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Transcriber's note:
Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).
[Illustration: OUT
OF THE
HURLY-BURLY
OR
LIFE IN AN ODD
CORNER
MAX ADELER.]
OUT OF THE HURLY-BURLY
Or
Life in an Odd Corner
by
MAX ADELER
With Nearly Four Hundred Illustrations by
Arthur B. Frost, Fred. B. Schell, and Others
Philadelphia
David Mckay, Publisher
1022 Market Street
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874, by
Charles Heber Clark,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C.
DEDICATION.
I have resolved to dedicate this book to a humorist who has had too
little fame, to the most delicious, because the most unconscious,
humorist, to that widely-scattered and multitudinous comedian who may be
expressed in the concrete as
THE INTELLIGENT COMPOSITOR.
To his habit of perpetrating felicitous absurdities I am indebted for
"laughter that is worth a hundred groans." It was he who put into type
an article of mine which contained the remark, "Filtration is sometimes
accomplished with the assistance of albumen," and transformed it into
"Flirtation is sometimes accomplished with the resistance of aldermen."
It was he who caused me to misquote the poet's inquiry, so that I
propounded to the world the appalling conundrum, "Where are the dead,
the _varnished_ dead?" And it was his glorious tendency to make the
sublime convulsively ridiculous that rejected the line in a poem of
mine, which declared that a "comet swept o'er the heavens with its
trailing skirt," and substituted the idea that a "count slept in the
haymow in a traveling shirt." The kind of talent that is here displayed
deserves profound reverence. It is wonderful and awful; and thus I offer
it a token of my marveling respect.
[Illustration]
"Fun is the most conservative element of society, and it ought to be
cherished and encouraged by all lawful means. People never plot mischief
when they are merry. Laughter is an enemy to malice, a foe to scandal
and a friend to every virtue. It promotes good temper, enlivens the
heart and brightens the intellect."
[Illustration]
PREFACE.
It seems to be necessary to say a few words in reference to the contents
of this volume as I offer it to the public. Several of the incidents
related in the story have already appeared in print, and have been
copied in various newspapers throughout the country. Sometimes they have
been attributed to the author; but more frequently they have been given
either without any name attached to them, or they have been credited to
persons who probably never saw them. The best of the anecdotes have been
imitated, but none of them, I believe, are imitations. I make this
statement, so that if the reader should happen to encounter anything
that has a familiar appearance, he may understand that he has the
original and not a copy before him. But a very large portion of the
matter contained in the book is entirely new, and is now published for
the first time; while all the rest of it has been rewritten and
improved, so that it is as good as new.
If this little venture shall achieve popularity, I must attribute the
fact largely to the admirable pictures with which it has been adorned by
the artists whose names appear upon the title page. All of these
gentlemen have my hearty thanks for the efforts they have made to
accomplish the best results; but while I express my appreciation of the
beautiful landscapes of Mr. Schell, the admirable drawings of Mr.
Sheppard and the excellent designs of Mr. Bensell, I wish to direct
attention especially to the humorous pictures of Mr. Arthur B. Frost.
This artist makes his first appearance before the public in these pages.
These are the only drawings upon wood that he has ever executed, and
they are so nicely illustrative of the text, they display so much
originality and versatility, and they have such genial humor, with so
little extravagance and exaggeration, that they seem to me surely to
give promise of a prosperous career for the artist.
It is customary upon these occasions to say something of an apologetic
nature for the purpose of inducing the public to believe that the author
regards with humility the work of which he is really exceedingly
proud--something that will tend to soften the blows which are expected
from ferocious and cruel critics. But I believe I have nothing of this
kind to offer. If I thought the book required an apology, I would not
publish it. Any reviewer who does not like it is at liberty to say so;
and I am the more ready to accord him this permission because I am
impressed with the conviction that he will hit as hard as he wants to
whether I give him leave or withhold it. All I ask is that the volume
shall have fair play. If it is successful as an attempt to construct a
book of humor which will contribute to innocent popular amusement
without violating the laws that govern the construction and orthography
of the English language, and as an effort to give pleasure to sensible
grown people without offering entertainment to children and idiots, it
deserves commendation. If it is a failure in these respects, then it
ought to be suppressed, for it certainly has no mighty moral purpose,
and it is not designed to reform anything on earth but the personal
fortunes of the author.
MAX ADELER.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.
PAGE
The founder of New Castle--A search for quietness--Life in
the city and in the village--Why the latter is
preferable--Peculiarities of the village--A sleepy old
town--We erect our family altar 25
CHAPTER II.
A very dangerous invention--The patent combination
step-ladder--Domestic servants--Advertising for a
girl--The peasant-girl of fact and fiction--A contrast 36
CHAPTER III.
The view upon the river--A magnificent panorama--Mr. and
Mrs. Cooley--Matrimonial infelicities--The case of Mrs.
Sawyer--A blighted life--A present--Our century plant and
its peculiarities 47
CHAPTER IV.
Judge Pitman--His experiment in the barn--A lesson in natural
history--Catching the early train--One of the miseries
of living in the village--Ball's lung exercise--Mr. Cooley's
impertinence 56
CHAPTER V.
