As I intend to write the following pages entirely for my own amusement,
and as they will most probably never meet the eye of mortal man,
who alone can decipher them, it is unnecessary for me to make any
observations on the doctrine of metempsychosis, to which indeed my reader
(if there shall ever be one) may perhaps not be inclined to give implicit
belief. It is unnecessary for me, therefore, to begin by alluding to my
former visit to this earth. I shall not even hint, whether if it ever
took place, it was in antediluvian ages, or during the Babylonian,
Grecian, or Roman glory; or in more modern times. Be assured, however,
gentle reader, (if any there ever be,) that I have the faculty of
observation--that I have seen many generations of men--that I have been
in almost every corner of the habitable world, and that I am intimately
acquainted with the history of mankind.--(Sir Walter Scott's Novels I
have listened to with the greatest attention!)--I have eat opium in
Constantinople--garlic in Italy--potatoes in Ireland. I have dabbled my
whiskers in Guava jelly--have drunk rack at Delhi, and at New South Wales
I have enjoyed the luxuries of Kangaroo soup and Opossum gravy. I have
been at the Highland-moors with young Englishmen--at Melton with young
Scotsmen, and at bathing-quarters with old dowagers and their daughters.
I have travelled in all ways--by seas--by land--on foot--on horseback--in
a carriage--in a ship--in a palanquin--in a muff; but the motion of the
camel I never could bear, it so jolted my poor old bones, and discomposed
my whole body. India never agreed well with me. The insects, not to
mention the serpents, annoyed me. The heat made me quite bilious; and,
indeed, I began to feel my liver affected. And however partial I
naturally was to perfumes, I soon had a great dislike to the strong smell
of musk, which I felt about myself, and which, as I observe every
historian agrees, very soon begins to appear in all of my species who
reside for any time in India. Musk should not of itself be disagreeable;
but to have it constantly below one's nose, and to have every thing you
touch smelling of it, you may easily conceive must be very annoying.
The Count de Buffon, whom we reckon one of our best historians, I see,
says we are an omnivorous animal, and that we only seem to prefer hard
substances to those which are tender or succulent. In this, however, he
is mistaken; at least I can answer for myself. I know, for my part, I
prefer mulligatawney and a tender young chicken, to an old pair of boots
or a well-picked bone.
I have the misfortune, my reader, whoever you may be, to belong to a
race to which you have an aversion; I may say a perfect horror. I am a
wretched proscribed animal. A lady would faint at the sight of me; and if
I should merely run across a room, a whole legion of boys and footmen
would be after me; and if they should kill me, they themselves, and I am
afraid every other person, would give them credit for doing a meritorious
action. But, gentle reader, our character is worse than it should be.
Although we never received any kindness from man, I am sure I can answer
for myself, at least, I have not very often done him mischief for
mischief's sake; and do remember that I did not choose my own form, and
that perhaps I am now doomed to animate it from the contempt and cruelty,
with which, in better days, I may have used the species. But I moralize,
and this does not well suit my present condition. You may think it as
ridiculous an idea as an oyster in love, which, I remember, used to
tickle my fancy. I must only for one moment be allowed to observe, that
man bestows far too much care and attention on that green-eyed monster,
which I do detest--I mean the cat. If we were caressed and made much of
like it, and half so carefully attended to, I am sure we would make a
much better return, and be truly grateful and attached. My friend Buffon
seems perfectly to understand their character, and I must be allowed to
quote a sentence or two from him, which I know will be much more credited
than any thing I could myself say. "They possess," says he, "an innate
malice, and perverse disposition, which increase as they grow up, and
which education teaches them to conceal, but not to subdue. From
determined robbers, the best education can only convert them into
flattering thieves, for they have address, subtlety, and desire of
plunder." ... "They easily assume the habits of society, but never
acquire its manners, for they have only the appearance of attachment and
friendship." And again he says, "the cat appears to have no feelings
which are not interested--to have no affection which is not conditional--
and to carry on no intercourse with man, but with the view of turning it
to his own advantage. Even the tamest are under no subjection, for they
act merely to please themselves."
The dog is a very different animal. He is really attached to his master,
and only lives to serve him. A dog is a perfect gentleman, and I love to
fight with gentlemen.
