_House of Commons, May 8._--"What a day we are having, to be sure!"
said CHAMBERLAIN, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. Things
certainly pretty lively to begin with; just got into Committee on
Home-Rule Bill; CHARLIE (my DARLING) was to have opened Debate with
Amendment on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequently
explained to sympathetic Committee, he was weighed down with feeling
of diffidence. House, touched with this unusual weakness on part
of Member for Deptford, readily accepted volunteered service of
CHAMBERLAIN, who undertook to say a few words on another Amendment
whilst DARLING was recovering.
No diffidence about JOSEPH. As he observed in stormiest epoch of
sitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A cucumber with full allowance
of vinegar and pepper," SQUIRE of MALWOOD added, in one of those
asides with which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well there
was someone at that temperature. Committee, take it all together, in
volcanic mood. Peculiarity of situation, as SAUNDERSON put it, with
some mixing of metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept the
pot a-boiling." Whenever any sign of placidity was visible, JOSEPH
sure to appear on scene, rub someone's hair the wrong way, or stir up
some slumbering lion with long pole.
"Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets, TOBY?" said
PLUNKET. "No, I suppose not; rather personal; recall days before you
went into politics. Confess I always do; been chuckling just now over
idea that here we have the whole thing played out. There's _Mr. Punch_
in person of Mr. G. Up comes a head, GRANDOLPH'S, or someone else's;
down comes the baton in the form of the Closure. Everyone supposes
that Law and Order are established and things will go smoothly, when
suddenly up springs JOEY, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everything
again. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings in
obstruction of Home-Rule Bill."
After dinner SOLICITOR-GENERAL discovered seated on Treasury Bench. A
great thirst for speech from him suddenly afflicted Opposition. Mr.
G. spoke, and JOHN MORLEY moved the Closure, but nothing would satisfy
them save speech from RIGBY. Pauses in conversation were filled by
cries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser than ever, but
still unspeakably wise.
DARLING'S Amendment got rid of with assistance of Closure. GRANDOLPH
rushed in; hotly moved to report progress. Only ten o'clock; two hours
more before Debate adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions,
shouting, and scenes. GRANDOLPH'S motion to Report Progress being
negatived on division. PRINCE ARTHUR moved that Chairman leave the
Chair, division on which just tided Committee over twelve o'clock,
without chance of doing more work.
"I feel twelve years younger," said GRANDOLPH, coming in from last
division. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 Parliament, when we sat
below Gangway there, and bandied about these alternative resolutuions,
me moving to Report Progress; then, when we came back again, WOLFFY,
GORST, or sometimes, to give the boy a turn, PRINCE ARTHUR moved
that Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he came into his
princedom. House of Commons pretty dull these six years back. After
all, it's the same old place, and, if we give our mind to it, we can
have the same old game."
_Business done._--Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill.
_Thursday._--Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliament
elected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, not excluding
Chairman of Committees, strenuously anxious to preserve order. Quiet
enough till CHAMBERLAIN appeared on scene, then followed the ordinary
cool-cucumbery results. TIM HEALY torn with anxiety that JOSEPH should
limit himself strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangular
duel; JOSEPH at corner Bench below Gangway to right of Chair; TIM in
corresponding position opposite; MELLOR in (and out of) Chair; all
three on their feet simultaneously; Committee assisting in general
desire for peace and order by tumultuous shouting. TIM fired furiously
at JOSEPH; JOSEPH answered shot for shot; Chairman pegged away
alternately at both.
[Illustration: HOME RULE ENTERTAINMENT St Stephens
"Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show.]
Then GRANDOLPH, finding temptation irresistible, romped in. "I move,"
he said, "that the words be taken down." Very well; quite so; but
what words? The Chamber was full of words, surging like the waters at
Lodore. Which particular ones would GRANDOLPH like taken down? Turned
out that his desire centred upon almost the only words that had not
been uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for Louth say, 'You
are knocked up.'" So GRANDOLPH solemnly declared, standing at table.
Whilst Irish Members popped up like parched peas on Benches below
Gangway, CHAMBERLAIN took opportunity of looking over his notes, and
Chairman, standing at table, forlornly wrung his hands, TIM HEALY sat
a model of Injured Innocence. As it turned out he, by rare chance,
had not spoken at all. This made clear upon testimony of MACARTNEY
and JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. What TIM felt most acutely was, not being
thus groundlessly charged with disorderly speech, but that GRANDOLPH,
for whom he has a warm respect, should imagine that if he _had_
an observation to offer in the circumstances, it would be one so
frivolously harmless as that cited. To observe to somebody "You
are knocked up," might, with tone of commiseration thrown in, be a
friendly, almost an affectionate, remark. Why the words, if uttered
at all, should be taken down, no one could even guess. TIM sat in
deep dejection, overborne by this unexpected and undeserved contumely.
