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[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 20.]
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
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83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
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THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
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* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
AN ADAPTATION.
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.
CHAPTER XII.
FOR THE BEST.
Miss CAROWTHERS'S educational hotbed of female innocence was about to
undergo desolation by the temporary dispersal of its intellectual buds
and blossoms to their native soils, therefrom to fill home-atmospheres
with the mental fragrance of "all the branches." Holiday Week drew near,
when, as Miss CAROWTHERS Ritually expressed it, "all who were true
believers of the American Church of England in their hearts would softly
celebrate the devout Yearly Festival of Apostolic Christianity, by
decking the Only True Church with symbolical evergreens over places
where the paint was scratched off, and receiving New Year's Calls
without intoxicating liquors." In honor of this approaching solemn
season of peace on earth, good will to young men, the discipline of
Macassar Female College was slightly relaxed: Bible-studies were no
longer rigorously inflicted as a punishment for criminal absence of all
punctuation from English Composition, and any Young Lady whose father
was good pay could actually sneeze in her teacup without being locked
into her own room on bread-and-water until she was truly penitent for
her sin and wished she was a Christian. Consequently, an air of unusual
license pervaded the Alms-House; woman's rights meetings were held at
the heads of stairways to declare, that, whereas MARY AMANDA PARKINSON'S
male second-cousin has promised to meet her at the railroad station, and
thereby made her pretend to us that the letter was from her father, when
all the time ANN LOUISA BAKER accidentally caught sight of the words "My
Precious MOLLY" while looking for her scissors in the wrong drawer, and
therefore, be it Resolved, that we wish he knew about one shoulder being
a little higher than the other, (as she _knows_ the dressmaker told
her,) and about that one red whisker under the left hand corner of her
chin which she might as well stop trying to keep cut off; dark
assemblages resembling walking lobsters were convened in special
dormitories at night, to compare brothers and tell how they Byronically
said that they never should care for women again after what they had
sacrificed for them in the horse-cars without so much as a "Thank you,
sir," but if they ever _could_ be brought to liking a girl now, it would
be on account of her not pretending to care for anything but money and a
husband's early grave; and very white parties of pleasure were organized
in the halls, at ghostly hours, to go down to the cupboard for a
mince-pie under pretense of hearing burglars, and subsequently to drink
the mince-pie from curl-papers, accompanied by whispers of "H'sh! don't
eat the crust so loud, or Miss CAROWTHERS 'll think it's a man."
In addition to these signs of impending freedom, trunks were packed in
the rooms, with an adeptness of getting in things with springs twice as
wide as any trunk, and of laying cologne-bottles, fans, and brushes,
between objects with ruffles so as to perfectly protect the latter, that
would have put the most conceited old bachelor to shame. Affected
tenderly by thoughts of a separation which, so ridiculously uncertain is
human life, might be forever, the young ladies who couldn't bear each
other, and had been quite sorry for each other because she couldn't help
it with such a natural disposition and rough forehead as hers, poor
thing!--graciously made-up with each other, in case they should not meet
again until in Heaven.--You will not think any more, HENRIETTA
TOMLINSON, of what I told you about AUGUSTUS SMITH'S remarks to me that
Sunday coming out of chapel. I _didn't_ let you know before, my dear,
but when he had the impudence to say that one of your eyebrows was
longer than the other, and that you had a sleepy look as though a little
more in the upper-story wouldn't hurt you, I stood up for you, and told
him he ought to be ashamed to talk so on Sunday about you, after you'd
taken such pains to please him. That's just all there was about that
whole thing, HENRIETTA, dear, and now I hope we may part friends.--Why
_shouldn't_ we, MARTHA JENKINS? I'm sure _I've_ never been the one to be
unfriendly, and when Mr. SMITH told _me_, that he guessed my friend Miss
JENKINS didn't know how much she walked like a camel, I was as sarcastic
as I could be, and said I didn't know before that _gentlemen_ ever made
_fun_ of natural deformities.--Yes, HENRIETTA, my love, I know how
you've _always,_ te-he! spoken well of _everybody_ behind their backs.