A little love affair--Cowardice of Mr. Parker--Popular interest
in amatory matters--The Magruder family--An event in its
history--Remarkable experiments by Mrs. Magruder--An indignant
husband--A question answered 68
CHAPTER VI.
The editor of our daily paper--The appearance and personal
characteristics of Colonel Bangs--The affair with the
tombstone--Art news--Colonel Bangs in the heat of a political
campaign--Peculiar troubles of public singers--The phenomena
of menageries--Extraordinary sagacity of the animals--The
Wild Man of Afghanistan 84
CHAPTER VII.
The Battery and its peculiarities--A lovely scene--Swede and
Dutchman two hundred years ago--Old names of the river--Indian
names generally--Cooley's boy--His adventure in
church--The long and the short of it--Mr. Cooley's dog and
our troubles with it 99
CHAPTER VIII.
The _Morning Argus_ creates a sensation--A new editor--Mr.
Slimmer the poet--An obituary department--Mr. Slimmer
on death--Extraordinary scene in the sanctum of Colonel
Bangs--Indignant advertisers--The colonel violently
assaulted--Observations of the poet--The final
catastrophe--Mysterious conduct of Bob Parker--The accident
on Magruder's porch--Mrs. Adeler on the subject of obituary
poetry in general 113
CHAPTER IX.
The reason why I purchased a horse--A peculiar
characteristic--Driving by the river--Our horse as a
persecutor--He becomes a genuine nightmare--Experimenting with
his tail--How our horse died--In relation to pirates--Mrs.
Jones's bold corsair--A lamentable tale 134
CHAPTER X.
A picturesque church--Some reflections upon church music--Bob
Parker in the choir--Our undertaker--A gloomy man--Our
experience with the hot-air furnaces--A series of accidents--Mr.
Collamer's vocalism--An extraordinary mistake 152
CHAPTER XI.
A fishing excursion down the river--Difficulties of the voyage--A
series of unfortunate incidents--Our return home, and how
we were received--A letter upon the general subject of angling--The
sorrows of the fishermen--Lieutenant Smiley--His
recollections of Rev. Mr. Blodgett--A very remarkable missionary 164
CHAPTER XII.
How the plumber fixed my boiler--A vexatious business--How
he didn't come to time, and what the ultimate result was--An
accident; and the pathetic story of young Chubb--Reminiscences
of General Chubb--The eccentricities of an absent-minded
man--The rivals--Parker versus Smiley 183
CHAPTER XIII.
An evil day--Flogging-time in New Castle--How the punishment
is inflicted--A few remarks upon the general merits of
the system--A singular judge--How George Washington
Busby was sentenced--Emotions of the prisoner--A cruel infliction,
and a code that ought to be reformed 200
CHAPTER XIV.
A Delaware legend--A story of the old time--The Christmas
play--A cruel accusation--The flight in the darkness along
the river shore--The trial and the condemnation--St. Pillory's
day seventy years ago--Flogging a woman--The deliverance 211
CHAPTER XV.
A very disagreeable predicament--Wild exultation of Parker--He
makes an important announcement--An interview with
the old man--The embarrassment of Mr. Sparks, and how he
overcame it--A story of Bishop Potts--The miseries of too
much consolidation--How Potts suffered, and what his end
was 237
CHAPTER XVI.
Old Fort Kasimir--Two centuries ago--The goblins of the lane--An
outrage upon Pitman's cow--The judge discusses the
subject of bitters--How Cooley came home--Turning off the
gas--A frightful accident in the _Argus_ office--The terrible
fate of Archibald Watson--How Mr. Bergner taught Sunday-school 255
CHAPTER XVII.
A dismal sort of day--A few able remarks about umbrellas--The
umbrella in a humorous aspect--The calamity that befell
Colonel Coombs--An ambitious but miserable monarch--The
influence of umbrellas on the weather--An improved weather
system--A little nonsense--Judge Pitman's views of weather
of various kinds 278
CHAPTER XVIII.
Trouble for the hero and heroine--A broken engagement and
a forlorn damsel--Bob Parker's suffering--A formidable
encounter--The peculiar conduct of a dumb animal--Cooley's
boy and his home discipline--A story of an echo 293
CHAPTER XIX.
A certificate concerning Pitman's hair--Unendurable persecution--A
warning to men with bald-headed friends--An explanation--The
slanderer discovered--Benjamin P. Gunn--A
model life-insurance agent 306
CHAPTER XX.
A certain remarkable book--A few suggestions respecting
Boston--Delusions of childhood--Bullying General Gage--Judge
Pitman and the catechism--An extraordinary blunder--The
facts in the case of Hillegass--A false alarm 324
CHAPTER XXI.
Settling the business--Vindication of Mr. Bob Parker--A complete
reconciliation--The great Cooley inquest--The uncertainty
in regard to Thomas Cooley--A phenomenal coroner--The
solution of the mystery 334
CHAPTER XXII.
An arrival--A present from a Congressman--Meditation upon
his purpose--The patent-office report of the future--A plan
for revolutionizing public documents and opening a new department
in literature--Our trip to Salem--A tragical event--The
last of Lieutenant Smiley 350
CHAPTER XXIII.
