_August, 1900._[1]
"If we do not go to Holland, may I not go to Batavia and study
medicine?"
Father's answer to this was easy enough to comprehend; "I must never
forget that I am a Javanese"; that it would not be possible for me to
take such a step now, after twenty years it will be different--now it
would never do. There would be too many trials and difficulties to be
overcome because, "I should be the first." Father could not contain
himself any longer, but sprang up and put an end to the conversation.
Father said that he must first think about this earnestly and speak with
others and ask their advice.
At least Father did not wholly reject my idea, for Father knows that I
wish to become at any price, free, independent and unshackled, and that
I could never be happy in a married life as marriages are now, and have
always been.
Then I asked, "If the native girls' school of Dr. Abendanon should
materialize, may I not become a teacher?" and I told him what Mevrouw
Abendanon had proposed to me.
Moedertje, it was as though the doors of Heaven had sprung open and an
eternal splendour blazed before my eyes when I heard Father say: "That
is good; that is a splendid idea, you could do that very well."
"But first I should have to be trained for the position; I should have
to go to school for a year or so and study, to be able to pass the
examination, because I would not undertake the work unless I were fitted
for it."
And Father thought I was right and agreed with me.
I was unspeakably happy, I had never thought that it would be so easy,
not a single bitter sharp word had been spoken; I felt as though a great
weight had been lifted from my heart. Father had been so tender, so
loving. Then I had not been mistaken in my faith in his love for me, in
my belief in his sympathy for his child: I knew that Father would suffer
more than I, if he should cause me misery and that he hoped even as
fervently as I, that a way might be found for me.
It was because of him that I felt so miserable for months; that I was so
vacillating, weak and cowardly; because I could not bear to hurt him,
and I felt that I must; for I could not debase myself or allow my
woman's heart, my dignity as a woman, as a human being, to be trampled
upon. I would have set myself against my parents. I was morally bound by
my own pride and self-respect, my duty to myself not to submit in
silence. The inward strife has been terrible.
And now I have won Father over to my side. With that the greatest
difficulty is overcome, the greatest stumbling block cleared from the
way. I can go forward now to meet the enemy unafraid, gay and
self-confident, with a smile on my face.
Now everything depends upon myself alone. It will be the fault of my own
will if by any chance I shall fail to reach my goal, but I am full of
hope and courage. I have already asked Father if I may tell the good
news to Mevrouw Abendanon, and I may; this very evening I am writing to
you and to her.
It is still doubtful whether the native girls' school will come into
existence, but I never despair. It will be accomplished one way or
another, for there are some, though not many, it is true, who are
striving to help our native world and to bring light to the native
woman.
At Djokja we went to see Mevrouw Ter Horst, as I have already written
you. She was very cordial to us and went to the station to meet us,
where however she missed us, for we got off a station further on. She
had a table already spread for us when we arrived. We went to see her
because she had something to talk about with me.
She told me that the plans of Resident de B., of which we had known
nothing, differed from those of Dr. Abendanon. His idea was to build a
domestic school for daughters of native chiefs, with the Government's
help, if possible. If not, by some other means.
The Resident had asked her to sketch out a plan, the details of which he
would fill in; she now asked for my ideas, and what I thought the native
girls, daughters of chiefs, high and low, should be taught.
If the endeavour of Dr. Abendanon to found a native girls' school,
should fail, which Heaven forbid, and I should not become a teacher
after all; then you will not desert me Moedertje, will you? But you will
try to help me to obtain Father's permission to study medicine. May I
not have that assurance from you and your husband too? You could do so
much because you have great influence with Father.
Since that memorable noonday talk, Father has been so affectionate to
me; he takes my hand between his two hands tenderly, and puts his arm
around me so lovingly, as though he would protect me from some impending
danger. Through everything I feel his immeasurable love, and it makes me
very happy.
Since we have come back from Batavia, we have a queer feeling as though
we had only come home to rest until evening, to say "Good day" and then
to fly away again. Whither? I shall enjoy being at home now to the
utmost for nowhere in the whole world will it be as pleasant to me as in
my own parents' house, and I am so thankful because whenever--be it
today or tomorrow--I shall leave that house, it will be with their
blessing; and I hope also from my heart, with the blessing of its other
inmates too.
As a child I could learn with a fair amount of ease, I was never
backward, but between then and now lies a whole lifetime. Everything
that I learned at the grammar school I have forgotten. I was twelve and
a half years of age when I left it. But one can almost always accomplish
what one wishes to very hard. Is it not true, Moedertje?
I have written this confession with the full conviction, the firm trust
that no one can take a warmer interest in my plans than you and
Mijnheer, and what I have just related concerns my whole future. I know
that I can go to you at any time when I need advice, support and
comfort; in the time to come I shall certainly go to you many times.
[1] To Mevrouw Ovink-Soer.