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THE CABMAN'S GUIDE TO POLITENESS.--No. I.
(_In short, easy Lessons, arranged after the fashion of the
Child's Handbook to Useful Knowledge._)
[Illustration]
_Question._ I suppose your chief desire is to make as much out of the
public as possible?
_Answer._ I suppose it is.
_Q._ And you will be as glad to attain your object by politeness as by
any other method?
_A._ Well, of course it don't matter to me how I get the coin, so long
as I do get it.
_Q._ Precisely. Well, have you ever tried to be polite?
_A._ Never. Don't know exactly what the word represents.
_Q._ So I thought. Well, I will attempt to teach you its meaning by
example.
_A._ Thank you; so long as it helps me, and don't hurt you, what's the
odds?
_Q._ Certainly; I see that you have some rudimentary knowledge of the
matter already. Well, to begin. Suppose a fare gave you less than what
you considered your right charge, how would you behave?
_A._ If a policeman wasn't in the way, I should say "What's this?" and
glare at him indignantly.
_Q._ Have you found this a successful method of obtaining an increase?
_A._ Well, no, not much. Of course if you get an old lady, or a mother
with a heap of children, you can do almost anything with them.
_Q._ But let us take a smart cavalry officer, who knows his way about
town, do you think the method you suggest would be successful with
him?
_A._ No, I don't; but no cavalry officer who was really smart would
offer me less than my fare.
_Q._ But we are assuming that there may be some question about the
fare. For instance, what would you consider the right charge from
Charing Cross railway-station to the St. James's Theatre?
_A._ Why, eighteen pence, to be sure, and a cheap eighteen pence in
the bargain.
_Q._ Your computation of the charge will suit my purpose. Of course,
you know that the police put the distance at something less than two
miles, I may say considerably less?
_A._ I daresay they do, but the police are not everybody, and you said
I was not to consider the constables if they weren't on the spot. If
they were, of course that would make a difference.
_Q._ Assume you get a shilling. Now suppose you were to look at the
coin, and to say, "I beg your pardon, Sir, but are you aware this
shilling is a George the Fourth, or a well-preserved William the
Fourth, or an early Victoria, would you not like to exchange it for
one of less historical interest?" Do you not think that such a speech,
with a civil touch of the hat, would immediately attract attention?
_A._ It might, but I can't say for certain, as I have never tried it.
_Q._ I did not suppose that you had. Do you not believe that were you
to make such a remark your kind consideration would receive attention?
_A._ Quite as likely as not, but what then?
_Q._ Well, having established yourself on a friendly footing, could
you not improve the occasion by adding, "I do not know whether you are
aware of the fact, Sir, but I frequently receive eighteen pence for
the very distance you have just travelled?"
_A._ Of course I could, but what good would it be?
_Q._ That you will probably find out if you act on my suggestion, and
now, as I have taught you enough for to-day, I will adopt a driver's
phrase and "pull up." Have you anything polite to say to me which will
prove to me that you have been bettered by my instruction?
_A._ Nothing that I can think of, unless it be, "Thank you for
nothing."
_Q._ That is scarcely the reply I had expected. However, do not be
disheartened, to thank me at all is a move in the right direction. And
now you will come again?
_A._ Well, yes, when I have nothing better to do.
_Q._ I am infinitely obliged to you. I will detain you no longer.
Good-bye, and I hope you will adopt my method and find it successful.
_A._ I hope so, too. But there's no telling.
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[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
"DON'T GO, CANON; I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A LADY WHO WISHES TO MAKE
YOUR ACQUAINTANCE."
"OH--ER--I'M RATHER IN A HURRY; SOME OTHER DAY, PERHAPS--ER--ER."
"IT'S MY WIFE, YOU KNOW."
"OH, THAT'S _DIFFERENT_. I THOUGHT YOU SAID A _LADY_! I SHALL BE
CHARMED!"]
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