In these distressing junctures, it may cheer the reader's spirits, and
will tend to explain for him what is coming, if we glance a little into
the Friedrich-Wilhelm TABAGIE (TABAKS-COLLEGIUM or Smoking College),
more worthy to be called Tobacco-Parliament, of which there have already
been incidental notices. Far too remarkable an Institution of the
country to be overlooked by us here.
Friedrich Wilhelm, though an absolute Monarch, does not dream of
governing without Law, still less without Justice, which he knows well
to be the one basis for him and for all Kings and men. His life-effort,
prosecuted in a grand, unconscious, unvarying and instinctive way, may
be defined rather as the effort to find out everywhere in his affairs
what was justice; to make regulations, laws in conformity with that, and
to guide himself and his Prussia rigorously by these. Truly he is not
of constitutional turn; cares little about the wigs and formalities of
justice, pressing on so fiercely towards the essence and fact of it; he
has been known to tear asunder the wigs and formalities, in a notably
impatient manner, when they stood between him and the fact. But Prussia
has its Laws withal, tolerably abundant, tolerably fixed and supreme:
and the meanest Prussian man that could find out a definite Law, coming
athwart Friedrich Wilhelm's wrath, would check Friedrich Wilhelm in
mid-volley,--or hope with good ground to do it. Hope, we say; for the
King is in his own and his people's eyes, to some indefinite extent,
always himself the supreme ultimate Interpreter, and grand living codex,
of the Laws,--always to some indefinite extent;--and there remains for a
subject man nothing but the appeal to PHILIP SOBER, in some rash cases!
On the whole, however, Friedrich Wilhelm is by no means a lawless
Monarch; nor are his Prussians slaves by any means: they are patient,
stout-hearted, subject men, with a very considerable quantity of radical
fire, very well covered in; prevented from idle explosions, bound to
a respectful demeanor, and especially to hold their tongues as much as
possible.
Friedrich Wilhelm has not the least shadow of a Constitutional
Parliament, nor even a Privy-Council, as we understand it; his Ministers
being in general mere Clerks to register and execute what he
had otherwise resolved upon: but he had his TABAKS-COLLEGIUM,
Tobacco-College, Smoking Congress, TABAGIE, which has made so much noise
in the world, and which, in a rough natural way: affords him the uses
of a Parliament, on most cheap terms, and without the formidable
inconveniences attached to that kind of Institution. A Parliament
reduced to its simplest expression, and, instead of Parliamentary
eloquence, provided with Dutch clay-pipes and tobacco: so we may define
this celebrated Tabagie of Friedrich Wilhelm's.
Tabagies were not uncommon among German Sovereigns of that epoch: George
I. at Hanover had his Smoking-room, and select smoking Party on an
evening; and even at London, as we noticed, smoked nightly, wetting
his royal throat with thin beer, in presence of his fat and of his lean
Mistress, if there were no other company. Tobacco,--introduced by the
Swedish soldiers in the Thirty-Years War, say some; or even by the
English soldiers in the Bohemian or Palatinate beginnings of said War,
say others;--tobacco, once shown them, was enthusiastically adopted by
the German populations, long in want of such an article; and has done
important multifarious functions in that country ever since. For truly,
in Politics, Morality, and all departments of their Practical and
Speculative affairs, we may trace its influences, good and bad, to this
day.
Influences generally bad; pacificatory but bad, engaging you in idle
cloudy dreams;--still worse, promoting composure among the palpably
chaotic and discomposed; soothing all things into lazy peace; that all
things may be left to themselves very much, and to the laws of gravity
and decomposition. Whereby German affairs are come to be greatly
overgrown with funguses in our Time; and give symptoms of dry and of
wet rot, wherever handled. George I., we say, had his Tabagie; and
other German Sovereigns had: but none of them turned it to a Political
Institution, as Friedrich Wilhelm did. The thrifty man; finding it
would serve in that capacity withal. He had taken it up as a commonplace
solace and amusement: it is a reward for doing strenuously the day's
heavy labors, to wind them up in this manner, in quiet society of
friendly human faces, into a contemplative smoke-canopy, slowly
spreading into the realm of sleep and its dreams. Friedrich Wilhelm was
a man of habitudes; his evening Tabagie became a law of Nature to him,
constant as the setting of the sun. Favorable circumstances, quietly
noticed and laid hold of by the thrifty man, developed this simple
evening arrangement of his into a sort of Smoking Parliament, small
but powerful, where State-consultations, in a fitful informal way,
took place; and the weightiest affairs might, by dexterous management,
cunning insinuation and manoeuvring from those that understood the art
and the place, he bent this way or that, and ripened towards such issue
as was desirable.
