SONG.

If now before this splendid throng

With timid voice, but daring aim,

I strive to wake my pensive song

And urge the minstrel's tuneful claim;

One wish alone the anxious task can move,

The wish to charm the ear of HIM I LOVE.

If in the dance with eager feet

I seek a grace before unknown,

And dare the critic eye to meet,

Nor heed though scornful numbers frown;

This wish to fear superior bids me prove,

The wish to charm the eye of HIM I LOVE.

And if, my woman's fears resign'd,

I thus my loved retirement leave,

My humble vest with roses bind,

And jewels in my tresses weave;

One wish alone could such vast efforts move,

The wish to _fix the heart_ of HIM I LOVE.

The rehearsals meanwhile were pleasanter than I expected. My husband

was forced to be a great deal with me, as he had to rehearse so much

with me; and Lady Martindale chose to practise her ballet in her own

apartment, in sight of a long glass. Therefore I had not to bear, as

I expected, my husband's complete neglect; and I could smile at the

meanness which led her to come in while I was rehearsing, and lament,

as she looked on, loud enough for Seymour and me to hear, that the

_charmante_ Henrietta Goodwin was summoned away, and could not perform

the heroine, because she did it _a ravir_. I saw Pendarves change colour

often when she said this, and she said it daily; but as he thought I

much excelled Miss Goodwin, he attributed it to female envy, and perhaps

to jealousy of me as his wife.

At length the first day of our theatricals took place, and a company far

more select and less numerous than I expected was assembled. My mother

had insisted on defraying my expenses, and both my dresses were elegant.

You must forgive my vanity when I say, that with rouge replacing my

natural bloom, and clad in a most becoming manner, I looked as young

and as well as when I married; while to my grateful joy my husband

seemed to admire me more than any one. Indeed he pronounced my whole

performance beyond praise, and I know not what any one else said. I made

one alteration, however, in the text on the night of representation,

which called down thunders of applause. The Author makes Letitia Hardy

say, that if her husband was unfaithful she would elope with the first

pretty fellow that asked her, while her feelings preyed on her life. I

could not make my lips utter such words as these; I therefore said, "I

would not elope like some women, &c. but would patiently endure my

sufferings, though my feelings preyed on my life."

Seymour was so surprised, so confounded, and so affected, that he seized

my hand and pressed it to his heart and his lips before he could reply:

and my mother told me afterwards that she could scarcely controul her

emotions at a change so worthy of me, and so well-timed. The next

representation was deferred for a week; and, whatever was the reason,

Lady Martindale deferred any exhibition of herself to that future

opportunity.

But the comfort and the joy of all to me was, that during this

intermediate week I recovered my husband; and with him some of my good

looks; while that odious lord would very fain have bestowed on me equal

attention to what Seymour had bestowed on his wife, and of a less

equivocal nature.

Lord Charles Belmour at this period paid us an unexpected visit, having

entirely recovered from his late indisposition. I certainly was not

glad to see him, though I believed he regarded me with more kindness

than formerly, and he was evidently solicitous, by the most respectful

attentions, to conciliate the regard of my beloved mother.

Out of compliment to Lord Charles, Seymour dined at home two days; but

on the third, he insisted on taking his friend to call at Oswald Lodge,

whose hospitable master had called on him, as soon as he heard of his

arrival, and was anxious to have the honour of his acquaintance. Lord

Charles thought the honour would be all on Mr. Oswald's side, and

probably the pleasure also; but he was at length prevailed on to return

the call, and to my great joy he returned wondering at Seymour's

infatuation in living so much with such a vulgar set; declaring, that

even the Lady Martindale had more the air of a French _petite maitresse_

than of any thing akin to quality. He said this in my mother's presence

and mine, and he could not have made, I own, better court to either.

"My daughter and I always thought so; and I am glad to have our

judgement confirmed by your lordship," answered my mother. "But my son

thinks differently."

