(Sitting-room of the De Smythe home. Bouquets with cards attached.
Maude's desk, open, in confusion. Her hat and gloves on a chair. Jack,
Miss Rantum and Maude, latter "practicing.")
_Miss R._ (decidedly). It is best to hold it in one hand.
_Jack_ (surprised beyond measure). Oh, are you going to read it?
_Maude_ (standing in the middle of the room). W-e-l-l, not exactly read
it, you know.
_Maude_ I really know it--almost.
_Jack_ Then don't hold the paper.
_Maude_ (apprehensively). Oh, but if I should forget!
_Jack_ (confidently). You won't!
_Maude_ I might! Oh, it's very easy for you to say orate, for you can!
_Jack_ (conscious of ability). Yes, but you could, too.
_Miss R._ What is the subject of your oration, Mr. Hamilton?
_Jack_ (modestly). "Universality in Statecraft."
_Maude_ And it's a dandy! You ought to hear him when he comes to, "For
of all the nations, builded of power and sealed with blood--" (in
tremendous tones).
_Jack_ Oh, now, Maude, I say, let up.
_Maude_ Well, honest, you are fine. No I should die if I forgot,--just
simply die.
_Miss R._ It is wiser for her to hold her manuscript, I think. This is
an essay, not an oration.
_Maude_ (sitting down and getting up, a la Delsarte). Of course, Jack,
don't you see? It is an essay, not an oration. Now, did I get up
right?
_Miss R._ Try it again.
_Maude_ (repeats the operation and advances very stiffly). Is that it?
_Jack_ (judicially). Too corky.
_Miss R._ Be leisurely. Leisure is elegance. And bend more. Try it
again,--so. (illustrates).
_Maude_ (doing likewise). I do hope I won't drop anything. How was that?
_Miss R._ (hesitating). A trifle--just a trifle--well, er-stiff. Of all
things, a lady must rise well.
_Jack_ Yes, not as if she were shot out of a cannon!
_Maude_ Jack, you keep still!
_Miss R._ Try it again--so. (illustrates). Bend from the waist.
(Maude does so amid solemn silence.)
_Jack_ (graciously). That was better.
_Miss R._ Now, go on.
_Maude_ (reading). "Life's Inner Meanings."
_Miss R._ Louder and more deliberately. "Life's Inner Meanings."
_Maude_ "Life's Inner Meanings."
_Miss R._ Go on, not too fast. Don't hold it so high and bend the body
forward from the waist.
_Maude_ (in high shrill tones). "As a traveler, among the mighty
mountains, fails to realize the height to which he has climbed--"
(Stops, winded.)
_Miss R._ Compose yourself, compose yourself! Your voice is--well,
unnatural.
_Jack_ Yes, it's squeaky.
_Maude_ (with heat). It isn't! You're awfully mean! I've got to be
heard!
_Miss R._ Try it again. Use a deeper tone. "As a traveler, among the
mighty mountains, fails to realize the height--" Now, go on.
_Maude_ (nervously). "As a traveler, among the mighty mountains, fails
to realize the height to which he has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty
pathway, cannot estimate the distance we have traveled." O, Miss
Rantum, that isn't right!
_Miss R._ No, not exactly, not precisely right. You see, you--
_Jack_ Why don't you use "journeyed" instead of "traveled"?
_Maude_ (ignoring him). Miss Rantum, what is the matter with it? I'm not
doing as well as I did last week!
_Miss R._ No, you really aren't, but--
_Jack_ I say, why don't you change--
_Maude_ (imploringly). What is the matter, Miss Rantum?
_Miss R._ It isn't firm. You don't seem to know what you are saying.
_Maude_ (in grave-yard tones). "As the traveler, among the mighty
mountains, fails to--"
_Jack_ (ditto). Finally, my beloved brethren--
_Miss R._ (hastily). Lighter, but firmly. Use a conversational tone, "As
the traveler, among the mountains;" "It is a very pleasant day," "How
do you do?" See?
_Maude_ (in light, quivering tones). "As a traveler, among the
mountains--mighty mountains--fails to realize the height to which he
has climbed--has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot
estimate the distance we have traveled."
_Jack_ "Climbed--climbed." I don't like "climbed" there; wouldn't
"attained" be better?
_Maude_ Professor Grindem didn't say so.
_Jack_ "Attained" is a prettier word.