Gentlemen give _you_ their confidence as soon as they see you, without a
_bit_ of fishing for it on _your_ part, and then you have a chance to
befriend your poor friends.--Oh, well, MARTHA, darling, there's no need
of your getting provoked because I wouldn't hear you called a camel--he!
he!--after you'd been so angelic with him about stepping on the middle
back-breadth of your poplin--"Oh, _never_ mind it at _all-l_, Mayistah
SA-MITH; it's of _No-o_ consequence!" Te-he-he-he! When _is_ it to come
off, Miss TOMLINSON? When does your AUGUSTUS finally reward your
_perseverance_ with his big red hand?--I haven't asked him yet,
Precious! out of regard for your feelings. He's _so_ sensitive about
having any one think he's _jilted_ her; quite ridiculous, I tell
him.--HENRIETTA TOMLINSON! you--you'd get on your _knees_ to make a man
look at you: EVERYbody says _that!_--But then, you know, MARTHA JENKINS,
there are persons who wouldn't be looked at much, even if they did go on
their knees for it, _lovey_.--M'm'm! Ph'h'h! Please keep by your _own_
trunk, HENRIETTA. I don't want anything _stolen,_ Miss!--He! he! Of
course I'll go, MARTHA. There's so _much_ danger of my stealing your old
rags!--_Don't_ provoke me to slap you, Miss!--Who are _you_ pushing
against, _Camel?_--Aow-aouw-k!--Ah-h-h!--R-r-r-r'p, sl'p, p'l-'l Miss
CROWTHERS' coming!!----And thus to usher in the merry, merry Christmas
time of peace on earth, good will to young men.
At noon on the Saturday preceding Holiday-Week, Miss CAROWTHERS,
assisted by her adjutant, Mrs. PILLSBURY, had a Reception in the
Cackleorium, when emaciated lemonade and tenacious gingerbread were
passed around, and the serene conqueror of Breachy, Mr. BLODGETT,
addressed the assembled sweetness. Ladies, the wheel of Time, who, you
know, is usually represented as a venerable man of Jewish aspect with a
scythe, had brought around once more a festival appealing to all the
finer feelings of our imperfect nature. Throbbed there a heart in any of
our bos-hem!--in any of the superstructures of our waists, that did not
respond with joy and gladness to the sentiment of such a season? In view
of Christmas, Ladies, did we say, in the words of--an acceptable
Ritualistic translation from the Breviary--
"Day of vengeance, without morrow,
Earth shall end in flame and sorrow,
As from saint and seer we borrow?"
No; that was not our style. We saw in Christmas a happy time to forgive
all our friends, to forget all our enemies at the groaning board, and to
keep on remembering the poor. Might we find all our relatives well in
the homes we were about to revisit, and ready to liquidate our little
semi-annual expenses of tuition. Might we find neighborhoods willing to
take the resumption of piano-practicing in the forgiving spirit of the
Christmas-time, and to accept the singing of Italian airs, at late
hours, with the tops of windows down, as occurrences not to be profanely
criticized in sleepless beds at a time of year when all animosities
should be repressed. With love for all mankind, Ladies, where it was
strictly proper, we would now separate until after the Holidays, wishing
each other a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Then ensued
leave-takings all around; terminating with a delicate consciousness on
the part of each young lady present that she was not to be entirely
without escort on her way to her home, inasmuch as there was a BILL
prepared to go with her and be presented to her parents.
A number of times had FLORA POTTS witnessed this usual breaking up,
without any other sensation at herself being left behind in the
Alms-House than one of relief from incessant attempts of dearest friends
to find out what Mr. E. DROOD wrote about longing to clasp her again, in
his last; and on this occasion she came near being really happy in
having her dear MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON to remain with her. MAGNOLIA had
never mentioned EDWIN'S name since the virtual compact between herself,
and her brother, and Mr. SIMPSON, on the Pond shore; which was, perhaps,
carrying woman's friendship rather too far to the other extreme:--she
might as least have said, "Are you thinking of something commencing with
a D.?" once in a while:--but the Flowerpot, while slightly wondering, of
course, found a pleasant change in a companion of her own sex and age
who was not always raising the D. in conversation.
A lovely scene was it, and maddening to masculine imagination, when so
many of Miss POTTS'S blooming young schoolmates kissed her good-bye in
the porch, and gave her a last chance to tell them what he _had_
written, then. It was charming to see that willed-away little creature,
without her enamel, waving farewell to the stages departing for the
ferry; and to hear the disappearing ones calling out to her: "By-bye,
FLORA, dear; EDDY ought to see you now with your natural complexion."
"_Au revoir_, Pet You'd better hurry in now; here comes a man!"
"Don't stay out in the sun for us, Darling, or the belladonna may lose
its effect."
Oh, rosebud-garden of girls! Oh, fresh young blossoms, to which we of
the male and cabbage growth are as cheap vegetables! Cling together
while ye may in the fair bouquet of sweet school friendship, of musical
parlor-sisterhood. So shall your thorns be known only to each other in
such fragrant clustering, and never known at all to Men unless they
insensately persist in giving you their hands.
