"Let me congratulate you," the voice said.
Retief turned. An immense Flap-jack, hung with crimson trappings,
rippled at his side. The voice issued from a disk strapped to its back.
"You fight well. I think we will find in each other worthy adversaries."
"Thanks. I'm sure the test would be interesting, but I'm hoping we can
avoid it."
"Avoid it?" Retief heard a low humming coming from the speaker in the
silence. "Well, let us dine," the mighty Flap-jack said at last. "We
can resolve these matters later. I am called Hoshick of the Mosaic of
the Two Dawns."
"I'm Retief." Hoshick waited expectantly, "... of the Mountain of Red
Tape," Retief added.
"Take place, Retief," said Hoshick. "I hope you won't find our rude
couches uncomfortable." Two other large Flap-jacks came into the room,
communed silently with Hoshick. "Pray forgive our lack of translating
devices," he said to Retief. "Permit me to introduce my colleagues...."
A small Flap-jack rippled the chamber bearing on its back a silver tray
laden with aromatic food. The waiter served the four diners, filled the
drinking tubes with yellow wine. It smelled good.
"I trust you'll find these dishes palatable," said Hoshick. "Our
metabolisms are much alike, I believe." Retief tried the food. It had a
delicious nut-like flavor. The wine was indistinguishable from Chateau
d'Yquem.
"It was an unexpected pleasure to encounter your party here,"
said Hoshick. "I confess at first we took you for an indigenous
earth-grubbing form, but we were soon disabused of that notion." He
raised a tube, manipulating it deftly with his fringe tentacles. Retief
returned the salute and drank.
"Of course," Hoshick continued, "as soon as we realized that you were
sportsmen like ourselves, we attempted to make amends by providing a
bit of activity for you. We've ordered out our heavier equipment and a
few trained skirmishers and soon we'll be able to give you an adequate
show. Or so I hope."
"Additional skirmishers?" said Retief. "How many, if you don't mind my
asking?"
"For the moment, perhaps only a few hundred. There-after ... well,
I'm sure we can arrange that between us. Personally I would prefer a
contest of limited scope. No nuclear or radiation-effect weapons. Such
a bore, screening the spawn for deviations. Though I confess we've come
upon some remarkably useful sports. The rangerform such as you made
captive, for example. Simple-minded, of course, but a fantastically
keen tracker."
"Oh, by all means," Retief said. "No atomics. As you pointed out,
spawn-sorting is a nuisance, and then too, it's wasteful of troops."
"Ah, well, they are after all expendable. But we agree: no atomics.
Have you tried the ground-gwack eggs? Rather a specialty of my
Mosaic...."
"Delicious," said Retief. "I wonder. Have you considered eliminating
weapons altogether?"
* * * * *
A scratchy sound issued from the disk. "Pardon my laughter," Hoshick
said, "but surely you jest?"
"As a matter of fact," said Retief, "we ourselves seldom use weapons."
"I seem to recall that our first contact of skirmishforms involved the
use of a weapon by one of your units."
"My apologies," said Retief. "The--ah--the skirmishform failed to
recognize that he was dealing with a sportsman."
"Still, now that we have commenced so merrily with weapons...." Hoshick
signaled and the servant refilled tubes.
"There is an aspect I haven't yet mentioned," Retief went on. "I hope
you won't take this personally, but the fact is, our skirmishforms
think of weapons as something one employs only in dealing with certain
specific life-forms."
"Oh? Curious. What forms are those?"
"Vermin. Or 'varmints' as some call them. Deadly antagonists, but
lacking in caste. I don't want our skirmishforms thinking of such
worthy adversaries as yourself as varmints."
"Dear me! I hadn't realized, of course. Most considerate of you to
point it out." Hoshick clucked in dismay. "I see that skirmishforms are
much the same among you as with us: lacking in perception." He laughed
scratchily. "Imagine considering us as--what was the word?--varmints."
"Which brings us to the crux of the matter. You see, we're up against
a serious problem with regard to skirmishforms. A low birth rate.
Therefore we've reluctantly taken to substitutes for the mass actions
so dear to the heart of the sportsman. We've attempted to put an end to
these contests altogether...."
Hoshick coughed explosively, sending a spray of wine into the air.
"What are you saying?" he gasped. "Are you proposing that Hoshick of
the Mosaic of the Two Dawns abandon honor....?"
"Sir!" said Retief sternly. "You forget yourself. I, Retief of the Red
Tape Mountain, make an alternate proposal more in keeping with the
newest sporting principles."
"New?" cried Hoshick. "My dear Retief, what a pleasant surprise! I'm
enthralled with novel modes. One gets so out of touch. Do elaborate."
"It's quite simple, really. Each side selects a representative and the
two individuals settle the issue between them."
"I ... um ... fear I don't understand. What possible significance could
one attach to the activities of a couple of random skirmishforms?"