The Apostle Paul, in his Epistle to the Philippians, says,--"Beware of
dogs!" c. iii. v. 2. Now, I cannot help always having thought, that he
must have meant cats. It is very easy to suppose the Greek word "[Greek:
kunas]," may have crept in instead of "[Greek: galas]" and this, indeed,
is I believe, corroborated by the folio manuscript copy of the Bible, of
1223, in the British Museum.
Our race is generally said to have come from some of the islands in the
Levant, or according to others, from Sweden; but I can ascertain with
certainty, that my family came to France along with the Huns, and that my
immediate ancestors came over to England with William the Conqueror, in
1066. I consider my blood, therefore, as purely British as any of the
inhabitants of the island. There is a tradition among us, that the
descendants of the pair who cruised with old Noah, settled in the north
of Asia, and that we were to be found no where else for about 500 years
afterwards. As to this, however, I do not pretend to speak with certainty;
but one thing I know, that wherever man is seen to inhabit, we are to be
found--wherever he goes, we attend him. We sent out parties to make
discoveries with Vasquez de Gama, Dampier, Anson, and Cook, and although
we English gentlemen (who have no blood-relationship with the Norwegians)
are known to have such a natural abhorrence at cold, the love of science
prevailed, and a strong party were sent to the frozen seas with Ross,
Lyon, and Parry. Pontoppidan sagely observes, that "neither the wood nor
water R*ts can live farther north than Norway; that there are several
districts, as that of Hordenvor, in the diocese of Bergen, and others in
the diocese of Aggerhum, where no R*ts are to be found; and that the R*ts
on the south banks of the Vormen soon perish, when carried to the north
side of it." But we do not reckon Mr. Pontoppidan a historian implicitly
to be believed, and indeed the Admiralty took such care of us, that we
might have remained for years at the Pole itself, without even having the
toothache!
We always accompany the first visiters of countries, and when they take
possession for their king, we do so for ourselves; and without being put
to much trouble in carrying out stores, we have always the best and the
pick of every thing. Often have I laughed at the pains man took to
preserve his property from man. Stone and iron are made to do their
best-armed sentries walking night and day--when all the time I have,
with the coolest composure, been daily wallowing in the best of every
thing. Nature abhors a vacuum, and will not allow us to starve,
especially in the midst of plenty; but I may safely say, that I never
wantonly destroyed, and, if possible, have always preferred the rich
man's store.
Before the flood, as the cave of Yorkshire no doubt proves, we were to be
found in this island--but upon this subject I shall not enter at present.
Probably what is now Britain, was not then an island--I leave this,
however, to wiser heads!
In the beginning of the year ----, my parents accompanied the baggage of
the ---- Dragoon Guards to Scotland. They told me they came in the carts
with the sergeants' wives, as being the most comfortable. I was born
above one of the stables on the east side of the court of Piershill
barracks, or as I used to hear the soldiers then call it, "Jock's Lodge,"
which is within a mile and a half of Edinburgh. My father was a kind,
sensible gentleman, and was much esteemed by all his friends; and I
sincerely forgive him for the great desire, and the many attempts he made
to eat me up. It was a natural instinct, and poor fellow, he could not be
blamed for it. If he had succeeded, it would have saved me many vexations
and trials, but my poor mother thought otherwise; and I am sure she
fought most valiantly with my father whenever he made any attempt of the
kind.
[He might, perhaps, have lived and died in the barracks where he was born,
had it not been for his miraculous escape from a _hunt_ by the officers
of the dragoons. A few nights afterwards a large band of R*ts made an
excursion of several miles, and in returning, remained for a day or two
at Leith. "It being a sea-port, they met with some of their own species
from all parts of the world, the language of most of whom they could not
understand."--He travels in the pocket of a captain to Edinburgh. His
adventures in this city are very amusing. He next sails for Holland.]
We set sail in a few days with a fair wind down the Frith, and soon left
the Bass and the May behind us. I must confess, I was a little afraid,
when, for the first time, I was out of sight of land. It is a dismal
thought to have nothing but sea and sky around, and only a frail plank
between us and the fathomless depths of ocean. This was my first voyage;
but many a day and month and year have I spent on the water since that
time.
