MEMORIES OF THE PAST.
"And the hours of darkness and the days of gloom,
That shadow and shut out joys are come;
And there's a mist on the laughing sea,
And the flowers and leaves are nought to me;
And on my brow are furrows left,
And my lip of ease and smile is reft;
And the time of gray hairs and trembling limbs,
And the time when sorrow the bright eye dims,
And the time when death seems nought to fear,
So sad is life,--is here, is here!"
MARY ANNE BROWN.
Amy passed a restless night, and awoke oppressed in spirit. It was yet
early, but she arose and dressed hastily, determined on seeking the
fresh air, hoping that, that, would in a measure restore her drooping
spirits.
It was a bright, clear morning, and Amy felt some of its brightness
creep over her as she picked her way across the hard, uneven ground
towards the wood. Here the trees glistened with the frost, and birds
chirped among the bare boughs, or hopped fearlessly about the path. She
walked on heedlessly, striking deeper into the wood, and approached,
almost before she was aware of it, Goody Grey's cottage. How bleak and
desolate it looked now the branches of the tall trees stripped of their
green foliage waved over it; while the dim, uncertain shadows streamed
through them palely, and the wind whistled and moaned mournfully as it
rushed past the spot where Amy stood deliberating whether she should
continue her walk or not. A moment decided her on knocking lightly at
the door, but receiving no reply, she lifted the latch and entered.
Goody Grey was seated in the high-backed arm chair, but no song issued
from her lips; they were compressed together with some strong inward
emotion, and she either did not see, or took no notice of Amy's
entrance. The ivory box stood open on the table beside her, while in
her hand she held some glittering object, seemingly a child's coral. On
this Goody Grey's eyes were fixed with an expression of intense emotion.
She clasped it in her hands, pressing it to her lips and bosom, while
groans and sobs shook her frame, choking the words that now and then
rose to her lips, and she seemed to Amy's pitying eyes to be suffering
uncontrollable agony. How lovingly sometimes, in the midst of her
anguish, she gazed at the toy! How she fondled and caressed it; rocking
her body backwards and forwards in the extremity of her emotion. Amy
stood quietly in the doorway, not venturing to speak, although she
longed to utter the compassionate words that filled her heart. At
length, feeling that under the present circumstances her visit would
only be considered an intrusion, and could scarcely be a time to offer
or attempt consolation, she turned to go. As she did so, the skirt of
her dress became entangled in a chair close by, and overturned it. The
noise roused Goody Grey; she hastily thrust the trinket into her bosom,
and started up.
"Who are you?" she exclaimed fiercely. "What do you here? How dare you
come?"
"I did not mean to disturb you," replied Amy, somewhat alarmed at her
voice and manner.
Goody Grey paid no heed to her words, but walked up and down the small
room with hasty steps, her excitement increasing every moment, while her
features became convulsed with passion; some of her hair escaped from
under her cap, and floated in long, loose locks down her shoulders,
while her eyes looked so bright and piercing that Amy shrank within
herself as the old woman approached her, and exclaimed passionately--
"Do you think it possible a woman could die with a lie on her lips, and
revenge at her heart? with no repentance!--no remorse!--no pity for one
breaking heart!--no thought of an hereafter!--no hope of heaven! Do you
think it possible a woman could die so?"
"No. It is not possible," replied Amy; striving to speak calmly, "no
woman could die so."
"True,--true; she was no woman, but a fiend! a very devil in her hate
and revenge!"
"Ah, speak not so," replied Amy, as the first startling effect of her
words and wild looks had passed away. "Say not such dreadful words. If
any woman could have lived and died as you say, she deserves your pity,
not your condemnation."
"Pity! she'll have none from me. I hated her! she wrecked my happiness
when I was a young girl, and for what? but to gratify her insane
jealousy. Do you see this?" said she, taking off her cap, and shaking
down the thick masses of almost snow-white hair; "it was once golden,
and as fair as yours, but a few short months of--of agony changed it to
what you see, and drove me mad; _she_ worked the wreck; _she_ caused
the--the madness, and gloried in it. And yet you wonder that I condemn
her?"
Her hair was the silvered hair of an old woman, and as it fell from its
concealment down her shoulders almost to her feet, throwing a pale,
softened, mournful shadow over her excited features, Amy was struck with
the beauty of her face; she must once have been very beautiful; while
her face, lighted up as it now was, was not the face of an aged woman.
