_The Rise of the fifth_ +Monarchy+.
From that Time forward, I was wholly taken up in giving a new Form to
the Government, and instructing the Youth in military Discipline.
_Ante urbem hinc pueri, & primævi flore juventus
Exercentur equis, domitantque in pulvere currus:
Aut acres tendunt arcus, aut lenta lacertis
Spicula contorquent._
I began with teaching them the Management of Horses, and training them
for War, as I hop’d that by our Horse alone our Neighbours might be
kept in Awe. The Emperor was soon supply’d, through my Diligence, with
six thousand Horse. The _Tanachites_ were at that Time preparing for
a fresh Invasion, on Account of the Delay of the annual Tribute, the
Payment of which had often been sollicited in vain. I was order’d by
the Emperor to go and meet the Enemy with my new-rais’d Cavalry, to
which were added a Body of Infantry. These were arm’d with Pikes and
Javelins, with which they might engage the _Tanachites_ at a Distance.
For the _Quamites_ had hitherto made use of short Swords or Daggers
only; for which Reason being oblig’d to engage Hand to Hand with very
fierce Enemies, who were much superior to them in Strength, they had
always fought upon unequal Terms.
Being appointed General in this Expedition, as soon as I heard that
the _Tanachites_ were drawn up in Order of Battle, not far from the
Borders of our Empire, I march’d to meet them with all my Forces. The
Enemy, thunderstruck with the Sight of an unexpected Army, remain’d for
some Time motionless: But our Forces advancing towards them, began to
handle their Pikes and Javelins as soon as the Enemy came within Reach,
and made a heavy Slaughter of them. The _Tanachites_, however, did
not lose Courage, but made a brisk Attack upon our Infantry: But the
new-rais’d Horse falling upon their Flanks, their Ranks were quickly
broken, and they themselves put to Flight; so that the Fortune of the
Battle wholly turn’d on this Assault. A terrible Slaughter ensued, and
the General of the _Tanachites_, together with twenty Tigers of the
first Quality, were taken Prisoners, and led in Triumph to _Quama_.
It is scarce to be express’d what Joy this extraordinary Victory
diffus’d throughout the Empire; for the _Quamites_ had generally been
routed in all former Battles, and forc’d to beg a Peace upon the most
dishonourable Terms. The Emperor, according to Custom, immediately
sentenc’d all the Prisoners to be executed: But as I had an Abhorrence
of this Custom, I advis’d the keeping them in Custody, thinking the
_Tanachites_ (with whom we could neither be said to be at War, nor in
Peace, at that Time) would be quiet, until they saw what was to become
of their Prisoners. And besides I urg’d, that a Truce was necessary for
me, to put some Schemes in Execution which I was then projecting. I had
before taken Notice, that the Country abounded with Salt-Petre, and had
got together a large Quantity of it, in order to make Gunpowder. I had
not however communicated my Design to any body but the Emperor, whose
Authority I stood in need of, to erect Offices for casting Barrels
for Guns, and other Kinds of Weapons: And I was in Hopes, that by the
Help of these Instruments all the Enemies of this Empire might in a
short Time be subdued. After I had got some Hundreds of Muskets made,
together with a Quantity of Ball, I gave a publick Specimen of my
Invention, to the great Astonishment of every body. A certain Number
of Men were immediately set aside, to be continually exercis’d in the
Management of these Muskets. After the Musketeers came to be pretty
ready in their Exercises, I was declar’d _Jachal_ by the Emperor, or
Generalissimo of all his Forces, and all the subordinate Officers were
order’d to receive their Commands from me. Whilst these Affairs were
transacting, I had frequent Conferences with _Tomopoloko_, the General
of the _Tanachites_, in order to discover the State, the Manners and
Disposition of that Nation. I found him, to my great Surprize, to be
a Person of Prudence, Learning, and Politeness, and was inform’d by
him, that Literature and Arts were in no small Esteem in the Country of
the _Tanachites_. He told me likewise, that there were a very warlike
People Eastward of them, whom the _Tanachites_ were oblig’d to be
perpetually upon their Guard against. The Inhabitants were small of
Stature, and much inferior to the _Tanachites_ in Strength of Body;
but then their Understandings were very acute, and they were eminent
for their Dexterity in managing their Javelins, or Darts, and for this
Reason had often compell’d the _Tanachites_ to sue for Peace. I learnt
afterward, that that Nation was compos’d of Cats, and that of all the
Inhabitants of the Firmament, they were the most remarkable for their
able Judgment and Skill in Politicks. It was no small Grief to me to
be inform’d, that Learning, Wisdom, and Politeness, flourish’d among
all the Creatures of this Subterraneous World, Man only excepted, and
that the _Quamites_ alone were barbarous and unciviliz’d. I hop’d,
however, that this Reproach would soon be remov’d, and that the
_Quamites_ would recover that Dominion which Nature has given to Man
over all other Animals.
The _Tanachites_ continued quiet for a long Time after their last
Defeat; but after they had discover’d, by Means of their Spies, the
State and Disposition of the new Body of Horse, namely, that those
Centaurs, which had struck such a Terror into them, were nothing else
but Horses, which had been broke and manag’d, they resum’d new Courage,
and rais’d fresh Forces, which the King himself commanded in Person.
