From that time I called every day to see Lenore and her mother; and each
time came away more hopelessly infatuated.
My money was gradually growing easier to count--until I found that I had
but a few shillings left, and necessity must soon force me to seek
employment. Of course I contemplated going to sea, and making my living
on board some ship; but I found it impossible to come to a
determination.
How was I to leave Liverpool, where I could gaze each day on the beauty
that adorned Lenore?
I could not take my departure until circumstances should compel me. In
order to protract my stay as long as possible, I lived on but one meal
per diem; and as I had also to keep a little money for my lodgings, I
made that meal upon a penny roll.
Mrs Hyland had determined on giving up the ship--a resolution no doubt
due to the mismanagement, or rather dishonesty, of him who had lately
commanded her. I assisted her in finding a purchaser; and she was very
fortunate in disposing of the vessel at a good price.
She had plenty of money, and was willing to aid me. But pride prevented
me from accepting of anything but her friendship; and ofttimes did I
appear in the presence of Lenore while suffering the pangs of hunger!
Was that love?
I thought it was; and on this fancy, and a single roll of bread, I lived
from day to day. Never had I been so happy, and, at the same time, so
wretched. I could look upon her I loved, and converse with her for
hours at a time. That was happiness. But I loved Lenore, and must
leave her. That was misery.
Lenore seemed to meet me with so much cheerfulness, that my resolution
to leave her--without being absolutely compelled to it--was often nearly
broken; and I believe there are but few who would have resisted the
temptation to stay. But pride, a sense of justice, and a love of
independence, prompted me to go forth again upon the world, and seek
fortune afresh. Perhaps, too, the fact that I was naturally a "rolling
stone," might have had much to do in my determination, at length arrived
at, of bidding adieu to Lenore. There was yet another motive urging my
departure--one which had been too long allowed to lie dormant within my
bosom; my relatives were lost, and I knew not where to find them. This
thought often arose, causing me much regret. I had as yet no reason to
believe that they had left Liverpool; but if such should prove to be the
case, the sooner I started in search of them, the sooner would my
conscience be satisfied.
I waited till my last shilling was spent; and then sold a signet ring--
which I had taken from the finger of a dead Mexican, on the field of
battle--obtaining thirty shillings for it. With this trifling sum I had
a great deal to accomplish. It constituted the sole fund with which my
relatives were to be sought and found. It was the capital I had to
invest, in the business of making a fortune worthy of Lenore!
I advertised for my mother in some of the Liverpool papers; but the only
result was the loss of the greater part of my cash. She had probably
gone after Mr Leary to Australia. Having followed him from Dublin to
Liverpool, was proof that she was foolish enough to follow him to the
Antipodes; and the money she had received for the lease of her house,
would enable her to go there.
Had I been certain that she had sailed to Australia, I should have gone
after her; but I could scarce believe that she had been guilty of an act
of folly; which even the absence of common sense would neither excuse
nor explain. Because she had once acted foolishly, was not positive
proof that she still continued the victim of her unfortunate
infatuation.
The mere conjecture that my mother had emigrated to Australia, would not
have been a sufficient reason for my going so far in search of her--so
far away from Lenore. Still it was certain I must go somewhere. I had
a fortune to make; and, in my belief, Liverpool was the last place where
an _honest_ man would have stood any chance in making it.
My clothing had become threadbare, and my hat and boots were worn to
such a dilapidated condition, that I became every day more ashamed to
pay my visits to Lenore. I at length resolved upon discontinuing them.
I arose one morning, with the determination of making a move of some
kind during the day: for the life that I had been leading for the past
six weeks could be endured no longer.
I made an excursion to the docks, where I soon succeeded in finding a
berth; and shipped for the "run" in a large vessel--a "liner"--bound to
New York. This business being settled, I proceeded to the house of Mrs
Hyland--to bid her and her daughter "good-bye."
They showed every evidence of regret at my departure; and yet they did
not urge me very strenuously to remain: for they knew something of my
disposition.