(_A Reminiscence of the Opening of the Imperial Institute._)
SCENE--_The Hyde Park South Road, opposite the Cavalry Barracks.
Closely-packed ranks of Sightseers have formed in front of the
long line of unharnessed carriages under the trees. Outside
this line the feebler folk, who invariably come on such
occasions, and never find the courage to trust themselves in
the crowd, are wistfully wandering, in the hope of procuring a
place by some miraculous interposition._
_Lament of Feeble Females._ I _told_ you how it would be--not the
_slightest_ use staying here!... _I_ can't see anything except a
lamp-post and the top of a soldier's bearskin!... We might _just_ as
well have stopped at home! (_Viciously._) Where all the people _come_
from, _I_ don't know! I'm sure we were here early _enough_!
_Comments by Feeble Males._ No--not much to be seen where we are,
certainly, but--um--I don't know that we're likely to do better
anywhere else.... Not the least good attempting to get in _there_.
Well, we can _try_ lower down, of course, but it'll be just the same.
They ought to arrange these things better!
[_They drift on discontentedly._
_The Self-Helper_ (_squeezing between the wheels, and elbowing himself
past the people who have been standing patiently there for hours_).
By your leave--'ere, just allow me to pass, please. Thenk you. One
moment, Mum. "No right to push in 'ere," 'aven't I? I've as much right
as what _you_ 'ave. Think the ole Park b'longs to _you_, I suppose?
You orter 'ave a space roped in a-purpose for you, _you_ ought! Tork
about selfishness!
[_He arrives triumphantly in the foremost row, and obtains the
tolerance, if not the sympathy, of all who are not near enough
to be inconvenienced by his presence._
_Contented People in the Crowd._ Oh, we shall do well enough 'ere.
They'll put their sunshades down when the QUEEN passes ... I can ketch
a view between the 'eads like. And you don't get the sun under the
trees ... Sha'n't have much longer to wait _now_. She'll be starting
in another arf hour--(&c., &c.)
_A Lady in a Landau_ (_to her husband_). I don't think we _could_ have
done better, Horace--we shall see everything; and it's quite amusing
to be close to the crowd, and hear their remarks--_much_ nicer than
being in one of the Stands!
[_Her self-congratulations are cut short by the arrival of
three Humorous Artisans, who have taken a day off, and are in
the highest animal spirits._
_Joe_ (_first Humorous Artisan_). You shove in first, BILL--push
along, JOE; there's room for three little 'uns! Don't you mind about
_me_--I'll git up 'ere, and see over your 'eds. [_He mounts on one of
the front wheels of the landau, and holds on by the lamp._) I can see
proper where _I_ am. There's a lady fainted down there!
_Bill_ (_the leading Buffoon of the Party_). I wonder if she's got any
money. If she 'as, I'll go and 'elp 'er!
_Joe._ She's all right now. The ambulance 'as come up--they're
standin' 'er on 'er 'ed!
_The Lady in the Landau_ (_in an undertone_). HORACE, we can't have
this horrible man here--do make him get down!
_Horace_ (_to Joe_). Here, I say, my friend, don't you think you'd be
more comfortable somewhere else?--that wheel is--er--not exactly the
place----
_Joe._ No offence, Guv'nor. Yer see, I ain't brought out _my_ brawm
to-day, 'cos I'm 'avin' it varnished, and----
_Bill._ Why, don't yer _see_, JOE?--the lady's put 'er 'usband up to
invitin' you on the box-seat of 'er kerridge!--it all comes o' bein so
good lookin'--but take care what yer about, or your missus may come by
and ketch yer--which'll be unpleasant for all parties!
_Joe_ (_to the owner of the Landau, with easy affability_). It's very
'orspitable of you and your good lady, Mister, but I'm very well where
I am--if I _should_ want to set down later on, I'll tell yer. (_To_
BILL.) I can't think what they all _see_ in me. _I_ don't encourage
'em!
_The Lady_ (_in a rapid whisper_). No, HORACE, for goodness sake
_don't_--you'll only make them worse--we must put up with it. (_They
do._)
_Bill_ (_affecting to recognise an imaginary friend across the road_).
'Ullo, if there ain't little ALEXANDER! I knoo _'e'd_ be 'ere. What
cher, ALEC, ole pal?
_Joe_ (_playing up to him_). Ah, and there goes JACK GAYNER! You can
spot 'im anywhere by 'is eye-glass.
_Bill._ That's ole JACK all over, that is. 'E wouldn't come out--not
on a day like this--without a _eyeglass_, JACK wouldn't. If it 'ad ha'
bin a Saturday now, 'e'd ha' 'ad _two_, to see 'is way 'ome by. (_A
gorgeous official passes on horseback._) There y'ar--there's DAN LENO.
Way oh, DANNY!