Pitman as a politician--He is nominated for the Legislature--How
he was serenaded, and what the result was--I take a
hand at politics--The story of my first political speech--My
reception at Dover--Misery of a man with only one speech--The
scene at the mass meeting--A frightful discomfiture 363
CHAPTER XXIV.
The wedding-day--Enormous excitement in the village--Preparations
for the event--The conduct of Bob Parker--The
ceremony at the church, and the company at Magruder's--A
last look at some old friends--Departure of the bride and
groom--Some uncommonly solemn reflections, and then--The
end 387
[Illustration]
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
No. Page
1.--FRONTISPIECE.
2.--TITLE PAGE 1
3.--THE FOUNDER OF THE VILLAGE (_Initial Letter_) 25
4.--A PROFESSOR OF MUSIC 26
5.--A DISGUSTED AGRICULTURIST 28
6.--NEW CASTLE FROM THE RIVER (_Full Page_) 32
7.--THE REAL PEASANT-GIRL (_Initial Letter_) 36
8.--A DANGEROUS INVENTION 37
9.--THE EARLY MORNING FIRE 39
10.--THE IDEAL PEASANT-GIRL 42
11.--UNSYMMETRICAL COLD BEEF 43
12.--THE VIEW DOWN THE RIVER (_Full Page_) 46
13.--A FAMILY JAR (_Initial Letter_) 47
14.--A MUSICAL NAVIGATOR 48
15.--THE NOCTURNAL DOG 49
16.--MR. SAWYER'S NOSE 52
17.--THE MAN WITH THE CENTURY PLANT 53
18.--A LIVELY VEGETABLE 54
19.--JUDGE PITMAN'S BAG (_Initial Letter_) 56
20.--THE JUDGE INTRODUCES HIMSELF 57
21.--PITMAN'S MUSICAL EXPERIMENT 59
22.--THAT INFAMOUS EGG 60
23.--THE DOG BY THE WAYSIDE 61
24.--CATCHING THE TRAIN 61
25.--HAULED IN 62
26.--MY LUNG EXERCISE 64
27.--AN ALTERCATION WITH COOLEY 66
28.--A FEMALE PROFESSOR (_Initial Letter_) 68
29.--THE LAMP TURNED LOW 68
30.--STUDYING UP 69
31.--PARKER RELATING HIS WOES 69
32.--MAGRUDER'S WOOING 72
33.--A QUEER FEELING IN HIS HEAD 72
34.--MAGRUDER TELLS HIS BROTHER 73
35.--THE CLASS GOING UP 74
36.--A SECRETED OBSERVER 74
37.--A GENERAL ATTACK ON THE SUBJECT (_Full Page_) 78
38.--PEEPING THROUGH THE CRACK 79
39.--A FURIOUS HUSBAND 80
40.--AN ASININE BEING (_Initial Letter_) 84
41.--THE COLONEL'S BRAVERY 85
42.--AN INTERVIEW WITH COOLEY 86
43.--THAT TOMBSTONE 87
44.--MR. MULLINS EXPLAINS 88
45.--EXIT MURPHY 89
46.--A LATE CALL 91
47.--A CAPTIVE MAIDEN 91
48.--EXCAVATING HER 92
49.--HER FEET 92
50.--THAT ANTIQUARIAN 92
51.--THE RAGING RHINOCEROS 94
52.--THE KING OF BEASTS 94
53.--THE RIVAL LOVERS 96
54.--ON THE SETTEE 96
55.--SHE SAT ON HIM 97
56.--TOO THIN 97
57.--THE WILD MAN 98
58.--THE FAT WOMAN 98
59.--THE BOY OF THE PERIOD (_Initial Letter_) 99
60.--THE BATTERY (_Full Page_) 102
61.--AN ANCIENT WARRIOR 103
62.--A RAID ON THE MELON-PATCH 105
63.--COMMUNING WITH JONES'S BOY 106
64.--HELD FAST 107
65.--THE SOLEMNITY OF JONES 107
66.--TAKING HIM OUT 108
67.--NOT MATCHED 109
68.--DOSING A CUR 110
69.--OVER THE FENCE AND BACK AGAIN 110
70.--MUCH TOO FAITHFUL 111
71.--CRUELTY TO AN ANIMAL 112
72.--REMOVING A MOUTHFUL 112
73.--A PATRON OF THE "ARGUS" (_Initial Letter_) 113
74.--THE POET 114
75.--THE EDITOR EXPLAINING HIS VIEWS 115
76.--THE THROES OF COMPOSITION 116
77.--A ROW OF READERS 117
78.--TAKING A PEEP 117
79.--THE SCENE IN THE SANCTUM 118
80.--THAT MONKEY 119
81.--MRS. SMITH'S WOE 120
82.--BARTHOLOMEW'S INDIGNANT FATHER 122
83.--MR. MCFADDEN 124
84.--THE EDITOR MEETS THE POET 126
85.--THE COLONEL IN A TIGHT PLACE 127
86.--GOING UP STAIRS 128
87.--IN HIGHLAND COSTUME 130
88.--WHY BOB STAYED 130
89.--SAWING HIM OUT 131
90.--MRS. ADELER'S VIEWS 132
91.--BOB'S TROUSERS 133
92.--THE NEW MAZEPPA (_Initial Letter_) 134
93.--COOLEY AT AN AUCTION 135