The Army consisted of twenty thousand Tigers, all veteran Troops,
except two Regiments which had lately been inlisted. These new-rais’d
Forces were however a nominal, and not a real Addition to their
Strength. This Army, flush’d with Hopes of Victory, struck a Terror
into the whole Empire of _Quama_. Twelve thousand of our Foot advanc’d
to meet them, among which were six hundred Musketeers, together with
four thousand Horse. As I had no Doubt about the Success of the Battle,
lest the Emperor should be defrauded of the Glory of the Victory, I
intreated the old Man to put himself at the Head of his Forces. I lost
nothing of my Credit by this feign’d Modesty, since the whole Army
look’d upon me as their Leader. I thought it most advisable not to
let my Musketeers have any Share in the first Assault, having a Mind
to try, whether we could not carry the Victory by Means of the Horse
alone. But this Piece of Management cost me dear. For the _Tanachites_
attack’d our Foot with so much Violence, that they oblig’d them to give
Way: They stood likewise the Shock of our Horse so valiantly, that for
a long Time it could not be said to which Side the Victory inclin’d.
While we were in the Heat of the Battle, I led my Musketeers on to
the Attack. At the first Discharge of our Artillery, the _Tanachites_
were in a Manner stupefy’d. They could not conceive from whence those
Thunders and Lightnings proceeded; but when they saw the dreadful
Effects thereof, they were seiz’d as it were with a Panick. This first
Salutation laid two hundred Tigers prostrate on the Ground, amongst
which were two Chaplains belonging to the Camp, who were each of them
pierc’d thro’ with a Musket-Ball, whilst they were encouraging the
Soldiers to do their Duty by very pathetick Discourses in Praise of
Valour. Their Fate was bitterly lamented by all, for they were reckon’d
admirable Orators. As soon as I perceiv’d the Terror our Enemies were
in, I order’d a second Discharge to be made. This did more Execution
than the former: Great Numbers were kill’d, and among the rest, the
King himself. Upon this the Enemy losing all Hopes, turn’d their Backs.
Our Horse pursued them, and made so great a Slaughter of them as they
fled, that the Multitude of Carcasses with which the Field was covered,
at length put a Stop to their Pursuit. After the Battle was over, and
we had Time to take an Account of the Number of the Slain, they were
found to amount to thirteen thousand. The Enemy being thus intirely
routed, the victorious Army enter’d the Country of the _Tanachites_,
and after a few Days March encamp’d under the Walls of the Metropolis.
Such a Terror had at that Time seiz’d all Peoples Minds, that
though the Town was strong, and well secur’d by its Situation,
Walls, and Forts, and well stor’d with Provisions of all Kinds, yet
the Magistrates came out in the most suppliant Manner to meet the
Conquerors, and to offer them the Keys of the City. This City was no
less remarkable for its great Extent, than for the Cleanness of its
Streets, and the Neatness of its Buildings. And it was certainly Matter
of great Wonder, that the _Quamites_, who were encompass’d on all Sides
by Nations so polite, should have continued so long in their Barbarity.
But they were in this Respect like some other Nations, who though
ignorant of what passes in foreign Countries, entertain a high Conceit
of themselves, and who having no Commerce or Communication with
others, live hugely contented in their own Sordidness and Ignorance, of
which it would be very easy to produce Instances among the _Europeans_.
This Defeat became a new Æra among the _Tanachites_; and as this
decisive Battle was fought, according to their Computation, upon the
third Day of the Month _Torul_, they reckon this among the unlucky
Days. At this Season of the Year, the Planet _Nazar_, whose Revolution
round the Subterranean Sun regulates the Time, and distinguishes the
Seasons, is at its farthest Distance from this Part of the Firmament.
The whole Firmament likewise makes its Revolution round the Sun, but
as the Planet moves with greater Velocity, _Nazar_ seems to increase
or decrease, according as it is nearer to, or more remote from this or
that Hemisphere. The Increase or Decrease of this Planet, as also the
Eclipses of the Sun, are the Subject of astronomical Observations in
this Country. I once took the Pains, at my Hours of Leisure, to examine
the _Tanachitish_ Kalendar, and it seem’d to me to be an orderly and
well digested Thing.
The Taking of the capital City was follow’d by the Surrender of the
whole Kingdom; so that the Contempt with which the _Quamites_ had been
before stigmatiz’d, was chang’d into Renown; and the Empire of _Quama_,
by the Addition of this conquer’d Nation, became almost twice as
powerful as it was before. But as every body look’d upon this Success
to be owing to my Industry and Management, the Esteem which they had
for a long Time conceiv’d for me was heighten’d almost into Adoration.
The _Tanachites_ being thus subdued, and Governors appointed in every
City, to keep this fierce and warlike People in their Duty, I went to
work, to finish the Task I had begun, and to root out that Barbarity
in which the _Quamites_ were as yet involv’d. It was a Matter of great
Difficulty, however, to introduce the Study of the liberal Arts at
once; for the _Latin_ Tongue, and a few Scraps of _Greek_, which I
had learnt in _Europe_, would not, I knew, be here of any Use. For
this Reason, I caus’d twelve of the most learned Tigers to be sent for
out of the Enemies Country. These were made Professors, and commanded
to found an University upon the Model of those in their own Country.
I likewise order’d the Royal Library of _Tanachin_ to be remov’d to
_Quama_. I was determin’d, however, that as soon as the _Quamites_ had
made such a Progress in Literature as to be able to stand upon their
own Legs, I would send these Foreigners back into their own Country.
I was very desirous of seeing the _Tanachitish_ Library, because I
had been inform’d by their General _Tomopoloko_, that amongst other
Manuscripts in the Archives of the Library, there was one compos’d by
an Author who had been in our World, and had left a Description of
its different Kingdoms, especially the _European_ ones; he told me
likewise, that the _Tanachites_ had got Possession of this Book while
they were at War in a very distant Country, but that the Name of the
Author was conceal’d, nor could it ever be learnt who he was, or how he
was carry’d to the Superterranean Habitations.
