MY FEELINGS ON FIRST ENTERING PRISON--TREATMENT AND EMPLOYMENT
BEFORE TRIAL--MY TRIAL AND SENTENCE.
It is impossible to give the faintest idea of my state of mind on
finding myself a prisoner. The circumstances of my arrest, while in the
midst of my arrangements for a long night journey to Scotland, flushed
with success beyond my most sanguine anticipations, and impatient to
accomplish my freedom from a burden which had long oppressed me, and
which had latterly threatened to utterly bear me down, gave an
overwhelming force and severity to the shock. Indeed, the sudden and
undreamt of change in my destination, the sharp and complete extinction
of all my hopes and plans, stunned me for the time, and I felt it must
be a hideous dream. I refused to credit the evidence of my senses: the
detective's touch, which still burnt upon my arm; the words of arrest,
which still rang in my ears; his actual presence by my side--were but
"false creations of the mind." I continued to think, as I walked along
in that strange company, that I must still be on my way to the railway
station; that I saw the glare of the lights, and mingled in the bustle
of the platform, when the dark outline of a London lock-up met my
bewildered eyes. We entered its grim and silent gates, the cell door
was closed behind me, the lock was turned, and I and the reality were
left alone. About that dark cheerless cell, its cold bare walls, its
grated windows, its massive door, there was to me an awful certainty.
In an access of astonishment and grief I threw myself on the solitary
bench, for they had not sought to mock my misery with the presence of a
bed, and as thoughts of my wife and friends came upon me, I covered my
face with my hands and wept. How long that flood of hot and bitter
tears continued I know not, but they partially relieved my almost
bursting head. I arose, and in the darkness paced my prison floor. Even
in these terrible hours hope did not utterly forsake me. The swift
revolution of Fortune's wheel had indeed left me crushed and mangled in
its track, but I was not actually ground to powder. As I became more
familiar with the reality of my situation, I began to take a calmer and
more hopeful view of the future. As morning dawned, I had almost
persuaded myself that I had only to see the manager of the firm who
held the bills, for uttering which I had been arrested, and make
certain explanations and proposals, to regain my liberty. With
impatience, therefore, I awaited the hour, which I knew must come, when
I would be removed from London to Scotland; and when, at last, the
detective who was to accompany me opened my cell door, I almost
welcomed him as a friend. We booked at Euston Square Station for the
place which I intended to have gone to, under such widely different
circumstances, the previous evening. My guardian performed his duty
during this long and painful journey with kindness and consideration,
and did not propose to put handcuffs upon me.
Arrived at our destination, I was marched through the police and
sheriffs office to the common prison, and, to my utter astonishment and
dismay, was prohibited for nine or ten days to have any communication
with my friends. The single ray of hope which had sustained me on my
weary journey, and illumined my darkest hour, was thus pitilessly
excluded, and for the first time since my arrest I began to realise my
true position. When I learnt that my arrest and incarceration in jail
was noticed in all the newspapers, I felt that I was utterly and
hopelessly ruined. No language could describe the anguish I endured as
I thought of my wife and my friends, of the disgrace and humiliation
which I had brought upon them, and of the separation, worse than death
itself, which was in store for us. Yet, strange as it may appear, amid
all the mental torture I then and afterwards endured, I also
experienced a certain sense of relief in my mind from considerations
which would scarcely be expected to operate on one in my situation.
Those only who have been in difficulties in business, who have borne
the ceaseless strain on body and mind which the burden of obligations,
each day rushing forward with ever increasing velocity for liquidation,
entails upon those who are honestly striving to stem the ebbing tide of
fortune, can fully understand how relieved I felt at the thought that I
had no longer any bills to pay. Then a strong sense of indignation
towards my prosecutors mingled with the wild and bitter current of my
thoughts, and prevented me from being overpowered and destroyed. It was
now but too clear to me that I was the victim of a premeditated and
heartless scheme, the successful issue of which was to protect my
creditors from loss indeed, but to involve me in utter ruin.
