Prof. Crane, The Phrenologist
After supper Ben and his young charge took their seats in the main
salon. The passengers were grouped about the tables, many of them
reading the New York evening papers. Among them Ben observed
a tall man, wearing a full beard, and attired in a suit of rather rusty
black, who presently sat down beside him. From his appearance Ben
fancied that he might be a clergyman or a missionary.
"My young friend," said the stranger at length, "are you traveling to
Boston?"
"Yes, sir."
"Ahem! Do you live in Boston?"
"No, sir; I live in Milltown, a manufacturing town."
"Did you ever have your head examined?"
Ben stared at the questioner in surprise.
"What should I have my head examined for?" he asked.
"I see you don't understand me," said the gentlemen of clerical
appearance. "I am a phrenologist."
"Oh, yes, I understand," said Ben.
"I lecture on phrenology and examine heads, describing the
character and prominent traits of my subjects on phrenological
principles. For instance, I can readily tell by the help of my
science your leading tendencies, and in what career you would
be most likely to meet with success."
"I would like to know that myself," said Ben, becoming interested.
"My terms for an ordinary examination are twenty-five cents. For
a written description I charge a dollar."
"If I had plenty of money," said Ben, "I wouldn't mind getting a
written description."
"A dollar spent that way may save you hundreds of dollars, nay,
perhaps thousands," said the phrenologist insinuatingly.
Ben shook his head.
"I haven't any money to spare," he said. "I have some money,
but it was given to me to pay traveling expenses."
"Surely you can spare twenty-five cents," said the phrenologist.
"You can remember what I say and write it down yourself
afterward."
"So, I can," said Ben. "I guess I can afford a quarter; but where
can we go?"
"Stay here," said Prof. Crane, for this was his self-chosen
designation. "It will probably bring me other customers."
"I don't know," said Ben, looking about him doubtfully. "I
don't think I should like to have all these people hear about me."
"You need not be afraid. You have a very good heard. Besides,
it is no more public than at my lectures."
"All right then!"
"Move your chair forward a little. There, that is right."
Prof. Crane arose, and assumed the attitude of a speaker.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he commenced, after clearing his
throat.
The gentlemen in the saloon looked up from their newspapers
in some surprise at this unexpected interruption.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am Prof. Crane, the phrenologist. I
trust you will pardon the interruption if I publically examine the
head of this young man, and describe his character as indicated
by his phrenological development."
"Go on," said a stout gentlemen opposite. "It will help to pass
the time."
"Thank you, sir. I trust that what I may say will not only help to
pass the time, but lead you to reflect seriously upon the great
importance of this science, and its claims upon your attention."
All eyes were turned upon Ben, who bore the ordeal very well.
"This lad has an excellent head. All the organs are well balanced,
none being in great excess. His temperament is nervous-sanguine.
Hope predominates with him. He will not be easily discouraged,
but when he has an object in view he will pursue it perseveringly
to the end. He is not quarrelsome, but will not allow himself to be
trodden upon. He has plenty of courage. He is not bashful, but
respectful to his elders and superiors. He is conscientious, and
more likely to do right than wrong. Of course he might yield to
temptation, but it would have to be a powerful one. He has a
fondness for pets, and will be kind to younger children. He will
find no pleasure in ill-treating or tyrannizing over them He has not
much invention, and would make a poor machinist, but is likely
to succeed in general business. He will probably be steady and
reliable, and faithful to the interests of his employer."
This was the substance of Prof. Crane's description of our hero.
Ben listened with satisfaction, feeling that it was a very good
character indeed. He was sorry that some business man could not
hear it, as it might lead him to offer him employment.
When the examination was over, Ben tendered the professor
twenty-five cents in payment.
"Now," said the professor, looking around him, "is there any other
lady or gentleman whose head I can examine, for the small sum of
twenty-five cents? My usual terms are fifty cents, but as I am
traveling, and this is out of office hours, I don't mind reducing the
price for this occasion."
Among those present was a rustic couple, who appeared to be on
a wedding trip. The bridegroom was dressed in a full suit of
blue cloth, the coat being decorated with brass buttons, while the
bride was resplendent in a dress brilliant in color and with large
figures.
"Sally," said the young husband, "I want you to have your head
examined. It only costs a quarter."
"Oh, Jonathan, how can I before all them folks?" said Sally
bashfully. "Suppose he should say something bad about me."
"If he does, I'll bu'st his head," said Jonathan. "He can't say
nothin' but what's good about you, Sally.
"All right, Jonathan, just as you say."
"My wife will have her head examined," said Jonathan, with a
proud glance at his radiant bride.
"Please sit here, madam," said the professor. "Now I will trouble
you to remove your bonnet."
"Don't tumble up my hair," said Sally solicitously.
"That will not be necessary," said Prof. Crane. "This lady has a
very harmonious head."
"What's that?" inquired Sally, in a low voice, of Jonathan, who stood
at her side.
"Something good, I reckon," whispered her husband.
"She has those sweet domestic virtues which fit the possessor to
adorn the family circle and lend a luster to the home."
"How nice he talks!" murmured Sally, in a tone of gratification.
"Yes, Sally, he's smart," said Jonathan, "and can read you like a book."
"This lady has a great taste for music. She would be like to excel as a
musician. Am I right, sir?"
"I guess you are," said Jonathan. "You'd ought to hear her sing in the
choir to hum. She's got a powerful voice, Sally has. She can almost
raise the rafters of the old meetin'-house."
"You see, ladies and gentlemen, that the husband of the lady
confirms what I say of her. Phrenology never errs. A phrenologist
is never mistaken in character. Nature has stamped her impress
upon each one of us, and declares unmistakably what we are."
"Go ahead, professor," said Jonathan impatiently.
"The lady has a taste for strong and decided colors. What is showy
attracts her admiration."
"That's so!" commented Jonathan.
"She has a good deal of firmness, and likes to have her own way; as
most of use do," added the professor. "Still she would yield to
strong persuasion."
It will be unnecessary to go farther in the examination which proved
quite satisfactory to the young couple, and a source of amusement
to the rest of the passengers.
Jonathan next submitted himself to the professor's skill, and was
highly delighted in being told that he was fitted to shine in public life,
and might hereafter become a member of Congress.
"I guess the folks at home will think more of me when they hear that,"
he remarked to Sally. "The professor has given us good characters."
"So he has. Do you think it's all true, Jonathan?"
"Of course it is. It's a wonderful science, Sally. I didn't know I had
so many bumps."
"Nor I. I can't feel 'em myself."
"That's because you're not used to it. It takes the professor to do it."
Other subjects were forthcoming, and the professor cleared three
dollars during the evening. He understood human nature well
enough to flatter all, without absolutely contradicting the science of
which he claimed to be the exponent.