too far, Frank—a great deal too far," said the lawyer,
shaking his head disapprovingly. "Sir Christopher has been a good friend
to you; and although he has committed an egregious error in running off
with that filly, still——"
"What do I care?" interrupted Frank. "I proposed to Mrs. Goldberry
yesterday—and she accepted me, after a good deal of simpering and
blushing, and so on. She's got five thousand a year, and lives in
splendid style in Baker Street. I made her believe that I wasn't quite a
beggar myself: but all's fair in love and war, as my friend the late
Prince of St. Omers used to say in his cups. But what about this fellow
Rainford? and how the deuce did he come to be arrested?"
"I received information of his residence," answered Howard coolly; "and
I gave him into custody accordingly."
"It's very odd," continued Frank, "but I met him last Sunday night; and
I don't mind telling you that we went into the middle of Hyde Park and
had an hour's wrestling together, to see who was the better man. I threw
him nineteen times running, and he threw me seven; then I threw him
three times—and he gave in. So we cried 'quits' for old scores, and I
gave him my word and honour that nothing would ever be done against him
in respect to the little affair of the two thousand pounds. You may
therefore suppose that I'm rather vexed——"
"The officers had already received instructions to apprehend him at the
time your _alleged_ wrestling match came off," said the lawyer; "and
your evidence will be required next Monday morning."
"And I suppose the whole affair of the robbery will come out?" observed
Curtis interrogatively.
"Decidedly so. You must state the exact _truth_—if you can," added Mr.
Howard.
"If I can! Damn it, old fellow, that observation is not quite the
thing—coming from you; and if any body else had uttered it, egad! I'd
send him a hostile message to-morrow morning—as I did to my most valued
friend, the Marquis of Boulogne, when I was in Paris. I'll just tell you
how that was——"
"Not now Frank," interrupted the lawyer; "because I'm very busy. It's
getting on for post time—and I have not a minute to spare. But mind and
be punctual at the Borough police-office on Monday morning at ten."
"Well—if I must, I must," said Curtis. "But, after all, I think it's
rather too bad—for this Sparks, or Rainford, or whatever his name is,
seems a good kind of fellow, after all."
"The law must take its course, Frank," observed the attorney in an
abrupt, dry manner.
Curtis accordingly took his leave, and returned to his lodgings, where
by dint of cold water applied outwardly and soda-water taken inwardly,
he endeavoured to sober himself sufficiently to pay a visit to Mrs.
Goldberry.
For it was literally true that there _was_ such a lady—that she lived in
splendid style in Baker Street—that Frank had proposed to her—and that
he had been accepted;—but we have deemed it necessary to give the reader
these corroborative assurances on our part, inasmuch as the whole tale
would otherwise have appeared nothing more nor less than one of the
innumerable children of Mr. Curtis's fertile imagination.