When Myra reached home she was met in the hall by one of the maids who
said—as it seemed to Myra, with an ambiguous and lewd smile—“Miss
Werkenthin is waiting for Miss Rudloff.”
Myra felt her heart palpitate, as it had so often of late. She walked
more slowly, not wishing to reach the door of her room too soon. She
felt that she must have a few moments’ reprieve. But she felt, too, as
if the maid had stopped, and she thought that mocking, spying glance was
stabbing her back, between the shoulder blades. So she walked quicker.
It was cold outside, cold on the stairs, cold in the hall.
She had been so happy at the idea of her warm, quiet room, of the mild
light of the lamp, of an hour in the easy-chair with a good book in her
hand. Now her beloved room was quite filled with a strange presence, a
cloud of opium and stupefying perfume would assail her, and she would
not enjoy a quiet quarter of an hour that night.
Once more she would lie awake half the night with all her nerves
jumping, taking one sleeping-tablet after another to induce a few hours
of dull unrefreshing slumber.
She was shaken by sudden anger.
“I want my room to myself!” she thought, gritting her teeth like a
defiant child, and clenching her fists. “Every animal has its hole into
which to creep! I want a room where I can be alone. I must be alone, I
must have rest. I don’t want any stranger in my room!”
Exhausted and close to tears, she supported herself for a moment against
the wall. She was considering whether it would not be better to go out
again, to take refuge in a coffee-house and read the papers. But she was
tired and dreaded the cold dark street. Moreover, she would have to come
home in the end, and up until midnight there would be someone constantly
waiting for her in her room.
So she walked with sudden decision to her door. She decided to feign a
headache. Ah, she would probably have one soon from anxiety and anger.
She would simply go to bed, make compresses, and swallow powders,
replying to all questions with a curt yes or no. Then, perhaps, she
would presently be left alone.
As she opened her door, she felt for a moment as if she were dreaming or
insane.
All the doors and drawers of her desk were open. White heaps stood up
like little mountains. Her hasty glance took in letters, pictures,
books, notebooks—everything in wild disorder.
Before the open drawers Gisela was kneeling in a shirt and black silk
underwear, rummaging among Myra’s linen.
The worst that one could do to Myra was to touch her unprotected things.
She sprang at Gisela, seizing her bare arm angrily.
“What are you doing here? What’s in your mind?” she cried.
Gisela was not in the least frightened. “You come too soon,” she said
coldly, baring her teeth with a mocking twitch of her lips. “Yes, you
come too soon. I know very well what I’m talking about. I mean not too
late, too soon. If you had come five minutes later, all would have been
over.”
“What is the meaning of this?” Myra was becoming more and more enraged,
rather than frightened, although the face that had been pushed close to
hers for some hundred seconds, was strange and weird. “What are you
doing here? Why are you going through my things?”
“I’m looking for something,” said Gisela, sharply and contemptuously.
“You can see for yourself that I’m looking for something. Is it any of
your business? I really don’t think it _is_ any of your business. I
really don’t believe that anything,” she touched Myra’s breast several
times with one finger, “goes on in there, in your heart. Or in my heart
for you. I’m in the ground, deep in the ground.” With a gentle broken
voice and a face distorted by sorrow, she sang, “In the cool ground.”
Suddenly in a completely altered tone that was clear and almost
businesslike, she said, “I’m looking for your revolver.”
Myra started to glance at the night-table, but with almost superhuman
energy checked herself when she saw that Gisela’s eyes were glued to her
face, watching every expression.
“What do you want with the revolver?” she asked very quietly. “It’s no
plaything for you.”
“What do I want with the revolver?” said Gisela with a plaintive singing
child’s voice. “To hold it against my temple, to pull the trigger, to
die, to sleep. What a question! What do I want with the revolver? Ai,
ai, what do people generally do with revolvers? Ai, ai....” She suddenly
began to laugh. “Have you ever heard anybody say ‘Ai, ai,’ before in
your life? It’s too stupid! Who can have invented the expression? Ai,
ai! Ai, ai!” She began to laugh louder and louder. She laughed so much
that the tears ran down her face. She shook her head so that wisps of
hair fluttered about her forehead while she kept repeating, “Ai, ai! Ai,
ai!”
