Taking the Veil--Interview afterward with the Superior--Surprise and
horror at her Disclosure--Resolution to Submit.
I was introduced into the Superior's room on the evening preceding the
day on which I was to take the veil, to have an interview with the
Bishop. The Superior was present, and the interview lasted about half
an hour. The Bishop on this as on other occasions appeared to me
habitually rough in his manners. His address was by no means
prepossessing.
Before I took the veil, I was ornamented for the ceremony, and was
clothed in a rich dress belonging to the Convent, which was used on
such occasions; and placed not far from the altar in the chapel, in the
view of a number of spectators who had assembled, perhaps about forty.
Taking the veil is an affair which occurs so frequently in Montreal,
that it has long ceased to be regarded as a novelty; and, although
notice had been given in the French parish church as usual, only a
small audience had assembled, as I have mentioned.
Being well prepared with a long training, and frequent rehearsals, for
what I was to perform, I stood waiting in my large flowing dress for
the appearance of the Bishop. He soon presented himself, entering by
the door behind the altar; I then threw myself at his feet, and asked
him to confer upon me the veil. He expressed his consent, and threw it
over my head, saying, "Receive the veil, O thou spouse of Jesus
Christ;" and then turning to the Superior, I threw myself prostrate at
her feet, according to my instructions, repeating what I had before
done at rehearsals, and made a movement as if to kiss her feet. This
she prevented, or appeared to prevent, catching me by a sudden motion
of her hand, and granted my request. I then kneeled before the Holy
Sacrament, that is, a very large round wafer held by the Bishop between
his fore-finger and thumb, and made my vows.
This wafer I had been taught to regard with the utmost veneration, as
the real body of Jesus Christ, the presence of which made the vows
uttered before it binding in the most solemn manner.
After taking the vows, I proceeded to a small apartment behind the
altar, accompanied by four nuns, where was a coffin prepared with my
nun name engraven upon it:
"SAINT EUSTACE."
My companions lifted it by four handles attached to it, while I threw
off my dress, and put on that of a nun of Soeur Bourgeoise; and then we
all returned to the chapel. I proceeded first, and was followed by the
four nuns; the Bishop naming a number of worldly pleasures in rapid
succession, in reply to which I as rapidly repeated--"Je renonce, je
renonce, je renonce"--[I renounce, I renounce, I renounce.]
The coffin was then placed in front of the altar, and I advanced to lay
myself in it. This coffin was to be deposited, after the ceremony, in
an outhouse, to be preserved until my death, when it was to receive my
corpse. There were reflections which I naturally made at the time, but
I stepped in, extended myself, and lay still. A pillow had been placed
at the head of the coffin, to support my head in a comfortable
position. A large, thick black cloth was then spread over me, and the
chanting of Latin hymns immediately commenced. My thoughts were not the
most pleasing during the time I lay in that situation. The pall, or
Drap Mortel, as the cloth is called, had a strong smell of incense,
which was always disagreeable to me, and then proved almost
suffocating. I recollected also a story I had heard of a novice, who,
in taking the veil, lay down in her coffin like me, and was covered in
the same manner, but on the removal of the covering was found dead.
When I was uncovered, I rose, stepped out of my coffin, and kneeled.
The Bishop then addressed these words to the Superior, "Take care and
keep pure and spotless this young virgin, whom Christ has consecrated
to himself this day." After which the music commenced, and here the
whole was finished. I then proceeded from the chapel, and returned to
the Superior's room, followed by the other nuns, who walked two by two,
in their customary manner, with their hands folded on their breasts,
and their eyes cast down upon the floor. The nun who was to be my
companion in future, then walked at the end of the procession. On
reaching the Superior's door, they all left me, and I entered alone,
and found her with the Bishop and two priests.
The Superior now informed me, that having taken the black veil, it only
remained that I should swear the three oaths customary on becoming a
nun; and that some explanations would be necessary from her. I was now,
she told me, to have access to every part of the edifice, even to the
cellar, where two of the sisters were imprisoned for causes which she
did not mention. I must be informed, that one of my great duties was,
to obey the priests in all things; and this I soon learnt, to my utter
astonishment and horror, was to live in the practice of criminal
intercourse with them. I expressed some of the feelings which this
announcement excited in me, which came upon me like a flash of
lightning, but the only effect was to set her arguing with me, in favor
of the crime, representing it as a virtue acceptable to God, and
honorable to me. The priests, she said, were not situated like other
men, being forbidden to marry; while they lived secluded, laborious,
and self-denying lives for our salvation. They might, indeed, be
considered our saviours, as without their services we could not obtain
the pardon of sin, and must go to hell. Now, it was our solemn duty, on
withdrawing from the world, to consecrate our lives to religion, to
practice every species of self-denial. We could not become too humble,
nor mortify our feelings too far; this was to be done by opposing them,
and acting contrary to them; and what she proposed was, therefore,
pleasing in the sight of God. I now felt how foolish I had been to
place myself in the power of such persons as were around me.
From what she said I could draw no other conclusion, but that I was
required to act like the most abandoned of beings, and that all my
future associates were habitually guilty of the most heinous and
detestable crimes. When I repeated my expressions of surprise and
horror, she told me that such feelings were very common at first, and
that many other nuns had expressed themselves as I did, who had long
since changed their minds. She even said, that on her entrance into the
nunnery, she had felt like me.
Doubts, she declared, were among our greatest enemies. They would lead
us to question every point of duty, and induce us to waver at every
step. They arose only from remaining imperfection, and were always
evidence of sin. Our only way was to dismiss them immediately, repent,
and confess them. They were deadly sins, and would condemn us to hell,
if we should die without confessing them. Priests, she insisted, could
not sin. It was a thing impossible. Everything that they did, and
wished, was of course right. She hoped I would see the reasonableness
and duty of the oaths I was to take, and be faithful to them.