To ascertain what the true course in regard to this or the other high
matter will be; what the public will think of it; and, in short, what
and how the Executive-Royal shall DO therein: this, the essential
function of a Parliament and Privy-Council, was here, by artless cheap
methods, under the bidding of mere Nature, multifariously done; mere
taciturnity and sedative smoke making the most of what natural intellect
there might be. The substitution of Tobacco-smoke for Parliamentary
eloquence is, by some, held to be a great improvement. Here is
Smelfungus's opinion, quaintly expressed, with a smile in it, which
perhaps is not all of joy:--
"Tobacco-smoke is the one element in which, by our European manners, men
can sit silent together without embarrassment, and where no man is bound
to speak one word more than he has actually and veritably got to say.
Nay, rather every man is admonished and enjoined by the laws of honor,
and even of personal ease, to stop short of that point; at all events,
to hold his peace and take to his pipe again, the instant he has spoken
his meaning, if he chance to have any. The results of which salutary
practice, if introduced into Constitutional Parliaments, might evidently
be incalculable. The essence of what little intellect and insight there
is in that room: we shall or can get nothing more out of any Parliament;
and sedative, gently soothing, gently clarifying tobacco-smoke (if the
room were well ventilated, open atop, and the air kept good), with the
obligation to a MINIMUM of speech, surely gives human intellect and
insight the best chance they can have. Best chance, instead of the worst
chance as at present: ah me, ah me, who will reduce fools to silence
again in any measure? Who will deliver men from this hideous nightmare
of Stump-Oratory, under which the grandest Nations are choking to a
nameless death, bleeding (too truly) from mouth and nose and ears, in
our sad days?"
This Tobacco-College is the Grumkow-and-Seckendorf chief field of
action. These two gentlemen understand thoroughly the nature of the
Prussian Tobacco-Parliament; have studied the conditions of it to the
most intricate cranny: no English Whipper-in or eloquent Premier knows
his St. Stephen's better, or how to hatch a measure in that dim hot
element. By hint, by innuendo; by contemplative smoke, speech and
forbearance to speak; often looking one way and rowing another,--they
can touch the secret springs, and guide in a surprising manner the big
dangerous Fireship (for such every State-Parliament is) towards
the haven they intend for it. Most dexterous Parliament-men
(Smoke-Parliament); no Walpole, no Dundas, or immortal Pitt, First
or Second, is cleverer in Parliamentary practice. For their Fireship,
though smaller than the British, is very dangerous withal. Look at this,
for instance: Seckendorf, one evening, far contrary to his wont, which
was prostrate respect in easy forms, and always judicious submission
of one's own weaker judgment, towards his Majesty,--has got into some
difficult defence of the Kaiser; defence very difficult, or in reality
impossible. The cautious man is flustered by the intricacies of his
position, by his Majesty's indignant counter-volleys, and the
perilous necessity there is to do the impossible on the spur of the
instant;--gets into emphasis, answers his Majesty's volcanic fire by
incipient heat of his own; and, in short, seems in danger of forgetting
himself, and kindling the Tobacco-Parliament into a mere conflagration.
That will be an issue for us! And yet who dare interfere? Friedrich
Wilhelm's words, in high clangorous metallic plangency, and the
pathos of a lion raised by anger into song, fall hotter and hotter;
Seckendorf's puckered brow is growing of slate-color; his shelf-lip,
shuttling violently, lisps and snuffles mere unconciliatory
matter:--What on earth will become of us?--"Hoom! Boom!" dexterous
Grumkow has drawn a Humming-top from his pocket, and suddenly sent it
spinning. There it hums and caracoles, through the bottles and glasses;
reckless what dangerous breakage and spilth it may occasion. Friedrich
Wilhelm looked aside to it indignantly. "What is that?" inquired he, in
metallic tone still high. "Pooh, a toy I bought for the little Prince
August, your Majesty: am only trying it!" His Majesty understood the
hint, Seckendorf still better; and a jolly touch of laughter, on both
sides, brought the matter back into the safe tobacco-clouds again.