Upon looking over the Book, I found what _Tomopoloko_ had told me
concerning the Author was true, and therefore I candidly discover’d
my Race and Country to him, assuring him at the same Time, that I had
declar’d the same Thing to the _Quamites_ at my first Arrival, but
that the stupid Mortals gave no Credit to my Narration, but would
needs have me to be an Embassador from the Sun, and still continued
to persist obstinately in that Error. I added likewise, that as I
look’d upon it to be a Crime to keep so vain a Title any longer, I was
at length determin’d to discover my Origin to the Publick, by which
ingenuous Confession I thought my Reputation would not in the least
suffer, especially as I hop’d, that the Reading of this Book would
convince every body how much the _Europeans_ excel all other People in
Virtue and in Knowledge. The prudent _Tomopoloko_ did not seem pleas’d
with my Design, and gave me his Sentiments upon it, as I remember, in
the following Terms. “Good Sir, before you proceed in your Design,
it will be necessary for you to see the Book, the Reading of which
may, perhaps, divert you from your Purpose; for either the Author has
misrepresented them, or the Manners of the Superterraneans are foolish
and absurd, and they are govern’d by Laws and Customs more worthy of
Laughter than Regard. But after you have read the Book, you may use
your own Discretion. One Piece of Advice, however, I will presume to
give you, and that is, not rashly to reject a Title which has render’d
you so venerable in the Opinion of the _Quamites_: For nothing serves
more effectually to restrain Men within the Bounds of Duty, than the
Opinion which the Vulgar entertain of Birth and high Descent.”
I took the Advice, and determin’d, with the Assistance of _Tomopoloko_,
to read the Book. The Title of it is this; _Tanian’s Journey to the
Superterranean World, or a Description of the Kingdoms and Countries
upon Earth_. The Name of _Tanian_ is thought to be fictitious, and as
the Book was grown mouldy for want of being taken due Care of, and
imperfect in several Places through Length of Time, what I wanted most
to see, namely, which Way the Author got up to our World, and down
again, was missing. These are the Contents of what remain’d of the Work.
_Fragments of_ Tanian_’s Journey above Ground, translated from the
Original, by the celebrated, noble, and valiant_ Tomopoloko,
_General of the_ Tanachites.
* * * This Country (i. e. _Germany_) goes by the Name of the _Roman_
Empire; but this is merely titular, for the _Roman_ Monarchy has been
extinct for several Ages. The Language, which the _Germans_ use, is
with much Difficulty to be understood, because the natural Order of
the Words is inverted; for what goes first in other Languages, comes
last in this, so that you may be oblig’d to read to the End of a Page
before you can comprehend the Meaning of it. The Form of Government is
strange. The _Germans_ think they have a King, and yet in Reality they
have none. _Germany_ is said to be one Empire, and yet it is divided
into many separate Principalities, each of which has the Sovereign
Power within itself, so that they often make War upon one another,
and have most certainly a Right so to do. The Empire is said to be
_always August_, though it is sometimes very much diminish’d; _Holy_,
tho’ without any _Holiness_; _Invincible_, though often expos’d to
the Depredations of its Neighbours. Nor are the Rights and Privileges
of this Nation less wonderful, since many have Rights, which they are
prohibited from making any Use of. Infinite are the Comments which have
been publish’d upon the State of the _German_ Empire, but so intricate
is the Subject, that in Spite of all their Labours they are at every
Turn as much at a Loss as ever concerning it; for * * * *
* * * * The Capital of this Kingdom (_France_) which is very large, is
call’d _Paris_. It may in some Sense be styl’d the Capital of _Europe_:
For it exercises a Kind of Jurisdiction over all other _European_
Nations. For Example, it prescribes Rules to them about their Eating,
and about the Fashion of their Cloaths; so that let any Fashion be
as ridiculous and as inconvenient as it will, all other Nations are
oblig’d to follow it, whenever the _Parisians_ are pleas’d to lead the
Way. How or what Time they acquir’d this Right, I could never learn.
Their Authority, however, did not, as I understood, extend to other
Things, for the rest of the _European_ Nations are often at War with
the _French_, and sometimes force them to accept of Peace upon very
severe Terms; but the Servitude they are under with regard to Dress,
and the Manner of Eating is perpetual; so that whatever Fashion is
invented at _Paris_, the rest of _Europe_ are strictly oblig’d to
come into it. The _Parisians_ very much resemble the _Martinians_ in
Quickness of Apprehension, the Love of Novelty, and a Fertility of
Invention.
* * * Having left _Bononia_, we went to _Rome_. This City is subject
to a Priest, who, though his Dominions are very narrow, is reckon’d
the most powerful of all the _European_ Kings and Princes. For other
Princes exercise Dominion only over the Persons and Estates of their
Subjects, but this can destroy their Souls likewise. The _Europeans_
in general believe, that the Keys of Heaven are in the Custody of
this Priest. I was very desirous of seeing so great a Curiosity, but
I lost my Labour, nor do I know, to this Day, what Form they are of,
or in what Cabinet they are kept. The Authority which this Pontiff
exercises, not only over his own Subjects, but over all Mankind,
chiefly consists in this, that he can absolve whom God condemns, and
condemn whom he absolves. An enormous Power, indeed! and such an one as
our Subterraneans will never believe can fall to any Mortal’s Share.
