MR. PUNCH, My dear Sir,--You didn't get a instructiv article from
my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a
dreffle shock. I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and it
utterly upsot me. I was walkin in Regent Street one day last
week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at
once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour
steady. I acted promptly. I called a cab and told the driver to
run his hoss at a friteful rate of speed to my lodgins, but it
wasn't of no avale. I had orful cramps, and my appytite left me,
and my pults went down to 10 degrees below zero. But by careful
nussin I shall no doubt recover speedy, if the present sparklin
and exileratin weather continners.
[All of the foregoin is sarcasum.]
It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent
British Mooseum till the other day. I've sent a great many peple
there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however. It
happened thusly: When one of my excellent countrymen jest
arrived in London would come and see me, and display a
inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showing a respect
for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would sugjest a visit to
the Mooseum and Tower. The Mooseum would ockepy him a day at
leest, and the Tower another. Thus I've derived considerable
peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and I hope they will
long continner to grace your metroplis. There's my fren Col.
Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say understands the
Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me about it; I sent him
to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't got throogh with it
yit. He likes it very much, and he writes me that he can't never
thank me sufficient for directin him to so interestin a bildin.
I writ him not to mention it. The Col. says it is fortnit we
live in a intellectooal age which wouldn't countenance such
infamus things as occurd in this Tower. I'm aware that it is
fashin'ble to compliment this age, but I ain't so clear that the
Col. is altogether right. This is a very respectable age, but
it's pretty easily riled; and considerin upon how slight a
provycation we who live in it go to cuttin each other's throats,
it may perhaps be doubted whether our intellecks is so much
massiver than our ancestors' intellecks was, after all.
I allus ride outside with the cabman. I am of humble parentage,
but I have (if you will permit me to say so) the spirit of the
eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four-wheeler, and I feel
much eagler when I'm in the open air. So on the mornin on which
I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe, and callin a cab, I told the
driver to take me there as quick as his Arabian charger could go.
The driver was under the inflooence of beer and narrerly escaped
runnin over a aged female in the match trade, whereupon I
remonstratid with him. I said, "That poor old woman may be the
only mother of a young man like you." Then throwing considerable
pathos into my voice, I said:
"That poor old woman may be the only mother of a young man like
you. Then throwing considerable pathos into my voice I said,
"You have a mother?"
He said, "You lie!" I got down and called another cab, but said
nothin to this driver about his parents.
The British Mooseum is a magnificent free show for the people.
It is kept open for the benefit of all.
The humble costymonger, who traverses the busy streets with a
cart containin all kinds of vegetables, such as carrots, turnips,
etc, and drawn by a spirited jackass--he can go to the Mooseum
and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord of high degree.
"And this," I said, "is the British Mooseum! "These noble
walls," I continnerd, punching them with my umbreller to see if
the masonry was all right--but I wasn't allowd to finish my
enthoosiastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on his hat
said, in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the walls. I told
him I would do so by all means. "You see," I said, taking hold
of the tassel which waved from the man's belt, and drawin him
close to me in a confidential way, "You see, I'm lookin round
this Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it."
Instid of larfin hartily at these remarks, which was made in a
goakin spirit, the man frowned darkly and walked away.
I first visited the stuffed animals, of which the gorillers
interested me most. These simple-minded monsters live in Afriky,
and are believed to be human beins to a slight extent, altho'
they are not allowed to vote. In this department is one or two
superior giraffes. I never woulded I were a bird, but I've
sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the long distance
from his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved beer, one
mugful would give him as much enjoyment while goin down, as forty
mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he wouldn't get intoxicated,
which is a beastly way of amusin oneself, I must say. I like a
little beer now and then, and when the teetotallers inform us, as
they frekently do, that it is vile stuff, and that even the swine
shrink from it, I say it only shows that the swine is a ass who
don't know what's good; but to pour gin and brandy down one's
throat as freely as though it were fresh milk, is the most
idiotic way of goin' to the devil that I know of.
I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian mummays, the
Greek vasis, etc, but it occurd to me there was rayther too many
"Roman antiquitys of a uncertin date." Now, I like the British
Mooseum, as I said afore, but when I see a lot of erthen jugs and
pots stuck up on shelves, and all "of a uncertin date," I'm at a
loss to 'zackly determin whether they are a thousand years old or
was bought recent. I can cry like a child over a jug one
thousand years of age, especially if it is a Roman jug; but a jug
of a uncertin date doesn't overwhelm me with emotions. Jugs and
pots of a uncertin age is doubtles vallyable property, but, like
the debentures of the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway, a man
doesn't want too many of them.
I was debarred out of the great readin-room. A man told me I
must apply by letter for admission, and that I must get somebody
to testify that I was respectable. I'm a little 'fraid I
shan't get in there. Seein a elderly gentleman, with a
beneverlent-lookin face near by, I venturd to ask him if he would
certifythat I was respectable. He said he certainly would not,
but he would put me in charge of a policeman, if that would do me
any good. A thought struck me. "I refer you to 'Mr. Punch'," I
said.
"Well," said a man, who had listened to my application, "you HAVE
done it now! You stood some chance before."
I will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, so
you can denounce him in the present number of your excellent
journal.
The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute. A young yeoman
seemed deeply imprest with it. He viewd it with silent
admiration. At home, in the beautiful rural districks where the
daisy sweetly blooms, he would be swearin in a horrible manner at
his bullocks, and whacking 'em over the head with a hayfork; but
here, in the presence of Art, he is a changed bein.
I told the attendant that if the British nation would stand the
expens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to some
talented sculpist.
"I feel," I said, "that this is a dooty I owe to posterity."
He said it was hily prob'l, but he was inclined to think that the
British nation wouldn't care to enrich the Mooseum with a bust of
me, altho' he venturd to think that if I paid for one myself it
would be accepted cheerfully by Madam Tussaud, who would give it
a prom'nent position in her Chamber of Horrers. The young man was
very polite, and I thankt him kindly.
After visitin the Refreshment room and partakin of half a chicken
"of a uncertin age," like the Roman antiquitys I have previsly
spoken of, I prepared to leave. As I passed through the animal
room I observed with pane that a benevolint person was urgin the
stufft elephant to accept a cold muffin, but I did not feel
called on to remostrate with him, any more than I did with two
young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired behind the
Rynosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands. In fack, I rayther
approved of the latter proceedin, for it carrid me back to the
sunny spring-time of MY life. I'm in the shear and yeller leaf
now, but I don't forgit the time when to squeeze my Betsy's hand
sent a thrill through me like fellin off the roof of a two-story
house; and I never squozed that gentle hand without wantin to do
so some more, and feelin that it did me good.
Trooly yours,
Artemus Ward.