[Forster, ii. 110.]
This Smoking Parliament or TABAKS-COLLEGIUM of his Prussian Majesty
was a thing much talked of in the world; but till Seckendorf and Grumkow
started their grand operations there, its proceedings are not on record;
nor indeed till then had its political or parliamentary function become
so decidedly evident. It was originally a simple Smoking-Club; got
together on hest of Nature, without ulterior intentions:--thus English
PARLIAMENTA themselves are understood to have been, in the old Norman
time, mere royal Christmas-Festivities, with natural colloquy or
PARLEYING between King and Nobles ensuing thereupon, and what
wisest consultation concerning the arduous things of the realm the
circumstances gave rise to. Such parleyings or consultations,--always
two in number in regard to every matter, it would seem, or even three;
one sober, one drunk, and one just after being drunk,--proving of
extreme service in practice, grew to be Parliament, with its three
readings, and what not.
A Smoking-room,--with wooden furniture, we can suppose,--in each of his
Majesty's royal Palaces, was set apart for this evening service, and
became the Tabagie of his Majesty. A Tabagie-room in the Berlin Schloss,
another in the Potsdam, if the cicerone had any knowledge, could still
be pointed out:--but the Tobacco-PIPES that are shown as Friedrich
Wilhelm's in the KUNSTKAMMER or Museum of Berlin, pipes which no
rational smoker, not compelled to it, would have used, awaken just doubt
as to the cicerones; and you leave the Locality of the Tabagie a thing
conjectural. In summer season, at Potsdam and in country situations,
Tabagie could be held under a tent: we expressly know, his Majesty held
Tabagie at Wusterhausen nightly on the Steps of the big Fountain, in
the Outer Court there. Issuing from Wusterhausen Schloss, and its little
clipped lindens, by the western side; passing the sentries, bridge and
black ditch, with live Prussian eagles, vicious black bears, you come
upon the royal Tabagie of Wusterhausen; covered by an awning, I should
think; sending forth its bits of smoke-clouds, and its hum of human
talk, into the wide free Desert round. Any room that was large enough,
and had height of ceiling, and air-circulation and no cloth-furniture,
would do: and in each Palace is one, or more than one, that has been
fixed upon and fitted out for that object.
A high large Room, as the Engravings (mostly worthless) give it us:
contented saturnine human figures, a dozen or so of them, sitting round
a large long Table, furnished for the occasion; long Dutch pipe in the
mouth of each man; supplies of knaster easily accessible; small pan of
burning peat, in the Dutch fashion (sandy native charcoal, which burns
slowly without smoke), is at your left hand; at your right a jug,
which I find to consist of excellent thin bitter beer. Other costlier
materials for drinking, if you want such, are not beyond reach. On
side-tables stand wholesome cold-meats, royal rounds of beef not
wanting, with bread thinly sliced and buttered: in a rustic but neat
and abundant way, such innocent accommodations, narcotic or nutritious,
gaseous, fluid and solid, as human nature, bent on contemplation and
an evening lounge, can require. Perfect equality is to be the rule; no
rising, or notice taken, when anybody enters or leaves. Let the entering
man take his place and pipe, without obligatory remarks: if he cannot
smoke, which is Seckendorf's case for instance, let him at least affect
to do so, and not ruffle the established stream of things. And so, Puff,
slowly Pff!--and any comfortable speech that is in you; or none, if you
authentically have not any.