_Dick._ It's time 'Er Most Gracious come along, if she's goin' to
keep 'er character. If she don't make 'aste, I shan't 'ave time to get
'alf a pint afore I go 'ome!
_Bill_ (_sentimentally_). Ah, if she on'y knoo the anxious arts she's
causin'! 'Ullo, see that bloke tryin' to climb up on the wall there?
If I was one o' them sojers, I'd draw my sword and do a noble deed
against _'im_, I would. He wouldn't want to set down on no wall arter
_I'd_ done with him!
[_By this time the two have secured a delighted audience--of which
they are fully conscious._
_Joe._ Time 's very near up. 'ER MAJESTY ain't 'urryin 'erself.
_Bill_ (_magnanimously_). Never mind. Now I _am_ 'ere, I'll stop _'Er_
time. I shouldn't like 'Er to feel that there was somethink wantin' to
the success of the perceedins. They say Royalty never forgets a face!
_Joe_ (_with the candour of intimacy_). She won't see enough o' yours
to _forgit_, ole feller--you ain't used _much_ o' Pears' Soap this
mornin', you ain't!
_Bill_ (_in nowise pained by this personality--which is only too well
founded_). Ah, it 'ud take "Monkey Brand" and Fuller's Earth to git
it all orf o' _me_! (_There is a stir in the crowd; a Mounted
Police-sergeant trots past_). There's somethink up _now_. They're
comin'. I _will_ 'oller when the QUEEN passes. She's costed me a deal
already, but she ain't got _all_ the money. I got three 'apence of it
in my pocket--though, come to think of it, three 'apence laid out in
pots o' four ale among three with thusts for thirty and loyalty laid
on 'ot _and_ cold all over the premises--why, it don't go so bloomin'
fur, and don't you forgit it!
_Dick._ 'Ere come the Life Guards! smart lookin' lot o' chaps, ain't
they?
_Bill_ (_philosophically_). Ah, and when they done their time, them
fellers 'll be glad to turn to plarsterin' or wood-choppin'--anythink
to gain their liveli'ood by. There's the Royalties. I can see the
people wavin' their 'ankerchiefs--them that's got em. _I_ want to wave
somethink--'ere, lend me your bacco-pipe, will yer.
[_An open carriaqe passes, containing personages in uniform._
_Dick._ 'Oo'll _that_ lot be?
_Bill._ Why, that's the Markiss o' BRICKDUST--don't yer know _'im_?
And the one in front is the Dook o' DRIPPIN'. Look at 'im a larfin.
Ain't 'e a gay ole chicking? 'Ere's some more o' them.
_The Crowd._ That is the Dook o' CAMBRIDGE. No, it ain't--that was 'im
in the fust kerridge. Go on--that was the EDINGBOROS!... Why, I
tell yer, I see 'is white whiskers! There's the Princess MAY! Which?
'Ooray! Lor, it's no good 'oorayin' _now_--she's gone by long ago.
Well, I _am_ glad I 've seen 'er, any'ow! Who are them in the white
'elmets? Ostralians, I fancy. No, they ain't--they're Canadians.
Then who is it in the fancy dress, with slouch 'ats an' feathers on?
Forriners o' _some_ sort. Ain't them Indians dressed up fine? Here
come the creams. _Now_ we shall see 'Er!
_Bill_ (_with enthusiasm_). Brayvo! SANGER'S ain't in it! 'Ooray,
'ooray! Lor, I could do with a ap'ny ice! Did yer see 'Er, Joe? I
caught 'Er Royal eye, I did. She didn't bow--'cos we ain't on those
terms--but she tipped me a wink, ser much as to say, "'Ullo, BILL, ole
feller, 'ow is it you ain't in the Institoot?" _Quite_ forgittin' she
never sent me no ticket. But there, I dessay she's _lots_ to think
about!
_Joe_ (_to the occupants of the Landau_). You'll excuse me leavin' yer
for a bit, just to git a drink, won't yer? I'll be back in time to see
'em return--if yer won't mind keepin' my place.
[_Exit, leaving them glaring in speechless indignation._
_The Crowd_ (_breaking up_). Oh, I see it beautiful! She _did_ look
pleased, didn't she? I didn't notice partickler. I was lookin' at the
Percession.... Come along, that's all there is to be seen.... Where's
that silly ole man got to? I told 'im to be 'ere under this tree;
he wants more lookin' after than any--oh, _'ere_ you are! Well, you
should ha' kept along with us, and you'd ha' seen well enough! It
_was_ a pity our leavin' the whisky at 'ome--'tain't _often_ I come
out without it--and on a warm day like this, a drop 'ud ha' done us
_all_ good!
_A Loyal Old Lady._ Ah, depend upon it, this Imperial Institoot 'ull
do good to Trade. Why, there's one o' them men with the iced lemonade
cans sold out a'ready!
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