94.--OUR URBANE HORSE 136
95.--TRYING TO CATCH UP 138
96.--KICKING 139
97.--A NIGHTMARE 140
98.--HAUNTED 141
99.--AN ARTIFICIAL TAIL 142
100.--A DEMORALIZED HORSE 142
101.--IT CAME OFF! 143
102.--THE MELODRAMATIC FREEBOOTER 144
103.--MRS. JONES'S PIRATE 145
104.--SWEEPING THE HORIZON 146
105.--THE WEEKLY WASH 146
106.--HAILING THE "MARY JANE" 147
107.--A GENERAL MASSACRE 147
108.--THE PATERNAL JONES 148
109.--SHE PUTS ON HER THINGS 148
110.--SLAYING THE CAPTAIN 149
111.--"FALSE! FALSE!" 150
112.--MORE BUTCHERY 150
113.--SUICIDE OF THE WIDOW 150
114.--THE WRECK OF MRS. JONES 151
115.--A CHORISTER (_Initial Letter_) 152
116.--THE SPIRE 153
117.--SINFUL GAMES 154
118.--THE OLD CHURCH (_Full Page_) 156
119.--A CHINESE PRAYER 157
120.--THE MINISTER AND I 157
121.--IN THE PIPE 158
122.--BOB IN THE CHOIR 158
123.--THE UNDERTAKER'S SIGN 159
124.--A GLOOMY MAN 160
125.--VERY WARM WORK 161
126.--COLLAMER FALLS IN 161
127.--THE CLERGYMAN 162
128.--COLLAMER SINGS 162
129.--HE ASKS A QUESTION 163
130.--A RIBALD BOY 163
131.--A FISHERMAN (_Initial Letter_) 164
132.--BRINGING 'EM HOME 164
133.--PUSHING OFF 165
134.--WE CHANGE PLACES 165
135.--COOLING OFF 166
136.--WAITING FOR BITES 166
137.--ANCHOR GONE 166
138.--FIXING AN OAR 167
139.--LOST HIM 167
140.--SAVED 167
141.--A TANGLE 168
142.--THE MAN WHO OWNED THE BOAT 168
143.--A SUCCESSOR OF IZAAK WALTON 169
144.--A DISHEARTENED DIGGER 170
145.--TEARS 171
146.--WATCHING THE CORK 171
147.--A NAKED HOOK 171
148.--THE LAST MATCH 172
149.--CAUGHT ON A LIMB 173
150.--A PLAYFUL EEL 174
151.--WRIGGLING 174
152.--PULLING IN 175
153.--THAT INFAMOUS BOY 175
154.--A SOUTH SEA ISLANDER 177
155.--MR. BLODGETT, MISSIONARY 177
156.--GOING TO THE PICNIC 177
157.--THE VESTRY MEETING 178
158.--PUTTING THEM TO SLEEP 178
159.--THE FUNERAL SERVICE 179
160.--THE REMAINING WARDEN 179
161.--GOING HOME 180
162.--HE PADDLED HIS OWN CANOE 180
163.--SMASHING POOR MOTT 181
164.--A FIJIAN 182
165.--OUR PLUMBER (_Initial Letter_) 183
166.--HE EXAMINES THE RANGE 184
167.--I MEET HIM 184
168.--HOW HE GOES TO WILMINGTON 184
169.--AN INDIGNANT ARTISAN 185
170.--ON THE ASPARAGUS BED 185
171.--THE CONDITION OF MY GRASS-PLOT 186
172.--AT THE FRONT GATE 186
173.--A VIEW OF THE RUINS 187
174.--WATCHING 188
175.--ONE OF THE ROBBERS 188
176.--MR. NIPPERS ENTERS 188
177.--I EXPOSTULATE WITH NIPPERS 189
178.--MRS. COOLEY'S SERVANT 190
179.--SHE SHAKES HENRY 190
180.--BOB AS AN AUTHOR 191
181.--YOUNG CHUBB 191
182.--MYSTERIOUS MUSIC 192
183.--"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" 193
184.--TRYING TO MAKE HIM DISGORGE 193
185.--HENRY'S BROTHER TRIES PRESSURE 194
186.--EXIT WITH THE SEXTON 194
187.--THE TOMB OF CHUBB 195
188.--GENERAL CHUBB'S LEGS 196
189.--THE INFLUENCE OF ART 197
190.--THE GENERAL DIVES IN 197
191.--THROUGH THE CANVAS 197
192.--PILLORIED (_Initial Letter_) 200
193.--INFANT SPECTATORS 201
194.--THE WHIPPING-POST 201
195.--AN ANCIENT CUSTOM 202
196.--THAT REMARKABLE JUDGE 204
197.--GEORGE WASHINGTON BUSBY 205
198.--THE JURY 205
199.--MATERNAL LOVE 206
200.--MANHOOD'S TOIL 206
201.--BUSBY WHISPERS TO THE TIPSTAFF 207
202.--MORE HOPEFUL STILL 207
203.--HIS INFANT STEPS 208
204.--BUSBY'S HEART GROWS LIGHTER 209
205.--THE THUNDERBOLT FALLS 209
206.--LEADING HIM OUT 210
207.--WIELDING THE LASH (_Initial Letter_) 211
208.--HOB-NOBBING 212
209.--THE MAJOR IN A SULK 213
210.--THE LOVERS 215
211.--"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" 217
212.--THE FLIGHT BY THE RIVER 219
