Owing to heavy storms the other day one thousand London telephones
were thrown out of order. Very few subscribers noticed the difference.
* * *
A camera capable of photographing the most rapid moving objects in the
world is the latest invention of an American. There is some talk of
his trying to photograph a bricklayer whizzing along at his work.
* * *
"Perjury is now rampant in all our Courts and there seems to be no
way of preventing it," declares a well-known judge. Surely if they did
away with the oath this grievance would soon disappear.
* * *
"With goodwill on both sides," said Lord ROTHSCHILD recently, "the
Jews will make a success of colonising their own country." There will
have to be assets as well as goodwill, it is thought, if they are to
be made to feel thoroughly at home.
* * *
Mr. GEORGE BEER, the man who built the first glass houses in this
country, has died at Worthing. The man who threw the first stone
from inside has not yet been identified, but suspicion points to Sir
FREDERICK BANBURY.
* * *
When the police order you to move on, said the Thames magistrate,
it is better to go in the long run. Others declare that it is quite
sufficient to melt from view at a businesslike waddle.
* * *
"The only way to get houses," says the Marylebone magistrate, "is to
build them." The idea of knitting a few seems to have been overlooked.
* * *
We understand that the Scotsman who was injured in the rush outside
the post-office on the last night of the three-halfpenny postage, is
now able to get about with the help of a stick.
* * *
New motor vehicles to take the place of the "Black Marias" are
now being used between Brixton Gaol and Bow Street. Customers who
contemplate arrest should book early to avoid the congestion.
* * *
Signor MARCONI has failed to get into touch with Mars. At the same
time we are asked to deny the rumour that communication has been
established between Lord NORTHCLIFFE and the PREMIER.
* * *
"Comedians," says a stage paper, "are born, not made." This disposes
of the impression that too many of them do it on purpose.
* * *
[Illustration: _Flapper._ "OH--AND I WANT SOME PEROXIDE. ER--IT'S FOR
CLEANING HAIRBRUSHES, ISN'T IT?"]
* * *
It has been established in the Court of Appeal that the farther north
you go the larger are people's feet. Surprise has been expressed at
the comparatively small number of Metropolitan policemen who hail from
Spitzbergen.
* * *
SYDNEY RICHARDSON, the London messenger-boy who went to America for
Mr. DAREWSKI, has just returned. It is said that one American wanted
to keep him as a souvenir and offered him a job as a paper-weight for
his desk.
* * *
The Trafalgar Hotel, Greenwich, famous of old for its whitebait
dinners, has been turned into a Trades Union Club. The report that the
Parliamentary Labour Party has decided to preserve the traditions
of the place by holding an annual red herring supper there is not
confirmed.
* * *
A certain brass band in Hertfordshire now practises in the evening on
the flat roof of a large factory. We understand that the Union of Cat
Musicians are taking a serious view of the matter.
* * *
A vagrant was before the magistrate last week, charged with tearing
his clothes and destroying all the buttons on them whilst in a
workhouse ward. It is not known at what laundry he served his
apprenticeship.
* * *
After announcing that the fox which had been causing severe losses to
poultry had at last been killed a local paper admits that the wanton
destruction of fowls is still going on. It is thought that another fox
of the same name was killed in error.
* * *
"The Irish will take nothing that we can offer them," says a
Government official. Outside of that they seem to take pretty much
what they want.
* * *
We think that the attention of the N.S.P.C.C. should be drawn to the
fact that several stall-holders on the beach of a popular seaside town
are offering ices at twopence each, or twelve for one-and-six.
* * *
A man was charged at the South Western Police Court with throwing a
sandwich at a waiter. Very thoughtless. He might have broken it.
* * *
A new instrument for measuring whiskey is announced. The last
whiskey we ordered seemed to have been squirted into the glass with a
hypodermic syringe.
* * * * *
The Bull-dog Breed.
"H. Prew, b Staples, c L. Mitchell, c Ryland, b Rajendrasinhji,
17."--_Daily Paper._
The gallant fellow doesn't seem to have known when he was beaten.
* * * * *
"Wanted, thoroughly capable Woman, to take management of
canteen; one with knowledge of ambulance work preferred."
_Provincial Paper._
A "wet" canteen, presumably.
* * * * *
"UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE."
["A Skilled Labourer," writing to _The Times_, speaks of "the
extremists" among the working classes as "cherishing a belief
that the intelligence of educated persons is declining."]
Doubtless, my Masters, you are right
As to the lore which they delight
To teach at Cambridge College;
Contented with a classic tone,
Those useful arts we left alone
By which we might have held our own
Against the Newer Knowledge.
Even if I could still retain
The ethics which my early brain
Imbibed from ARISTOTLE,
It would not serve me much to speak
His views on virtue (in the Greek)
When buying table claret (weak)
At ten-and-six the bottle.
Or when my tailor claims his loot
Of twenty guineas for a suit
Of rude continuations,
I must remain his hopeless thrall,
Nor would it move his heart at all
Could I from JUVENAL recall
Some apposite quotations.
If I engaged a working-man
To mend a leaky pot or pan
Or else a pipe that's porous,
He would not modify his fees
For hours and hours of vacant ease
Though out of ARISTOPHANES
I said a funny chorus.
I am a failure, it appears;
I cannot cope with profiteers
Nor with enlightened Labour;
Too late I see, on looking back,
Where lies the blame for what I lack;
Why was I never taught the knack
Of beggaring my neighbour?