OLDHAM.--Well, now,--look here. Well, here's Cherbourg, this glass, do
you see? well then, this is Portsmouth, this other--and this dirty
one, if I can reach it--damn it, I've broke my own, stretching, across
the table.
O'SHEEVO--PIPECLAY.--Two for one! Two for one!
OLDHAM.--Well, never mind; 'twas awkward. We don't stand the jokes the
old 107th used to cut: there, if you only made the smallest chip in
the stem of a glass, you were stuck for your new pair, while the
damaged one did duty as well as ever. There wasn't a glass in the mess
that hadn't reproduced itself in double at least nine times.
O'SHEEVO.--By the powers! that beats the phaynix, who never became
twins, that I heard of. I'd not have stood it from any one. A glass
that I broke and paid for, I'd consider my own intirely.
PIPECLAY.--They had no right to put a glass on the table after it had
been paid for; the regulations wouldn't allow it.
OLDHAM.--Oh! nobody knew any thing about the regulations in the old
107th. The colonel was a trump, and the lads were trumps, so they
followed suit, and no lawyering.
PIPECLAY.--A colonel has no right to enforce an unjust charge.
OLDHAM.--Well, perhaps not; but in our days we never troubled our
heads about what was just or unjust. It's a bad sign of a corps when
men begin to talk of their rights.
LOVELL.--True, Oldham; you were saying, suppose that Cherbourg, the
other Portsmouth--here's a third glass for you to complete.
PIPECLAY.--I beg your pardon one minute, Lovell. I wish to convince
Oldham that there is some advantage in knowing how to assert your own
rights.
O'SHEEVO.--I deny that _in toto_. The Ballyswig estate would have been
in the O'Sheevo family to this day, if my great-aunt hadn't wished to
assert her right to a haycock, which brought the title in question,
and caused us to lose the whole property.
PIPECLAY.--But if another had a just claim?
O'SHEEVO.--Just humbug! The opposite side retained Counsellor Curran,
who'd have persuaded a jury out of their Sunday waistcoats, with a
five-shilling piece in the pocket of each.
OLDHAM.--Well, well. Now, look here, Lovell. This, as I said, is
Cherbourg--this Portsmouth. Ellis, of the staff corps, used always to
illustrate this way; did you ever meet him?
LOVELL.--What! the owner of May-Bee, who won the military
steeple-chase, two years ago? To be sure, I did: devilish sharp fellow
he was too.
PIPECLAY.--I don't know that: he broke down in some charges he
preferred against Sergeant O'Flinn of the Royal County Down, who was
acquitted by a general court-martial. A fellow who does that, may be a
very good fellow, but can't have much head-piece.
LOVELL.--May-Bee was a pretty piece of goods though. I saw the poor
thing break her back last spring, under Jack Fisher of the
carabineers: Jack nearly went out at the same time. Devilish sharply
contested thing, till poor May-Bee's accident. Jack was picked
up,--dreadful fall, as the papers said--gallant captain--small hopes
of recovery--be universally regretted through the regiment--popular
qualities--and that sort of thing; but somehow he marched to
Nottingham at the head of his troop, a fortnight after, worth fifty
dead men.
PIPECLAY.--What do you value a dead man at, Lovell?
O'SHEEVO.--If a thing's worth what it'll _fetch_, a dead man's value
wouldn't burst the Exchequer.
LOVELL.--Thank you, Major, for getting me out of that; the Adjutant
was going to bring me up rather straitly.
O'SHEEVO.--He's the very boy to do that. A bigoted ram's horn under
his hands, would be forced to relinquish its prejudices. Nobody stoops
to conquer in his academy. Send for another jug, and we'll go on with
our discussion. Smart letter that of the old Duke's.
OLDHAM.--Who'll be commander-in-chief when the old Briton dies?
PIPECLAY.--It'll depend upon the ministry of the day, which I hope
will be a distant one. If he could only anticipate his posthumous fame
now, how complete would be his glory.
O'SHEEVO.--Sure, he's got his posthumous fame already: he's not
obliged, like the ancients, to immortalise himself by committing
suicide.
LOVELL.--Certainly not, Major. Well, you know the Duke sees the
necessity of defending our coasts--
PIPECLAY.--And of increasing the army. I have a plan of my own for
raising men, which I shall propose, some day or other, to the Horse
Guards.
OLDHAM.--There's no difficulty in getting men; any quantity may be
raised in Ireland.
O'SHEEVO.--That's true, because any quantity are knocked over every
day there; but they, poor men! are beyond the skill of even an
adjutant.
PIPECLAY.--At any rate I should like to give my system a fair trial.
O'SHEEVO.--I have no opinion of systems; I've known many men entirely
ruined by them.
PIPECLAY.--How so, Major?
O'SHEEVO.--Why, I knew a man who used to get a little jolly two or
three times a-week, as occasion invited. Some well-meaning friends
reproached him with the irregularity of his life, and pestered him to
adopt a system, which, for the sake of peace and quietness, he at last
did, and got blazing drunk every night; his own spirit didn't like the
foreign invasion, and evacuated the place--that was system!
LOVELL.--We don't much relish the idea of foreign invasion ourselves.
PIPECLAY.--Let 'em come. If they intend to get a regular footing here,
they would probably make a dash at Portland island.
OLDHAM.--Now my idea is this. Suppose them embarked in steamers, and
starting for a point on our coast,--a few old fellows, who know what
Frenchmen are made of, are stationed at all the landing-places, while
a railway communication enables them to be quickly collected in one
point.
PIPECLAY.--I should object to old fellows as unfit for such sharp
duties: active, intelligent young men would be better.
OLDHAM.--Pshaw! what's theory against Frenchmen? give me the old
second battalion of the 107th before all the boys in the service.
PIPECLAY.--And give me smart youngsters, who would move.
OLDHAM.--I'd like to see such Johnny Raws oppose a landing.
PIPECLAY.--It stands to reason they must be better than a parcel of
old worn-out sinners.
O'SHEEVO.--Bravo! I'd like to hear this question fairly handled. You
see, Lovell, that's the advantage of military breeding; we can discuss
these topics without the rudenesses that you observe in civil life.
Every man, young or old, may give his opinion, and be patiently
listened to at a mess table.
LOVELL.--It is certainly a great advantage.
OLDHAM.--I must maintain the superiority of veteran troops for all
important duties;--you see a parcel of recruits would play the
devil,--it's all stuff!