213.--DICK CONFESSES 226
214.--WEARING THE WOODEN COLLAR 228
215.--A FLOGGING SEVENTY YEARS AGO (_Full Page_) 230
216.--PARDONED 233
217.--A BROKEN MAN 235
218.--THE MARKET GREEN AND THE OLD CHURCH 236
219.--A JUVENILE MUSICIAN (_Initial Letter_) 237
220.--CAUGHT 238
221.--CAN'T REACH IT 238
222.--CREEPING OUT 239
223.--BACK AGAIN IN A HURRY 239
224.--A MIGHTY UGLY SITUATION 240
225.--LISTENING 240
226.--PARKER EXULTS 241
227.--THE SECOND HORNPIPE 241
228.--HE SURVEYS HER DWELLING 241
229.--OLD SPARKS'S SACRED DUST 244
230.--A CONSCIENTIOUS TOMBSTONE 244
231.--BISHOP POTTS 246
232.--A WARM WELCOME 246
233.--A SURPRISE FOR THE BISHOP 247
234.--THE BRIDE GOES HOME IN A ROW 248
235.--POTTS MEDITATES 249
236.--WAVING FAREWELL 249
237.--THE BISHOP IS CONFOUNDED 250
238.--STARTING THE THIRD TIME 252
239.--POTTS BECOMES HYSTERICAL 253
240.--THE PERUVIAN MONK 253
241.--THE MANIAC DOCTOR 253
242.--BOB GIVES AN OPINION 254
243.--POTTS'S CHILD 254
244.--ON THE RAMPARTS (_Initial Letter_) 255
245.--THE SITE OF FORT KASIMIR (_Full Page_) 258
246.--MODERN WARRIORS 259
247.--A DUTCH GOBLIN 260
248.--PITMAN TELLS OF HIS GRIEFS 260
249.--A TROUBLESOME COW 261
250.--THAT SCANDALOUS BLIND-BOARD 261
251.--THE TEMPERANCE SOCIETY MAKES AN INSPECTION 262
252.--"I'LL KNOCK THE STUFFIN' OUT O' HIM" 262
253.--THE JUDGE'S BITTERS ADVERTISEMENTS 263
254.--HE TAKES A TONIC 263
255.--ANOTHER DOZEN 264
256.--COOLEY'S ILLUMINATED NOSE 265
257.--"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE" 266
258.--"THERE WAS MRS. COOLEY A-WATCHIN'" 266
259.--DR. HOPKINS IS AMAZED 267
260.--APPALLING INTELLIGENCE 268
261.--THE COMMODORE'S TOMB 269
262.--THE FALL OF SIMMS 270
263.--"KNOCK 'EM WITH A POLE" 270
264.--HIT BY AN APPLE 271
265.--TIM KEYSER'S NOSE 272
266.--"HE SLID AROUND SO QUICK" 272
267.--"HE CUT AN OPENING IN THE ICE" 273
268.--THE PICKEREL BITES 273
269.--"THE BETTER OF THE FIGHT" 274
270.--"AND PULLED TIM KEYSER THROUGH" 274
271.--UNDER WATER 275
272.--AN AWFUL SNEEZE 275
273.--HE FLOATS ASHORE 276
274.--"HE VERY ROUNDLY SWORE" 276
275.--AT DINNER 277
276.--A VERY WET TIME (_Initial Letter_) 278
277.--A DAMP FISHERMAN 279
278.--FORLORN 279
279.--THE COMIC UMBRELLA 280
280.--DELICATE WARRIORS 281
281.--THE EXPERIMENT OF COOMBS 281
282.--AN EMBARRASSED PANTHER 282
283.--BRINGING HOME THE MONSTER 282
284.--GETTING READY FOR ACTION 283
285.--THE MEDICINE MAN DIES 283
286.--COOLEY AWAITS THE SIMOOM 286
287.--THE JUDGE ENJOYS THE WEATHER 290
288.--PERFECTLY SATISFIED 291
289.--THE GENUINE WEATHER-GAUGE 292
290.--"A FRIEND OF MAN" (_Initial Letter_) 293
291.--THE IMPETUOSITY OF BOB 296
292.--A SOMNAMBULIST 297
293.--A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE 297
294.--DREAMING OF MAGRUDER 297
295.--UNDER THE BED 298
296.--BOB IS AMAZED 298
297.--HUNTING FOR HENRY 298
298.--THE MYSTERY UNRAVELED 299
299.--"PERFECTLY STILL" 300
300.--THE CONSEQUENCES OF A SNEEZE 301
301.--THE DOG LEAVES 301
302.--I SUDDENLY CLIMB THE FENCE 301
303.--SOLD 302
304.--"COMMERE TO ME" 302
305.--A VICTIM 303
306.--A HUMAN ECHO 304
307.--IT WON'T ANSWER 304
308.--AFTER THAT BOY 305
309.--A BALD-HEADED PARTY (_Initial Letter_) 306
310.--A DELUGE OF LETTERS 308
311.--MRS. SINGERLY'S POODLE 309
312.--THE RALLY OF THE BALDHEADED 309
313.--A MICROSCOPIC EXAMINATION 310
314.--BENJAMIN P. GUNN 313
315.--A VISIT TO MRS. KEMPER 315
316.--GUNN WAITS WITH THE DOCTOR 317
317.--POUNDING ON THE PARTITION 317
318.--UP THE STEEPLE 318
319.--INTO THE CRATER 318
