An Irishman came to a doctor complaining that he had noises in his head.
“Oi have them all the time,” he said, “an’ sometimes Oi can hear thim
fifty feet away.”
* * * * *
“Phwat koind av a room would yez loike to hov, sor? Oi can giv’ yez a
back room in the front av th’ house, or a front room in th’ back av
th’ house jist to suit yer inconvaynience; or Oi can giv’ yez number
sixty-six or ninety-nine, jist to suit yer inconvaynience—No. 66 is th’
broidle chamber, but we kape th’ broidle out in th’ shtable.
“Oi can giv’ yez another lovely room in th’ middle av the front av th’
hotel, sor—it’s a lovely place; there do be carpet on th’ floor; air
cushion sofys an’ bir-rds-eye maple chif’niers an’ runnin’ hot an’ cold
wather passin’ th’ door, whoile th’ bath-tubs are always supplied wid
gold fish; th’ room is loighted wid indecent lamps thot are supplied wid
electricity, bur-rnin’ noight an’ day in th’ shtreet, an’ a tooth-brush
in ivery room.”
“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a lady without!”
“Widout phwat; widout phwat?”
“Without here, in the hall, sir.”
“That’s all right; show her up in th’ parlor; Oi’ll be up in a minute.”
“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in room 78, says there’s bedbugs
in his bed!”
“Phwat! Bedbugs in his bed? Go up and ask him if he wants humming bir-ds
in his bed fer a dollar a day?”
“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in room 97 who says the rain came
through the skylight last night and wet him to the skin.”
“Wet him to th’ skin; charge him 25 cents extra fer th’ bath. G’wan out
av here!”
* * * * *
Caller—“Your master’s not at home, eh, Pat?”
Pat—“No, sor; he do be in the ould country these t’ree wakes, sor.”
Caller—“Excuse me, Pat, but how is it when your mistress is on this side
of the water master’s on the other, and vice versa? Is there trouble
between them?”
Pat—“None at all, sor; only they have agrade bechune ’em that they can
live together better when they’re apart.”
* * * * *
The Prisoner—“There goes my hat. Shall I run after it?”
Officer Casey—“Phwat? Run away and never come back again? Not on your
life. You stand here and I’ll run after your hat.”
* * * * *