MR. SHEEPSHANKS.
In a large room, on a first-floor in St. Martin's Lane, some three or
four hundred persons, male and female, were assembled.
At one end of the apartment was a raised platform, in the middle of
which stood a capacious arm-chair behind a desk; and on the said
platform several sleek, oily, comfortable-looking gentlemen, all dressed
in black, and wearing white cravats with no shirt-collars, were grouped
together in conversation.
The body of the room was occupied by chairs for the accommodation of
those who had "front-seat tickets," and forms for those who possessed
"back-seat tickets."
It is a remarkable fact that the votaries of the Established Church
invariably create social distinctions in the very places instituted to
propagate or maintain their creed. Thus every church belonging to the
"Establishment" has its pews for the rich and its pauper-seats; and in
the assembly-rooms of the religious associations the same distinction is
drawn between aristocracy and democracy. And these lines of demarcation
are traced by men practising—or rather pretending to practise—a religion
which proclaims that all are equal in the eyes of God!
Oh! the vile hypocrisy of these canting psalm-singers!
The room to which we have introduced our readers, was well lighted with
wax-candles, and had two cheerful fires blazing away in the grates.
The atmosphere was warm—there were no unpleasant draughts—and the floor
was covered with a thick drugget;—for your religious people are mightily
fond of comfort; and comfort was certainly studied at the offices of the
_South Sea Islands Bible-Circulating Society_.
In the second row of the "front-seat ticket" department, sate Mrs.
Slingsby and the Misses Torrens. The two latter had their veils
carefully drawn over their faces; for Mrs. Slingsby had insisted upon
their accompanying her to this "pious and soul-refreshing
entertainment," as they had not previously stirred out of doors from the
moment they had taken up their abode with her.
At a quarter-past six o'clock, two ushers, bearing white wands, passed
up the room, preceding a short, stout, brandy-faced gentleman, who tried
to look as demure and humble as he could, but who could not, however,
subdue that consciousness of importance which seems to say, "Ah! now I
am causing a sensation!"
And a sensation, too, he produced, sure enough; for the gentlemen began
clapping their hands and stamping on the floor, while the ladies waved
their handkerchiefs as if he were some victorious general who had just
defeated a French army of a hundred thousand men.
Upon reaching the platform, the brandy-faced gentleman shook hands with
the sleek and oily individuals before alluded to; and the "sensation"
became more exciting on the part of the spectators, as if it were a very
clever thing indeed to shake hands in public.
Then the brandy-faced man stepped a few paces back, and pretended to
enter into very earnest conversation with some leading member of the
Committee, while another member moved, in a drawling sing-song tone,
"that their respected President, Mr. Jonathan Pugwash, do take the
chair."
This proposal was received with renewed applause; and the brandy-faced
gentleman (for he it was who delighted in the euphonious name of
Pugwash) started as if quite astonished that such an honour should have
been destined for him. He then proceeded to establish himself in the
large arm-chair before mentioned; and in a voice which sounded as if he
were talking inside a barrel, called upon "their respected friend, the
Reverend Malachi Sawkins, to open the meeting with prayer."
Mr. Sawkins—a very demure-looking man indeed—proceeded to drawl out a
long extempore prayer, in the course of which he led his audience to
infer that heaven favoured that particular Society more than all others;
and when he had concluded, the chairman rose to explain the object of
the extraordinary assembly that evening, although the said object was
already well known to every individual present—aye, and to every soul
who, passing up or down St. Martin's Lane, might choose to stop and
peruse the enormous bills placarded at the entrance.
Mr. Jonathan Pugwash commenced by expressing his thanks for the high
honour done him by selecting him to preside over that meeting—an honour
the more distinguished, inasmuch as it had been perfectly unexpected on
his part. [_This was completely false, it having been settled in
Committee three days previously that he was to preside on this occasion;
but your zealots do not mind a white lie at times._] He was well aware
of his own unworthiness (_Cries of "No! no!"_): yes—he _was_ an unworthy
vessel—but he hoped the Lord would sustain him in the onerous duty
thrust upon him. (_"Amen!" in a hollow, sepulchral tone from the Rev.