But it is an easy Matter to impose upon the _Europeans_ as one pleases,
and to make them swallow the greatest Absurdities, though they imagine
that nobody has any Understanding but themselves; and being puff’d with
this Opinion, they look down with Contempt upon all other Mortals, as
if they were Barbarians in Comparison of them.
For my Part, I do not undertake to justify the Manners, Laws, and
Customs of our Subterraneans; I will only produce some Instances of the
Customs of the _Europeans_, in order to make it appear how undeservedly
they pass a Censure upon the Manners of other Nations.
It is a Custom all over _Europe_ for People to scatter a Kind of Meal,
which is made by grinding the Fruits of the Earth, and which Nature
intended for Food, over their Hair and Cloaths. This Meal is commonly
call’d _Powder_, and great Care and Pains are us’d to cleanse their
Hair from it every Morning, with an Instrument call’d a Comb, in order
to make Room for more of the same Sort. They have another Custom
which appear’d to me no less ridiculous, which is this. They have a
Kind of little Cover, or Hat, to defend their Heads against the Cold,
which Cover they very often wear under one of their Arms, even in the
very Depth of Winter. This appear’d as absurd to me, as it would have
been to have seen a Man walking through the Streets with his Coat or
his Breeches in his Hand, and leaving his Body to be expos’d to the
Inclemencies of the Air, from which they were intended to defend it.
The religious Opinions of the _Europeans_ are very sound and agreeable
to right Reason. They are under an Injunction carefully to study the
Books in which the Rule of Faith and Practice is contain’d, in order to
discover their true Sense and Meaning. These Books recommend Indulgence
to weak Brethren, and such as happen to be mistaken; but if any should
chance to understand a Thing in a different Sense from the Majority,
he is punish’d for this Defect of Judgment by Fines, Imprisonment,
Whipping, and even sometimes by dying at a Stake. This seem’d to me
the same Thing, as if a Man, who happen’d to be short-sighted, should
undergo the Bastinado, only because Objects, which seem square to me,
appear round to him. I was inform’d, that Thousands had been hang’d and
burnt, by Order of the Magistrate, on this Account.
In almost every Town and Village, you see Men standing up in Places of
publick Resort, and severely reprimanding others for those Sins which
they themselves are daily guilty of; which is just as if one should
hear a Man in Liquor declaiming against Drunkenness.
Oftentimes a Person who is born humpback’d, crooked, or lame, shall be
ambitious of being thought handsome; and another sprung from the Dregs
of the People, shall be ambitious of a Coat of Arms, or a Title: Which
is full as absurd as if a Dwarf should affect to be call’d a Giant, or
an old Man, young.
It is a Custom in great Towns, for Friends and Acquaintance to visit
one another after Dinner, in order to drink a Kind of black Broth made
of burnt Beans. This Broth is commonly call’d Coffee. When they make
these Visits, they are shut up in a Box, which is fix’d upon four
Wheels, and drawn to the Place of Rendezvous by two Beasts of very
great Strength: For the _Europeans_ think it a Disgrace to use their
Legs.
Upon the first Day of the Year the _Europeans_ are seiz’d with a
Disease, which we have no Knowledge of amongst us. The Symptoms of it
are strange Commotions and Agitations of Mind, and an Inability to sit
still in any Place. They run about at such Times from one House to
another, as if they were distracted, without knowing why they do it.
The Disease sometimes lasts for fourteen Days. At length, when they are
quite fatigu’d and spent with continually running about, they come to
themselves again, and recover their former Health.
As the _Europeans_ have innumerable Diseases of Mind, so they have
innumerable Remedies. Some are seiz’d with a strange Passion of walking
in such a Manner, as that the left Sides of their Bodies may be turn’d
towards the right Sides of others. The farther North you go, the
stronger you find this Humour, which proves that it is all owing to the
Climate, and the Intemperature of the Air. This Disease is cur’d by
certain seal’d Papers, fill’d with Characters of a particular Kind. As
long as the Patient carries these Papers about him, by Way of Talisman
or Charm, he grows better and better by Degrees, till he is quite
recover’d.
Another raging Distemper they have, which is cur’d by the Sound of a
Bell, at the Noise of which the Mind immediately grows calm, and the
Disorder abates: Yet this Remedy is by no Means effectual, because in
two or three Hours Time the same raging Evil returns.
In _Italy_, _France_, and _Spain_, during the Winter Season, an
epidemick Madness prevails for several Weeks. They put a Stop to it
at length, by sprinkling the Foreheads of the Patients with Ashes, at
an appointed Time. But in the Northern Parts of _Europe_ these Ashes
have no Virtue, and the Inhabitants of the North recover by the Help of
Nature only.
Most of the _Europeans_ enter into a solemn Covenant with God, which
they call _the Communion_, three or four Times a Year, and break it
as soon as ever they have made it. So that they seem to make it for
no other Reason, but that they may shew that they are resolv’d not to
stand to their Agreement.
When they confess their Sins, and implore the Mercy of God, their Words
are generally set to Musick. Flutes, Trumpets, and Drums, are sometimes
added to the Concert, according to the Greatness of the Crime, for
which they are suing Pardon.
Almost all the _European_ Nations are obliged to confess their Belief
of a Doctrine contain’d in a certain sacred Book. But the reading this
Book is totally prohibited in the Southern Countries, so that People
there are laid under a Necessity of believing what it is criminal to
read or enquire into.
In the same Countries, Men are forbad to worship God in any, but an
unknown Tongue; so that such Prayers only are thought to be legitimate,
and agreeable to the divine Being, as are put up by Persons, who do not
understand a Word they say.