"I do indeed," said Pendarves blushing; "and when Lord Charles sees her

to advantage,--which he did not to-day,--he will not, I am sure, wonder

at my admiration."

"Well, we shall see," said he; "but I trust I shall not change my mind,

if the future exhibitions of her exquisite ladyship be like that of

to-day. You were not there, ladies; therefore, for your amusement,

allow me to open my show-box and give you portraits of the inhabitants

of Oswald Lodge."

He then stood up, and Mr. and Mrs. Oswald lived before us: air, voice,

attitude--all perfectly given. Then came Lord Martindale; and at these

pictures Pendarves laughed heartily: but when Lord Charles exhibited the

dog and lady by turns dancing, and sometimes barking for the one, and

throwing himself into attitudes and smiling for the other, my husband

looked much disconcerted, and said it was a gross caricature. But we did

not think it so; and though neither my mother nor myself approved such

exhibitions, and on principle discouraged them, still on this occasion

I must own they were very gratifying to me. But the feeling was an

unworthy one, and it was soon punished; for Seymour said with a look of

reproach, "You have mortified me, Helen: I had given you credit for more

generosity: I did not think you would thus enjoy a laugh at any one's

expense; especially that of one whose graces and talents you have

yourself acknowledged."

I felt humbled and ashamed at the just reproof, though I thought he

should not thus have reproved me, and I was silent; but my mother

haughtily replied, "I am glad to hear you own you are mortified to find

your wife has some leaven of human frailty; as I am now for the first

time convinced that you appreciate her justly."

"I have many faults," he replied; "but that of not valuing Helen as she

deserves was never one of them; and oh! how deeply do I feel and

bitterly lament that I am not more worthy of her and you!"

My mother instantly held out her hand to him; while Lord Charles

exclaimed, "What a graceful and candid avowal! No wonder the offender

is so soon forgiven! But believe me, dear madam, there is no hope of

amendment from persons who are so ready to own their faults; for they

consider that candour makes amends for all their errors, and throws such

a charm over them, that they have no motive to improve, especially if

they are young and handsome like my friend here; for really he looked so

pretty, and modest and pathetic, that I wondered you only gave him your

hand to kiss."

"Be quiet, Lord Charles; you are not a kind commentator."

"But I am a just one. Oh! believe me, there is more hope of an ugly dog

like me, who can't look affecting, than of such a man as Seymour. I

cannot make error look engaging if I would, and therefore must reform

in good earnest when I wish to please."

That night Seymour, who sat up with Lord Charles, did not come to bed

till some hours after me. I was awake when he entered the room, and

could not help asking him what had kept them up so late, anticipating

his answer only too well. "We sat up playing piquet," said he in a

cheerful voice; "and I am a great winner, Helen. If Lord Charles stays

some days, and plays as he did to-night, I am a made man: only think of

my winning a hundred pounds since you left us!"

"But if Lord Charles should not always play as he did to-night, and you

should lose a hundred pounds, what is to become of you then?"

"Psha, Helen! you are always so wise and cautious: there, there, go to

sleep, and do not alarm yourself concerning what may never happen."

But I could not go to sleep, though I said no more; and I saw that our

guest would probably upset those resolutions to which Pendarves had for

some time adhered. True, he had not been tempted to break them; but had

his desire for play been strong, he could have sought means to indulge

it. He had not done so, and therefore I thought him cured; though, as

most persons have recourse to gaming merely to produce excitement, and

the stimulus of alternate hope and fear, I could not but see that Oswald

Lodge and Lady Martindale amply supplied to my husband the place of

play; and so that he was interested and amused, it mattered not whence

that feeling was derived. And this was he who had declared himself the

votary of domestic habits, home amusements and literary pursuits! But

now he was most unexpectedly and unnecessarily assailed; for he had not

gone to temptation, but it was come to him,--and my resolution was

taken.