_Maude_ (earnestly). Do you think so?
_Miss R._ "Climbed" is better. It is a real traveler and real mountains,
hence "climbed." "Attained" sounds as if it were ideals, you know.
_Maude_ (sighing profoundly). Yes, I think so, too. Besides, it's too
late to change it now. I'd forget.
_Jack_ All right! "On with the dance." I'm no judge.
_Miss R._ Go on with the next paragraph.
_Maude_ The next isn't a paragraph.
_Miss R._ (very patiently and gently). Well, go on with the next.
_Maude_ "Among life's bright flowers, its rugged slopes, its pleasant
walleys--"
_Miss R._ Valleys.
_Maude_ "Its pleasant walleys, its--"
_Miss R._ Valleys.
_Maude_ (nervously). Let me start over.
_Miss R._ Well, only use deeper tones. (She sits down.)
_Maude_ (very slowly). "Among life's bright flowers, its rugged slopes,
its pleasant walleys--valleys, its dangerous pitfalls, we cannot
realize the magnitood of the common things about us."
_Miss R._ "Magnitude," not "tood."
_Maude_ "The magnitude of the common things about us."
_Miss R._ Touch "common things" more lightly; "of the common things
about us,"--"common things."
_Maude_ (takes a sprint). We cannot realize the magnitood--tude--of the
"common--" oh, dear, I can never say it!"
_Miss R._ Yes, you can. You are doing well,--remarkably well.
_Maude_ O Miss Rantum!
_Jack_ You are, honest Injun! It'll be dandy.
_Miss R._ Please read,--are you tired standing?
_Maude_ (dismally). No,--I got to get it.
_Miss R._ Please read that second paragraph--sentence--again.
_Maude_ (taking a brace). Among life's bright flowers, its rugged
slopes--
_Miss R._ R-r-r-rugged slopes.
_Maude_ Rugged slopes.
_Miss R._ No, r-r-rugged slopes. Trill your "r."
_Maude_ (flatly). I can't.
_Jack_ What's the use? I don't think she need. People only do that on
Decoration Day. "Br-rave, r-rugged heroes," you know.
(Enter Katherine.)
_Katherine_ Miss Maude, a letter from you--for you, I mean. (Hands one
in awestruck manner and escapes.)
_Jack_ That girl is scared to death at anything that looks like writing.
Did you see her?
_Miss R._ (leaning back in her chair). Is she of foreign extraction?
_Jack_ No, foreign distraction.
_Maude_ (falling into a chair and opening letter). From Valeria. She
can't come over this afternoon. She's got to, to--I can't make it out.
(spells slowly). B-a-an, B-a-n--
_Jack_ Banana, maybe. She's got to banana. Let me see it, I'm used to
her hand.
_Maude_ Indeed! (elaborately). Indeed, you are! Maybee this is your
note?
_Jack_ You needn't get so mad. Let her banana. I don't care!
_Maude_ (springing up). Neither do I! Take the note!
(Katherine appears at the door.)
_Katherine_ (in much trepidation). Perfesser Grindem.
_Jack_ (pleasantly). All right Katherine, we are perpared!
(Enter Professor Grindem.)
_Grindem_ (bows profoundly, repeatedly). Ah, good morning, ladies, good
morning! Mr. Hamilton, ah, good morning! How is the work progressing?
(Jack shakes hands. Miss Rantum bows distantly.)
_Maude_ (tearing note into tiny bits). I shall be scared to death.
_Grindem_ (cordially). Not at all, Miss Maude, ah, not at all! Not at
all! You will feel power,--power is ahem!--power is a great thing--a
great thing.
_Maude_ (dejectedly). Yes, Professor.
(Enter Mrs. De Smythe)
_Grindem_ May I hear the--ah, Mrs. De Smythe, good morning!
(Mrs. De Smythe adjusts herself on couch.)
_Mrs. De S._ Yes, Maudie, dear, read it all to us. O Matilda, Matilda,
my salts! Now, Maudie!
(Miss Hoppenhoer bustles in and takes her station behind couch.)
_Maude_ (painfully taking "position"). "Life's Inner Meanings."
_Mrs. De S._ A very pretty subject, I think.
_Miss H._ (sniffs). A very pretty broad one, I think!
_Maude_ (impressively). "Life's Inner Meanings."
_Miss R._ Stand straighter, Miss Maude--so.