Suddenly she got up and her slender elegantly shod foot kicked her
clothes which were lying on the floor.
“You mustn’t be surprised that I got undressed,” she said, “I did it
intentionally because I felt too warm. You’ll probably think it’s not
right for me to undress in your room. If so, I forthwith beg your
pardon, ask your forgiveness.” She said it very formally. “You’ll think
a lot of things are not right because you come from a higher sphere of
society. In other words, you’re just a spheroid!” Again she began to
laugh hysterically. “I never did know what that was, but you’re exactly
what I imagined a spheroid looked like!” She tottered and supported
herself with both hands against the commode; her eyes were half shut,
her mouth was distorted with pain. “If anybody in all this world loved
me, she would put me to bed now. Oh, if I could only lie down so that my
brain would get back into place again. It has turned over. But that’s
the way it feels, exactly that way.”
Myra caught her elbow and supported her.
“Come, I’ll put you to bed.” She made an effort to speak very gently.
“Come, you poor child. You can lie down and be comfortable on the divan.
Then your poor brain will get back into place again. You are tired and
you must sleep. Then you’ll be fresh and cheerful again in a few hours.”
She took the slender, limp body by the shoulders, and guiding Gisela to
the divan, laid her among the cushions and covered her with a blanket
from the bed.
She sat beside Gisela, mechanically caressing her cold, and apparently
lifeless hands until the girl’s irregular breathing grew more quiet. Her
limbs relaxed and her head sank deep among the pillows.
Myra sat for a while without moving, for she was afraid she would wake
the sleeper. At any rate, it was quiet in her room now.
She looked at the clock. In half an hour Gisela was supposed to be at
the cabaret. Myra cast a glance at the exhausted face with its worn
features and open mouth. It was hardly possible to awaken the sleeper
now and remind her of her obligations. Nor had Myra the slightest desire
to do so.
She rose quietly to go to the telephone. She wanted at least to call up
the cabaret and tell them that Gisela was sick. Perhaps she could save
her a fine in that way. Moreover, the thought was unbearable to her
middle-class sensibilities that people would be waiting there, becoming
more and more excited from moment to moment, and not know what had
happened.
At first she walked on tiptoe, glancing back cautiously like a criminal,
toward the night-table, planning to remove the revolver. She wondered
where she could put it. No place seemed safe enough. She decided to
carry it on her person, and as she did not want it seen, she thrust it
into her waist. It felt heavy and cold and gruesome hanging in her light
shirt, and although she had tried the safety catch, she thought that at
every step the slightest jolt would loosen it, jar the trigger, and
drive a bullet through her breast. Defiantly, she told herself that
nothing better could happen, controlling her fear in that fashion.
She waited a long time in the telephone booth before she gave her number
because she thought she heard steps in the hall, or doors opening. She
did not want anybody to overhear her conversation.
When she finally got her connection, she had to repeat three separate
times the litany that Miss Werkenthin was ill and could not come.
“One moment, please, I’ll connect you with the office,” said the first,
very courteous voice.
“Wait a minute, I’ll give you the manager,” said the second less
affably.
“So,” said the third sharp voice, “so Miss Werkenthin is sick. Well, the
doctor will decide that! He’ll be at her room in a quarter of an hour.”
“Miss Werkenthin is not at her room,” said Myra with a throbbing heart.
“She is at my room.”
“And who are you anyway?”
“A friend of Miss Werkenthin.” No, not even if they had broken her on
the rack would Myra have told him her name. “Miss Werkenthin was
visiting me and she fainted.”
She heard the mocking intonation with which the voice repeated, “She
went to a friend’s house and fainted!”
Another voice hoarse with rage, shouted into the mouthpiece, “She’s
drunk, huh?”
Myra heard somebody being dragged away and pacified, and more rude
muttering. “Morphine, coke and alcohol, one after the other!”
“Tell your friend,” this was the first sharp voice, and the contemptuous
“your friend” was like a blow to Myra, “that while I can understand her
preferring the pleasure of your company to an appearance on my stage, I
can also assure her that it is no pleasure at all for me to pay her a
high wage for nothing or less than nothing. Miss Werkenthin must come
with a doctor’s certificate tomorrow or she will be dismissed.”