While the Flowerpot was thus receiving fond good-byes, EDWIN DROOD, on
his way to see her, suffered an indecision of purpose which might have
bred disquiet in a more gigantic mind than his. With the package
containing the memorial stay-lace in one pocket, and his hands in two
others, he strode up the Bumsteadville turnpike in a light overcoat and
a brown study. But for good Mr. DIBBLE'S undeniably truthful picture of
a modern lover's actual situation, he might have allowed matters to go
as they would, and sunk into an early marriage without one prayer to
Heaven for mercy. Now, however, that picture troubled him even more than
the bump which he had got upon his head from the tilting table in the
lawyer's office, and he was disposed to send the stay-lace back to the
candid old man. "FLORA and I have about equal intellects," reasoned he
to himself. "Shall I leave the whole question to her, or my own
decision! One would be about as profound in wisdom as the other. Which?
I guess I'll toss-up for it."
He stepped aside from the road, under a leafless tree, and drew from a
pocket a badly speckled nickel coin. "Heads for her, tails for me," he
said, with some awe in his tone. The tasteful coin was tossed, and
"Heads" stared up at him from the frozen ground. "It's her inning," he
muttered, and, re-pocketing the money and his hands, went on whistling.
Thus the great crises of our laborious human lives are settled by the
idle inspiration of a moment, and fate, for good, or evil, comes as it
is cent.
The Flowerpot, expecting him, was ready in her walking dress, and, by
tacit permission of Miss CAROWTHERS, the two started upon a promenade
for the nearest confidential cross-road, each eating half of an apple
which Mr. DROOD had brought to disguise his feelings.
"My dear, absurd EDDY," said FLORA, when they had arrived in a secluded
lane not far from St. Cow's Church, "I want to give you something very
serious, and oh! I'm so ridiculously nervous about doing so,--especially
after your giving me this apple."
"Never mind the apple, FLORA. It was the fruit of our First Parents, and
has constituted the most available pie of the poor ever since. Don't
allow it to fetter your freedom of speech, and please try to eat it
without such a gashing noise."
"Thank you, EDDY. You have always been liberal with me. And now are you
sure you won't be absurdly angry with me if I give you something?"
He fell away from her a moment, as half anticipating a kiss, but
promised that he would restrain his temper.
"Then here you are, EDDY;" and she drew from a pocket in her dress and
held out to him a small worsted mitten.
"You give this to me?" he said, accepting it, and tossing it from one
hand to the other, as though it were something hot.
"Yes, dear, ridiculous friend; and from this day forth let us give up
the cold indifference of people engaged to each other, and be as truly
affectionate as brother and sister."
"Never get married?"
"Not to each other."
Under the ecstatic influence of the moment, the emancipated young
bondman began dancing and turning somersaults like one possessed but,
quickly remembering himself, hastened to regain a perpendicular position
at her side, and coughed energetically, as though, the recent gymnastics
had been prescribed for his cold.
"My own sister!" he exclaimed, "a weight is now lifted from both of our
minds, and both of us should be the better for the lifting-cure It is
noble in you to let me off so."
"And it's perfectly splendid in you, EDDY, to make no horrid fuss about
it."
The beautiful contest of generosities between these two young souls made
each as tender toward the other as though the parents of both had been
alive and frantically opposed to their mutual attachment.
"We are both sorry that we have ever had any absurd engagement between
us," said FLORA, with a manner of exquisite softness, "and now, that we
are like brother and sister, we need not be all the time playing the
Pretty with each other, and needn't be putting on our best things every
time we have to meet. You think that my hair always curls in this way,
don't you, EDDY?"
"Why, you don't mean to say, FLORA, that it's _all_--"
"--False? No, you absurd thing! But curling irons, and oil, and crimping
pins have to be used hours and hours."
"Ha! ha!" laughed EDWIN DROOD, "I see the point; you've had to make-up
for me. Now I dare say that you have thought my boots, which I have worn
in your company, were the right size for me? They're really one and a
half sizes too small, and almost kill me. As for gloves, I never wear
any at all except when I come to see you."
"And my complexion, dear brother?"
"Oh, I know all about that, darling sister. I couldn't find any fault
with _that_, so long as my own seal-ring, which you thought so
rich-looking, was only plated."
The little creature burst into a laugh of delight, and pressed his arm
with sisterly enthusiasm. "And we can be perfectly honest with each
other; can't we, EDDY? As a partnership for life until death should us
part is no longer our object, we have no need to utterly deceive each
other in everything."
"No," answered the equally happy young man; "as we're not trying to
marry now, we may as well drop the swindle."
"And just suppose we'd gone on and got married," cried the Flowerpot
with dancing eyes. "When it was too late, you'd have found out what I
really was--"
"And you'd have found _me_ out," interrupted EDWIN, vivaciously.
