The stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired in
varis parts of the United States of America large yeller
hanbills, which not only air gems of art in theirselves, but
they troothfully sit forth the attractions of my show--a show,
let me here obsarve, that contains many livin' wild animils,
every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral.
Them hanbills is sculpt in New York.
& I annoolly repair here to git some more on 'um;
&, bein' here, I tho't I'd issoo a Adress to the public on
matters and things.
Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over the
Pacific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo
unimpaired; but I've got to git some new clothes.
Many changes has taken place, even durin' my short absence, &
sum on um is Sollum to contempulate. The house in Varick
street, where I used to Board, is bein' torn down. That
house, which was rendered memoriable by my livin' into it, is
"parsin' away! parsin' away!" But some of the timbers will be
made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at the low
price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin' on
continerly. In the New World it is war--in the Old World
Empires is totterin' & Dysentaries is crumblin'. These canes
is cheap at a dollar.
Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, & he's artist.
He studid in Rome--State of New York.
I'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast as
they're sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty
close, for they're jest as apt to spel a wurd rong as anyhow.
But I have time to look around sum & how do I find things? I
return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, &
what State do I find the country in? Why I don't know what
State I find it in. Suffice it to say, that I do not find it
in the State of New Jersey.
I find sum things that is cheerin', particly the resolve on
the part of the wimin of America to stop wearin' furrin goods.
I never meddle with my wife's things. She may wear muslin
from Greenland's icy mountains, and bombazeen from Injy's
coral strands, if she wants to; but I'm glad to state that
that superior woman has peeled off all her furrin clothes and
jumpt into fabrics of domestic manufactur.
But, says sum folks, if you stop importin' things you stop the
revenoo. That's all right. We can stand it if the Revenoo
can. On the same principle young men should continer to get
drunk on French brandy and to smoke their livers as dry as a
corn-cob with Cuby cigars because 4-sooth if they don't, it
will hurt the Revenoo! This talk 'bout the Revenoo is of the
bosh boshy. One thing is tol'bly certin--if we don't send
gold out of the country we shall have the consolation of
knowing that it is in the country. So I say great credit is
doo the wimin for this patriotic move--and to tell the trooth,
the wimin genrally know what they're bout. Of all the
blessins they're the soothinist. If there'd never bin any
wimin, where would my children be to-day?
But I hope this move will lead to other moves that air just as
much needed, one of which is a genral and therrer curtainment
of expenses all round. The fact is we air gettin' ter'bly
extravgant, and onless we paws in our mad career in less than
two years the Goddess of Liberty will be seen dodgin' into a
Pawn Broker's shop with the other gown done up in a bundle,
even if she don't have to Spout the gold stars in her
head-band. Let us all take hold jintly, and live and dress
centsibly, like our forefathers who know'd moren we do, if
they warnt quite so honest! (Suttle goaketh.)
There air other cheerin' signs for Ameriky. We don't, for
instuns, lack great Gen'rals, and we certinly don't brave
sojers--but there's one thing I wish we did lack, and that is
our present Congress.
I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a
ten-hoss power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such
another pack of poppycock gabblers as the present Congress of
the United States of America would be able to find--find among
their constituents.
Gentleman of the Senit & of the House, you've sot there and
draw'd your pay and made summer-complaint speeches long enuff.
The country at large, incloodin' the undersined, is disgusted
with you. Why don't you show us a statesman--sumbody who can
make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart right under the
great Public weskit? Why don't you show us a statesman who
can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in the Emergency's
head?
Congress, you won't do. Go home, you mizzerable devils--go
home!
At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other
day I delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay. I admit that Henry is
dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live statesman
in our National Congress, let us by all means have a first-
class corpse.
Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the house
I once boarded in is essenshall to their happiness, should not
delay about sendin' the money right on for one.
My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah, led
my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I had
bid adoo to earthly things and was a angel playin' on a golden
harp. Hents my rival home was on expected.
It was 11, P.M., when I reached my homestid and knockt a
healthy knock on the door thereof.
A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber winder.
(It was my Betsy's nightcap.) And a voice said:
"Who is it?"
"It is a Man!" I answered, in a gruff vois.
"I don't b'lieve it!" she sed.
"Then come down and search me," I replied.
Then resumin' my nat'ral voice, I said, "It is your own A. W.,
Betsy! Sweet lady, wake! Ever of thou!"
"Oh," she said, "it's you, is it? I thought I smelt
something."
But the old girl was glad to see me.
In the mornin' I found that my family were entertainin' a
artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin' some startlin
water-falls and mountains, and I morin suspected he had a
hankerin' for my oldest dauter.
"Mr. Skimmerhorn, father," sed my dauter.
"Glad to see you, Sir!" I replied in a hospittle vois--"Glad
to see you."
"He is an artist, father," sed my child.
"A whichist?"
"An artist. A painter."
"And glazier," I askt. "Air you a painter and glazier, sir?"
My dauter and wife was mad, but I couldn't help it; I felt in
a comikil mood.
"It is a wonder to me, Sir," sed the artist, "considerin what
a widespread reputation you have, that some of our Eastern
managers don't secure you."
"It's a wonder to me," said I to my wife, "that somebody don't
secure him with a chain."
After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends.
The editor of the "Bugle" greeted me cordyully, and showed me
the follerin' article he'd just written about the paper on the
other side of the street:
"We have recently put up in our office an entirely new sink,
of unique construction--with two holes through which the
soiled water may pass to the new bucket underneath. What will
the hell-hounds of "The Advertiser" say to this! We shall
continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly
increasing business may warrant. Wonder whether a certain
editor's wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on
this community for a gold one?"
"That," says the Editor, "hits him whar he lives. That will
close him up as bad as it did when I wrote an article
ridicooling his sister, who's got a cock-eye."
A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who says
he'll be Dam if he goes to the war. He was settin' on a
barrel, and was indeed a Loathsum objeck.
Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good old
man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was ruther lengthy.
The Editor of the "Bugle," who was with me, sed that prayer
would make fifteen squares, solid nonparil.
I don't think of nothin' more to write about. So, "B'leeve me
if all those endearing young charms," &c., &c.
A. Ward.