OLDHAM.--There you, fly out again now; it's impossible to do any thing
with a youngster unless he has a tractable disposition. Here now, as I
said, is Cherbourg,--here Portsmouth,--this little streak that I draw
with my finger, the Channel. Jersey is somewhere there by the devilled
biscuits; dy'e understand, Lovell?
LOVELL.--Thank you, I do.
OLDHAM.--Good. Then this is our coast well manned, throughout its
length, with troops: steady tried troops, mind, none of your gaping,
staring boys:--well protected.
PIPECLAY.--How protected?
OLDHAM.--How should I know? The engineers do that; of course they'd
protect 'em with glacis, or ravelins or tenailles, or some of those
damned jawbreaking named things;--well protected by works and cannon.
O'SHEEVO.--Did you see that extraordinary cannon that West made in the
mess-room this morning?
PIPECLAY.--Ah! yes,--not bad, but I've seen finer strokes than that.
You should have seen Legge of the 32d play.
LOVELL.--Or Chowse of the artillery; by Jove! how he knocks about the
balls! like an Indian juggler.
O'SHEEVO.--Both good hands; ye're not a bad fist at billiards
yourself, Oldham.
OLDHAM.--I seldom play now;--getting old;--played many a good match in
the 107th's mess-room; but I think I could astonish Master West.
PIPECLAY.--Well, if he'll play a match, I don't mind backing him
against you even.
O'SHEEVO.--And I'll go five to four on the youngster to make the thing
worth your while.
OLDHAM.--Oh! no, no; 'twouldn't do for me to be playing matches with a
raw recruit like that: 'twouldn't be dignified.
O'SHEEVO.--Would it be more dignified if I said three to two?
OLDHAM.--Say two to one and I don't mind a rubber;--one rubber,
remember.
O'SHEEVO.--Done then. Let's have it to-morrow, if we can. West comes
off guard in the morning, so there's the more chance of his being
steady and willing to play; when they get hold of him overnight, he's
always shaky and sulky next day till four or five o'clock. A bad
constitution is a sad tell-tale under a red coat; a bishop chokes, or
an anti-corn-law leaguer is attacked with pleurisy from his exertions
in the cause of humanity; a lawyer's nose gets red from having his
mind continually on the stretch; but if an ensign's colours only
tremble a little in a strong gale, he's set down for a hard goer.
PIPECLAY.--It's a great thing to be able to carry one's liquor well.
O'SHEEVO.--Rather it's a dreadful misfortune when you can't. I always
fancy that when a man can't show a bold face the morning after, he's
been a great sinner.
OLDHAM.--Or that his forefathers have been so; I believe that
posterity have to expiate the sins of their ancestors.
O'SHEEVO.--But, as a man can neither be his ancestors nor his
posterity, I don't see that he need mind that.
PIPECLAY.--His ancestors' posterity is surely his affair.
O'SHEEVO.--It's quite enough for a man to think of his own posterity
without minding that of his ancestors.
PIPECLAY.--He can't well help minding his ancestors when he daily and
hourly feels the effects of their indiscretions.
O'SHEEVO.--But d'ye mean to say that if all his ancestors were fast
men, the whole of their diseases would be accumulated on his
shoulders?
PIPECLAY.--Not exactly. These things wear out in time, or are got rid
of by crossing the breed; the nearer in time a man is to his
rollicking ancestor, the more plainly he shows the hereditary taint.
O'SHEEVO.--Then if he's his contemporary he's as bad as himself. I
don't think, though, that my father showed the want of the Ballyswig
estate a bit more than I do. Bad luck to my old aunt who forgot her
successors though her ancestors remembered her.
OLDHAM.--Buzza that jug, Lovell, and touch the bell for another; these
discussions make one thirsty.
O'SHEEVO.--Thirst is nothing here to what it is in the tropics. By
Jove! how I used to suffer at Jamaica.
LOVELL.--Nature is said to have there provided for the craving by a
bountiful supply of water. The name Jamaica signifies, I believe, the
"Isle of Springs." You had excellent water there, Major, had you not?
O'SHEEVO.--I always understood the water was very good, but I can't
exactly remember that I ever tasted it. Nature is an affectionate
mother, but there's no nourishment in her milk, so I put myself out to
nurse upon sangree and portercup.
PIPECLAY.--Nasty, unwholesome stuff; there's a yellow fever in every
glass of it.
O'SHEEVO.--It may be one of the ingredients; but that's no matter, if
it's well mixed, because the other things correct it.
OLDHAM.--Our old second battalion buried I don't know how many in the
seven years they spent out there. They always took the more intricate
mixtures in the day time;--madeira and champagne at dinner, claret
after, and topped up with brandy and water; after which they adjourned
to settle, in the morning light, any little affairs of honour that had
turned up in the evening.