_Jack_ I think that's awkward,--looks as if she were going to cry "Lay
on, Macduff!"
_Maude_ Why, Jack Hamilton!
_Mrs. De S._ Jack's only joking. Why don't you go on?
_Maude_ "Life's Inner Meanings," (then, very rapidly). "As a traveler
among the mighty mountains, fails to realize the height to which he
has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot estimate the
distance we have traveled. Among life's bright flowers, its rugged
slopes, its pleasant walleys--valleys, its dangerous pitfalls, we
cannot realize the magnitood--tude--magnitude of the common things
about us." (Stops, breathless.)
_Miss R._ Don't sway so. Hold the body firm.
_Mrs. De S._ There's no hurry, child.
_Jack_ That pace would kill!
_Miss R._ (to Professor Grindem). Her voice is not deep enough. It lacks
impressiveness.
_Grindem_ Yes, it lacks power--power, I should say.
_Maude_ (near tears). I can't get a new voice for this old essay!
_Miss H._ Yes, you ought to; you ought to be made over if you're going
to graduate!
_Mrs. De S._ Do go on; I am very fond of the next part.
_Maude_ (continues). "We stand upon the brink--"
_Miss R._ More rapidly there, "We stand upon the brink!"
_Maude_ (in exact imitation). "We stand upon the brink."
_Jack_ (ditto). That is, if we don't fall off--
_Maude_ Make Jack be still or I--I--can't!
_Jack_ Beg your pardon, but really, 'a brink,' you know.
_Maude_ "We stand upon the brink--who can guess what say the dashing
waters beneath? Who can interpret the silence of the eternal stars? We
rest in the walley--valley, who can understand the whispering of the
leaves? Who can read the secrets of the ocean blue? O, deep are the
inner meanings,--deep, deep are the mysteries of nature, infinite are
the suggestions of life!"
_Grindem_ Too, rapidly, Miss Maude,--too rapidly. Those are grand
sentiments,--give 'em time--give 'em time.
_Miss R._ There is not enough emotion in the climax: "Deep, deep are the
mysteries of nature!" Read it (in a cellerage tone). "Deep, deep are
the mysteries of nature!"
_Maude_ (using the "vox humana stop"). "Deep, deep are the mysteries of
nature!"
_Mrs. De S._ (soothingly). You are not doing so well, Maudie, today.
_Miss H._ No, I think you get worse.
_Maude_ Nobody c-could! You all find fault. (weeps). You couldn't do any
better--none of you--so there now!
_Miss H._ Never mind! It doesn't matter. Don't graduate.
_Maude_ (still weeping). It does matter! It d-does! I don't want to
disgrace the family.
_Miss H._ Ought to have commenced sooner, then, if you didn't!
_Voice from without._ Who's going to disgrace the family? I'd like to
see 'em try it.
(As Mr. De Smythe appears, Professor Grindem and Jack go out, in deep
converse.)
_Maude_ I am!
_Mr. De S._ Oh, no, you're not,--not by the R.I.P. Railroad!
(cheerfully). You won't be permitted to, Miss! Doesn't the dress fit?
_Maude_ (with intense scorn). The dress! Oh, Papa, my piece!
_Mr. De S._ O, you're piece! Say it to me! I haven't heard it today.
_Maude_ You're making fun of me!
_Miss H._ The child is worn out.
_Maude_ I am not worn out! I am not a baby! (collapses). I wish I was
d-d-dead!
_Mrs. De S._ O dear! O dear! Maudie, child!
_Maude_ I just w-wish I was.
_Mr. De S._ W-h-y-ee! When I have brought you your present! I am
astonished!
_Maude_ Have you? Oh, Papa, have you? Let me see!
_Mr. De S._ (taking out of his pocket a tiny case). No more tears?
_Maude_ (rubbing eyes hard). No--never.
_Mr. De S._ Honest? I've never seen so many tears. We are a Johnstown
flood lately. (Gives jeweler's case.)
_Maude_ A watch! A w-a-t-c-h!! (flies at him).
(Re-enter Jack and Mr. Bulbus.)
_Mr. Bulbus._ (bows awkwardly). I come to see about them decorations.
_Maude_ (rapturously). A watch!
_Mr. De S._ Guess we don't need 'em, Mr. Bulbus. There is something
going on at the school that night.
