A traveler finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a
cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all
went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they
narrowly escaped several collisions.
“What’s the matter?” demanded the passenger. “Why are you driving so
recklessly? I’m in no hurry.”
“Ah, g’wan wid yez,” retorted the cabby. “D’ye think thot I’m goin’ to
put in me whole day drivin’ ye around for two hours? Gitap!”
* * * * *
As Paddy was jogging along one day with his ass and cart to market he was
accosted by a man having a marked Lancashire accent, who, thinking it
would be fun to have a joke at Paddy’s expense, said:
“How much would you charge for driving me all the way to Caherciveen?”
“Begorra, sir,” said Paddy, “I would be only too glad to drive you there,
and a long, long piece farther, for nothing, but I am afraid I can’t
oblige you this time, ’cos I don’t think the harness would fit you.”
* * * * *
An Englishman traveling in Kilkenny, came to a ford and hired a boat to
take him across. The water being more agitated than agreeable to him, he
asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage?
“Niver,” replied Pat; “me brother was drowned here last week, but we
found him the next day.”
* * * * *
“’Ow did yer git that black eye, Pat?”
“Oi slipped an’ fell on me back.”
“But yer face ain’t on yer back.”
“No—naythur was Flannigan.”
* * * * *
Two Irishmen, long enemies, met one day, and one of them said: “What’s
the sinse of two intilligent min goin’ along, year after year, like a
couple of wild cats spittin’ at each other? Here we live in the same
tiniment, and ’tis a burnin’ shame that we do be actin’ like a couple
of boobies. Come along wid yer and shake hands, and we’ll make up and
be friends.” Which they did, and then they went to an adjacent saloon
to cement the friendship with a glass of grog. Both stood at the bar in
silence. One looked at the other and said: “What are you thinkin’ about?”
“O’m thinkin’ the same thing that you are.” “Oh, so ye’re startin’ again,
are you?”
* * * * *
“Mr. Mulligan,” said Dennis, “you must have binifitted by the death of
your mother-in-law, for whom you had shmall affection while she lived.”
“I did.”
“What did she leave you?”
“She left me alone—isn’t that enough?”
“But I understand you’ve been spinding a hundred dollars, if you’ve spint
a cent, to get her out of purgatory.”
“Whisht now, and isn’t it worth it to get her out before I get in.”
* * * * *
“Shure,” said Clancy, as he peeled the paper off a tomato can and threw
it to the goat; “an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we Amer’kans hov. Oi
wint out to this Fort Hamilton th’ other day wid Biddy boi me soide, for
Oi got to thinkin’ thot it wur th’ dooty av ivry citizen to make himself
acquainted wid all thot phwich makes his counthry great. An’ it’s barely
in the grounds we are befoor wan av thim sentries sez, sez he, ‘Who goes
there?’”
“‘Phwere?’ I asks, turnin’ round.
“Who goes there!” he yells wance agin wid a thrifle higher infliction.
“‘Oi asked yez phwere?’ sez Oi wid some slight asper-ritty in me tones.
“Now phwin he yells ‘Who goes there?’ agin it’s mad Oi got. Oi tould him
thot Oi wuz willin’ loike a gintlemon to hilp him wid his quistion, but
thot Oi didn’t see anybody goin’ there or annyphwere, an’ thot Oi thought
Oi wuz bein’ guyed, an’ afther callin’ him a sassenach Oi threatened to
divist his donkey hid av it’s ears, phwich th’ same led to a foight, an’
the foight led me to th’ guard-house. How th’ divil wur Oi to know thot
‘Who goes there?’ means ‘Who are yez?’
“Shure an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we Amer’kans hov.”
* * * * *
Mike and Murphy had hired a boat for the day. All went well till the
afternoon, when, unfortunately, the boat sprang a leak and water rushed
in at a terrible rate. Murphy began bailing as hard as he could; but
looking up a moment or so later, he saw Mike apparently busy over
something else at the other end of the boat.
“Hi, man,” he cried angrily, “what are ye doing?”
“Shure,” said Mike, “I’m boring another hole, bedad, to let the water
out!”
* * * * *