I was a little squeamish or so for the first day, but nothing like some
of our passengers. The great secret I have always found, is to eat plenty,
and drink a little brandy; that is much better than all your quack
receipts.
We had a dog on board, but he was a lazy, mangy fellow, and gave us
little trouble. The wind continued favourable, and on the sixth evening,
the lights of Goeree and Helvoetsluis were visible. Some of the
passengers left us at the latter town; but I merely went ashore and took
a rapid look of the streets, and of the guard-ship, which was in the Dock
in the centre of the town, and returned to the smack by the captain's
boat. I saw rather a curious scene on board the man-of-war. Some of her
men had been engaged in a row the previous night, and were sentenced to
be flogged. After being stripped, they seemed to dip each man in the
water before commencing the more disagreeable part of the operation. If I
had not been in such a hurry, I should certainly have made bold to have
carried a biscuit to a poor little midshipman, who was condemned to
remain twelve hours at the mast-head for some nonsense or other, and who
looked most miserably cold.
Mynheer is certainly a strange fat-bottomed animal after all. His pipe
never seems to be out of his mouth, nor his hands out of his pockets. The
pilots who came on board, with their very little hats, their immense wide,
short breeches, and large wooden shoes, surprised me not a little. The
Dutch get the credit of being very cleanly, but I cannot say much as to
that, in their persons at least. The Bad Huis, or Bath Hotel, which is on
the Boom Keys, the best street in Rotterdam, was recommended to me as the
only one a gentleman could go to, and there accordingly I and four of the
passengers took up our quarters.
Upon the whole, there did not appear much to be seen in the town. The
inhabitants seemed more an eating and drinking sort of people than any
thing else. Their ferries through the town are a very great nuisance,
as one cannot always have a doit about them; and a surly, brown, Dutch
rascal at one time had the impudence to stop me till I had to borrow
from a friend. The statue of Erasmus is a shabby concern.
A party were intending, I found, to make a trip along the Rhine; so
I thought I could not do better than join them. We went by the Hague,
Haarlem, and Amsterdam. With the last, I was much disappointed. They say
it contains 200,000 human inhabitants, but it has not even a tolerable
hotel. The famous Haarlem tulip gardens, I of course visited,
particularly those of Van Eeden. I wonder what the fools could see in
tulips, who gave 10,000 guilders for one root. The organ is certainly
very fine; but it nearly cracked the drum of my ears.
When at Amsterdam, I was nearly carried off to Archangel, which would, at
the time, have been rather a bore indeed. After a grand let-off, given by
a rich burgo-master, to which my friends got me a special invitation, I
incautiously exceeded in the curaçoa, of which I did not at all then know
the strength. The vessel put to sea, and I had enough to do to secure
my retreat in the pilot boat. From Amsterdam we proceeded in a curious,
large diligence to Utrecht, and from that to Cologne. We had twelve
(human) passengers inside, who smoked the whole time without intermission.
I, as well as all my species, are most partial to perfumes, and I did not
therefore fail to visit the representative of Signior Jean Marie Farina
in his shop, No. 4568, à la rue haute à Cologne. Nothing struck me
particularly in this town of Cologne. The streets are very narrow, and
seemed dull enough. To be sure, the principal one, which is said to be a
German league in length, is rather fine. The old convent of the Ladies of
St. Ursula, is curious at least. They show you in it the bones of 11,000
virgins, who they say were murdered by the Huns at the time of their
invasion, when they destroyed the town. I might easily have had a taste
of them; but I had no fancy for such antiquated old maids. In the
Cathedral, or Dom, as they call it, you see the tomb of the three famous
kings of Cologne, and the gold and silver chests which contain the bones
of the Holy Engelberth. I don't think, in the whole town, there is any
thing else worth the trouble of looking at. The hotel "Le Prince Charles,"
I found tolerably comfortable: there is a good French cook, but he is
a saucy fellow.
(_To be concluded in our next_.)
* * * * *
THE SELECTOR;
AND
LITERARY NOTICES OF
_NEW WORKS_.
* * * * *