I saw, with feelings I cannot and dare not utter, and which I now
confess it was sinful in me to cherish, that they had lured me on to
the centre of a great sea of ice; that they had, when their opportunity
came, broken it around me, and left me alone and helpless to struggle
against inevitable doom. Three of the six long weary months during
which I waited for trial were thus passed in a state of agony bordering
on the madness of despair. The hours seemed magnified into days, and
the weeks into years; and, as they dragged their slow length along, my
mental anguish received a new and terrible ally. Although I was as yet
in the eye of the law an innocent man, the miserable allowance of
oatmeal which constituted my chief food, and which was in all respects
inferior to the penal diet of the worst-behaved convict I ever met with
in the English prisons, became loathsome to me, and the pangs of hunger
were added to the mental torture I had till then alone endured. My cup
of misery was surely filled to the brim!
With the recollection of what I suffered then, burnt, as it were, with
a hot iron on my memory, I thank Almighty God that no fiend was ever
permitted, even in my worst and weakest hour, to whisper suicide to my
ear; but I now can understand how some have listened to the fell
deceiver, and welcomed him, as friend and deliverer, to their arms.
Fortunately for me, my early training and subsequent mode of life
preserved me from any thought of this fatal solution to the problem of
my life. I read my bible almost constantly, although my reading seemed
only to add to the bitterness of my regrets and self-reproaches. These
questions would constantly suggest themselves to me: "Could I ever have
been a Christian?" and "What will the enemies of Christianity think and
say about my fall?" Until one day about noon, as I was gazing through
the window of my lonely cell, I saw, or fancied I saw, a solitary star,
and my thoughts were gradually lifted from the cross of suffering to
the throne of Mercy, and (let philosophers and theologians explain it
as they may) instantaneous peace of mind followed the sight, or fancied
sight, of that noon-tide star! The load was removed which threatened to
crush my brain into lunacy, the "salt surf waves of bitterness" were
stilled, and within me there was peace.
The preparations for my approaching trial now occupied the principal
share of my attention. I had already consulted a solicitor, and without
telling him the whole of my case, I learned from him that I could not
be tried at all if the Continental witnesses refused to come to
Scotland. So advised, I began to flatter myself with the belief that my
case would ultimately be abandoned for lack of evidence. I certainly
wished that my late partner would come over and testify to my
partnership with him, which would have cleared my name from dishonour
so far as related to the bills with which we were jointly concerned;
but, knowing there were other bills of a similar character of which he
knew nothing, I thought it would be useless to attempt to clear myself
on one set of bills when I was unable to do so on them all, and I
consented to my friend being instructed by my solicitor to remain at
home. As, of course, it was of the last importance to me that the
witnesses in connection with the other set of bills should also be
absent, my solicitor wrote to them to the same effect. I will here
explain the reasons which induced me at this crisis to adopt a course
which many of my readers, no doubt, will regard as an attempt to defeat
the ends of justice. I did not for a moment desire to justify myself
with regard to the bills in question. To utter bills of exchange for
which no real value has been given is not justifiable, however common
it may be, and to tender such bills in exchange for merchandise, and
dishonour them at maturity, is flagrant dishonesty. Whatever may have
been the amount of my guilt, of the intention to defraud any man I was
as innocent as an unborn child. If I had had any such intention, the
Bankruptcy Court would have been the safe and easy way to gratify it.
Neither in these transactions did I ever suppose that I was offending
the statute law of the country, since by the exercise of the same
caution which enabled, and still enables, other men to tread very
closely upon, but never to overstep, the limits of legality, I too
might have kept myself secure from criminal prosecution. I considered
myself justified, therefore, in availing myself of such means as were
in my power to evade the operation of laws I had never consciously
violated. But in all this I may have been, and probably was, in error;
I have no wish to extenuate or explain away any fault or crime of which
I may have been guilty; I choose, rather, the language of penitence and
confession; and although I may never perhaps be forgiven by society, I
shall cherish the hope of being more mercifully dealt with by Him who
said, with reference to a greater sin than mine, "Go, and sin no more."
Thus the days and weeks passed away, while I still hoped and believed
that no one would appear to witness against me. The prison diet now,
however, began to tell seriously upon me.