The receiver was hung up with a bang.
For a painful moment Myra considered phoning the doctor. Perhaps he
could be moved to write a certificate.
But she would have to give her name and address. She would have to meet
this strange man and take him into her room. She was boiling with
indignation. How had she been precipitated into all this?
She returned to her room without making a sound. When she saw her things
scattered on the floor, another wave of anger swept over her.
She did not want to go out. But neither did she like to see everything
ransacked and thrown about in this fashion.
She turned a chair so that its back was to the desolation in the room
and on the divan. She picked up a scientific work and endeavored to
concentrate on it. On the divan, the regular breathing was so hoarse and
harsh that it seemed not to come from that delicate body. The disorder
behind her signified disturbance too. It was as if the open drawers and
doors were uttering a cry for help. And she seemed to have eyes in the
back of her head which could see through the easy-chair to the pieces of
paper and batiste which stood out white against the dark carpet.
The walking and talking ceased outside. It grew still in the room, still
in the house.
The heat died down, the room became colder and colder.
The cold crept from the floor into Myra’s legs. She drew up her feet on
the chair, but that did not help for long.
Beside her on the floor lay Gisela’s coat. She picked it up and wrapped
it around her knees. A cloud of dust rose from it. Disgusted, she threw
it back on the carpet.
She was shivering with cold and agitation and weariness.
Long after midnight she got up to fetch her own coat from the nearest
chair. Her limbs were stiff and hurt at every move. As cautiously as she
stepped the boards creaked, and Gisela started up with a cry.
Her eyelids were swollen thick, her hair hung in tangled strands around
her pale, haggard face.
“Who’s there?” she cried. “Oh, it’s you, Myra!” She laughed slightly
embarrassed. “I thought it was someone breaking in!”
“I called up the Trocadero,” said Myra quietly and wearily. “I think
Kayser himself answered the telephone. You missed the performance. He
was very angry. You have to bring a doctor’s certificate in the morning,
or he’ll let you go.”
“Let him,” said Gisela scornfully. “He’s ridiculous with his threats!”
Myra shrugged her shoulders. “Perhaps you can tell him that yourself
tomorrow. It was unpleasant enough to let myself be treated by such a
man as if it were my fault.”
“Poor Myra.” It sounded sincerely remorseful and without a trace of
sarcasm. “You don’t know how bad you make me feel. Must your poor little
bourgeois soul with its thousand cares be worried about me!” She worked
her way out from under the blanket. “I was pretty much in my right mind
before, when I was looking for the revolver, believe me! I know exactly
what I am worth, and what is best for my own sake and everybody else’s.”
She sat on the divan, gazing gloomily at her slender legs in their black
silk stockings.
“My mother always prophesied that I’d end in the gutter. Even when I was
a little girl. And I must end soon if it isn’t to be there. I’m sick,
tomorrow I may be breadless. My voice is gone, ruined. Tomorrow I’ll be
hunting a lover at the club, the day after at the café, the week after
on the street.”
She raised her face which was bathed in tears.
“Give me your revolver, Myra, I beg you. You’ll be doing a good deed.
I’ll write a farewell letter so that you won’t be under suspicion. I beg
you, have mercy on me!”
“I haven’t got it any more,” Myra lied. “I’ve hidden it.” At that moment
she felt it hanging heavily in the loose bulge on her shirtwaist so that
the collar was like a tight narrow band around her neck.
“What will happen now?” she thought. “I’ll never get rid of her. It will
go on like this. I’ll find her in my room every time I come home. She
won’t have a job any longer, and no money. She’ll stick to me like a
burr. And that’s what my life will be like! Why should all this have
happened? How have I deserved it? Only because I let myself be pleased
by her affection. Has she any claim on me because of that, have I given
myself into her hands body and soul?”
Shivering with cold, Gisela crossed her bare arms over her breast.
“It’s cold here,” she said. “Why didn’t you come to bed, poor little
beastie? It must certainly be very late—much too late for me to catch a
car home. Ah, I feel changed. Come, Myra girl, let us both come to bed
so that we’ll be warm. Do you feel as deathly cold as I do?”