In the great Cities, such as arrive at Honours and profitable
Employments are all paralytick; for they are oblig’d to be carry’d
along the Streets, like weak and impotent People, on a Kind of Couch,
made in the Figure of a Chest or Box.
Most of the _Europeans_ shave their Heads, and to conceal their
Baldness, wear an artificial Covering made of other Peoples Hair.
The Controversies which are commonly discuss’d in the Schools in
_Europe_, are about Things, the Knowledge of which neither concerns
Mankind, nor is within the Reach of their Comprehension. But the most
learned Subjects of all, which the _Europeans_ comment upon, are the
Rings, Robes, Slippers, Shoes, and Buskins of certain antiquated
People, who liv’d many Centuries ago. As to the Sciences, as well
sacred as profane, the Generality do not judge for themselves, but
subscribe implicitly to the Opinion of others. Whatever Sect they
happen to fall into, they stick to it with all imaginable Firmness. As
to what they say of pinning their Faith upon the Sleeve of others who
are wiser than themselves, I should approve of it, were the Vulgar and
Illiterate proper Judges of this Matter; for to be able to distinguish
who is this wise Man that may be rely’d upon, requires the greatest
Wisdom.
In the Southern Countries, a Sort of little Cakes or Wafers are carry’d
about the Streets, which the Priests say are Gods: But what is most
surprizing, the very Bakers themselves, who shew you the Flour of which
they were made, will take their Oaths upon it, that the World was
created by these Wafers.
The _English_ are very fond of Liberty, and are subject to nobody
but their Wives. As to their Religion, it is hard to say what it is,
for they take up an Opinion one Day, and throw it aside the next. I
imputed this fickle Disposition to the Situation of the Country. For
the _English_ live upon an Island, and being a maritime People, partake
much of the Nature of the inconstant Element that surrounds them.
The _English_ are very sollicitous about the Health of every one they
meet, so that a Man would take them all to be Physicians. But that
common Question, _How do you do?_ I found to be only an empty Form of
Speech, and a Sound without any Sense or Meaning in it. Many of these
Islanders take so much Pains to improve their Minds, and polish their
Understandings, that at length they intirely lose them.
Towards the North, there is a Republick consisting of seven Provinces.
These go by the Name of the _United Provinces_, tho’ there is but
little Sign of Concord or Unity amongst them. The People here boast
of their Power, as if the whole Authority of the Republick was lodg’d
in their Hands; and yet the Populace are no where more excluded from
publick Employments, and the supreme Power is vested in a very few
Families. The Inhabitants of these Provinces are deeply attentive upon
heaping up Riches, which they make no Use of; so that while their
Purses are full, their Bellies are empty. They seem to live upon Smoke
only, which they suck in thro’ a Tube or Pipe, which is made of Clay.
It must be allow’d, however, for the Honour of this Nation, that they
are the neatest of all People, for they take great Care to wash every
Thing except their Hands.
In the Cities and great Towns in _Europe_, a Watch is kept in the
Street by Night. The Watchmen go their Rounds every Hour, and wake
People out of their Sleep, by wishing them a good Night.
Every Country has its peculiar Laws, and its peculiar Customs likewise,
which are ofttimes diametrically opposite to those Laws. For Example: A
Wife, according to the Laws, ought to be subject to her Husband; but
according to Custom, she has a Right to govern him.
Those who live most luxuriously, and consume the greatest Quantity of
the Products of the Earth, are held in most Esteem in _Europe_; and
only Husbandmen, and such as supply Materials for the Luxury of the
Great, are treated with Contempt.
The great Number of Gibbets, Gallows’s, and Places of Execution, which
are every where to be seen, shew the _Europeans_ to be People of very
bad Dispositions, and subject to many Kinds of Vices. There is a
publick Executioner in every City. The _English_ are an Exception to
this Rule, amongst whom, I believe, there are no Executioners; for the
People in that Country hang themselves.
One would suspect the _Europeans_ to be _Anthropophagi_, or Men-Eaters;
for it is a Custom amongst them to shut up a great Number of
able-body’d Men in Cloisters, which they call Monasteries, for no other
End, but that they may grow sleek and fat: And whilst they are kept
in these Cells, they are utterly exempted from all Labour, and have
nothing to do but to eat and drink.
The _Europeans_ have a Custom of drinking Water every Morning, to
moderate the Heat of their Stomachs; but before they are well grown
cool by this Means, they go to work to warm them again, by swallowing
down Draughts of fiery Liquors, which they call Drams.
The Religion of the _Europeans_ is divided into two principal Sects,
one of which are call’d Protestants, and the other Papists. The former
worship one God only; but the latter adore several, for they have as
many Gods and Goddesses, as there are Towns and Villages. All these
Gods and Goddesses are made by the _Roman_ Pontiff, or High-Priest.
This Pontiff himself is made by Presbyters, commonly call’d Cardinals.
Hence it appears how great the Power of these Cardinals must be, since
they can make him who makes the Gods.
The ancient Inhabitants of _Italy_ conquer’d the whole World, and were
only subject to their Wives: But the modern ones tyrannize over their
Wives, and are Slaves to all Mankind besides.
The Animals in _Europe_ are divided into terrestrial and aquatick.
There are some amphibious ones likewise, as Frogs, Dolphins, and
_Dutchmen_. The last dwell in a marshy Soil, and live upon Land or
Water indifferently.
The _Europeans_ use much the same Food that we do; But a _Spaniard_
will live upon Air.
Trade flourishes much in every Part of _Europe_, and many Commodities
are sold there in which we never traffick: Thus, for Example, the
_Romish_ Church sells Heaven; the _Swiss_ sell themselves; and in ***
Crowns, Scepters, and the Royal Authority itself are set to Sale.
