“What good are the figures set down in these railway time-tables?” asked
the sarcastic and angry would-be passenger.
“Why,” explained the genial Irish station-master, “if it weren’t for them
figures we’d have no way of findin’ out how late the trains are.”
* * * * *
Tom Callahan got a job on the section working for a railroad. The
superintendent told him to go along the line looking for washouts.
“And don’t be as long-winded in your next reports as you have been in the
past,” said the superintendent; “just report the condition of the roadbed
as you find it, and don’t use a lot of needless words that are not to the
point. Write like a business letter, not like a love-letter.”
Tom proceeded on his tour of inspection and when he reached the river, he
wrote his report to the superintendent:
“Sir: Where the railroad was, the river is.”
* * * * *
An unfaithful steward had embezzled a large sum of money, and his
employer asked advice from friends as to how he should be dealt with.
“Get rid of him at once,” advised an Englishman. “Keep him on and deduct
the sum from his wages,” said a Scotchman.
“But,” said the landlord, “the sum he has embezzled is far bigger than
his wages.”
“Then raise his wages,” suggested an Irishman.
* * * * *
A Galway man named Pat Carr was met one day by an English tourist, who
said to him:
“What’s your name?”
“Carr,” said Pat.
“Well, well,” said the Englishman, “you’re the first car I ever saw going
without an ass, so you’re a great curiosity to me.”
“Well,” said Pat, “you’re not the first ass I saw going without a car, so
you’re no curiosity to me.”
* * * * *
During some building operations it was necessary for the workmen to walk
across a single plank some distance from the ground. Whenever it came to
Pat’s turn, the foreman noticed that he walked across on all fours. So he
went up to Pat and asked contemptuously:
“What’s the trouble, man? Are you afraid of walking on the plank?”
“No, begorra,” said Pat, “but I’m afraid of walking off it.”
* * * * *
“What do we need for dinner, Bridget?” asked the lady of the house.
“Shure, mum, Oi tripped over th’ cat an’ we nade a complete new set av
dishes.”
* * * * *