“No,” said Myra curtly. “Lie down. I want to read a little more. I’m
still too wide awake.”
“I’ll lie close to the wall,” Gisela said. “You’ll have room.”
“Yes, yes, thanks!”
Myra sat perfectly still again in her deep easy-chair. Again the weight
of the revolver made a fine tight band across her neck. She reflected on
her conduct and became dizzy as if she saw an abyss which she had
crossed without having been aware of its terrible depth.
Had not a voice within her cried only a moment before, “Do it! Give her
the revolver! Let her make an end of it, and then you’ll have peace!”
If she had done that, there would have been a shot, blood and brains
would have spurted, a corpse would be lying in her room, or a dying
woman.
She, Myra Rudloff, would have committed a murder!
Out of cowardliness, out of love of comfort, out of petty pitiful
selfishness. She had already committed that murder in her mind. All that
had been needed was an innocent lifting of her hand....
And then....
She shuddered and cowered.
From the bed came a deep regular breathing.
Myra’s mouth twisted into a scornful smile.
“But she would not have done it,” she thought, “she’d never have done
it.”
* * * * *
A highroad stretched away toward the light. In the dark shadowy corners
that the sun never reached, little stained rotting patches of snow were
still lying. The fruit trees at either side of the road were laden with
little ball-like buds on which a white streak was already discernible.
The woods in the distance were enveloped in a reddish veil that
betokened new life.
Myra and Sophie were wandering along the road.
“God, it’s beautiful,” said Myra, opening her mouth to draw the pure
invigorating air into her lungs. “It was a wonderful idea of Nora’s to
chase us both out!”
“Nora always has wonderful ideas,” said Sophie with a happy,
affectionate pride. “She always knows what I need and what will do me
good much better than I do myself. For the most part I never know what
is the matter with me. Actually, I feel uncomfortable and I don’t know
whether I should like to sleep, eat or go for a walk. Then Nora says to
me, ‘You ought to lie down,’ or ‘you need to get out into the air’—and
it’s always the right thing.”
“Good God, how beautiful the world is!” Myra exulted. “Oh, Sophus, I’m
so insanely grateful to you for making me conscious again!”
“We will walk often in the open together,” said Sophie. “I’ll show you
all the things that I looked at a hundred times long ago, very long ago,
at a period when I was desperately lonely and devoured by the need of
some human soul to whom I could show them. We must come here when the
fruit trees are in bloom, and afterwards, when the whole woods is a
garden of dog-roses and May-flowers, and in September when the leaves
have turned.” She seized Myra’s hand, clasping the wrist with a grip so
firm that it was almost painful. “You must not go away—that was all
nonsense that I preached to you before. We’ll have to put your life to
rights here. We must find something for you to do, and you must furnish
a nice little home so that you don’t have to remain in that horrible
pension. Then you’ll come after work and chat with us and once a week
we’ll have to declare a holiday and run around the mountains from
morning till night.” Suddenly she changed her tone and said with an
amusing dryness, “And then when we’re tired out, we’ll stand on some
declivity where we can smell the dinner that God destined for us,
steaming out of the chimney pots below, and we won’t be able to get
down....”
“We’ll get down!” said Myra confidently. “If for no other reason,
because we can’t do anything else. Or shall we turn aside from our goal
to seek an easier way? Never!”
At first, while their feet sank in the rustling leaves, the going was
easy. But during the last stage, just on a level with the roofs, above
the road, there were more pines and spruces and the ground was strewn
with needles which in the bright sunlight were smoother than a waxed
floor.
Sophie who was accustomed from childhood to the ups and downs of
mountains, though she was somewhat out of practice of late, was
nevertheless much surer-footed than Myra, who looked for a supporting
branch from step to step. Sophie stretched out her hand to her, but Myra
declined it ambitiously. Whereupon both of them began to laugh at
themselves, at one another, at their little adventure, at the quips they
shouted. All that was necessary was for one of them to warn the other
that he might slip, to turn the laughter they were trying to suppress
into a peal of childish merriment. Myra laughed until the tears came
into her eyes. She was no longer watching where she stepped. Suddenly
her feet slipped, a branch which she caught at snapped and remained in
her hands. She would certainly have fallen had not Sophie, whose one
foot was supported against a root, stooped and caught her and held her
upright. They remained for a moment breast to breast, hot, laughing,
panting for breath, while their pulses throbbed. At the same moment both
became serious. Their faces bent one toward the other—humbly,
ineluctably, lips were laid against lips.
