You'll be glad to learn that I've made a good impression onto the
mind of the lan'lord of the Green Lion tavern. He made a speech
about me last night. Risin' in the bar he spoke as follers,
there bein over 20 individooals present:
"This North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over two
weeks, yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my
fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furnitur of any
kind. ("Hear, hear.") I find I can trust him with lited
candles. He eats his wittles with a knife and a fork. People of
this kind should be encurridged. I purpose 'is 'elth!" ("Loud
'plaws.")
What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint hope
that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still more
closely together? The lan'lord said my speech was full of
orig'nality, but his idee was the old stage coach was more safer,
and he tho't peple would indors that opinyin in doo time.
I'm gettin' on exceedin' well in London. I see now, however,
that I made a mistake in orderin' my close afore I left home.
The trooth is the taler in our little villige owed me for a pig
and I didn't see any other way of gettin' my pay. Ten years ago
these close would no doubt have been fash'n'ble, and perhaps they
would be ekally sim'lar ten years hens. But now they're
diff'rently. The taler said he know'd they was all right,
because he had a brother in Wales who kept him informed about
London fashins reg'lar. This was a infamus falsehood. But as
the ballud says (which I heard a gen'l'man in a new soot of black
close and white kid gloves sing t'other night), Never don't let
us Despise a Man because he wears a Raggid Coat! I don't know as
we do, by the way, tho' we gen'rally get out of his way pretty
rapid; prob'ly on account of the pity which tears our boosums for
his onhappy condition.
This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin' thrust at them
blotid peple who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd explain my
meanin' to you. I frekently have to explain the meanin' of my
remarks. I know one man--and he's a man of varid 'complishments
--who often reads my articles over 20 times afore he can make
anything of 'em at all. Our skoolmaster to home says this is a
pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it is a pecoolerarity of
infernal nonsens. She's a exceedin' practycal woman. I luv her
muchly, however, and humer her little ways. It's a recklis
falshood that she henpecks me, and the young man in our
neighborhood who said to me one evenin', as I was mistenin' my
diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavun--who said to
me in these very langwidge, "Go home, old man, onless you desires
to have another teapot throwd at you by B.J.," probly regrets
havin said so.
I said, "Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle yooth, and I
permits no person to alood to her as B.J. outside of the family
circle, of which I am it principally myself. Your other
observations I scorn and disgust, and I must pollish you off."
He was a able-bodied young man, and, remoovin his coat, he
enquired if I wanted to be ground to powder? I said, Yes: if
there was a Powder-grindist handy, nothin would 'ford me greater
pleasure, when he struck me a painful blow into my right eye,
causin' me to make a rapid retreat into the fireplace. I hadn't
no idee that the enemy was so well organized. But I rallied and
went for him, in a rayther vigris style for my time of life. His
parunts lived near by, and I will simply state 15 minits had only
elapst after the first act when he was carried home on a shutter.
His mama met the sollum procession at the door, and after
keerfully looking her orfspring over, she said:
"My son, I see how it is distinctually. You've been foolin'
round a Trashin Masheen. You went in at the place where they put
the grain in, cum out with the straw, and you got up into the
thingamyjig, and let the horses tred on you, didn't you, my son?"
The pen of no liven Orthur could describe that disfortnit young
man's sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and I
went and nussed him till he got well. His reg'lar original
father being absent to the war, I told him I'd be a father to him
myself. He smilt a sickly smile, and said I'd already been wus
than two fathers to him.
I will here obsarve that fitin orter be allus avided, excep in
extreem cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the right
cheek I'll turn my left to him, prob'ly; but if he insinooates
that my gran'mother wasn't all right, I'll punch his hed. But
fitin is mis'ble bisniss, gen'rally speakin, and whenever any
enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to scoop up a
Briton in the prize ring I'm allus excessively tickled when he
gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack has thus far been
the case--my only sorrer bein' that t'other feller wasn't scooped
likewise. It's diff'rently with scullin boats, which is a manly
sport, and I can only explain Mr. Hamil's resunt defeat in this
country on the grounds that he wasn't used to British water. I
hope this explanation will be entirely satisfact'ry to all.
As I remarked afore, I'm gettin' on well. I'm aware that I'm in
the great metrop'lis of the world, and it doesn't make me onhappy
to admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots it. That's all
that ails HIM. I know there is sum peple who cum over here and
snap and snarl 'bout this and that: I know one man who says it
is a shame and a disgrace that St. Paul's Church isn't a older
edifiss; he says it should be years and even ages older than it
is; but I decline to hold myself responsible for the conduck of
this idyit simply because he's my countryman. I spose every
civ'lised land is endowed with its full share of gibberin'
idyits, and it can't be helpt--leastways I can't think of any
effectooal plan of helpin' it.
I'm a little sorry you've got politics over here, but I shall not
diskuss 'em with nobody. Tear me to pieces with wild omnibus
hosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I've had quite enuff of 'em at
home, thank you. I was at Birmingham t'other night, and went to
the great meetin' for a few minits. I hadn't been in the hall
long when a stern-lookin' artisan said to me:
"You ar from Wales!"
No, I told him I didn't think I was. A hidgyis tho't flasht over
me. It was of that onprincipled taler, and I said, "Has my
clothin' a Welchy appearance?"
"Not by no means," he answered, and then he said, "And what is
your opinyin of the present crisis?"