Yesterday towards evening we went to the Schreckbrücke. The elder
ladies accompanied us as far as the Cascades; there they sat down on
the first bench they found, and we two went on alone. We both seemed
to feel that some serious conversation would take place. At first I
wanted to point out to her various places and tell her the names, but
had scarcely mentioned Schareck when it struck me as so incongruous
with the thoughts nearest our hearts that I grew silent. We could talk
only about our two selves, or else remain silent. And we walked on in
silence for a long time; this silence besides was necessary for me,
and gave me time to conquer that restlessness which seizes us when
we approach a great crisis. I got myself so far under control that I
resolved to speak of my love, with calmness and naturally, as if it
were a known and established fact. Experience had taught me that women
can be attuned to any disposition. Nothing influences the feminine
mind so much as the tone of conversation; and if the man in making a
proposal does it with the air of one who expects the earth to swallow
him as soon as he has uttered the words, that is, in terror and the
consciousness that he is doing something quite unheard of, that terror
and that consciousness communicate themselves very quickly to the
woman. Acting in the opposite way, the proposal loses much of its
impressiveness, but it goes smoother and creates less opposition.
Besides, I had already told her of my love; all I wanted now was to
prevent Aniela from going off at a tangent at the first tender word;
in that case conversation would become impossible. It was necessary to
introduce the subject in order to establish our future relations on a
proper basis. Considering all this, I said in a very quiet voice:--
"You cannot have the slightest idea how deeply you hurt me by that
project of your departure. I know very well that the reasons you
gave were only ostensible, and that I was the cause of that sudden
resolution. In making your plans you forgot only one thing, and that
is what would become of me. That did not enter into your calculation
at all. Believe me, it was not your departure which would have hurt
me, so much as the thought that I count for nothing in your life. You
might say that you meant it for the best and wanted me to forget you.
Do not try that, for the remedy would be worse than you suppose."
Aniela's face in an instant was covered with burning blushes. It was
evident that my words had touched her to the quick. I do not know what
she would have said, on the spur of the moment, had not an accident
diverted her attention. Close to the road, there suddenly appeared one
of those cretins so common about Gastein. He was not a pleasant sight,
with that big head, immense goître, and bestial expression of face. He
had risen so suddenly from amid the tall grasses that Aniela screamed
with terror. While she recovered herself and searched for some
money--I had forgotten my purse--several minutes elapsed. During that
time the impression my words had made upon her had grown less
vivid, and as we resumed our walk she said, in a sad voice, full of
inexpressible sweetness:--
"You have often been unjust to me, but never more so than now. You
think that it costs me nothing, that I have no heart; and yet I am not
a whit happier than you."
Her voice seemed to fail, and my pulses began to beat wildly. It
seemed to me that one more effort and I should force from her a
confession.
"Aniela!" I exclaimed, "for God's sake tell me what you mean!"
"I mean that since I am unhappy, you must allow me to remain honest.
Dear Leon, I beg you to have pity upon me. You do not know how unhappy
I am! I would sacrifice everything except my honesty. Do not ask me to
give up that last plank of salvation,--because it is not right, one is
not allowed to sacrifice that! Oh, Leon, Leon!"
She folded her hands and looked at me with eyes veiled by tears, and
her body trembling like an aspen leaf. I do not know, if I had taken
her into my arms she might have died afterwards from shame and sorrow,
but probably she would not have found the strength to resist. But at
that moment I forgot about my own self and saw only her. I threw at
her feet my senses, my passions, and my egoism. What did it all matter
where she was concerned? The beloved woman that defends herself with
tears, tears that do not flow for the sake of keeping up appearances
but from the depth of her sorrow, is invincible. I took both her
hands, kissed them with reverent love, and said:--
"It will be as you wish; I swear it upon the love I bear you."
We both could not speak for some time. To confess the truth, I felt at
this moment a better and nobler man than I had ever been before. I was
like one who has passed the crisis in a severe illness, is still very
weak and exhausted, but glad of the dawning life before him. Presently
I began to talk to her, quietly and gently, not only as a lover but as
the nearest friend, whose main object is the happiness of the being
that belongs to him.