In _Spain_, Laziness is the Token of a Gentleman, and nothing is a
greater Recommendation of Nobility than sleeping much. Those are call’d
good Men and true Believers, who believe what they do not understand,
and never think it worth their while to examine what they hear. Some
have even been reckon’d Saints merely for their Slothfulness, their
Want of Curiosity, and their neglecting to enquire into religious
Matters. But those who are sollicitous about their own Salvation, and
happen, through a diligent and accurate Enquiry, to dissent from any
reigning Opinion, are said to be damn’d to all Eternity.
It is a prevailing Opinion in _Europe_, that future Happiness or
Misery does not depend upon good Works, or the Exercise of Virtue and
Religion, but upon the Place of a Man’s Nativity. For all agree, that
if they had been born in another Place, or of other Parents, they
should have been of a different Religion. Hence they in Reality condemn
People not so much on Account of their Religion, as the Place, or other
Circumstances of their Birth. But how this Opinion is reconcileable
with the divine Justice or Goodness, I cannot comprehend.
Amongst the Men of Letters, those are most esteem’d, whose Business it
is to invert the natural Order of Words, and render that obscure and
perplex’d, which before was plain and easy. These are call’d Poets,
and this Art of disjointing Words goes by the Name of Poetry. But
Poetry does not consist in this Perversity of Stile only; because to
deserve that Name, a Composition must likewise be extremely full of
Lies. An ancient Poet, _Homer_ by Name, is held in high Esteem, and
almost Adoration, because he excell’d in both these Arts. Many have
imitated him, but nobody ever yet came up to him, either in confounding
the Order of Words, or perverting the Truth.
The _Literati_ of _Europe_ are very fond of buying Books, but in this
Point they do not so much regard the Matter they contain, as they do
the Form and Neatness of them. The Booksellers, who are well aware of
this, and know that their learned Customers had rather feast their Eyes
than their Minds, are perpetually reprinting their Books in a different
Size and Letter, and with new Decorations; by which Means they make
an infinite Advantage. For in this Country the liberal Arts are made
a Trade of, and some Authors are reckon’d as sharp and cunning as any
Trader at all.
The Universities in _Europe_ are Shops, where Degrees, Promotions,
Dignities, and various Kinds of Titles, and other learned Wares, are
set to Sale at reasonable Rates: All which are not to be acquir’d in
our Subterranean World without indefatigable Pains and Study for Years
together. Those who have reach’d the Summit of all Erudition, or (in
the _European_ Phrase) have got to the Top of a certain Mountain,
call’d _Parnassus_, inhabited by nine Virgins, are styl’d Doctors.
The next to these are Masters of Arts, who come at their Titles at
somewhat a less Expence, and are therefore thought to be less learned.
The Good-will which these Superterranean Schools bear to Mankind is
evident, from their thus rendring the Way to Learning smooth and easy.
The Northern Seminaries were a little more rigid in this Respect,
since the highest Honours are not there conferr’d without a previous
Examination.
The Learned are distinguish’d from the Illiterate by their Dress and
Manners, but chiefly by their Religion; for the latter worship only
one God, but the former pay their Devotions to several. The principal
Deities of the Learned are _Apollo_, _Minerva_, the Nine Muses, and
others of an inferior Rank, which Writers, and especially Poets, are
wont to invoke at such Times as they fall into Raptures, or a Kind of
Raving.
The Learned, according to the Diversity of their Studies, are
distinguish’d into various Classes; for Instance, Philosophers, Poets,
Grammarians, Naturalists, Metaphysicians, _&c._
A Philosopher is a literary Merchant, who sets to Sale Precepts
concerning Self-Denial, Temperance, and Poverty, at a stated Price, and
spends his Time in writing and declaiming against Riches till he grows
rich himself. The Father of these Philosophers was one _Seneca_, who,
by this Method, amass’d together a princely Fortune.
A Poet is a Person who acquires Renown by being thought to be out of
his Senses. Hence it is usual to speak of all great Poets, as possess’d
with a divine Fury or Distraction; and all who express their Thoughts
with Simplicity and Perspicuity, are judg’d unworthy of the Laurel.
The Grammarians are a Sort of Militia, whose only Business is to
disturb the publick Peace. They differ from the other Soldiery in
this Respect, that instead of a Coat of Mail, they wear a Gown, and
fight with their Pens instead of Swords. They contend as obstinately
for Letters and Syllables, as the others do for their Liberties and
Properties. The Reason why they are kept up, I believe, is this, that
the _European_ Princes are afraid lest People in a Time of Peace should
grow dull, and lose their Spirits for want of somewhat like a War.
Sometimes, however, when these Differences begin to threaten Bloodshed,
the Senate interposes its Authority. An Accident of this Kind happen’d
not long ago at _Paris_, as I was told. For a Dispute concerning the
Letters Q and K growing to a Height among the Doctors, the Senate
wisely put an End to it, by allowing every one to use the Letter he
lik’d best.
A Naturalist, or Natural Philosopher, is a Person who diligently
enquires into the Nature of Quadrupeds, Reptiles, and Insects of all
Kinds, and who is acquainted with every Thing, except himself.
A Metaphysician is one who alone knows those Things which are conceal’d
from others, and who can describe and define the Essence of Spirits
and of Souls, of Entities and Non-Entities; and who being very
sharp-sighted in spying out Things at a Distance, overlooks such as are
almost under his Nose.
Such is the State of Learning in _Europe_. I could say more upon this
Head, but it is sufficient to have touch’d upon the principal Points.