320.--BENJAMIN IS EJECTED 319
321.--PORTRAIT OF GUNN 319
322.--ON THE WAR PATH 323
323.--GENERAL GAGE AND THE BOY (_Initial Letter_) 324
324.--THE JUDGE IS PUZZLED 329
325.--CATECHIZING HIM 329
326.--THE DOCTORS AT HILLEGASS'S HOUSE 330
327.--HILLEGASS RECOVERS 331
328.--THE JOKE ON THE CHIEF 332
329.--A DELUGE 332
330.--THE COMBAT ON THE STAIRS 333
331.--A FIREMAN 333
332.--THE BONE CONTROVERSY (_Initial Letter_) 334
333.--EXAMINING THE PREMISES 335
334.--WE PROCEED CAREFULLY 336
335.--AN EXPLOSION AT COOLEY'S 339
336.--THE REMAINS SCATTER 340
337.--"FOOLING WITH A GUN" 341
338.--SELFRIDGE ARGUES WITH SMITH 342
339.--THE RIVAL JURIES 343
340.--COOLEY TURNS UP 344
341.--"TOSSED THE LITTLE BABY" 348
342.--THAT MUMMY 349
343.--A PATENT-OFFICE REPORT (_Initial Letter_) 350
344.--PUB. DOCS 351
345.--ALPHONSO LIES IN WAIT 353
346.--LUCULLUS, THE SERENADER 353
347.--DEATH OF ALPHONSO 354
348.--LUCULLUS BREAKS JAIL 354
349.--SMITH BOMBARDS THE ARTISTS 355
350.--THE LOVERS FLOAT ASHORE 356
351.--A PARTING SCENE 357
352.--SMILEY IS INTOXICATED 358
353.--"HE LEAPED INTO THE SEA" 360
354.--BOB IS RESCUED 361
355.--NURSING THE INVALID 362
356.--TAIL-PIECE 362
357.--BEFORE THE MASS MEETING (_Initial Letter_) 363
358.--THE SERENADERS AT PITMAN'S 365
359.--COOLEY ARGUES WITH DANIEL WEBSTER 366
360.--THE DISCOMFITED DRUMMER 367
361.--THE KICKAPOO'S MISTAKE 369
362.--A PATRIOTIC DUTCHMAN 370
363.--COLLAPSED 370
364.--COMMODORE SCUDDER'S DOG 371
365.--THE COMMITTEE WELCOMES ME 373
366.--THE COLD-EYED DRUMMER 375
367.--"GO, MARK HIM WELL" 376
368.--MR. HOTCHKISS'S JOKE 379
369.--THE DRUMMER GLARES AT ME 381
370.--I RETREAT IN DESPAIR 386
371.--A SOLEMN VOW 386
372.--THE WAITER (_Initial Letter_) 387
373.--THE COLLARS IN HIS TRUNK 389
374.--A SHIRT-BUTTON LOST 390
375.--WAITING FOR THE BRIDE 390
376.--AT THE RECEPTION 392
377.--PITMAN EXPRESSES HIS VIEWS 394
378.--"WE FLUNG A SHOE AFTER THEM" 394
379.--THE FINAL BOW 398
OUT OF THE HURLY-BURLY.
CHAPTER I.
THE FOUNDER OF NEW CASTLE--A SEARCH FOR QUIETNESS--LIFE IN THE CITY
AND THE VILLAGE--WHY THE LATTER IS PREFERABLE--PECULIARITIES OF THE
VILLAGE--A SLEEPY OLD TOWN--WE ERECT OUR FAMILY ALTAR.
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If Peter Menuit had never been born, it is extremely probable that this
book would not have been written. Mr. Menuit, however, had nothing to do
with the construction of the volume, and his controlling purpose perhaps
was not to prepare the way for it. Peter Menuit was a Swede who in 1631
came sailing up the Delaware River in a queer old craft with bulging
sides and with stem and stern high in the air. Moved by some mysterious
impulse, he dropped his anchor near a certain verdant shore and landed.
Standing there, he surveyed the lovely scene that lay before him in the
woodland and the river, and then announced to his companions his
determination to remain upon that spot. He began to erect a town upon
the bank that went sloping downward to the sandy beach, and his only
claim to the immortality that has been allotted to him is that he
created what is now New Castle.
It would be pleasant, if it did not seem vain, to hope that New Castle
will base its aspirations to enduring fame upon the circumstance that
another humble personage came, two hundred years and more after Menuit's
arrival, to live in it and to tell, in a homely but amiable fashion, the
story of some of its good people, and to say something of a few of their
peculiarities, perplexities and adventures.