"I should have wanted more expenditure upon myself, for giving me my
proper place in society, than you, with your limited means, could have
possibly afforded.--"
"And I should have told you it would ruin me--"
"And that would have made me more disappointed in you than ever, and
provoked me to call you a pauper-monster.--"
"And then I would have twitted you about being anything but an heiress
yourself when I married you--"
"--Which would have thrown me into hysterics--"
"--Which would have made _me_ lock you up in your room, and leave the
house--"
"--For which _I_ would have sued you for an Indiana divorce--"
"--Thus driving _me_ to commit suicide--"
--"And bringing myself under a cruel public prejudice seriously
detrimental to my future prospects."
Gloriously excited and made nearly breathless by their friendly rivalry
in thus specifying what must have been the successive results of their
union without plenty of money, the animated pair panted at each other in
a kind of imaginative intoxication, and then shook hands almost
deliriously.
In a moment after, however, Mr. DROOD thrust his hands into his pockets
and presented an aspect of sudden discomfiture.
"I forgot about my uncle, JACK BUMSTEAD," he said, uneasily. "It will be
a dreadful blow for JACK: he's counted so much upon my having a wife for
him to flirt with.--There he is, now!"
"_Where_?"
"Amongst those trees down there--Look!"
In a small grove, skirting the road some distance behind them, Mr.
BUMSTEAD could indeed be seen, dodging wildly from one tree to another
in an extraordinary manner, and occasionally leaping high in the air and
slashing excitedly around him with his alpaca umbrella. A hoop from a
barrel, possibly cast out upon the road by somebody, had, apparently,
become entangled around the legs and in the coat-tails of the
Ritualistic organist; and he, in his extreme nervous sensibility,
precipitately mistaking it for one of his old enemies, the snakes, had
evidently fled headlong with it as far as the grove, and was there
engaging it in frantic single-combat.
"Oh, take me home, at once, please!" begged FLORA, alarmed at the
remarkable sight.
"Poor dear old fellow!" exclaimed her companion, obediently hurrying
onward with her, "I shall never have the heart to tell him of our
separation, and must leave it to your guardian. He'll think he's been
the cause of it, by stealing your heart from me.--Here he comes!"
They had barely time to conceal themselves in the Macassar porch, when,
with umbrella in full play, and the barrel-hoop half-way up to his
waist, Mr. BUMSTEAD came bounding along the turnpike with frenzied
agility. "Shoo! 'S'cat, you viper! Get out!" cried he; and stopped, with
an unearthly culminating scream of terror, immediately in front of the
Alms-House, where the hoop suddenly fell at his feet. A moment he beat
his fallen enemy with the umbrella, as though madly striving to actually
hammer it into the earth; then, as suddenly, suspended his attack,
stooped low to eye his victim more closely, and, with a fierce pounce,
had it in his grasp. "Was it only thisss?" he hissed, holding it at
arm's length: "Sold again: signed, J. BUMSTEAD." And, hanging it over
his umbrella, he stalked moodily onward.
"What a struggle his whole lonely life is!" said EDWIN DROOD, coming out
from the porch.
FLORA'S parting look, as she entered the door, was as though she had
said, "Oh! don't you understand?" But the young man went away
unconscious of its meaning.
(_To be Continued_.)
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE NEXT THING TO IT."
SCENE--NORTH ADAMS.
_Butcher, (who is not quite prepared for the new order of things, to
Chinese delegation:)_ "WELL, WE'RE JUST OUT OF DOG, BUT WE'VE SOME
FIRST-RATE SAUSAGES."]
* * * * *
A SEASONABLE PARODY.
Three women went waddling out into the surf,
Out into the surf at Newport town;
Each wore a bath suit of the very best,
Costing as much as a wedding-gown.
For men must work, and women must lave,
And what men earn their wives don't save,
Though husbands they be moaning.
Three brokers sat up at three high desks,
And balanced their books as the sun went down;
Each "poring" o'er ledgers that wouldn't come straight,
Each wrapped in a study disgustingly brown.
For men must sweat, and women keep cool,
And woman will ever be fashion's fool,
Though husbands they be moaning.
Three names are struck from the Gold Board's books,
Three brokers' sign-boards are taken down;
Three men are busy "seeing their friends,"
Borrowing money to get out of town.
For men must break if women must waste,
And it costs a deal to be "people of taste,"
So good-bye to the fools and their moaning.
* * * * *
OUR PORTFOLIO.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: You may have heard of a slight breeze recently
stirring at the Custom House, consequent upon the removal of Mr.