Malachi Sawkins._) He thanked the ladies and gentlemen—or he should
rather say his Christian sisters and brethren present, for the kind—the
handsome—the feeling manner in which they had contradicted his expressed
belief of his own unworthiness. (_Cheers, and "Go it, Pugwash!" from a
drunken gentleman in a remote corner of the room._) He need scarcely
inform the highly respectable and influential meeting then and there
assembled, that the object of such assembly on that occasion was to hear
certain accounts of the progress of the good cause, from the lips of a
revered brother (_cheers_) who had just returned (_renewed
cheers_) from a long (_more cheering_)—arduous (_prolonged
cheering_)—and most perilous (_vociferous cheering_)—mission
to the islands of the South Seas (_tremendous cheering,
mingled with "Bravo!" from the drunken gentleman in the remote
corner._) He need scarcely say that he alluded to their
dear—venerated—respected—highly-prized—gifted—talented—persevering
friend, Mr. Sheepshanks! (_Cheers._) With these few observations, he
would introduce Mr. Sheepshanks to the meeting. (_Prolonged cheering._)
The chairman sate down in an awful state of perspiration; but, in
another moment he rose again; for a little door at the back of the
platform had just been opened by one of the ushers—and behold! Joshua
Sheepshanks appeared before the enraptured spectators.
It would be impossible to describe the enthusiasm which now prevailed in
the room. The cheering was tremendous—the waving of the ladies'
handkerchiefs created a perfect gale of chill air—and the drunken
gentleman in the corner shouted so vociferously that one old lady who
sate near him would certainly have fainted (as she subsequently
observed) if another old lady next to her had not happened, "by the
merest accident in the whole world," to have a small flask of cognac in
her muff, and most charitably to place the said flask at her disposal.
Mr. Sheepshanks was a tall, thin, sallow-faced man, with black hair
combed sleekly over his forehead, and sharp, piercing grey eyes, which
seldom settled anywhere—but when they did, it happened (singularly
enough!) that they were sure to fix themselves on the prettiest faces in
the room.
Order being restored, Mr. Sheepshanks rose to address the audience.
Having expressed his gratitude for the truly Christian reception he had
received, he entered upon the subject so dear to all who had the good
cause at heart. He stated that in the year 1823 the Committee of the
Society had determined to send a missionary to some of the South Sea
Islands to pave the way for the effectual carrying out of the objects of
the Association. A sum of five hundred pounds was voted for the purpose;
and he (Mr. Sheepshanks) had offered himself as a willing sacrifice to
the good cause, although, as he perfectly well knew, at the risk of
being roasted and eaten by the savages amongst whom he was to venture.
Understanding that a French ship was to sail for the South Seas, from
Cherbourg, on an exploring expedition, he had repaired to that port, and
had taken a passage in the vessel alluded to. In due time, and after
experiencing tremendous weather, the ship touched at the Cape of Good
Hope, and thence proceeded towards the southern islands. "It was on the
14th of March, 1824," continued Mr. Sheepshanks, "that we anchored off
the beautiful island of Squizzle-o-Koo; and I fell on my knees on the
deck, to return thanks to that Providence which had at length brought me
within sight of the scene of my labours. A refreshing influence came
over me; and my heart leapt, like a porpoise on the wide waters, at the
cheering thought that I was about to render myself useful amongst the
benighted savages so near at hand. A boat was lowered; and the captain,
the third mate, the purser, and myself were rowed ashore. I was provided
with my Bible; the captain and the mate took with them quantities of
looking-glasses, buttons, and toys; and the ungodly purser armed himself
with a bottle of rum."
An awful groan burst from the Rev. Mr. Sawkins, whereat Mr. Pugwash, who
had fallen asleep, woke up.
"Yes—dear Christian friends," exclaimed Mr. Sheepshanks; "a bottle of
rum!"
"And no fool he!" cried the drunken gentleman in the corner.
"Order! order!" vociferated Mr. Pugwash, rubbing his eyes.