Parched-pea business on Benches round him became contagious; MELLOR
up and down in the Chair with corresponding motion; SWIFT MACNEILL
shouting something at top of his voice; Ross rising to explain;
JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg actually explaining; MACARTNEY saying
something; TOMMY BOWLES, not to be out of it, moving that somebody
else's words be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in storm,
Chairman adroitly signalled to CHAMBERLAIN, who continued his speech.
Members, generally, gratefully availed themselves of his interposition
to take their breath.
[Illustration: _Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary the
Irish word for "a House of Commons," obliges:--_
In Irish, I will sing it clear,
There's a name for the House which you shall hear.
(_Spoken_) Which is
(_Sings_) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral
Ri-az tolooral ri do!
[_Chorus everybody._]
"Do you know, TOBY, what this reminds me of?" said Earl SPENCER,
looking down on turbulent scene from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me back
to boyhood's days, and what used to happen when, in temporary absence
of head-master, French usher took charge of the school."
J. G. LAWSON, on spending time in Library, looking up native name
for proposed Legislative Assembly in Dublin. Found what it used to be
called when BRIAN was King; written name down, tries to pronounce it.
TIM HEALY says, as far as he can make out, LAWSON is speaking Welsh;
it is suggested that Chairman shall put Question. MELLOR says he's
quite enough to do to put Amendments in English; declines to attempt
the Irish. LAWSON withdraws, using awful language, which he insists is
Irish. It sounds even worse.
_Business done._--Blusterous.
* * * * *
[Illustration: OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE.
(_Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room._)]
* * * * *
_Saturday Morning._--Another afternoon in Committee on Home-Rule Bill.
Not so lively as yesterday, but equal amount of business not done,
which, after all is the thing. House fairly full; gunpowder lying
about in all directions, as shown by occasional flash; and one regular
explosion. Went off to Library; sat in quiet corner with PRINCE
ARTHUR'S last book in hand. Fancy I must have fallen asleep; found
tall figure sitting next to me; drowsily recognised RAIKES. Couldn't
be RAIKES, you know; long ago gone to another place. Yet figure
unmistakeable, and voice well remembered. Seem to have been asking him
question.
"What do I think about new Chairman?" he was saying. "Well, of course,
that is a delicate question to put to me; was Chairman myself for many
sessions; know every thorn in the cushion of the seat. It is, I should
say, the most difficult post in House; far more so than SPEAKER'S.
SPEAKER is robed about with authority that does not pertain to
Chairman. Observations which, addressed to SPEAKER, would be flat
blasphemy, are, when flung at Chairman of Ways and Means, merely
choleric words. Apart from that, position is, through long stretches
of sitting, more arduous. When full-dress debate going on, SPEAKER
of judgment and experience can go easy; may even, upon occasion,
strategically doze. One did in times not so long ago, and was caught
_flagrante asleepoh_. MACKWORTH PRAED was Member of the House then;
made little speech in verse on incident. You remember it?
Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; it's surely fair,
If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair;
Longer and longer still they grow,
Tory and Radical, Aye and No
Talking by night, and talking by day.
Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; sleep, sleep, while you may.
[Illustration: Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, "The Mellor and
His Men."]
"Chairman must be on alert every moment in Committee. Rule under his
jurisdiction is conversation as opposed to speech-making when SPEAKER
in Chair. Any moment out of depths of dulness may suddenly rise a
whirlwind, which he is expected forthwith to ride. Especially in
connection with Bill like this now before Committee, Chairman is in
state of tension from time he takes Chair till he leaves. Don't forget
all this when you criticise MELLOR, still new to place. He's a good
fellow, and a shrewd one; but has, among other difficulties, to fight
against proneness to good-nature. Good-nature out of place in the
Chair. COURTNEY knew that, and successfully overcame his natural
tendencies. MELLOR too anxious to oblige. Must get over that. Above
all, should never explain. Suddenly called upon for decision on knotty
point, must needs make mistake sometimes. If he does, unless it be
very serious, _he should stick to it_. For Chairman of Committees,
better to be in the wrong and uphold authority of Chair, than
to wriggle into the right at its expense. MELLOR should be more
monosyllabic in his style, more ruthless in his dealing with
disorderly interruption, more wary about putting his foot down, but,
being planted, it should be immovable. It would make his fortune if he
could only name CHAMBERLAIN. That would be difficult, I know, for JOEY
C. is sly, dev'lish sly. He should begin with JEMMY LOWTHER, who
gives plenty of chances. Thence he might work upwards. Is that a bell
ringing? Yes. Must be off, or I'll get shut out. We've lately adopted
the Early Closing Movement."
Certainly bell was ringing; it was for Division on Clause I. Still
fact seems to run on all fours with what I remember RAIKES talking of
just now. Yet, again, when one comes to think of it, can a bell run on
all fours? Everything very strange. Shall go and vote.
_Business done._--Clause I. agreed to.
* * * * *