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We were in search of quietness. The city has many charms and many
conveniences as a place of residence; and there are those who, having
accustomed themselves to the methods of life that prevail among the
dense populations of the great towns, can hardly find happiness and
comfort elsewhere. But although the gregarious instinct is strong
in me, I cannot endure to be crowded. I love my fellow-man with
inexpressible affection, but oftentimes he seems more lovable when I
behold him at a distance. I yearn occasionally for human society, but
I prefer to have it only when I choose, not at all times and seasons
without intermission. In the city, however, it is impossible to secure
solitude when it is desired. If I live, as I must, in one of a row of
houses, the partition walls upon both sides are likely to be thin. It
is possible that I may have upon the one hand a professor of music
who gives, throughout the day, maddening lessons to muscular pupils
and practices scales himself with energetic persistency during the
night. Upon the other side there may be a family which cherishes two
or three infants and sustains a dog. As a faint whisper will penetrate
the almost diaphanous wall, the mildest as well as the most violent of
the nocturnal demonstrations of the children disturb my sleep; and when
these have ceased, the dog will probably become boisterous in the yard.
If there is not a boiler-making establishment in the street at the rear
of the house, there will be a saw-mill with a steam whistle, and it is
tolerably certain that my neighbor over the way will either have a
vociferous daughter who keeps the window open while she sings, or will
permit his boy to perform upon a drum. There is incessant noise in
street and yard and dwelling. There is perpetual, audible evidence of
the active existence of human beings. There is too much crowding and too
little opportunity for absolute withdrawal from the confusion and from
contact with the restless energy of human life.
It has always seemed to me that village life is the happiest and the
most comfortable, and that the busy city man who would establish his
home where he can have repose without inconvenience and discomfort
should place it amid the trees and flowers and by the grassy highway of
some pretty hamlet, where the noise of the world's greater commerce
never comes, and where isolation and companionship are both possible
without an effort. Such a home, planted judiciously in a half acre,
where children can romp and play and where one can cultivate a few
flowers and vegetables, mingling the sentimental heliotrope with the
practical cabbage, and the ornamental verbena with the useful onion, may
be made an earthly Paradise.
There must not be too much ground, for then it becomes a burden and a
care. There are few city men who have the agricultural impulse so strong
in them that they will find delight, after a day of mental labor and
excitement, in rasping a garden with a hoe in the hope of securing a
vegetable harvest. A very little exercise of that kind, in most cases,
suffices to moderate the horticultural enthusiasm of the inexperienced
citizen. It is pleasant enough to weed a few flowers or to toss a
spadeful or two of earth about the roots of the grapevine when you feel
disposed to such mild indulgence in exercise; but when the garden
presents tasks which must be performed no matter what the frame of mind
or the condition of the body, you are apt, for the first time, to have a
thorough comprehension of the meaning of the curse uttered against the
ground when Adam went forth from Eden. It is far better and cheaper to
hire a competent man to cultivate the little field; then in your leisure
moments you may set out the cabbage plants upside down and place poles
for the strawberry vines to clamber upon, knowing well that if evil is
done, it will be corrected on the morrow when the offender is far away,
and when the maledictions of the agricultural expert, muttered as he
relieves the vegetables from the jeopardy in which ignorance has placed
them, cannot reach your ears.
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I like a house not too old, but having outward comeliness, with
judicious arrangement of the interior, and all of those convenient
contrivances of the plumber, the furnace-maker and the bell-hanger which
make the merest mite of a modern dwelling incomparably superior in
comfort to the most stupendous of marble palaces in the ancient times. I
would have no neighbor's house within twenty yards upon either side; I
would have noble shade trees about the place, and I would esteem it a
most fortunate thing if through the foliage I could obtain constant
glimpses of some shining stream upon whose bosom ships come to and fro,
and on which I could sometimes find solace and exercise in rowing,
fishing and sailing.
* * * * *
Village life is the best. It has all the advantages of residence in the
country without the unpleasant things which attend existence in a wholly
rural home. There is not the oftentimes oppressive solitude of the
country, nor is there the embarrassment that comes from the distance to
the station, to the shops and to the post-office. There are the city
blessings of the presence of other human beings, and of access to the
places where wants may be supplied, without the crowds, without the
mixed and villainous perfumes of the streets and without the immoderate
taxes. With the conveniences of a civilized community, a village may
have pure and healthful air, opportunity for parents and children to
amuse themselves out of doors, cheap fare, moderate rent, milk which
knows not the wiles of the city dealer, and a moral atmosphere in which
a family may grow up away from the temptations and the evil associations
which tend to corrupt the young in the great cities.
More than this, I like life in the village because it brings a man into
kindlier relations with his fellows than can be obtained elsewhere. In
the city I am jostled at every step by those who are strangers to me,
who know nothing of me, and who care nothing. In the village I am known
by every one, and I know all. If I have any title to respect, it is
admitted by the entire society of the place, and perhaps I may even win
something of affection if I am worthy of it.