GRINNELL and the appointment of the Hon. THOMAS MURPHY. The savage
feelings which this event aroused have sufficiently subsided to allow a
plain statement of the causes which led to it. At the time, it was the
opinion of many that our worthy Chief Magistrate, convinced that things
were getting along too smoothly in this State, had determined to infuse
new life into both men and measures here. He didn't find it such a hard
job "infusing" the measures, but when he came to the men all the usual
machinery failed, and he had to get out a new patent battering-ram to
wake them up. Such, I say, at least, was the popular impression,
confirmed by the subsequent appearance of the persons against whom its
operations were directed; but the initiated knew better. A few months
ago a private commission, whose expenses were defrayed out of the Secret
Service Fund, was sent to California to explore the region thereabouts
for any hitherto undiscovered connection of the GRANT genealogical tree.
For a long time the search was in vain, but finally the commission
unearthed a chap in the mining district, who hadn't heard of LEE'S
surrender yet, but whose sister had married a nephew of Mrs. GRANT'S
brother-in-law. The poor fellow was promptly captured, combed and
curried, and shipped East via Pacific Railroad, with a label across his
back inscribed,
"Care of HIS EXCELLENCY, U. S. GRANT,
C.O.D."
_Washington, D.C._
On his arrival the express charges were duly paid, and he was billeted
at the White House, while orders were sent to the heads of the different
departments to report what vacancies existed. Brief replies were
returned from each, to the effect that another straw laid on the camel's
back would break it, and, moved by a constitutional antipathy to
breaking camel's backs, the President desisted from his efforts in those
quarters. In this dilemma, the usual recourse was had to the New York
Custom House, and Mr. GRINNELL was sounded as to what he could do for
the last of the GRANTS. This is what he wrote:
"Not even standing-room left. I have more branches of your genealogical
tree now than would serve to thatch the Capitol. The federal turkey at
this port is stuffed to bursting. You may think that the old Exchange
Building, which we now occupy, is a secure building, and so it is, but I
don't think it could hold me if another 'connection' is coming. My blue
book divides these family contributions to the service of the country
into three orders, viz.: 'GRANT,' 'DENT,' and 'SHARPE.' Of the order
'GRANT' I have fifteen in the cellar, forty-seven on the first and
second floors, and ten in the attic; of the order 'DENT, 'nineteen on
the two floors, seven in the attic, and seventeen in the cellar, and of
the order 'SHARPE,' so many that I have engaged the Lightning Calculator
of the _World_ to compute them. Your Excellency will perceive that my
situation is something like that of a commander who is troubled with too
many officers, and if I should be attacked you will Grant that it would
take some pretty Sharp practice to make even a Dent in the armor of my
adversary.
"The best I can do is to request you to authorize the creation of a new
office, such as Supervision of Custom House Cobwebs, Keeper of the Water
Tanks, or Statistician of Distilled Spirits consumed by Revenue Officers
during the ensuing fiscal year, and then, on condition that he will
never show his face in my office again, I will appoint your California
offering to the place.
Your disgusted friend and servant,
MOSES."
When the President read this epistle, he was so agitated that he put the
lighted end of his segar in his mouth, but did not discover his mistake
until Secretary FISH observed the ashes coming from his nose, and with
an air of mock solicitude asked:
"Does your Excellency experience any internal symptoms of a volcanic
character, for I perceive that the crater is working?" pointing to the
Presidential olfactory, while the owner sneezed a fresh volley of ashes
through it.
"It don't make any difference if I do," tartly responded ULYSSES, "but I
tell you what it is, FISH, I'm going to build a little volcano under
MOSE GRINNELL'S chair that'll 'hist' _somebody_ when it breaks out."
Saying which he threw the late Collector's missive towards the
piscatorial premier, and hurriedly left the room.
The above is a genuine narrative, collected from authoritative data, and
may be relied upon when all other means of ascertaining the truth fail.
Yours, historically,
DICK TINTO.
* * * * *
THE WATERING PLACES.
PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
On the portico of the Mountain House, in the Catskills, Mr. PUNCHINELLO
had the honor of being welcomed by Prof. AGASSIZ, Mr. P. had just
arrived, and his valise was in his hand; but the Professor insisted on a
little conversation with him.
"In spite of the crowds at these summer resorts," said this learned man,
"one seldom meets with any one who takes an interest in science."
Mr. P. bowed, and mentally resolved to rub up his stock of
polytechnology for the occasion.
"I am glad, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," continued the Professor, "that you have
not neglected science in your excellent journal. You have had some
admirable treatises on natural history. The country is your debtor,
sir."
Mr. P. bowed again, and hoped, in his inmost heart, that the country
would soon pay up.
"I must admit that I am disappointed here--in several ways. In the first
place, I have not found a single glacier."
"No glaciers!" cried Mr. P., in surprise.
"No sir, not one, and I can find no sign of the Triassic period."
"Oh no!" said Mr. P. "Not now. That was several years ago, when GEORGE
FRANCIS TRAIN, COLORADO JEWETT, and DAN RICE's celebrated little donkey
were here. They're all gone now."