No; it must have been, as she herself said, a sudden, severe sorrow
years ago that had helped to change that once luxuriant golden hair to
grey. Her figure, as she stood confronting Amy, was slight, and by no
means ungraceful; that also bore no trace of age, and although she
generally walked with the aid of a thick staff, it was more to steady
the weakness of her steps than to support the tottering, uncertain ones
of old age.
Who? and what had caused such a wreck? It must have been some terrible
blow to have sent her mad in her youth, and to have left her even now,
at times--whenever the dark remembrance of it swept over her--hardly
sane in more mature age. Would the divulging of the secret remove the
sad weight from her heart, or quiet the agony of her thoughts? It might
in a measure do so, but Amy shrank from sustaining alone the frenzy that
might ensue, and as Goody Grey repeated her last question of "Do you
wonder that I condemn her?" Amy, with the view of soothing her, replied
gently--
"She may have lived hardened in sin, but through the dark shadows
remorse must have swept at times, and stung her deeply. Besides, her
life and death were most wretched, and deserve your pity more than
anger."
"Had she known remorse, she never could have died so revengefully. I
don't believe she ever felt its sting, and as for pity, she would have
scorned it!" and Goody Grey laughed a wild, bitter laugh at the thought.
"Did she injure you so very deeply?"
"How dare you ask me that question? Are not you afraid to? Don't you
know it stirs up all my worst passions within me, and sends me mad,
--mad do I say? No, no, I am not mad now; I was once, but that, like
the rest, is past--past for ever!" and her voice changed suddenly from
its fierceness to an almost mournful sadness.
"Did you know her well?" Amy ventured to ask, notwithstanding the rebuff
her last question had met with.
"Aye, did I; too well--too well! Would to God I had never seen her, it
would have been better had I died first: but I live, if such a life as
mine can be called living. And _she_ is dead and I haven't forgiven her;
never will; unless," said she, correcting herself, "unless--oh God! I
dare not think of _that_; does it not bring sorrow--deep, intense,
despairing sorrow, sorrow that scorches my brain?" and either exhausted
with her fierce excitement, or overwhelmed with the recollection of the
cause of her grief, she sank down in a chair, and covering her face with
her hands, moaned and rocked herself about afresh.
For the moment Amy felt half inclined to leave her--her strange words
and wild manner had so unnerved her--but a glance at the
sorrow-stricken face, as it was suddenly lifted away from the hands that
had screened it, decided her upon remaining for at least a few minutes
longer. Perhaps the compassionate feeling at her heart had something to
do with the decision, or it might be she hoped to say a few words of
comfort to the sorrowing creature so relentless in her bitter feelings
towards one who had evidently been remorseless in her revenge, and
unforgiving even in her death; one who had injured her, if not
irreparably, at least deeply and lastingly.
As Amy stood deliberating how best to shape her words so as not to
irritate her afresh, Goody Grey spoke, and her voice was no longer
fierce or passionate, but mournfully sad.
"I am lonely," she said, "very lonely. There are days when the thoughts
of my heart drive me wild, and are more than I can bear; there are days
when I feel as if death would be welcome, were it not for one hope, one
craving wish. Will this hope, this wish, ever be realised? Shall I ever
be any other than a broken-hearted, despairing woman?"
"The clouds may clear--sunshine may burst forth when least expected."
"May! That's what I repeat to myself day and night--day and night. The
two words, '_Hope on_,' are ever beating to and fro in my brain, like
the tickings of that clock, and sometimes I persuade myself that the
time-piece says, '_Hope on, hope on_.' But only the years roll on--the
hope is never realised; and soon my heart will whisper, and the clock
will tick, '_no hope, no hope_.'"
"Do you never earnestly pray that God will lighten the heavy load that
weighs on your spirits or that He will bring comfort to your sorrowing
heart?"
"Do I ever cease to pray; or is there not one fervent prayer always on
my lips and heart? Day after day I bewail my sins, and ask God's
forgiveness and mercy for my poor, broken, contrite heart, and sometimes
I rise from my knees, feeling at peace with--with even _her_. But then
wild thoughts come back; thoughts that utterly distract me, and which I
can neither control nor prevent, and then I go mad, and don't know what
I say or think. But enough of my sufferings. You can neither heal nor
cure them; even now you have seen too much, and betrayed me into saying
more than I ought. Tell me what led you to my cottage so early?"