She gave me another piece of information which excited other feelings
in me, scarcely less dreadful. Infants were sometimes born in the
convent; but they were always baptized and immediately strangled! This
secured their everlasting happiness; for the baptism purified them from
all sinfulness, and being sent out of the world before they had time to
do anything wrong, they were at once admitted into heaven. How happy,
she exclaimed, are those who secure immortal happiness to such little
beings! Their little souls would thank those who kill their bodies, if
they had it in their power!
Into what a place, and among what society, had I been admitted! How
differently did a Convent now appear from what I had supposed it to be!
The holy women I had always fancied the nuns to be, the venerable Lady
Superior, what were they? And the priests of the seminary adjoining,
some of whom indeed I had had reason to think were base and profligate
men, what were they all? I now learnt they were often admitted into the
nunnery, and allowed to indulge in the greatest crimes, which they and
others called virtues.
After having listened for some time to the Superior alone, a number of
the nuns were admitted, and took a free part in the conversation. They
concurred in everything which she had told me, and repeated, without
any signs of shame or compunction, things which criminated themselves.
I must acknowledge the truth, and declare that all this had an effect
upon my mind. I questioned whether I might not be in the wrong, and
felt as if their reasoning might have some just foundation. I had been
several years under the tuition of Catholics, and was ignorant of the
Scriptures, and unaccustomed to the society, example, and conversation
of Protestants; had not heard any appeal to the Bible as authority, but
had been taught, both by precept and example, to receive as truth
everything said by the priests. I had not heard their authority
questioned, nor anything said of any other standard of faith but their
declarations. I had long been familiar with the corrupt and licentious
expressions which some of them use at confessions, and believed that
other women were also. I had no standard of duty to refer to, and no
judgment of my own which I knew how to use, or thought of using.
All around me insisted that my doubts proved only my own ignorance and
sinfulness; that they knew by experience they would soon give place to
true knowledge, and an advance in religion; and I felt something like
indecision.
Still, there was so much that disgusted me in the discovery I had now
made, of the debased characters around me, that I would most gladly
have escaped from the nunnery, and never returned. But that was a thing
not to be thought of. I was in their power, and this I deeply felt,
while I thought there was not one among the whole number of nuns to
whom I could look for kindness. There was one, however, who began to
speak to me at length in a tone that gained something of my
confidence,--the nun whom I have mentioned before as distinguished by
her oddity, Jane Ray, who made us so much amusement when I was a
novice. Although, as I have remarked, there was nothing in her face,
form, or manners, to give me any pleasure, she addressed me with
apparent friendliness; and while she seemed to concur in some things
spoken by them, took an opportunity to whisper a few words in my ear,
unheard by them, intimating that I had better comply with everything
the Superior desired, if I would save my life. I was somewhat alarmed
before, but I now became much more so, and determined to make no
further resistance. The Superior then made me repeat the three oaths;
and when I had sworn them, I was shown into one of the community rooms,
and remained some time with the nuns, who were released from their
usual employments, and enjoying a recreation day, on account of the
admission of a new sister. My feelings during the remainder of that
day, I shall not attempt to describe; but pass on to mention the
ceremonies which took place at dinner. This description may give an
idea of the manner in which we always took our meals, although there
were some points in which the breakfast and supper were different.
At 11 o'clock the bell rung for dinner, and the nuns all took their
places in a double row, in the same order as that in which they left
the chapel in the morning, except that my companion and myself were
stationed at the end of the line. Standing thus for a moment, with our
hands placed one on the other over the breast, and hidden in our large
cuffs, with our heads bent forward, and eyes fixed on the floor; an old
nun who stood at the door, clapped her hands as a signal for us to
proceed, and the procession moved on, while we all commenced the
repetition of litanies. We walked on in this order, repeating all the
way, until we reached the door of the dining-room, where we were
divided into two lines; those on the right passing down one side of the
long table, and those on the left the other, till all were in, and each
stopped in her place. The plates were all ranged, each with a knife,
fork, and spoon, rolled up in a napkin, and tied round with a linen
band marked with the owner's name. My own plate, knife, fork, &c., were
prepared like the rest, and on the band around them I found my new name
written:--"SAINT EUSTACE."
There we stood till all had concluded the litany; when the old nun who
had taken her place at the head of the table next the door, said the
prayer before meat, beginning "Benedicite," and we sat down. I do not
remember of what our dinner consisted, but we usually had soup and some
plain dish of meat, the remains of which were occasionally served up at
supper as a fricassee. One of the nuns who had been appointed to read
that day, rose and began to lecture from a book put into her hands by
the Superior, while the rest of us ate in perfect silence. The nun who
reads during dinner stays afterward to dine. As fast as we finished our
meals, each rolled up her knife, fork, and spoon in her napkin, and
bound them together with the band, and set with hands folded. The old
nun then said a short prayer, rose, stepped a little aside, clapped her
hands, and we marched towards the door, bowing as we passed before a
little chapel or glass box, containing a wax image of the infant Jesus.
Nothing important occurred until late in the afternoon, when, as I was
sitting in the community-room, Father Dufrèsne called me out, saying he
wished to speak with me. I feared what was his intention; but I dared
not disobey. In a private apartment, he treated me in a brutal manner;
and from two other priests I afterward received similar usage that
evening. Father Dufrèsne afterward appeared again; and I was compelled
to remain in company with him until morning.
I am assured that the conduct of the priests in our Convent has never
been exposed, and is not imagined by the people of the United States.
This induces me to say what I do, notwithstanding the strong reasons I
have to let it remain unknown. Still, I cannot force myself to speak on
such subjects except in the most brief manner.