Old official gentlemen, military for most part; Grumkow, Derschau,
Old Dessauer (when at hand), Seckendorf, old General Flans (rugged
Platt-Deutsch specimen, capable of TOCADILLE or backgammon, capable of
rough slashes of sarcasm when he opens his old beard for speech): these,
and the like of these, intimate confidants of the King, men who could
speak a little, or who could be socially silent otherwise,--seem to have
been the staple of the Institution. Strangers of mark, who happened to
be passing, were occasional guests; Ginckel the Dutch Ambassador, though
foreign like Seckendorf, was well seen there; garrulous Pollnitz, who
has wandered over all the world, had a standing invitation. Kings, high
Princes on visit, were sure to have the honor. The Crown-Prince, now
and afterwards, was often present; oftener than he liked,--in such an
atmosphere, in such an element. "The little Princes were all wont
to come in," doffing their bits of triangular hats, "and bid Papa
good-night. One of the old Generals would sometimes put them through
their exercise; and the little creatures were unwilling to go away to
bed."
In such Assemblage, when business of importance, foreign or domestic,
was not occupying the royal thoughts,--the Talk, we can believe, was
rambling and multifarious: the day's hunting, if at Wusterhausen; the
day's news, if at Berlin or Potsdam; old reminiscences, too, I can
fancy, turning up, and talk, even in Seckendorf's own time, about Siege
of Menin (where your Majesty first did me the honor of some notice),
Siege of Stralsund, and--duly on September 11th at least--Malplaquet,
with Marlborough and Eugene: what Marlborough said, looked: and
especially Lottum, late Feldmarschall Lottum; [Died 1719.] and how the
Prussian Infantry held firm, like a wall of rocks, when the horse were
swept away,--rocks highly volcanic, and capable of rolling forward too;
and "how a certain Adjutant [Derschau smokes harder, and blushes brown]
snatched poor Tettau on his back, bleeding to death, amid the iron
whirlwinds, and brought him out of shot-range." [_ Militair-Lexikon,_
iv. 78,? Major-General von Tettau, and i. 348,? Derschau. This was the
beginning of Derschau's favor with Friedrich Wilhelm, who had witnesssed
this piece of faithful work.]--"Hm, na, such a Day, that, Herr
Feldzeugmeister, as we shall not see again till the Last of the Days!"
Failing talk, there were Newspapers in abundance; scraggy Dutch
Courants, Journals of the Rhine, FAMAS, Frankfurt ZEITUNGS; with which
his Majesty exuberantly supplied himself;--being willing to know what
was passing in the high places of the world, or even what in the dark
snuffy Editor's thoughts was passing. This kind of matter, as some
picture of the actual hour, his Majesty liked to have read to him, even
during meal-time. Some subordinate character, with clear windpipe,--all
the better too, if he be a book-man, cognizant of History, Geography,
and can explain everything,--usually reads the Newspaper from some
high seat behind backs, while his Majesty and Household dine. The same
subordinate personage may be worth his place in the Tabagie, should
his function happen to prove necessary there. Even book-men, though
generally pedants and mere bags of wind and folly, are good for
something, more especially if rich mines of quizzability turn out to be
workable in them.
OF GUNDLING, AND THE LITERARY MEN IN TOBACCO-PARLIAMENT.
Friedrich Wilhelm had, in succession or sometimes simultaneously, a
number of such Nondescripts, to read his Newspapers and season his
Tabagie;--last evanescent phasis of the old Court-Fool species;--who
form a noticeable feature of his environment. One very famous literary
gentleman of this description, who distanced every competitor, in the
Tabagie and elsewhere, for serving his Majesty's occasions, was Jakob
Paul Gundling; a name still laughingly remembered among the Prussian
People. Gundling was a Country-Clergyman's son, of the Nurnberg quarter;
had studied, carrying off the honors, in various Universities; had read,
or turned over, whole cartloads of wise and foolish Books (gravitating,
I fear, towards the latter kind); had gone the Grand Tour as travelling
tutor, "as companion to an English gentleman." He had seen courts,
perhaps camps, at lowest cities and inns; knew in a manner, practically
and theoretically, all things, and had published multifarious Books
of his own. [List of them, Twenty-one in number, mostly on learned
Antiquarian subjects,--in Forster, ii. 255, 256.] The sublime long-eared
erudition of the man was not to be contested; manifest to everybody;
thrice and four times manifest to himself, in the first place.