The Professor looked up a little surprised at these remarks, but went on
with his complaints. "And not a trace of cleavable pyroxene," said he.
"Pie rock!" said Mr. P. to himself. "I'm glad it isn't seen. Have these
geologists got to that?"
"I hoped, too," continued the Professor, "to get a little scoria."
"Oh!" said Mr. P. "You wanted to run up a little score here. Well sir, I
think, in your case, that might be done--in fact, I've no doubt of it."
"I fear you do not quite understand me," said the Professor. "I have not
found here what I had expected. To be sure, I met with a little
gneiss----"
"Ah! a little niece," said Mr. P., rubbing his hands. "Well, now, that
must be pleasant I am very glad indeed to hear it. It will certainly
make the place much more agreeable for you."
"Yes,--" said the Professor, "but it don't amount to much. I wanted
particularly to find on these mountains some traces of their having once
been a part of the shores of the ocean----"
"Oh!" cried Mr. P., "I can help you there. I can show you a fine
BEACH,--if that is what you want."
"You can?" exclaimed the Professor. "With shells?"
"I don't know about that," said Mr. P., "but there he is, in the
bar-room--he keeps the house--and you can ask him yourself about the
shells."
Mr. P. now took occasion to hurry after the waiter to his room, but he
heard the muttered thunder of a German-storm below him as he rapidly
climbed the stairs. He had a very nice room in the extreme upper part of
the house, and the view was charming.
To the East one could see the Hudson-"winding like a silver thread;" the
distant Bay of Fundy; and the foggy shores of Newfoundland.
To the South were distinctly visible the blue Juniata; the bold arch of
the Natural Bridge; and the long lines of shipping at New Orleans; while
in the West, the setting sun could be seen glowing upon the walls of the
Yo Semite, and gilding the tops of the big trees in the Mariposa valley.
After feasting his eyes on this magnificent prospect, Mr. P. came
down-stairs to feast on something which owed its enchantment to a
cooking-range, and not to a range of distance. He met the Professor at
the bottom of the stairs, and hastened to pacify him by inquiries about
some little bushes that he had just gathered.
"That is laurel," said the learned man, grumly.
"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "We make lard of that in New York."
"Lard?" cried the Professor. "I never heard of such a thing."
"Oh, yes, certainly!" said Mr. P.
"Have you never heard of the great LORILLARD manufacturing
establishment?"
"Never;" said AGASSIZ, "and I'll go and see it the very day I reach the
city."
The next day Mr. P. made the ascent of High Peak. Everybody does that;
and so, with a small party, Mr. P. started out--gaily enough. On
reaching the place where the heavy climbing begins, they met the New
York Fat Men's Club coming down, and the peculiar appearance of the
members deterred most of Mr. P.'s party from attempting the great feat.
It was proposed that Mr. P. alone should make the ascent. He
assented--and being thus, in a manner, ordered up--went it alone.
It was not an easy thing--that climbing of High Peak--as any one will be
apt to conclude after attentively studying this picture of the ascent.
But an indomitable will can conquer all obstacles that are not too much
for it, and at last Mr. P. balanced himself on the extreme point of the
Peak. The view was so glorious that he instantly hastened down to inform
his companions that they too must not miss it upon any account. Several
of them, JOHN BINGHAM, of Ohio; SIMON CAMERON, and HENRY WILSON, of
Massachusetts, objected very strongly to the proposed climb, as they
were never in the habit of occupying very high ground. But Mr. P.
insisted that they would there obtain what they needed more than
anything else in the world, and he begged their pardon if he referred to
extended views. So at last they all went up, and when they reached the
topmost point Mr. P. placed himself so as to cut off his companions'
retreat, and then he delivered to them a discourse that they will not
soon forget.
When from his remarks, and the practical illustration which lay beneath
them, they had been made aware that it was a great country of varied
interests, and not a few little sections, for which they should
legislate, Mr. P. let them down.
The following morning, after testing an admirable specimen of
horn-blending--offered him by Mr. BEACH, and not Prof. AGASSIZ, Mr. P.
set out alone for the Kauterskill Falls. His trip was wonderful. He went
in a wagon. The scene was sublime. At one place he came across a bevy of
New York artists sketching the scenery, and their sensations when he
suddenly cut off their north light must have been peculiar. But they
regained their accustomed pallor as the old horse struggled manfully,
and the danger passed away.
At last, after an exciting ride over roads that had perhaps never been
trod before by human wheels, Mr. P. reached the great Kauterskill
Falls--that lovely freak of nature which has been celebrated in all
ages, and of which the poet says:
"The noble splash Niagara gives,
In thee, fair Kauterskill, still lives;
All but the mighty roar and size.
And clamor of wild hackmen's cries."