"You do not want to stray from the right path," I said; "and I will
not lead you astray. You have changed me, and all the sorrows and
sufferings I endure have made a different man of me. Through you I
have come to understand the difference between love and passion. I
cannot promise that I shall cease to love you, for I cannot; I should
lie to you and to myself if I should promise that. I do not say it in
temporary exaltation, but as a man who has looked into his inmost self
and knows what is delusion and what truth. I will love you as if you
were dead,--I will love your soul. Do you agree to that, Aniela dear?
It is a sad love, but angelic. You can accept and return it. I make
my vow of faithfulness this moment, and it is as binding as if it had
been uttered before the altar. I shall never marry another woman; I
shall live for you only, and my soul will be yours. You too will love
me as if I had died. I do not ask for anything else; and you will not
refuse, because there is no sin. You have read Dante? Remember, he too
was married, and he loved Beatrice with the same love I ask from you;
he openly acknowledged the feeling, and the Church holds his poem as
almost a sacred thing. If you have that feeling for me in your heart,
give me your hand, and after that nothing will be able to come between
us or to mar our peace."
Aniela, after a momentary silence, gave me her hand. "I always had
that friendship for you." she said, "and I promise you from my heart
and soul."
I winced at the word "friendship," which is too small for me, and does
not express our feelings. But I did not say anything. "The word 'love'
still frightens her," I said to myself; "she will get accustomed to it
by and by;" and since the thing is essentially the same, it was not
worth while to disturb the peace at which we had arrived through
stormy seas of misunderstandings, troubles, and sorrows. We are both
so tired that the rest is welcome and is worth making some little
sacrifices for.
Besides, it was a mere shadow, that disappeared in the joyful light of
the thought that the dear being belongs to me and is spiritually my
faithful wife. I would have given anything if to a question "Are you
really mine?" she had answered in the affirmative. I would have asked
the question a hundred times a day and never tired of the answer;
but at this moment I did not want to frighten her. I, who can make
allowance for so many things, understand that there are certain words
which, however expressive of the existing state of things they may be,
come with difficulty from a woman's lips,--especially from those of
such a woman as Aniela. Yet every word she said was a confession that
she loves me; and did she not consent that our souls should belong to
each other? What more could I wish for?
When we had gone as far as the Schreckbrücke, we turned back. On the
way we tried to look at our new position, as people look around a new
house and try to make themselves at home in it. This did not come easy
to either of us at first. Even this pleased me, for it seemed to me
that thus bride and bridegroom would feel a few hours after they were
joined in wedlock, while yet they had not had time to grow accustomed
to each other. Nevertheless I spoke a great deal about us both. I
explained to her the holiness and purity of such a union as ours. I
tried to inspire her with trust and confidence. She listened to
me with a bright, serene countenance, and now and then turned her
beautiful eyes towards me. The serenity of the weather corresponded
with the serenity of our souls. The sun had gone down behind the
mountains; and they shone now in their evening dress of purple. I
offered my arm to Aniela, which she accepted, and so we went together
in the soothing stillness of the evening. Suddenly I noticed that her
step had grown uncertain, as if she were afraid of something, and her
face became very white. It lasted only a minute, but her disturbance
was so evident that I got frightened for her, and began to ask what
had frightened her.
At first she did not want to tell me, but when I insisted she
confessed reluctantly that the unfortunate cretin had come into her
mind, and that for an instant she had felt afraid he might suddenly
jump up from the roadside.
"I do not know," she said, "why he should have made such a horrible
impression on me, and feel ashamed to have such silly nerves, but I
would not meet him again for anything in the world."
I soothed and comforted her, saying that nothing could happen to her
while I was by. She still kept looking uneasily at the roadside, but
presently our conversation dispersed the unpleasant impression.
It was dusk when we arrived at the Cascades, but the evening was
exceptionally warm. On the square before Straubinger's a great many
people were listening to some strolling harpists. I do not know why
this solitary mountain pass should have reminded me so strongly of
Italy. It recalled to my memory the evenings on the Pincio, when I
thought how happy I could be had I Aniela at my side. I now felt her
arm resting upon mine, and still more felt her soul close to my own.
And thus, full of sweet peacefulness, we returned home.