In England and America I believe a prisoner is allowed to maintain
himself, under certain restrictions, whilst he is waiting for trial;
but in Scotland he is compelled to subsist on a diet which is
considered the main ingredient in the punishment of the very lowest
class of offenders whose sentences do not exceed a few months'
imprisonment. The sense of punishment involved in this treatment--which
would kill me now--was to some extent forgotten in the greater mental
suffering I then endured, but the pangs of hunger and painful dreams
about food frequently compelled me to think of my health. On making a
complaint to the medical officer of the prison, he told me that as I
was in good health he could only give me the choice of coffee and a
slice of bread in lieu of the oatmeal breakfast; but on seeing the
small quantity of bread I was to be allowed, compared with the bulk of
the oatmeal porridge, I decided on not changing for the worse. I did
not wish to be treated differently from other prisoners, and therefore
did not appeal to any higher authority. Indeed, I then imagined that as
I was stronger and heartier than the majority of my miserable
companions, I could subsist upon a meagre diet as well, if not better,
than they. I now know from experience that I was wrong in this opinion,
and that the man of strong digestion, accustomed to a generous diet, is
likely to sustain more injury to his health by a sudden change to a
very low scale of dietary, than those of weak digestion who have not
been accustomed to any other. The only concession made to me was a
slight addition to the time for exercise in the open-air cribs provided
for that purpose. My legs, accustomed to much exertion, began to get
stiff, and after I had been incarcerated for four or five months, one
of my ankles occasionally pained me. The day fixed for my trial at last
drew nigh, and so confident had I become that I should be liberated
without a trial, that I had my clothes packed and ready to take abroad
with me. I intended to leave the country for ever, and seek a new home
in a distant land, where the prejudices of friends and society would
not debar me from all the channels of honour and usefulness. I was
removed a few days previous to the date fixed for my trial to the
prison in the city where it was appointed to take place, and I then had
my first experience of handcuffs.
At length the eventful morning arrived that I was led to believe would
set me free. I entered the court with a beating heart, and was placed
in the dock between two policemen. I felt ashamed to lift my head or to
look around me, but I had seen as I entered that the space open to the
public was crowded with the better class of citizens. The judges, of
whom there were three, soon appeared and took their seats upon the
bench, and began conversing with each other upon my indictment. One of
them was overheard saying, "It would be a very difficult case to
prove." Meanwhile some consultation was taking place amongst the legal
gentlemen in front of me, when my agent and counsel came and, for the
first time, informed me that my trial might take place without the
continental witnesses, and that supposing I was acquitted I could be
tried again on two of the bills; that already there was a warrant out
against me, and I should be arrested a second time on leaving the dock!
The crown was willing, however, they said, to accept a limited plea of
guilt; that I would be sentenced to only a few months' imprisonment,
not longer perhaps than I would have to endure in suspense, waiting a
second and perhaps a third trial, and that it would be better for me to
tender the plea of guilt the crown was willing to accept!
This advice, so unexpected and so different from what I had formerly
received, given at the very last moment, had the effect of entirely
unhinging my mind, and for the moment I seemed paralysed.
Of this I was conscious, however, that the continuance of suspense,
that most painful of all suffering, combined with the compulsory
oatmeal treatment of remanded Scottish prisoners, would kill me; still
I could not bring myself to utter the words placed in my hands for that
purpose; I waited, and hesitated, and wondered where the jury were, and
why they were giving me so long to consider before going on with the
business of the court. Time seemed to have been given me on purpose to
confuse my mind, for the longer I pondered the more bewildered I
became. At last, like a child who does almost mechanically as his
parents bid it, I read from a paper these words: "I plead guilty to
uttering two bills of exchange, knowing them to be fictitious." The
judge in the centre asked the counsel for the crown if he accepted the
plea, and on getting an answer in the affirmative, he whispered a
second or two with his brother judge, whose son I believe prepared the
case against me, and then pronounced sentence of penal servitude for a
term of years that then seemed eternity to me. I was removed from the
court to the prison, stripped of my clothes, clad in the garb of the
convict, and turned into a cell, there to writhe in tearless agony, and
to indulge in bitter and unavailing regrets.