his daughters had had the sense to summon them,--and Dobble's head was
saved. And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly
look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. “A
terrible fellow that Stubbs,” said they; and so the mess said, the next
day.
I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE--why should I?
And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave
fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM from telling
tales. I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and looked
so fierce, and got such a name for courage in our regiment, that when we
had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was always the man put forward to
support the honor of the corps. The women, you know, adore courage; and
such was my reputation at this time, that I might have had my pick out
of half a dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who
were dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I
had been twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and
I vowed by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon
this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life: IT'S AS EASY TO
GET A RICH WIFE AS A POOR ONE;--the same bait that will hook a fly will
hook a salmon.
JULY.--SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS.
Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog
adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest
chap of all the bold North Bungays. And though I must confess, what was
proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature has NOT endowed me with
a large, or even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man is
very willing to flatter himself to the contrary; and, after a little
time, I got to believe that my killing the dog was an action of
undaunted courage, and that I was as gallant as any of the one hundred
thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military taste--it's only
the brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I
don't like.
I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself--being only militia;
but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow,
and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied
I had made half a hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels; the
umpire in all disputes; and such a crack-shot myself, that fellows were
shy of insulting me. As for Dobble, I took him under my protection; and
he became so attached to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every
day; his father didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good
company--and what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I
WAS good company in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have
remained, but for--what I shall tell the public immediately.
It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North Bungays
were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I need not
describe, and which I wish I had never seen. I might have been a General
now, or, at least, a rich man.
The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, such
a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by
the townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties; many lovely young
ladies did I lead down the pleasant country-dances.
Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I have
described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing that a
girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as
ever. I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom I fixed, whilst at
Portsmouth. I tried more than--several--and it is a singular fact, which
I never have been able to account for, that, successful as I was with
ladies of maturer age, by the young ones I was refused regular.
But “faint heart never won fair lady;” and so I went on, and on, until
I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's daughter,
into such a way, that I really don't think she could have refused me.
Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, and helped me as
much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave fellow.
As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined
to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my
principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn, and
as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple to use his
table. We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS friend; and
so we made a party CARRY, as the French say. Some naval officers were
occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours.
Well--I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my friends;
and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went
on. Each man told stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the
ladies, as officers will, after dinner. Clopper confided to the company
his wish that I should marry his sister, and vowed that he thought me
the best fellow in Christendom.
Ensign Dobble assented to this. “But let Miss Clopper beware,” says he,
“for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how many liaisons
already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women.”
“Indeed!” says Clopper. “Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures.”
“Psha!” said I, modestly, “there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I have
been in love, my dear boy--who has not?--and I have been jilted--who has
not?”
Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE served
me so.
“Tell him about Miss Crutty,” said Dobble. “He! he! Stubbs served THAT
woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM. I'll be sworn.”
“Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. The
fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money--sixty
thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when
who should come down from London but a relation.”
“Well, and did he prevent the match?”
“Prevent it--yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the sense
that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes--ay, and ten thousand pounds
more--if I would have accepted the girl, but I would not.”
“Why, in the name of goodness?”
“Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by marrying
into such a family.”
“Of course not,” said Dobble; “he couldn't, you know. Well, now--tell
him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know.”
“Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has
turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish
bagatelle.”
“Well, but let's have it,” said Clopper--“let's have it. I won't tell my
sister, you know.” And he put his hand to his nose and looked monstrous
wise.
“Nothing of that sort, Clopper--no, no--'pon honor--little Bob Stubbs is
no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that my father has a
small place, merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it
a funny name? Hang it, there's the naval gentleman staring again,”--(I
looked terribly fierce as I returned this officer's stare, and continued
in a loud careless voice). Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived
a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the
neighborhood; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to
the park and petted her. We were both young--and--and--the girl fell in
love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm
advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman, you
have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise.
Just as I finished this sentence. I found myself suddenly taken by the
nose, and a voice shouting out,--
“Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! Take this, sir,--and this,
for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady.”
I turned round as well as I could--for the ruffian had pulled me out
of my chair--and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, who was
occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most ungentlemanly manner,
on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails of my coat. “He is a liar,
gentlemen, and a scoundrel! The bootmaker had detected him in swindling,
and so his niece refused him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from
childhood, and he deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was
richer.”--And then sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar,
in what is called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me
another blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends.
Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN
WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, “If
this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me,
after Captain Waters;” and he flounced out of the room.
