"This is rather a blow, your brother coming back," said Tubby Toller,
looking round Ben's office with a critical eye. "It's done our little
circle in. Why, he wants to be married in five minutes. Highly
suspicious, I call it."
"What do you mean--suspicious?" Ben asked.
"When a fellow who's been engaged for years clamours suddenly to marry,
all in a moment, it suggests that he's in danger, has lost his nerve,
wants to be pulled into safety," said Tubby. "I rather fancy Master Guy
has been singeing his wings."
"Oh, Tubby! how cynical you are!" said Ben. "What will you be like when
you're fifty?"
"At fifty," said Tubby, "I shall be a child again. I notice a strong
tendency in middle-aged men to become childish. But aren't I right
about your brother?"
"You must ask someone else," said Ben.
"And I'll tell you something more," said Tubby. "When you're married
and your husband suddenly begins to give you pearl necklaces and
diamond rings, look out. They're more likely to be from the guilty
conscience than the loving heart."
"Oh, Tubby, shut up!" said Ben. "You're insufferable. But what is it
you want? You didn't come here merely to be destructively clever, I'm
sure."
"I came to look round," said Tubby. "After all, a parent may inspect
his young, mayn't he? And I consider 'The Beck and Call' largely my own
child. How is it doing?"
"Not so badly," said Ben. "I've just carried out an American commission
that netted quite a lot."
"Thank God for America!" said Tubby. "As Canning said, or meant to,
'The New World was called in very largely to redress the bank balances
of the Old.' Could you get me a lady-cook?"
"What for?" Ben asked.
"To be a lady and to cook, of course," he said.
"How many in family?" Ben asked.
"Just the three of us," he said.
"Three? Who is the other?" Ben asked.
"Myself--1," he replied; "the lady--2; the cook--3."
"No, I couldn't," said Ben. "I couldn't lend myself to such a
_ménage_."
"But it would be all right," said Tubby. "The cook would act as
chaperon when I was talking with the lady; and the lady would be on the
watch when I was visiting the kitchen. I want a lady-cook. I feel I
should be a better man if I had the constant society of a lady-cook--or
a cook-lady, I don't mind which."
"No," said Ben firmly.
"Then will you get me a valet-governess?" Tubby asked. "I have a
passion for hyphenated assistance."
"You haven't got any children," said Ben.
"No, but I have clothes," said Tubby. "And I'll hire a child. Anything
to persuade a valet-governess to stay."
"Tubby, you're wasting my time," said Ben. "Go back to the Treasury or
wherever it is you sleep."
"Listen to her!--" Tubby invoked the ceiling. "She advertises herself
as 'The Beck and Call' and she turns away business! She is rude to
clients! I came here with money in my purse to try and do you a good
turn, and you spurn me. Now, my dear Ben, be serious. Will you get me a
chauffeur-billiard-marker?"
"No!" said Ben, lifting up a paper-weight, as Tubby made for the door.
He did, however, go; but three minutes later reappeared.
"I've been talking to the sportsman outside," he said. "A clever child.
I have asked him to come to me as a butler-secretary and he seems keen.
Do you mind?"
"If you rob me of Dolly," said Ben, "I'll never speak to you again."
"I must do something," said Tubby. "It would be a very serious thing
for you if I went about London telling everybody that I had been to
'The Beck and Call' with quite a number of needs and not one could you
satisfy. Grant me one request anyway. Grant me!"
"What is it?" said Ben.
"Give me leave to read a novel by Erckmann-Chatrian."
And this time he went.