[Illustration]
This view of the Falls is from a sketch by Mr. P. himself.
(He will send a beautiful chromo of it--seventeen and a fourteenth by
eighteen and thirteen fifteenths of an inch--life size,--and a copy of
the paper for nine years, for thirty-four dollars and a quarter--postage
paid.)
* * * * *
COMIC ZOOLOGY.
GENUS FELIS.--THE LION.
The Lion is a Cat, and has probably been a greater Scourge to humanity
than any other of the feline race, with the exception of the nine-tailed
variety, now almost extinct. He is known in Africa as the _Rad_, an
Arabic word signifying thunder, and not, as the superficial philologist
might suppose, a contraction of the name of a political party in this
country that at present enjoys the Lion's share of the spoils. It is
true that some of the American Rads are immense brutes, but in other
respects they do not bear much resemblance to the "lord with a big head"
which infests the African and Asiatic continents. Much has been said of
the pluck and endurance of the Lion, but his heart often fails him in
the hour of danger, and he sometimes Caves in without showing as much
Bottom as is displayed by his counterfeit presentment on the stage. In
short, like the Noble Savage of our own wilds, his moral attributes have
been greatly exaggerated. He prowls through the woods at night in search
of the herbivora which constitute his prey, but generally vanishes at
the appearance of Aurora. The Rad also makes tremendous havoc among the
stock in many parts of the East, but has never been known to molest the
Bullock in Georgia.
Among the sports who have particularly distinguished themselves as
assailants of the Lion, may be mentioned SAMSON, HERCULES, NIMROD, JULES
GERARD, Captain CUMMING, Sir SAMUEL BAKER, VAN AMBURGH, and CHARLES
SUMNER, of Massachusetts. The last named gentleman, who is not generally
looked upon as an ardent votary of the Chase, some time ago attacked the
British Lion (_Leo Britannicus_) with tremendous ferocity, injuring that
somewhat superannuated beast as much as it was possible to do with a
short range air-gun at the distance of three thousand miles. For a
moment the shaggy monster looked angrily across the Main at
Massachusetts, but was soon satisfied that his antagonist was feinting,
whereupon he yawned, winked lazily at an adjacent Unicorn, and relapsed
into his customary state of doze. He evidently regards American
Lion-shooters as a Motley throng, from whom nothing serious is to be
apprehended.
Several varieties of the Lion have been domesticated in this country,
the principal of which is the Black African, mentioned by GERARD as the
most formidable of the leonine tribe. Here, however, it is tolerably
tame, and breeds faster than in Congo or Dahomey. There are two
specimens (whelps) in the West Point Menagerie, and one of more
venerable appearance, with a full mane (black and curly) in the
Zoological Collection at the Capitol in Washington. Of this breed there
are supposed to be about three millions in our Southern provinces. Some
persons are of opinion that the Lion predestined to lie down with the
snow-white lamb, in the millennium, is the Black African species, and
from the fact that instances of this kind of union are even now of
frequent occurrence, some people believe that the Reign of the Saints on
Earth has already commenced. _Nous verrons._
* * * * *
URBS IN RURE.
Having been often importuned for advice, by inexperienced persons who
are about to visit the country, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has concluded to make a
full exposition of his ideas on the subject of rural summerings, as
follows:
When you pack your wardrobes put a few spring-beds in your trunk. You
will find them less depressing than the ordinary summer beds out of
town. A hair mattress or two may be stowed in the odd corners of your
travelling bag.
Arrange, if possible, for a regular supply of Croton. The ablutionary
fluid is most difficult to be had in places where water is abundant. It
is mostly reserved for scenic purposes, and for the promotion of "the
mill-wheel's hum."
Smokers should not lumber their baggage with Partagas. Connecticut
supplies all summer resorts with the finest Havana segars.
If you cannot live without Kissingen you had better take with you the
necessary ingredients, and prepare your beverage yourself. Country
dispensaries dispense with such drinks.
No gentleman should go out of town without half a dozen high hats, in
separate packages. They are just the thing for summer rambles in the
woods. But remember to touch your beaver where the hemlock boughs are
low. White duck is recommended for travelling suits. If the weather
should moderate unexpectedly you can procure caloric at the kitchen
fire. The finest kid gloves are to be worn on fishing excursions.
Ladies should have with them as much jewelry as possible, borrowed or
otherwise. A few five-thousand-dollar dresses will be appropriate when
you go out to see the sun rise. The sun is quite fastidious about such
things, and warmly approves an effective toilette.
It will not be necessary to carry with you opera librettos. Any
well-regulated country tavern can furnish everything of that sort that
you will require.
Have a few billiard-balls in your pocket, however. In cloudy weather you
can improvise a game on the dining-room table. Travelling Chinamen will
probably furnish you with queues.