At this crisis, a gentleman of foreign appearance, well-dressed, and
adorned with a pair of very fierce moustachios, advanced from the body
of the room towards the platform; but at every three steps he took, he
paused for a few moments to examine Mr. Sheepshanks with strict scrutiny
by the aid of an eye-glass. At first he seemed uncertain relative to
some idea which had entered his head; but the nearer he approached the
platform, and the more closely he examined Mr. Sheepshanks, the fainter
became his doubts and the stronger his suspicions.
At last—just as the missionary was about to resume the history of his
adventures in respect to the island of Squizzle-o-Koo—the foreign
stranger leaped upon the platform, confronted the pious gentleman, and
said in an ironical tone, "How you do, Monsieur Shipshang? me vare much
delight to see you dis vonce again."
Mr. Sheepshanks seemed confounded at the sudden apparition of the
foreign gentleman: but, speedily recovering his self-possession, he
said, "Really, sir, you have the advantage of me. But if you will step
into the private office—behind there—for a short time, I——"
"Oh! yes—you really have de advantage on me, Monsieur Shipshang,"
interrupted the foreigner; "but you no get it again, do you see? How do
Madame Shipshang, and de little Shipshang as was born at my house?"
"This gentleman, sir," said the Reverend Mr. Sawkins, addressing the
foreigner in a tone of awful solemnity, and pointing towards Mr.
Sheepshanks, "is not married and has no children. His life is devoted to
celibacy and good works."
"Good works!" ejaculated the Frenchman: "den vot for he come and swindle
me——"
"Oh!" groaned the Reverend Mr. Sawkins, holding up his hands in horror
at the supposed baseness of the imputation against the most savoury
vessel of the whole Society.
"Oh!" reverberated in a long echoing groan throughout the room; for, as
the reader may suppose, this strange scene had excited a powerful
sensation amongst all present.
"Ah! it all vare well," exclaimed the Frenchman, indignant at the awful
groaning with which his words were received; "but let dis fellow
Shipshang look me in de face, and——"
"Call in a constable!" roared Mr. Pugwash, the chairman.
"Give the Frenchman fair play!" cried several voices.
"Dat is all me do ask of de British public," said the Frenchman.
But while he turned to address those words to the audience, Mr.
Sheepshanks disappeared with remarkable abruptness by the private door
at the back of the platform.
"Where's our reverend brother?" demanded Mr. Pugwash, looking anxiously
around.
"I am afraid he must be taken ill," returned Mr. Sawkins. "I will go and
see."
And this reverend gentleman followed the pious missionary.
The Frenchman then proceeded to acquaint the audience that he kept an
hotel at Cherbourg, where Mr. Sheepshanks arrived at the beginning of
the year 1823; that the reverend gentleman continued to reside with him
for upwards of ten months, spending money as profusely as if he
possessed the purse of Fortunatus; that at the expiration of that period
Mr. Sheepshanks departed, but returned at the end of a month,
accompanied by a lady whom he represented to be his wife, and who
presented him with a pledge of her affection some eleven months
afterwards; that Mr. Sheepshanks and the lady, with the child, continued
to honour the hotel with their presence until the middle of the year
1826, when they suddenly evaporated, leaving behind them a heavy bill
unpaid and a portmanteau full of stones and straw; that business had
brought the Frenchman to London, and curiosity had induced him to enter
that assembly upon reading the placard, wherein the euphonious name of
Sheepshanks prominently figured, at the door.
This narrative produced, as may be supposed, an extraordinary sensation
amongst the saints gathered together on this occasion.
And no wonder! Was it, then, all a fabrication relative to Mr.
Sheepshanks' visit to the South Sea Islands? Had he never proceeded
farther than Cherbourg? were the funds of the Society lavished in
riotous living and on a mistress? was it the better to carry out the
deception that he had pretended to sail in a French ship, instead of an
English one? was he, in a word, an unmitigated impostor? and were all
the members of the Society his dupes?
These opinions seemed to be confirmed, when the Reverend Mr. Sawkins
came back with the astounding intelligence that Mr. Sheepshanks was
nowhere to be found in any part of the Society's offices.
Mrs. Slingsby was overwhelmed with grief, and her two fair companions
with astonishment; and as they rode home in a hackney-coach, the pious
widow never ceased from dilating on the tremendous injury which the
"good cause" would receive from the exposure of the flagrant turpitude
of Mr. Sheepshanks.