The next morning, while we were at breakfast, a chaise stopped at our

door. It was sent from Oswald Lodge, to convey my husband thither

immediately; as a note from Lady Martindale informed him, that she could

not make arrangements for the next evening's exhibition without his

advice and assistance: for nobody, she added, had any taste but himself.

This note Lord Charles playfully snatched from him, and would read

aloud, much to Seymour's annoyance; as, though the language was elegant,

there was not a word spelt right, and every rule of grammar was

violated.

"The education of this well born lady was much neglected, I see," said

Lord Charles: "would she could spell as well as she can flatter!"

He then read the concluding compliment aloud.

"_C'est un peu fort,_" he observed, returning the note; which Seymour

angrily observed he ought not to have allowed him to read.

"Well; but you obey the summons, I suppose?"

"Certainly."

"And when may we hope to see you again?"

"As soon as I can get away."

"That may not be till bed-time."

"Impossible! have I not promised to give you your revenge this evening?"

"Yes; but when a lady's in the case--"

"Nonsense! I shall return to dinner."

"And not before? How mortifying it is to me to see that you are not

afraid of leaving me so many hours at liberty to pay court to your

wife,--with whom, you know, I am desperately in love!"

"If my wife were not what she is, I should be so; and my confidence, I

assure you, is not in you, but in her."

"Besides, we shall not be alone, my lord, for I am going to challenge

you," said I, "to call on my mother."

"Agreed! And now I am flattered. Your lady, you see, thinks me a more

formidable person than you do. Suppose, my dear lady, that we go off

together, only to punish him for his weak confidence?"

"We will consider of it," said I, laughing; "and in the meanwhile we

will visit my mother."

My husband then drove off and I prepared for my walk.--When I returned,

I found Lord Charles walking up and down the room, and with a thoughtful

disturbed countenance.

"Mrs. Pendarves," cried he, "I have no patience with that infatuated

husband of yours! Here am I come on purpose to see him and for a short

time only, and yet, at the call of this equivocal French peeress, he

leaves me, and has the indecorum, too, to go away and leave me with

his beautiful wife! Tell me, do you not believe in love-powders and

philters? for surely some must have been administered to him."

"Not necessarily: my ill-health, the consequence of sorrow, and that

sorrow itself made poor Seymour's home uncomfortable to him; he did

not like to see me suffer, therefore he acquired a habit of seeking

amusement elsewhere; and the flatteries and invitations of these gay and

agreeable people have at last obtained a complete ascendency over him."

"That I see; and such people too! And to think of what the foolish man

leaves! Mrs. Pendarves, I think that if I had had such a wife as his, I

could not have left my home as he does."

"Lord Charles," replied I, "this is language which I will not listen

to; but I laugh at your self-deception. The habits of all men of the

world are similar, and alike powerful, and your wife would be left as I

am: but I assure you that I am convinced my husband loves me tenderly

notwithstanding; and I am trying, by conforming to his habits, to make

myself as agreeable to him as others are."

Lord Charles seemed about to break into violent exclamations of some

kind or other; but I stopped him, and begged to lead the way to my

mother's. He bowed respectfully, and followed me: then taking his arm, I

tried to begin the conversation I meditated; and luckily he made my task

easy by saying, "I conclude Pendarves told you how completely he beat me

at cards last night? But he has promised to give me my revenge to-night.

The truth is, I have not played picquet these two years; but before I

leave you, I expect to recover my knowledge, and to turn my visit to

account: for I have been very unsuccessful at Brookes's lately."

I now stopped, and said, "Hear me, Lord Charles! I believe that you can

be a kind and honourable man, and that you are really disposed to be a

friend to me."

"To be sure--to be sure I am."

"I feel, I own, your power to be my foe in many essential points, but I

am equally sure that you can be my friend if you choose; and I request

you, if you value my peace of mind, not to tempt my husband to renew

that habit and fondness for play, which he had lost, which he cannot

afford to indulge, and which, I assure you, has impoverished and

distressed us."