LOVELL.--Were these of so regular occurrence?
OLDHAM.--Seldom missed a night. The old cotton tree outside the
mess-room, at Stoney Hill, was always one of the stations; and as full
of bullets as a pudding is of plums. It was settling every thing
before the meeting separated that made us such a united jolly set of
fellows.
PIPECLAY.--How much better we do things in the present day!
OLDHAM.--Another of your modern prejudices. How can any man of spirit
think the investigations, explanations, and newspaper correspondence
as creditable as settling the matter off-hand and like gentlemen?
PIPECLAY.--But a duel does not always settle the right and wrong of an
affair; and surely the party in the wrong ought to be the sufferer.
Human life has a higher value than in old times; and, therefore, to
avoid the casualties caused by duels, the laws punish the duellist.
O'SHEEVO.--That's just it. In old times, if a man was killed there was
an end; but now, to show the value of human life, the law hangs the
survivor. The fact is, they find it necessary to thin the population,
and so they take two for one, as we do with the glasses.
OLDHAM.--I'm afraid, Pipeclay, you and I will never agree in these
matters. It's a pity you never had the advantage of seeing a little
active service, which would have enlightened you far more than all my
preaching. We'll hope better things for these youngsters before they
become irretrievably bigoted to these milk-and-water prejudices. Well
now, Lovell, d'ye think you understand all I said about the French
invasion? If you don't, ask, and I'll give you any explanation my
experience supplies, with pleasure.
LOVELL.--I don't exactly understand how you would proceed after
guarding your coast, and the enemy being off and on the shore.
OLDHAM.--Why, man, you never will understand if you don't attend. Here
have I been talking this hour and a half exactly on that point, and
you know no more about it than if I had not said a word. You must see,
Lovell, that if you are thinking about horses, and women, and all
sorts of nonsense, while I'm talking to you, you never can make a
soldier. You should have seen our boys in the 107th. They would sit
for hours and hold their breaths, while some old fire-eater told 'em
his adventures and gave 'em advice.
O'SHEEVO.--Then they must have been as long-winded as he was.
OLDHAM.--Pshaw! Nothing of that sort ever seemed long-winded: the
interest was thrilling, and every body was unhappy when a story was
ended.
O'SHEEVO.--Except the man that was going to tell the next.
OLDHAM.--But really I wish we could get these youngsters to think a
little more on professional subjects. I'm sure I'm always willing to
give 'em any instruction in my power; and I think, Major, you'd not be
behindhand in teaching the young idea how to shoot.
O'SHEEVO.--No, no, Oldham; every one to his trade,--that's the
adjutant's business.
OLDHAM.--I don't mean literally that you'd show them how to let off a
musket, but that you'd mould their dispositions, and guide their
ardour to the best advantage.
O'SHEEVO.--My maxims are all summed up in a short sentence which I
learnt from old Mullins himself, who found it carry him and his pupils
through with honour--"Fear God and keep your powder dry." It's pithy,
you see, and doesn't burden the memory.
PIPECLAY.--A liberal education for ingenuous youth.
O'SHEEVO.--I gave it for nothing, and so did old Mullins; so it's
liberal enough, and the youth will be devilish ingenious if they find
out any thing better.
OLDHAM.--I never, myself, see any good come of the hair-splitting and
lawyering of the new school; indeed, I don't know what could be better
than our second battalion was. Nowadays, by Jove! any whipper-snapper
jackanapes, with a pocket full of money and the grimaces of a
dancing-master, walks easily to the top of the tree, while an old
soldier's services go for nothing. What did the Duke himself say to me
thirty-five years ago? Never mind, damme!
LOVELL.--Indeed! what did he say?
OLDHAM.--Never you mind what he said; he'll never say it to you. An
infernal system when fellows sit at a desk and think they're soldiers.
I'm no office man, damme! leading on is my forte; let them promote
quill-drivers and milksops if they like, what does Dick Oldham care?
I've been bred among the right sort, and I'll go to my grave a real
soldier, if not a fortunate one.
O'SHEEVO.--That's true, Oldham; when they fire over you, old boy,
'twont be the first time you smelt powder.
LOVELL.--I hope Oldham will have another meeting or two with his old
friends over the water before that.
OLDHAM.--Oh! confound it! don't say a word about it; they'll soon
forget what a soldier used to be. It's sickening--by Jove! sickening.
I'd have been a colonel of infantry before now, if there'd been any
thing like justice. Never mind.
O'SHEEVO.--It's not too late yet. They must have soldiers where
there's danger; they'll restore the old second battalion of the 107th,
when the French come, and you'll command it yet.