Myra closed her eyes. She felt Sophie’s feverish mouth on her eyelids,
her temples, her cheeks. She heard her hot voice in a whisper.
“Don’t move, don’t resist, or we will both go plunging down!”
She had no thought of resisting. She had no thought of moving. She stood
motionless. Her heart seemed to expand, to grow warm. It seemed to her
as if she must flower under these caresses like a young tree in May.
They ate lunch under a friendly enticing red roof, and crossing the
silvery lake, wandered toward the station. At times they were
boisterous, at times sentimental, but always courteously reserved on the
personal theme. They spoke of a thousand things, but not of themselves,
not of that which both were thinking and feeling.
At the small station, they sat with other people, silent and tired,
waiting for the train. The darkness set in early. The little lanterns
cast a melancholy light through the blue dusk. Myra began to feel cold,
and pressed her face against her raised coat collar.
At last the train came. They both looked for an empty compartment
without stating their intention. They found one and climbed in.
“Now everything will be all right,” thought Myra. “I will lay my head on
her shoulder and she will say gentle, nice things to me. Then this cold
feeling will go away.”
Sophie sat beside her, leaning slightly forward, and stared out the
window without saying a word—for a long, a long, long time. Outside,
fields and forest glided by, shrouded deeper and deeper in the twilight,
broken at rare intervals by a lighted window, a solitary lantern. At
last Sophie turned her face to Myra, a face which in the feeble glow of
the flickering little gas-lamp looked grave, deathly pale and tense in
every feature.
“I told you something this morning, Myra,” she began awkwardly,
stammering, and yet it sounded as if she had spent the last hour
learning it by heart. “Just recollect it as if it were the only thing I
had said or done. I told you to go away from here! And now I beg you if
you bear me the least—good will—‘Go away from here!’ I’ve known for
almost thirty years that I cannot live without Nora. I’ve proved it to
myself. I went to the bad in every sense when I lost contact with her,
and I became a human being and a worker at the moment she came to me. I
have lived for five years in the conviction that I am unequivocally
happy. I dare not let anything shake that conviction. I dare not ever
think that there is another possibility in life for me than Nora. She
would feel it and she would go. She endures her sufferings solely
because she is an absolute necessity to me. She would end it all if she
knew that I was happy for as much as an hour without her. Perhaps you
like us so well that it will be a real sacrifice to give up your
friendly relations with us. I would almost say, I hope so.” She bowed
her head very low so that Myra should not see the quivering of her lips.
“But I know that you will make this sacrifice because you have an
intimation of what is involved. I have overestimated my powers. It is
very bad to have to confess that to you. When you are gone, I will
confess it to Nora. But not now, as long as it might deprive her of her
peace for a moment. And I would not find the right voice in which to
tell it now!” She stared out the window again.
Myra’s throat was parched.
“Of course,” she said without thinking, “naturally.” And again, “Yes, of
course, naturally!” without knowing what she meant by it.
When the train stopped, Sophie jumped out and caught Myra’s elbow in
order to assist her. But she relinquished it again at once, and both
smiled with hurt and embarrassment.
They took leave of one another on the platform with a firm squeeze of
the hand.
“Get home safely, child,” said Sophie, “and get safely through life. And
I thank you—for everything.”
“And I you,” answered Myra in a lifeless voice.
Then she dropped the good firm hand.
For a moment their eyes met, stole one into the other’s, then they
shifted again, as if frightened, to some bright point in the distance.
Sophie turned. She plunged both hands in her pockets, bent her head and
strode away.
For a while she continued to tower above the crowds of hurrying people,
then her tall figure was submerged and disappeared.
Slowly, with heavy footsteps, Myra turned toward the opposite stairway.