"You amaze me! Impoverished!"

"Yes; we have been forced to part with our horses and dismiss servants.

Surely, therefore, it would not be the part of a friend to lure

Pendarves to the risk of losing a hundred pounds a-night. My lord, I

throw myself on your generosity, and say no more."

"You have said enough; and the admirable wife's prudence shall make

amends for the rashness of her husband. Besides, I am so flattered by

your confidence in me! At last to find you considering me as a friend,

and asking assistance from me as a friend! I protest I am more flattered

by your friendship than I should be by the love of twenty other

women.--Take my revenge! No, indeed. He shall keep his hundred pounds:

'I will none of it.'"

"Hold; not so: play with him this evening; but whether you win or lose,

declare you will play no more. I would rather you should win back the

money, and even more; for it may be dangerous to Seymour to feel himself

enriched by play, and he may go on, though not with you: but after this

evening, forbear."

"Excellent! excellent! O that ever I should come hither! I shall be a

lost man: for I shall fancy it so charming a thing to have a wife to

take care of me, that I shall marry, and find too late there is only

one Helen Pendarves!--But tell me, do you wish me to go away to-day,

to-morrow, or when--in order to put you out of your pain?"

"By no means: I rely implicitly on your promise; and I owe it to you to

assure you, Lord Charles, that your company is most welcome to me, and

that I shall not forget your kindness."

I now offered him my hand, which he was going to kiss; but suddenly

dropping it, he said, "No--no; take it away.--You must not be too good

to me: I am not a man to be trusted with much flattery and kindness:

for, ugly as I am, the women have so spoiled me, that I may fancy even

you are kind to me '_pour l'amour des mes beaux yeux_,'"[6] opening his

gooseberry eyes as wide as he could, and in a manner so irresistibly

comic, that I gave way to that laughter which he delighted to excite. I

therefore entered my mother's parlour looking more animated than usual,

and she looked most graciously on my companion as the cause: but she

seemed displeased when she found Pendarves was gone to Oswald Lodge, and

had left me to entertain his noble guest.

[Footnote 6: For the love of my fine eyes.]

I now took my departure, having some poor cottagers to visit. When I

came back, I saw by the thoughtful brow and flushed cheek of both, that

their conversation had been of a very interesting nature; and I also saw

that there was an air of confiding intimacy between them, which I never

expected to see between two persons so little accordant in habits and

sentiments.

But every human being has a capacity for good as well as evil, and

the great difference in us all results chiefly, I believe, from the

favourable or unfavourable circumstances in which we are placed. Lord

Charles had been so circumstanced, that his capacity for evil alone had

been cultivated; and till he knew my mother and myself, he had never met

in women any other description of companions than those whom he courted,

conquered, and despised,--and those whose rigid morals and disagreeable

manners threw him haughtily at a distance, and made him hate virtue for

their sakes. But now, trusted, noticed, liked by women of a different

kind, his good feelings were awakened; and while with us, he really was

the amiable being which he might, differently situated, have always

been.

"I love to be with you," said he to us: "your influence is so beneficial

over me, and you wrap me in such a pleasing illusion! for while I am

with you I fancy myself as good as you are: but when I go away, I shall

be just as bad again.--Well; have you nothing to say in reply? How

disappointed I am! for I thought you would in mercy have exclaimed,

'Then stay here for ever!' Would I could!"

And indeed, when he did go, I missed him.--But to return to the place

whence I digressed. Pendarves came home time enough to take a ride with

Lord Charles, but he took care to let him see that he expected more

attention from him. That evening he challenged my husband to picquet;

and having won back nearly the whole of what he had lost, positively

declined playing any more: and, much to Seymour's vexation, he would not

play again while he staid. The second night's performances at Oswald

Lodge now took place; but though Lord Charles staid to be present at

them, he could not help expressing his astonishment to me, when alone,

that a modest, respectable gentlewoman like myself should ever have

joined in them, and that my husband should have permitted it.