In the course of his roamings, and grand and little tours, he had come
to Berlin in old King Friedrich's time; had thrown powder in the eyes of
men there, and been appointed to Professorships in the Ritter-Academy,
to Chief-Heraldships,--"Historiographer Royal," and perhaps other honors
and emoluments. The whole of which were cut down by the ruthless scythe
of Friedrich Wilhelm, ruthlessly mowing his field clear, in the manner
we saw at his Accession. Whereby learned grandiloquent Gundling, much
addicted to liquor by this time, and turning the corner of forty, saw
himself cast forth into the general wilderness; that is to say, walking
the streets of Berlin, with no resources but what lay within himself and
his own hungry skin. Much given to liquor too. How he lived, for a
year or two after this,--erudite pen and braggart tongue his only
resources,--were tragical to say. At length a famous Tavern-keeper, the
"LEIPZIGE POLTER-HANS (Leipzig Kill-Cow, or BOISTEROUS-JACK)," as they
call him, finding what a dungeon of erudite talk this Gundling was,
and how gentlemen got entertained by him, gave Gundling the run of his
Tavern (or, I fear, only a seat in the drinking-room); and it was here
that General Grumkow found him, talking big, and disserting DE OMNI
SCIBILI, to the ancient Berlin gentlemen over their cups. A very
Dictionary of a man; who knows, in a manner, all things; and is by no
means ignorant that he knows them: Would not this man suit his Majesty?
thought Grumkow; and brought him to Majesty, to read the Newspapers and
explain everything. Date is not given, or hinted at; but incidentally
we find Gundling in full blast "in the year 1718;" [Von Loen, _Kleine
Schriften_, i. 201 (cited in Forster, i. 260).] and conclude his
instalment was a year or two before. Gundling came to his Majesty from
the Tap-room of Boisterous-Jack; read the Newspapers, and explained
everything: such a Dictionary-in-breeches (much given to liquor) as
his Majesty had got, was never seen before. Working into the man, his
Majesty, who had a great taste for such things, discovered in him such
mines of college-learning, court-learning, without end; self-conceit,
and depth of appetite, not less considerable: in fine, such Chaotic
Blockheadism with the consciousness of being Wisdom, as was wondrous
to behold,--as filled his Majesty, especially, with laughter and joyful
amazement. Here are mines of native Darkness and Human Stupidity,
capable of being made to phosphoresce and effervesce,--are there not,
your Majesty? Omniscient Gundling was a prime resource in the Tabagie,
for many years to come. Man with sublimer stores of long-eared Learning
and Omniscience; man more destitute of Mother-wit, was nowhere to be
met with. A man, bankrupt of Mother-wit;--who has Squandered any poor
Mother-wit he had in the process of acquiring his sublime long-eared
Omniscience; and has retained only depth of appetite,--appetite for
liquor among other things, as the consummation and bottomless
cesspool of appetites:--is not this a discovery we have made, in
Boisterous-Jack's, your Majesty!
The man was an Eldorado for the peculiar quizzing humor of his Majesty;
who took immense delight in working him, when occasion served. In the
first years, he had to attend his Majesty on all occasions of amusement;
if you invite his Majesty to dinner, Gundling too must be of the party.
Daily, otherwise, Gundling was at the Tabagie; getting drunk, if
nothing better. Vein after vein, rich in broad fun (very broad and
Brobdignagian, such as suits there), is discovered in him: without wit
himself, but much the cause of wit. None oftener shook the Tabagie with
inextinguishable Hahas: daily, by stirring into him, you could wrinkle
the Tabagie into grim radiance of banter and silent grins.
He wore sublime clothes: Friedrich Wilhelm, whom we saw dress up
his regimental Scavenger-Executioners in French costume, for Count
Rothenburg's behoof, made haste to load Gundling with Rathships,
Kammerherrships, Titles such as fools covet;--gave him tolerable
pensions too, poor devil, and even functions, if they were of the
imaginary or big insignificant sort. Above all things, his Majesty
dressed him, as the pink of fortunate ambitious courtiers. Superfine
scarlet coat, gold buttonholes, black-velvet facings and embroideries
without end: "straw-colored breeches; red silk stockings," with probably
blue clocks to them, "and shoes with red heels:" on his learned head
sat an immense cloud-periwig of white goat's-hair (the man now growing
towards fifty); in the hat a red feather:--in this guise he walked the
streets, the gold Key of KAMMERHERR (Chamberlain) conspicuously hanging
at his coat-breast; and looked proudly down upon the world, when sober.