I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and
contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopper,
I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to get rid of the
troublesome society of these low blackguards, I determined to gratify
an inclination I had long entertained, and make a little tour. I applied
for leave of absence, and set off THAT VERY NIGHT. I can fancy the
disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as he did, the next
morning to my quarters and finding me GONE. Ha! ha!
After this adventure I became sick of a military life--at least the life
of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable
meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess.
Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it
deserved.--I never once alluded to it in any way, and have since never
spoken a single word to any man in the North Bungays.
AUGUST.--DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS.
See, now, what life is! I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day
to this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and
drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to
buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody will treat me to
one. Why, why was I born to undergo such unmerited misfortunes?
You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, and
that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his
insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains out; NOW
he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of course, I cut the
fellow)--very soon after these painful events another happened, which
ended, too, in a sad disappointment. My dear papa died, and, instead of
leaving five thousand pounds, as I expected at the very least, left only
his estate, which was worth but two. The land and house were left to
me; to mamma and my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand
pounds in the hands of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co.,
which failed within six months after his demise, and paid in five years
about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all my
dear mother and sisters had to live upon.
The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would you
believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only
smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said, “Blessed be God, that
we have still wherewithal to live. There are tens of thousands in this
world, dear children, who would count our poverty riches.” And with this
she kissed my two sisters, who began to blubber, as girls always will
do, and threw their arms round her neck, and then round my neck, until I
was half stifled with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their
tears.
“Dearest mamma,” said I, “I am very glad to see the noble manner in
which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so rich
as to be able to put up with it.” The fact was, I really thought the
old lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of them have--a
thousand pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by thirty pounds a
year, as well she might, for the thirty years of her marriage, there
would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake. But still
I was angry to think that any such paltry concealment had been
practised--concealment too of MY money; so I turned on her pretty
sharply, and continued my speech. “You say, Ma'am, that you are rich,
and that Pump and Aldgate's failure has no effect upon you. I am very
happy to hear you say so, Ma'am--very happy that you ARE rich; and I
should like to know where your property, my father's property, for
you had none of your own,--I should like to know where this money
lies--WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED IT, Ma'am; and, permit me to say, that
when I agreed to board you and my two sisters for eighty pounds a year,
I did not know that you had OTHER resources than those mentioned in my
blessed father's will.”
This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not
because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor
things did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since
calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of them.
Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech.
“What does he mean?” said Lucy to Eliza.
Mamma repeated the question. “My beloved Robert, what concealment are
you talking of?”
“I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am,” says I sternly.
“And do you--what--can you--do you really suppose that I have
concealed--any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?” screams
out mamma. “Robert,” says she--“Bob, my own darling boy--my fondest,
best beloved, now HE is gone” (meaning my late governor--more
tears)--“you don't, you cannot fancy that your own mother, who bore you,
and nursed you, and wept for you, and would give her all to save you
from a moment's harm--you don't suppose that she would che-e-e-eat you!”
And here she gave a louder screech than ever, and flung back on the
sofa; and one of my sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other
went round, and the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I
was left out, thank goodness. I hate such sentimentality.
“CHE-E-E-EAT ME,” says I, mocking her. “What do you mean, then, by
saying you're so rich? Say, have you got money, or have you not?” (And I
rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in here; but I
was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact.)
“So help me heaven,” says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees and
smacking her two hands, “I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the whole
of this wicked world.”
“Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and
to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your daughters are
beggars, Ma'am--BEGGARS?”
“My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a
hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will make
all our fortunes?” says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and
making believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it.
This was TOO cool. “YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am,” says I--“YOU
have got a house? Upon my soul and honor this is the first I ever heard
of it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am,” says I (and it cut her PRETTY
SHARPLY too): “as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND LIVE IN IT. I've
got quite enough to do with my own house, and every penny of my own
income.”
Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud
enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell--kicking and
struggling in a regular fit.
*****
I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls used
to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and stopping with
their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in very solemn to
my study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, “Robert, mamma has paid you our
board up to Michaelmas.”
“She has,” says I; for I always took precious good care to have it in
advance.
“She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day--we'll--we'll go away,
Robert.”
“Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? Very good. She'll want
the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too, for I'm going to
sell the place myself.” And so THAT matter was settled.
*****
On Michaelmas day--and during these two months I hadn't, I do believe,
seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I woke and
found her sobbing over my bed)--on Michaelmas-day morning, Eliza
comes to me and says, “ROBERT, THEY WILL COME AND FETCH US AT SIX THIS
EVENING.” Well, as this was the last day, I went and got the best goose
I could find (I don't think I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty
myself), and had it roasted at three, with a good pudding afterwards;
and a glorious bowl of punch. “Here's a health to you, dear girls,” says
I, “and you, Ma, and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a
morsel, I hope you won't object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff,
you know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago.”
Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche. As I live, Captain
Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, Bates, jumped
out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack Robinson, whipped off
mamma to the carriage: the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake
of the hand; and as mamma was helped in, Mary Waters, who was sitting
inside, flung her arms round her, and then round the girls; and the
Doctor, who acted footman, jumped on the box, and off they went; taking
no more notice of ME than if I'd been a nonentity.
Here's a picture of the whole business:--Mamma and Miss Waters are
sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the
back seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too); and I'm
standing at the garden door, and whistling. That old fool Mary Malowney
is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next day along with the
furniture; and I to get into that precious scrape which I shall mention
next.
SEPTEMBER.--PLUCKING A GOOSE.
After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little land,
I put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse
my solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-places. My
house was now a desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my
dear parent, and her children, left me sad and lonely.
Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple
of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person: for though I
had absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed, after my affair with
Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that
I had better resign)--though I had left the army, I still retained the
rank of Captain; knowing the advantages attendant upon that title in a
watering-place tour.
Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath,
Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard player;
so much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to refuse, at
last, to play with me, knowing how far I was their superior. Fancy my
surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling
one day up the High Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young
man, whom I remembered in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere--no
other, in fact, than Dobble. He, too, was dressed en militaire, with
a frogged coat and spurs; and was walking with a showy-looking,
Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, glittering with chains and rings, with
a green bonnet and a bird-of-Paradise--a lilac shawl, a yellow gown,
pink silk stockings, and light-blue shoes. Three children, and a
handsome footman, were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me,
entered the “Royal Hotel” together.
I was known myself at the “Royal,” and calling one of the waiters,
learned the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the
son of the rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble and Co. of Pall
Mall);--the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American Jew, living
quietly at Leamington with her children, but possessed of an immense
property. There's no use to give one's self out to be an absolute
pauper: so the fact is, that I myself went everywhere with the character
of a man of very large means. My father had died, leaving me immense
sums of money, and landed estates. Ah! I was the gentleman then, the
real gentleman, and everybody was too happy to have me at table.
Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note. He
neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, however,
I met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him, very kindly
seized him by the hand, and swore I was--as really was the case--charmed
to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the
creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I gave him a frown, and
said--
“What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure
with the butcher's daughters--ha?”
Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, “Oh! ah! yes! It is--yes!
it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs.”
“An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so
much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty
of begging his friend to introduce him.”
Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly
presented to Mrs. Manasseh. The lady was as gracious as possible; and
when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said “she hoped Captain
Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where she expected
a few friends.” Everybody, you see, knows everybody at Leamington; and
I, for my part, was well known as a retired officer of the army, who,
on his father's death, had come into seven thousand a year. Dobble's
arrival had been subsequent to mine; but putting up as he did at the
“Royal Hotel,” and dining at the ordinary there with the widow, he had
made her acquaintance before I had. I saw, however, that if I allowed
him to talk about me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all
my hopes and pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short
with him. As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble
was for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him and said, “Mr. Dobble, I
saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, forsooth, I
did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth. Now look you, Dobble, I
am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you--and you know it. You are
a very different man to deal with from Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this
time.”
Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I knew
Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never was any
harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to stick to it
afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered and
looked red, and then declared he never had the slightest intention of
passing me by; so we became friends, and his mouth was stopped.
He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very capacious
heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally
smitten with her. “Look at that Mrs. Manasseh,” said a gentleman (it
was droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at dinner by me. “She is old,
and ugly, and yet, because she has money, all the men are flinging
themselves at her.”
“She has money, has she?”
“Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children.
I know it FOR A FACT,” said the strange gentleman. “I am in the law,
and we of our faith, you know, know pretty well what the great families
amongst us are worth.”
“Who was Mr. Manasseh?” said I.
“A man of enormous wealth--a tobacco-merchant--West Indies; a fellow of
no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a woman that is
not much better than she should be. My dear sir,” whispered he, “she
is always in love. Now it is with that Captain Dobble; last week it was
somebody else--and it may be you next week, if--ha! ha! ha!--you are
disposed to enter the lists. I wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman
with twice her money.”
What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not, provided
she was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this
gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a
story, I made the widow appear SO bad, that the poor fellow was quite
frightened, and fairly quitted the field. Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did
not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh had MURDERED her last husband.