"It is very well for these fiddling, frolicking, fun-hunting Oswalds,"

said he, "to fill their house with persons and things of this sort,

and rant and roar, and kick and jump, and make fools and tumblers of

themselves and such of their guests as like it: but never did I expect

to see the dignified and retiring Helen Pendarves exhibiting her person

on a stage, and levelling herself to a Lady Martindale. As your friend,

your adoring friend, I tell you, that such an exhibition degrades you."

"It would do so were it my choice, but it is my necessity; and the

fulfilment of a painful duty exalts rather than degrades."

"Duty!"

"Yes; my husband required me to act, and I obeyed."

"I understand you. Oh! what a rash, ill-judging being he is! But I beg

your pardon, and will say no more. Yet I must add, you are justified;

but alas! what can justify him?"

This conversation did not give me any additional courage to undertake

and execute my task; especially as I had no reputation as an actress to

lose, and other circumstances increased my timidity.--Lady Martindale

had purposely reserved all her powers for this evening, and, as she

herself said, she was very glad to have her performance witnessed by

such a judge as Lord Charles Belmour--a man whose opinion, she knew, was

looked up to in all circles as decisive, with regard to beauty, grace,

and talents. No wonder, therefore, that to throw her spells round him

was become the object of her ambition. Hitherto he had avoided her, and

she seemed conscious that he did not admire her. Her only hope was, I

believe, therefore, to charm him at once by a _coup de theatre_; and

while she convinced Pendarves that for him alone she should exert her

various powers, her fascinating graces were in reality aimed at Lord

Charles: so I thought and suspected,--and though jealousy blinds, it

also very often enlightens.

She was to begin the entertainments by acting a French proverb with a

French gentleman, an _emigre_, who was staying at the house; and having

no doubt of her transcendent powers, I felt very reluctant to enter

into competition with her. Yet, was not the prize for which I strove

my husband's admiration? But then was I not degrading myself from the

dignity of a wife and a private gentlewoman, by putting myself into a

competition like this? The question was difficult to answer, and while I

was thus ruminating, the curtain drew up.

I shall not describe her performance: suffice, that the exhibition was

perfect. The dialogue was epigrammatic, and the scenes too short to let

the attention flag. Every word, every gesture, every look told; and the

curtain dropped amidst the loudest applauses.

I could only see from the side-scene; but I saw enough to make me feel

my own inferiority, and I went on for Letitia Hardy in a tremor of

spirits of which I was quite ashamed; nor could the kindest of the

audience applaud me, except from pity and the wish to encourage me;

while I saw that Lord Charles could not even do that, and sat silent,

and, I thought, uneasy. However, I recovered myself in the masquerade

scene, though my voice when I sung still trembled with emotion; and now

I was overwhelmed with plaudits, and even Lord Charles seemed pleased;

for, as I was masked, I could examine the audience.

Still the play went off languidly after the lively petite piece, and I

saw I had mortified my husband's vanity, which my first performance had

gratified.

Much impatience was expressed for the next entertainment, which was

Rouseau's Pygmalion. Pygmalion by the French Marquis; the Statue, by

Lady Martindale. This was received with delight; and I saw that the

beautiful statue, whose exquisite proportions were any thing but

concealed by the dress she wore, absorbed completely the attention

of Pendarves; and when she left the stage apparently exhausted, how

different were the look and manner with which he led her to her

dressing-room, to those with which he had so handed me!

"Why, why," said I to myself, "did I attempt a comparison, in which I

was sure to fail?" But if I had erred, I had meant well, and my mother

had approved my conduct, and that must console me under my want of

success; for, instead of winning Seymour back, I now saw that, feeling

my rival's superiority over me, he would be more her slave than ever.