The Reader will easily judge from hence, whether the _Europeans_ are
right or wrong, in thinking no People have any Knowledge but themselves.
It must be confess’d, however, that the Doctors and Masters in
_Europe_, are much more dextrous in instructing Youth, than our
Subterraneans are. For they have Masters of Arts, and of Languages,
among them, who teach others not only what they have learnt themselves,
but even what they are utterly unacquainted with. If it is an arduous
Task, to communicate clearly to others what we know ourselves, surely
it is much more so to teach them what we are intirely ignorant of.
Amongst the Men of Learning, there are some who apply themselves,
with equal Diligence, both to Philosophy and Divinity. These Men, as
Divines, dare not deny, what as Philosophers they very much doubt of.
The _Europeans_ apply themselves to Letters with as much Industry as we
do; but they become learned in much less Time, by Means of a certain
extraordinary magical Invention, by the Help whereof they can read over
a hundred Volumes in a Day.
The Superterraneans are very religious, and constant at Divine Service;
but their Times of Worship are not regulated by the Motions of the
Heart, but by the Ringing of Bells, by Clocks, or Sun-Dials; so that
this Devotion seems to be purely mechanical, and to depend upon
Externals, upon Custom, or upon stated Times, rather than to flow from
the Dictates of the Heart.
Their Taste for religious Duties appears from their Custom of singing
Hymns or Psalms, while they are cleaving Wood, washing Dishes, or
employ’d in any other manual Labour.
When I arriv’d in _Italy_, I look’d upon myself to be Lord of the whole
Country, for every one I met profess’d himself my Slave. Having a Mind
to try how far this Servility, which they made such a Shew of, would
extend, I order’d my Landlord’s Wife to be brought to me one Night:
But he immediately fell into a Passion, and commanded me to pack up my
Baggage and be gone; and as I did not make haste enough, he fairly
turn’d me out of Doors,
In the Northern Countries, People are very fond of Titles, though
they have not the Possessions which belong to them. They are likewise
extremely ambitious of the upper Hand. Moreover * * *
Thus far I patiently attended, but my Indignation was now rais’d,
and I would hear no more, declaring, that these were Fictions of a
partial Writer, and one who was over-run with Spleen. But when my Heat
a little abated, I began to form a more favourable Judgment of this
Itinerary, as I saw that the Author, though he appear’d in many Places
to be partial, and not to have had the best Regard to Truth, was not,
however, mistaken in his Judgment, but had often hit the Nail, as we
say, on the Head.
I now determin’d with myself, to take the Advice of _Tomopoloko_, and
cherish the Error of the _Quamites_ concerning my Origin; since I
thought it more for my Interest to pass for an Embassador Extraordinary
from the Sun, than for a Citizen of _Europe_.
Our Neighbours had now continued quiet for a long Time, and I had
taken the Advantage of this wish’d for Peace, to settle the Republick
to my Satisfaction. News at length arriv’d, that three very powerful
Nations had enter’d into an Alliance to invade the _Quamites_. These
were the _Arctonians_, the _Kispucians_, and the _Alectorians_. The
_Arctonians_ were a Nation of Bears, who were endued with Speech and
Reason, and were reckon’d very fierce and warlike. The _Kispucians_
were Cats of an extraordinary Size, and were in great Repute among the
Subterraneans, for their Sagacity and Judgment: For this Reason they
kept some very powerful Enemies in Awe, not so much by their superior
Strength, as by their Artifice and Stratagems. The _Alectorians_
fought in the Air, as well as upon Land, and by that Means gave their
Enemies infinite Vexation: These were Game-Cocks, arm’d with Bows and
Arrows dipt in Poison, which they manag’d with wonderful Dexterity, and
thereby did great Execution.
These three Nations, alarm’d at the unusual Success of the _Quamites_,
enter’d into a League or Alliance, by which it was agreed to check
the growing Power of the _Quamites_ with their united Force, before
it spread any further. However, before they declar’d War, they
sent Embassadors to _Quama_, to demand that the Liberties of the
_Tanachites_ might be restor’d, and to threaten War, in case such
Demands were not comply’d with.
The Embassadors deliver’d their Commission, and receiv’d the following
Answer, which was given them by my Advice: That the _Tanachites_
having broken the Peace, and violated the Faith of Treaties, ought to
impute the Misfortune they were fallen into, to their own Folly and
Presumption; that the Emperor was resolv’d, with all his Might, to
defend the Territories he had acquir’d by Right of War; and lastly,
that he was not to be aw’d by the Threats of the Confederate Nations.
The Heralds were dismiss’d with this Answer, and we turn’d our Thoughts
towards making Preparations for the impending War. In a short Time I
got together an Army of forty thousand Men, among which eight thousand
Horse, and two thousand Musketeers. The Emperor, though he was grown
decrepid through Age, resolv’d to be present in this Expedition, and
was inflam’d with such a Thirst of Glory, that neither I myself,
nor the Empress and her Children, who join’d with me in striving to
overcome his Obstinacy, could divert him from his Purpose. What gave me
the most Disturbance at that Time, was my Jealousy of the _Tanachites_;
for I was afraid lest they should grow weary of their Servitude, and
lay hold of that Occasion to shake off the Yoke, and join the Enemy.
Nor was I deceiv’d in my Conjecture; for a little while after War had
been proclaim’d, News was brought us, that twelve thousand _Tanachites_
had taken Arms, and were gone over to the Enemy. Hence I saw, that we
should have four powerful Enemies to Struggle with at one and the same
Time.
