_The Reciter is supposed to be in the Strand, facing the audience. As
you come on, the idea is that you are suddenly attracted by an
advertisement borne by the last of a string of Sandwich-men. You stop
him, and begin as follows. By the way, as you are enacting an American,
you will of course be careful to speak through your nose, whenever it
occurs to you. Now then:--_
H'yur, you! bossing them boards--Jess you fetch up a spell!
[_Rough good-nature expressed by forefinger._
Don't go twitching your cords! (_Impatiently._) Lemme look at ye well:
(_Genial amusement._) Why, I'm derned ef ye don't look as skeered as a
tortoise growed out of his shell!
What's the style of your show? This yer pictur looks gay:
Why, ye don't tell me so! (_Homely gratification._) It's a
_Murrican_ play!
And you mosey along with the posters--wa'al, now, do ye find the
job _pay_?
(_With a kindly curiosity._) Say, what was it--_drink_? As has led
to it....Stop!
Wa'al, on'y to _think_--Ef it isn't _his_ shop!
This identical theater as hires ye. Hev ye heerd on him?--HASDRUBAL JOPP!
So ye _hev_, I declar! Oh, it's likely the same,
Which I knew him out thar (_indicate the United States by a vague
jerk of your thumb_). And I reckon it's _Fame_,
If a broken-down blizzard like you--(No offence!)--kin look _so_
at his name!
(_By the word_ "so" _you should suggest a movement of pleased
surprise on the part of the Sandwich-man_.)
Can't ye stay for awhile--Till I've opened my head?
So he's bin an' struck ile? Which the same's what _I_ said--
Fur I see him in _Fish outer Water_, and sez I (_sententiously_),
"A Tragedian _bred_!"
Yes, I allays allowed, As he must make a hit;
And not at all proud--No, _Sir_--all on him grit! (_Affectionately._)
Jess you wait till he hears _I_'m around, and you mark the reception
I git!
For us two were such chums As ye don't often find.
Lord! the way it all comes Scrouging in on my mind!--
(_Abruptly._) This dern sun is that pesky an' strong, it's enough for
to strike a man blind!
(_Here you should convey the idea that this is a mere excuse for a
not unmanly emotion; this is generally done by wiping the eye
surreptitiously on the coat-sleeve._)
A freehandeder cuss Never stepped on a street.
Which he'd raise such a fuss, When we happened to meet--
I could see he'd be hurt in his feelins ef he warn't not allowed
to stand treat!
So he's managed to climb To the top of the tree!
[_Homely, unselfish satisfaction._
But I'll bet every time--Big a boss as he be--
He remembers his pardner in Frisco--Yes, he don't forgit little old Me!
[_This proudly, but tenderly._
(_Here the Sandwich-man is supposed to make some sort of assent.
You turn upon him savagely, with an irritation assumed to
conceal deep feeling._)
What on airth do _you_ mean? By a' sayin' "_You're_ sure
Of it." (_With half recognition._) Seems like I've seen Those yer
featurs afore!
[_Hand to chin, dubiously._
A mistake? (_Roughly._) Well then, _you_ hold yer hosses, and don't
interrup' me no more!
(_The Sandwich-man here makes another attempt to escape_; _you put
out two detaining fingers._)
Come, you ain't going yet? (_Heartily._) H'yur, you lem me run on!
Why, we've on'y jest met--And you want to be gone!
I must hev _some_ critter, I tell ye, to practise chin-music upon!
No, theer don't seem a doubt--He is cock of the school;
And the stuffing's knocked out Of your IRVING and TOOLE!
[_Outburst of rapturous exultation._
Jest, to think o' JOPP busting up BARRETT!--thar, call me a
soft-hearted fool!
(_Second emotional display; half turn, and use your handkerchief
with ostentation; the Sandwich-man is also affected, which you
observe with some surprise._)
Why, you _air_ lookin' queer! Derned ef _I_ kin see why!
Sho! you thought 'twas a _tear_ As I've got in my eye?
[_Rough shame at your own weakness._
No, _I_ don't take no stock in hydraulics--it's on'y a dod-gasted fly!
[_Resume with a proud anticipation._
He'll be chipper an' smart.--But, fur all he has riz,
He will open his heart _And_ a bottle of fizz
Right away when he sees me! (_Here you seem to detect a lurking doubt
in the Sandwich-man's eye._) Hightoned, Sir? You'd better believe
that he _is_!
_I_ ain't feared o' no change: JOPP'll be jest as _true_!
[_Stop abruptly, and stare glassily._
(_In a husky whisper._) Blame my cats--but it's strange!
(_Take a step backwards._) What in thunder!... JOPP it's--YOU!!!
[_With a shout._
(_Crestfallen tone._) So ye're not _on_ the boards, but between 'em!
(_Change to hasty and somewhat confused apology._) ... Ye'll excuse
me--I've suthin' to do!
[_Go off hurriedly, with air of a man recollecting an appointment._
It is hardly necessary to advise you that the effect you should aim at
is the securing of your audience's sympathy for _yourself_--as the
victim of such an unfortunate mistake--don't let them trouble themselves
about the unseen Sandwich-man.
* * * * *