The whole concluded with a ballet of action, a monodrame, by Lady

Martindale, to which I was too uncomfortable to attend; but what I saw I

thought admirable. She pretended to be overcome with fatigue when it was

ended, and fell into my husband's arms, who in his alarm called me to

her assistance. I went; but her lip retained its glowing hue, and I saw

in her illness nothing but a new attitude, and that the statue was now

recumbent. Having been long enough contemplated in this posture, she

opened her eyes, fixed them with a dying look on Pendarves, and then

desired him to lead her to her apartment: whence she returned attired in

a splendid mantle, which seemed in modesty thrown over her statue dress,

but which coquettishly displayed occasionally the form it seemed

intended to hide.

I never saw Lord Charles so disconcerted as he was during the whole of

the time. He could not bear to praise the heroine of the evening, yet

he felt that praise was her due. Nor could he bear either to find fault

with or to praise _me_. In this dilemma, he seemed to think it was

best to be silent; and drawing himself up, he entrenched himself in

the consciousness that he was Lord Charles Belmour. But while Lady

Martindale leaned on Seymour on one side and I on the other, as we

were awaiting the summons to supper, surrounded by our flatterers, one

glance at my dejected countenance brought back his kinder feelings; and

turning to my mother, who held his arm, he said, "Shall I tell your fair

daughter how enchanted I was with the masquerade scene?"

"I assure you," said Seymour, "Helen did not do herself justice

to-night: she did not act as well as she can act."

"I should have been very sorry, so much do I esteem her, to have

seen her act better," was his cold reply. "Would you have your wife,

Pendarves, perform as well as a professional person, and as if she had

been brought up on the stage?"

"I would wish my wife to do well whatever she undertakes," replied

Seymour.

"And so she does, and so she _did_; but if you do not love her the

better (as I am sure you do) for the graceful timidity which she

displayed, I could not esteem you."

Lady Martindale, who watched his very look, now bit her lip, and

Seymour did not look pleased. My mother owned afterwards, that what

with pinching Lord Charles's arm, to see how Lord and Lady Martindale

both were confused by the first part of his speech, and squeezing it

affectionately from delight at the last, she is very sure Lord Charles

carried her marks with him to London. _I_ too could scarcely keep the

grateful tears from flowing down my cheeks, which his well timed

kindness brought into my eyes: but I saw that my expression was not lost

upon him.

Seymour led Lady Martindale to the head of the supper table, and Lord

Charles on account of his rank was forced to sit next her.

"Painful pre-eminence!" he whispered to my mother, who, as I was one of

the queens of the night, insisted on my taking her place on the other

side. Lord Martindale seated himself next me; and Seymour took the seat

vacant by Lady Martindale. As Lord Charles scarcely noticed her, except

as far as civility commanded, Lady Martindale soon turned her back on

him, and Seymour and she seemed to forget any one else was present.

Lord Charles endeavoured by the most unremitting attentions to conceal

from me what must, he knew, distress me. But he could not do it: I

heard every whisper of their softened voices, and I dare say my uneasy

countenance was a complete and whimsical contrast to that of Lord

Martindale, who seemed perfectly easy under circumstances which would

have distressed most men, and talked and laughed with every one in his

turn.

The Lord and Lady of the feast, who were never tired of exhibitions,

now began their usual demands on the talents of their guests, and were

importunate in soliciting several of them to sing, a custom which I

usually think "more honoured in the breach than the observance;" but on

this occasion it was welcome to me, especially as I knew that it must

for a time interrupt Seymour's attention to Lady Martindale. But as the

hypochondriac, when he reads a book on diseases, always finds his own

symptoms in every case before him, so I in the then existing state of

my feelings always brought home every thing I heard or read to my own

heart; and two of the songs which were sung that night accorded so well

with my own state of mind, that I felt the tears come into my eyes as I

listened; and during the following one Pendarves sighed so audibly, that

I imagined he felt great sympathy with the sentiments; and that idea

increased my suffering:--