In the country town, too, you may have your morals carefully looked
after. There are prying eyes and busy tongues, and you are so
conspicuous that unless you walk straightly, the little world around
you shall know of your slips and falls. You may quarrel with your wife
for ever in the city and few care to hear the miserable story; but in
the village the details of the conjugal contest are heralded about
before the day is spent.
The interest that is felt in you is amazing. The cost of your
establishment is as well known as if it were blazoned upon the walls.
You cannot impose upon the people with a pretence of splendor if you
have not the reality; one gossiping old woman who has discovered the
sham will make you an object of public scorn in an hour. The village
knows how your children are dressed and trained; how often you have
mutton and the extent of your indulgence in beef. The cost of your
carpets is a matter of common notoriety; your differences with your
servants are discussed at the sewing-circle, and the purchase of new
clothing for your family is a concern of public interest. The arrival of
your wife's winter bonnet actually creates excitement in the village
society, and you are certain, therefore, to get the full worth of your
investment in that article of dress, while the owner obtains unlimited
satisfaction; for winter bonnets are purchased for the benefit of other
people chiefly, not for the convenience and happiness of the wearers.
Every man is something of a hero-worshiper; and if in the city I find
it difficult to select an idol from among the many who thrust their
greatness upon me, I am not so embarrassed in the village. Here I will
probably find but one man who is revered as the embodiment of
the worshipful virtues. He has larger wealth than any of his
fellow-villagers; he lives in the most sumptuous house in the place; he
belongs to the oldest family, and his claim to superiority is admitted
almost without question by his reverent townsmen. It gives me joy to add
my voice to the chorus of admiration, and to feel humble in that
presence wherein my neighbors have humility. Sometimes, of course, I
cannot help perceiving that the object of this adoration is, after all,
a very pigmy of his kind. I am compelled to admit that his fortune seems
large only because mine and Jones's are small; that his house is a
palace only for the reason that it dwarfs my little cottage; that if
unassisted brains carried the day, and strutting was felonious, he would
certainly occupy a much less magnificent position. I know that in a
greater community he would be wholly insignificant. And yet I admit his
claim to profound respect. It pleases me to see him play his little
part, and to observe with what calm, luxurious confidence in his own
right and title to homage he passes through life. And I know, after all,
that the greater men, out in the busy hurly-burly of the world, are not
so very much greater. A good deal of their claim to superiority, too, is
a miserable sham; and doubtless, if we could see them as closely as we
see our village grandee, we should find that they also depend much upon
popular credulity for the stability of their reputations.
[Illustration: NEW CASTLE FROM THE RIVER.]
My pompous village nabob, too, is honest. I am sure of this. He helps to
conduct the government of the community, but he does his duty fairly and
he is a gentleman. I could love him for that alone, and for that feel a
deeper affection for life in his village. When I go to the city and
perceive what creatures wield the power there, when I watch the
trickery, the iniquity, the audacious infamy, of the cliques that
control the machinery of that great government, and when I look, as I do
sometimes, into the faces of those who are thus leagued for plunder and
power, only to see there vulgarity, ignorance, vice and general moral
filthiness, my soul is made sick. I can turn then with pleasure to the
simple methods with which our village is governed, and honestly give my
respect to the guileless old gentleman who presides over its destinies.
We wish for quietness, and in New Castle it can be obtained, I think, in
a particularly concentrated form. When Swede and Dutchman and Englishman
had done contending for possession of the place, there was peace until
the Revolution came, and with it ships of war and privateers, and such
hurrying of troops and supplies across from New Castle to Frenchtown,
from the Delaware to the Chesapeake, as kept the old town in a stir.
There was then an interval of repose until the second war with England,
when these busy scenes were re-enacted. Later in the century a mighty
stir was made by the construction of a railroad, one of the earliest in
the country, to Chesapeake Bay; then, as the excitement died away, the
old town gradually went to sleep, and for nearly forty years it
slumbered so soundly that there seemed to be a chance that it would
never wake again. But time achieves wonderful things, and perhaps the
day will come when the vicinity of the old town to the bay, the depth of
water at its shores and the facilities offered for manufacturing and
easy transportation, may make the village a great industrial centre,
with hundreds of mills and multitudes of working-people. But as we join
ourselves to the community there is no promise of such an awakening. We
have still the profound repose and the absence of change that make the
place so dear to those who have known it in their childhood. There are
the paved streets where the grass grows thickly; the ancient wharves
protruding into the stream, deserted but by the anglers and the naked
and wicked little boys who go in to swim; the tumbling stone ice-piers,
a little way out in the river; the old court-house, whose steeple is the
point upon which moves the twelve-mile radial line whose northern end
describes the semi-circular boundary of Delaware; the rickety town-hall,
the ancient churches and the grim old houses with moss-covered roofs,
the Battery, with its drooping willows and its glorious vista of river
and shore beyond, and the dense masses of foliage, shutting out the sky
here and there as one passes along the streets.
Into such a house as I have described, not far from the river, and with
our neighbors at a little more than arm's length, I have come with wife
and family, with household gods and domestic paraphernalia generally, to
begin the life which will supply the material wherewith to construct the
ensuing pages. It may perhaps turn out that the better part of that
existence will not be told, but perchance it may be that the events
related will be those which will possess for the reader greatest
interest and amusement.
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