"Fried, mudsill! with plenty of ham-fat!"
He et very ravenus. Poor feller! He had lived on odds and
ends for several days, eatin' crackers that had bin turned
over by revelers in the bread tray at the bar.
He got full at last, and his hart softened a little to'ards
me. "After all," he sed, "you have sum people at the North
who air not wholly loathsum beasts?"
"Well, yes," I sed, "we hav' now and then a man among us who
isn't a cold-bluded scoundril. Young man," I mildly but
gravely sed, "this crooil war is over, and you're lickt! It's
rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square, lively
fite, and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States
of America. You fit splendid, but we was too many for you.
Then make the best of it, & let us all give in and put the
Republic on a firmer basis nor ever.
"I don't gloat over your misfortuns, my young fren'. Fur from
it. I'm a old man now, & my hart is softer nor it once was.
You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin' very like
tears. I'm thinkin' of the sea of good rich Blud that has
been spilt on both sides in this dredful war! I'm thinkin' of
our widders and orfuns North, and of your'n in the South. I
kin cry for both. B'leeve me, my young fren', I kin place my
old hands tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Virginny maid
whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral
bullet, and say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble
sinner like me kin say anythin', God be good to you, my poor
dear, my poor dear."
I riz up to go, & takin' my young Southern fren' kindly by the
hand, I sed, "Yung man, adoo! You Southern fellers is probly
my brothers, tho' you've occasionally had a cussed queer way
of showin' it! It's over now. Let us all line in and make a
country on this continent that shall giv' all Europe the cramp
in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us! Adoo, adoo!"
And as I am through, I likewise say adoo to you, jentle
reader, merely remarkin' that the Star-Spangled Banner is
wavin' round loose agin, and that there don't seem to be
anything the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite
cold.
Artemus Ward.