_Maude_ I was afraid it would be books. (She and Jack examine the watch
aside.)
_Mrs. De S._ We might have a reception.
_Miss H._ Jennie, you'll be sick! Mark my words, you'll have an attack!
_Mrs. De S._ But it's so nearly over--
_Mr. De S._ Ought we to have one? Does everybody?
_Miss H._ (sarcastically). Does everybody have what? Have an attack?
_Mr. De S._ (patiently). A reception.
_Mrs. De S._ It's the thing to do, isn't it, Miss Rantum?
_Miss R._ (looks up from Maude's MS., which she has been studying). I
beg your pardon, Mrs. De Smythe?
_Mrs. De S._ It's the thing to do--to have a reception, isn't it?
_Miss R._ They always do in Boston.
_Maude_ Do what in Boston?
_Miss R._ They have receptions. (with great dignity).
_Jack_ And Beans.
(Miss Rantum straightens up to retort, but Mr. De Smythe cuts in.)
_Mr. De S._ And here is Mr. Bulbus waiting! He is a business man, you
know. When do you want him, Jennie?
_Mr. B._ (confusedly). Yes, sir.
_Maude_ (sweetly). You'd just as soon wait, wouldn't you, Mr. Bulbus?
_Mr. B._ (blushing, drops hat). Yes, I-d--I'd--I'd rather.
_Mrs. De S._ We must decide while Mr. Bulbus is here, so we can get his
suggestions.
_Mr. B._ (standing like a stork). Yes'sum.
_Miss R._ (preparing to depart). Well, Miss Maude, I think we will not
need another rehearsal.
_Maude_ Oh, Miss Rantum, do you think I can do it all right?
_Miss R._ Yes, I think so. You must rest this evening.
_Maude_ The Juniors are to give us a spread.
_Miss R._ (definitely). But you must not go. Mr. De Smythe, may I speak
to you?
_Mr. De S._ Go on with your reception business. Mr. Bulbus hasn't all
day. (Goes out with Miss Rantum.)
_Mr. B._ (changes weight to other foot). Yes, sir.
_Mrs. De S._ Won't you be seated, Mr. Bulbus?
_Mr. B._ (sits on edge of small chair). Yessum, thank yer.
_Maude_ Let's have just the graduating class.
_Jack_ No, I'm dead tired of the push! Let's have a picked
crowd,--friends of "the highly contracting parties," you know.
_Mrs. De S._ We ought to have your professors.
_Maude_ We'd have to invite Grindem, and he's so awfully--
_Mrs. De S._ Professor Grindem is a very delightful gentleman, Maudie!
_Jack_ (in imitation). Yes, ahem, he has--power--ahem,--power is--power
is a wonderful thing, a wonderful thing!
_Mrs. De S._ Well, as to the decorations.
_Maude_ Smilax from the chandelier--
_Jack_ Don't let's have any smilax. It's too much like funerals.
(Mr. De Smythe returns.)
_Mr. De S._ Well, Mr. Bulbus, have they decided?
_Mrs. De S._ No, Papa, we can't decide who to have.
_Mrs. De S._ Let that slide now, and go into a committee of the whole on
decorations.
_Maude_ Let's--but I don't want the faculty.
_Jack_ You'd like to have Professor Graham. All girls are gone on him.
_Mrs. De S._ We needn't order cut flowers. All of Maudie's--(stops to
cough).
_Miss H._ (throws down her darning). Jennie, you'll have an attack! I
won't be no committee! I won't encourage this nonsense. Education is
all right; everybody needs a little,--enough to make an honest livin'.
But look at your mother, look at your father! They're plumb wore out
settin' up nights to get you graduated! In my day when girls got
through school they quit, they didn't go to Commencin' and carrin' on!
I won't be no committee of the whole nor no other kind. When you're
all dead nobody can blame me! (walks out, sniffing disdainfully).
_Mrs. De S._ (rising hastily). Oh, dear, now she'll go sweep every room
in the house! (goes out in haste).
_Maude_ (springs up). Mamma mustn't wear herself out. It would be all
right if Auntie had graduated. (goes in haste).
_Mr. De S._ (gazing helplessly after them all). Matilda's Declaration of
Independence! (seating himself resignedly). Draw up your chairs,
gentlemen. We'll have to 'wait til the clouds roll by'.
(Curtain falls on the three men looking at each other silently.)