All necessary Preparations being made, the Army was commanded to
begin their March towards the Enemy in the Beginning of the Month
_Kilian_. As we were upon the Road, Intelligence was brought us, that
the Confederate Forces had enter’d the Country of the _Tanachites_, and
laid Siege to the Castle of _Sibol_, which was situated on the Borders
of the _Kispucian_ Territories. The Place was attack’d with so great a
Force, and with so much Violence, that the Governor was just going to
surrender it. But as soon as the Enemy were inform’d of our Approach,
they broke up the Siege, and march’d against us. The Battle was fought
upon a Plain, not far from the Fortress which had been besieg’d, from
whence it was call’d the Battle of _Sibol_. The _Arctonians_, which
compos’d the Enemies left Wing, falling upon our Horse, made great
Slaughter of them; and, as this Attack was supported by the Rebel
_Tanachites_, it was very near proving fatal to us. But the Musketeers
going in to their Assistance, and having thrown the Enemy into Disorder
by two Discharges of their Artillery, the Face of the Battle was quite
chang’d; so that they who but just now had borne down our Horse,
and were almost Conquerors, being now borne down themselves, began
to give Way, and at last to turn their Backs. In the mean Time the
_Kispucians_ briskly attack’d our Foot, and shot their Arrows with so
much Art, and with such Success, that six hundred _Quamites_ were, in
a very little Time, either shot dead, or desperately wounded. But
the Horse, together with the Musketeers, coming to their Assistance,
the Enemy were oblig’d to save themselves by Flight; which they did,
however, in so good Order, without once breaking their Ranks, that
they might be rather said to yield than fly. This was owing to the
Conduct of _Monsonius_, General of the _Kispucians_, who at that Time
was thought to excel all the Subterranean Generals in the Art of War.
The _Alectorians_ yet remain’d, whom it was no easy Matter to subdue;
for as oft as our Musketeers fir’d upon them, the Enemy sprung up all
at once into the Air, and thence discharg’d a Shower of Arrows, which
were so well aim’d, that few of them fell to the Ground without doing
Execution. The Reason why these Arrows seldom miss’d their Aim, was
because it is easier to hit an Object when you are above, than when
you are below it. Our Men often miss’d their Mark, because the Enemy
were so volatile, and perpetually Shifting Places. In the Midst of the
Engagement, whilst the Emperor was in the very Heat of Action, his
Neck was pierc’d through with a poison’d Arrow. He fell from his Horse
immediately, and was carry’d out of the Battle to his Tent, where he
expir’d soon after. In this ticklish Situation of Affairs, I thought it
most advisable to injoin all such as had been Witnesses of this unhappy
Accident, to keep it secret, lest the Ardour of the Soldiers should
abate upon hearing the Emperor was dead. I bade them take Courage, and
told them, that the King indeed was stunn’d with the sudden Stroke, but
that the Arrow had not enter’d deep; that the Wound had been search’d,
and taken due Care of; that every Thing would go well, and that they
might expect to see their Emperor again very soon. By this Means most
of the Army were kept in Ignorance of what had happen’d, and the Battle
was prolong’d till Night. At length the _Alectorians_ quite spent with
Labour, and the Wounds they had receiv’d, retir’d into their Camp, and
a Truce of a few Days Continuance was agreed upon, in order to bury the
dead Bodies. In the mean Time, as I found that there was need of some
other Stratagem to subdue the _Alectorians_, I order’d our Musket-Ball
to be cast into small Shot. This Project was attended with so good
Success, that at our next Encounter the _Alectorians_ came tumbling
down apace, and one Half of the Army perish’d in a miserable Manner:
Those that were left seeing this, threw down their Arms, and begg’d for
Peace. The _Arctonians_ and _Kispucians_ follow’d their Example, and
committed themselves, their Arms, and Fortresses to our Mercy. Matters
being thus brought to a happy Issue, I call’d a Council, and address’d
them in the following Harangue.
“Gentlemen and Fellow-Soldiers, I do not doubt but most of you are
well acquainted, how earnestly I dissuaded our most Serene Emperor
from this Expedition; but his innate Fortitude and Magnanimity would
not permit him to remain idle at home, while his faithful Subjects
were exposing their Lives abroad in his Defence. I can truly say, that
this is the only Request which his Imperial Majesty ever refus’d to
grant me. How happy should I have thought myself had he refus’d me
every Thing besides, and only been indulgent to me in this! For then
we should not have known that Calamity that now hangs over us, our
Return into the Imperial City would have been truly triumphant, and
our Joys for our Success would have been pure and unmix’d. I cannot,
nor indeed ought I, any longer conceal from you that fatal Accident
which has thus dash’d all our Happiness. Attend then to the dreadful
News: Your Emperor, while he was gallantly fighting for his Subjects,
was pierc’d by an Arrow in the Battle, and now lies breathless in his
Tent. What Grief, what Anguish must not the Loss of such a Prince
occasion? I can easily make a Judgment of your Sorrows from what I
feel myself. But let us not give Way to Despondency: Death, to such
a Hero, is not the End of Life, but only the Period of Mortality. We
have not wholly lost our Emperor, since he has left two Princes behind,
form’d after the Example of the best of Parents, and who inherit their
Father’s Virtues, as well as his Dominions. You cannot, therefore, be
so properly said to change your King, as the bare Name of King. And
since the eldest Prince, _Timuso_, is by Right of Primogeniture to be
promoted to his Father’s Throne, I shall henceforth derive my Authority
from him. He it is to whom we ought to swear Allegiance, and to whom we
will now pay Homage.”