"I could not sleep last night," replied Amy, "and so strolled out,
thinking the air would revive me."
"It is strange you could not sleep," replied Goody Grey, speaking as she
usually did to strangers, in a half solemn, impressive manner. "You who
have health, youth, and innocence to help you. I seldom sleep, but then
I am old and careworn. Why could you not sleep?" and she looked as
though she would pierce the inmost recesses of Amy's heart.
"I can scarcely tell you why, perhaps my fancy misled me; but whatever
the cause, I would rather not speak of it."
"Well perhaps it were best so, and better still if the parent bird
looked after her young, when the kite may find its way to her nest."
Amy looked up quickly.
"I scarcely understand your words," she replied, "or I am at a loss to
understand their meaning."
"I meant you no harm, 'twas for your good I spoke. Others have thought
like you and been deceived. Others have hoped like you, and been
deceived. Others have been as loving and true as you _may be_, and been
deceived. When you think yourself the safest, then remember my words,
'when you think that you stand, take heed lest you fall.'"
There was a tone of kindness lurking beneath her words, so that Amy
regretted she had spoken so hastily, and felt half inclined to tell her
so, when Goody Grey again spoke.
"Who is that tall, dark, fine-looking man; a Linchmore in his walk, and
perhaps his manner and proud bearing, but there the resemblance ceases;
the expression of the face is different, the eye has no cunning in it,
but looks at you steadily, without fear? He is brave and noble-looking.
Who is he?"
"I think you must mean Mr. Vavasour," replied Amy.
"Vavasour," repeated Goody Grey, thoughtfully, "the name is strange to
me, yet--stay--a dim recollection floats across my brain that I have
heard the name before; but my memory fails me sadly at times, and my
thoughts grow confused as I strive to catch the thread of some
long-forgotten, long-buried vision of the past. Well, perhaps it is best
so. Life is but a span, and I am weary of it--very weary."
"We are all at times desponding," said Amy; "even I feel so sometimes at
the Hall, and there you know the house is filled with visitors, and is
one continued round of gaiety."
"Yes," said Goody Grey, as if speaking to herself. "Amidst the gayest
scenes the heart is often the saddest. But," continued she, addressing
Amy, "your sweet face looks as though no harsh wind had ever blown
across it; may it be long before a cold word or look mars its sunshine.
But there is a young girl at the Hall; one amongst the many visiting
there who has a proud look that will work her no good. I have warned
her, for I can trace her destiny clearly. But she has a spirit; a
revengeful spirit, that will never bend till it breaks. She scorned my
warning and thought me mad; yet evil will overtake her, and that, too,
when least she expects it. Have nothing to do with her. Avoid her. Trust
her not. And now go you away, and let the events of this morning be
buried in your heart. I would not that all should know Goody Grey, as
you know her; think of the old woman with pity; not with doubt and
suspicion."
"I will. I do think of you with pity," replied Amy. "How can I do
otherwise when I have seen the anguish of your heart."
"Hush! recall not thoughts that have passed almost as quickly as they
came. And now farewell, I am tired and would be alone."
As Amy came in sight of the Hall on her way home, she met Mr. Vavasour.
"Where have you been to so early?" said he; "I have watched you more
than an hour ago cross the park and make for the wood, but there I lost
sight of you, and have been wandering about ever since in the vain hope
of finding you. Where have you been?"
But Amy was in no mood for being questioned. She felt almost vexed at
it, and answered crossly--
"I should have thought Mr. Vavasour might have found something better to
do than to dog my footsteps. I had no idea my conduct was viewed with
suspicion."
"You are mistaken, Miss Neville, if you think I view any conduct of
yours with suspicion; such an unworthy thought never entered my head. If
I have unwittingly offended, allow me to apologise for that and my
unpardonable curiosity which has led me into this scrape."
"Where no offence is meant, no apology is required," said Amy, coldly.
"It would have been better had Mr. Vavasour remained at home instead of
venturing abroad to play the spy!"
"You compare me Miss Neville, to one of the most despicable of mankind,
when I am far from deserving of the epithet."
"We judge men by their actions not by their words. I have yet to learn
that Mr. Vavasour did not enact the spy, when both his actions and his
words condemn him."
"Be it so," replied Robert Vavasour, almost as coldly as she had spoken.
"But I would fain Miss Neville had conceived a different opinion of me."
Amy made no reply, and in silence they reached the house; his manner
being kind, almost tender, as he bid her farewell.