If you should be invited to try the fruit of the oak tree, on the theory
that it is the American filbert,--very superior,--you can take your
friend's word for it, without eating.
Get up early in the morning and go out to shoot Welsh rabbits for
breakfast. The exercise will improve your appetite.
Find out all the novelties you can. It is a good thing to watch the
black cat fish. Feelin' weary of that sport, you can sit on the rocks
and tell the servant to bring you the evening paper on a silver salver.
Observe carefully the auriferous sunsets among the mountains. You will
thus be enabled to determine with sufficient accuracy how gold is
"closing" in New York.
Finally, write occasional letters to the _Evening Babble_. If your name
is JONES, sign yourself "SENOJ." This thin disguise will be very pretty
and will deceive your most intimate friends. Say in your correspondence
that the tables of the house where you stay are "loaded with all the
luxuries of the season." If convenient, show your letters to the
landlord, whisper to him, "JONES _fecit_," and explain the little joke
about the signature. This courtesy may somewhat alleviate your board
bill.
* * * * *
[Illustration: VICISSITUDES OF THE NATIONAL GAME.
SKETCH OF LATE MATCH AT GOAT'S HILL, BETWEEN RIVAL CLUBS "BARE LEGS" AND
"BULLY BOYS." UMPIRE UNDERTOOK TO RESERVE HIS DECISION UPON A "FLY
CATCH." "BULLY BOYS" TOOK GAME INTO THEIR OWN HANDS, SETTLING IT AND
THEIR OPPONENTS FOR ONE SEASON AT LEAST.]
* * * * *
MY TURKISH BATH.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: It happened to be eleven o'clock some time during
yesterday forenoon.
I generally take something at that hour.
Yesterday I took a Turkish Bath.
I took a horse-car. (That, however, is neither here nor there: but it
got within two blocks of there at 11.25.) I ran up the steps of the T.B.
establishment, and wired the inmates. The door flew open, and an ideal
voter, erst a chattel (I hope I am not obscure in this deeply
interesting portion of the narrative) pointed his thumb over his
shoulder, displayed a choice assortment of ivory, and chuckled with
great natural ease. I supposed this to be a custom with the colored
population of Turkey, and passed on.
Everything was Turkish. I was struck with the order of the bath: also
the scimetary of the apartments. As I think I before remarked,--I passed
on.
The M.D. proprietor shook hands with me very cordially. I also shook
hands with him. I told him that I wanted no ceremony; but if agreeable
to him, I would gird up my loins and go in. He intimated that the only
ceremony was to fund a small portion of the contents of my pocket-book.
I am a little hard of hearing,--and I passed on.
An assistant, in the light and airy costume which I have so often
noticed in Central Africa, in midsummer, beckoned to me, after I had
laid aside a quantity of goods, (belonging to my tailor, and other
downtown business men,) and I followed him.
The room we entered was heated by what I took to be a successful
furnace. I must have been mistaken, however, for I understood the
assistant to apologise because, by reason of a defect in the flues, they
had been able to get the temperature up only to about 475 degrees that
morning. I was a little disappointed, but simply suggested that the
thermometer was Fair in Height; but if I felt chilly I would send out
for some blankets.
He laid me on a slatted conch.
I experienced a gentle glow.
Afterwards, (I don't know why, exactly, I have always attributed it to
the temperature,) I felt hot--hotter--Hottentotter! It seemed as though
the equator ran right along the line of my back-bone.
I didn't care.
I couldn't recollect whether my name was SHADRACH, MESHACH, or ABEDNEGO;
but I was baking and sizzling just as furiously as though I had paid in
advance. My pores were opening, and the perspiration was immense. A red
bandanna handkerchief would have been swamped.
There was a bald-headed man next me. He said he had been lying there
three weeks, and he was going home next Saturday if he didn't strike
oil. I grappled with the allusion, and replied that that was a poor
opening any way, and I didn't believe I could myself lie there so
coolly.
Waiting till my identity was pretty much gone, I dropped into another
marble hall. The assistant (to whom my warmest thanks are due) scooped
up what was left of me and laid me on a slab.
The assistant said I needed him, but, to the best of my recollection, he
kneaded me. He went all over me, taking up a collection, and did
first-rate. I threw off all reserve--about half a pound, I should judge.
He seemed to take a fancy to me. I never knew a man to get so intimate
on short acquaintance.
We talked rationally on a good many subjects.
He said he barely got a living there. I was surprised. I supposed he
managed to scrape together a good deal in the course of a year.
He said he wanted to go into some wholesale house. I ventured to predict
that success awaited him in the rubber business. In fact, we kept up
quite a stream of conversation, which he supplemented with a hose that
played over me in a gentle, leisurely manner, as if I were fully
insured.