"I haven't made myself clear," said Retief. He took a sip of wine. "We
don't involve the skirmishforms at all. That's quite passe."
"You don't mean...?"
"That's right. You and me."
* * * * *
Outside on the starlit sand Retief tossed aside the power pistol,
followed it with the leather shirt Swazey had lent him. By the faint
light he could just make out the towering figure of the Flap-jack
rearing up before him, his trappings gone. A silent rank of Flap-jack
retainers were grouped behind him.
"I fear I must lay aside the translator now, Retief," said Hoshick.
He sighed and rippled his fringe tentacles. "My spawn-fellows will
never credit this. Such a curious turn fashion has taken. How much
more pleasant it is to observe the action of the skirmishforms from a
distance."
"I suggest we use Tennessee rules," said Retief. "They're very liberal.
Biting, gouging, stomping, kneeing and of course choking, as well as
the usual punching, shoving and kicking."
"Hmmm. These gambits seem geared to forms employing rigid
endo-skeletons; I fear I shall be at a disadvantage."
"Of course," Retief said, "if you'd prefer a more plebeian type of
contest...."
"By no means. But perhaps we could rule out tentacle-twisting, just to
even it."
"Very well. Shall we begin?"
With a rush Hoshick threw himself at Retief, who ducked, whirled, and
leaped on the Flap-jack's back ... and felt himself flipped clear by
a mighty ripple of the alien's slab-like body. Retief rolled aside
as Hoshick turned on him; he jumped to his feet and threw a right
hay-maker to Hoshick's mid-section. The alien whipped his left fringe
around in an arc that connected with Retief's jaw, sent him spinning
onto his back ... and Hoshick's weight struck him.
Retief twisted, tried to roll. The flat body of the alien blanketed
him. He worked an arm free, drumming blows on the leathery back.
Hoshick nestled closer.
Retief's air was running out. He heaved up against the smothering
weight. Nothing budged.
It was like burial under a dump-truck-load of concrete.
He remembered the rangerform he had captured. The sensitive orifice
had been placed ventrally, in what would be the thoracic area....
He groped, felt tough hide set with horny granules. He would be missing
skin tomorrow ... if there was a tomorrow. His thumb found the orifice
and probed.
The Flap-jack recoiled. Retief held fast, probed deeper, groping with
the other hand. If the alien were bilaterally symmetrical there would
be a set of ready made hand-holds....
* * * * *
There were.
Retief dug in and the Flap-jack writhed, pulled away. Retief held on,
scrambled to his feet, threw his weight against the alien and fell on
top of him, still gouging. Hoshick rippled his fringe wildly, flopped
in terror, then went limp.
Retief relaxed, released his hold and got to his feet, breathing hard.
Hoshick humped himself over onto his ventral side, lifted and moved
gingerly over to the sidelines. His retainers came forward, assisted
him into his trappings, strapped on the translator. He sighed heavily,
adjusted the volume.
"There is much to be said for the old system," he said. "What a burden
one's sportsmanship places on one at times."
"Great sport, wasn't it?" said Retief. "Now, I know you'll be eager to
continue. If you'll just wait while I run back and fetch some of our
gougerforms--"
"May hide-ticks devour the gougerforms!" Hoshick bellowed. "You've
given me such a sprong-ache as I'll remember each spawning-time for a
year."
"Speaking of hide-ticks," said Retief, "we've developed a biterform--"
"Enough!" Hoshick roared, so loudly that the translator bounced on his
hide. "Suddenly I yearn for the crowded yellow sands of Jaq. I had
hoped...." He broke off, drew a rasping breath. "I had hoped, Retief,"
he said, speaking sadly now, "to find a new land here where I might
plan my own Mosaic, till these alien sands and bring forth such a crop
of paradise-lichen as should glut the markets of a hundred worlds. But
my spirit is not equal to the prospect of biterforms and gougerforms
without end. I am shamed before you...."
"To tell you the truth, I'm old-fashioned myself. I'd rather watch the
action from a distance too."
"But surely your spawn-fellows would never condone such an attitude."
"My spawn-fellows aren't here. And besides, didn't I mention it? No
one who's really in the know would think of engaging in competition by
mere combat if there were any other way. Now, you mentioned tilling the
sand, raising lichens--things like that--"
"That on which we dined but now," said Hoshick, "and from which the
wine is made."
"The big news in fashionable diplomacy today is farming competition.
Now, if you'd like to take these deserts and raise lichen, we'll
promise to stick to the oases and vegetables."
Hoshick curled his back in attention. "Retief, you're quite serious?
You would leave all the fair sand hills to us?"
"The whole works, Hoshick. I'll take the oases."
Hoshick rippled his fringes ecstatically. "Once again you have outdone
me, Retief," he cried. "This time, in generosity."
"We'll talk over the details later. I'm sure we can establish a set of
rules that will satisfy all parties. Now I've got to get back. I think
some of the gougerforms are waiting to see me."