Alas, he was often not sober; and fiends in human shape were ready
enough to take advantage of his unguarded situation. No man suffered
ruder tarring-and-feathering;--and his only comfort was his bane withal,
that he had, under such conditions, the use of the royal cellars, and
could always command good liquor there.
His illustrious scarlet coat, by tumblings in the ditch, soon got dirty
to a degree; and exposed him to the biting censures of his Majesty,
anxious for the respectability of his Hofraths. One day, two wicked
Captains, finding him prostrate in some lone place, cut off his
Kammerherr KEY; and privately gave it to his Majesty. Majesty, in
Tabagie, notices Gundling's coat-breast: "Where is your Key, then, Herr
Kammerherr?" "Hm, hah--unfortunately lost it, Ihro Majestat!"--"Lost it,
say you?" and his Majesty looks dreadfully grave.--"Key lost?" thinks
Tabagie, grave Seckendorf included: "JARNI-BLEU, that is something
serious!" "As if a Soldier were to drink his musket!" thinks his
Majesty: "And what are the laws, if an ignorant fellow is shot, and a
learned wise one escapes?" Here is matter for a deliberative Tabagie;
and to poor Gundling a bad outlook, fatal or short of fatal. He had
better not even drink much; but dispense with consolation, and keep his
wits about him, till this squall pass. After much deliberating, it is
found that the royal clemency can be extended; and an outlet devised,
under conditions. Next Tabagie, a servant enters with one of the biggest
trays in the world, and upon it a "Wooden Key gilt, about an ell long;"
this gigantic implement is solemnly hung round the repentant Kammerherr;
this he shall wear publicly as penance, and be upon his behavior, till
the royal mind can relent. Figure the poor blockhead till that happen!
"On recovering his metal key, he goes to a smith, and has it fixed on
with wire."
What Gundling thought to himself, amid these pranks and hoaxings, we do
not know. The poor soul was not born a fool; though he had become one,
by college-learning, vanity, strong-drink, and the world's perversity
and his own. Under good guidance, especially if bred to strict silence,
he might have been in some measure a luminous object,--not as now a
phosphorescent one, shining by its mere rottenness! A sad "Calamity of
Authors" indeed, when it overtakes a man!--Poor Gundling probably
had lucid intervals now and then; tragic fits of discernment, in the
inner-man of him. He had a Brother, also a learned man, who retained his
senses; and was even a rather famed Professor at Halle; whose
Portrait, looking very academic, solemn and well-to-do, turns up in
old printshops; whose Books, concerning "Henry the Fowler (_De Henrico
Aucupe_)," "Kaiser Conrad I.," and other dim Historical objects, are
still consultable,--though with little profit, to my experience. The
name of this one was NICOLAUS HIERONYMUS; ours is JAKOB PAUL, the senior
brother,--once the hope of the House, it is likely, and a fond Father's
pride,--in that poor old Nurnberg Parsonage long ago!
Jakob Paul likewise continued to write Books, on Brandenburg Heraldries,
Topography, Genealogies: even a "LIFE" or two of some old Brandenburg
Electors are still extant from his hand; but not looked at now by any
mortal. He had been, perhaps was again, Historiographer Royal; and felt
bound to write such Books: several of them he printed; and we hear of
others still manuscript, "in five folio volumes written fair." He held
innumerable half-mock Titles and Offices; among others, was actual
President of the Berlin Royal Society, or ACADEMIE DES SCIENCES,
Leibnitz's pet daughter,--there Gundling actually sat in Office; and
drew the salary, for one certainty. "As good he as another," thought
Friedrich Wilhelm: "What is the use of these solemn fellows, in their
big perukes, with their crabbed X+Y's, and scientiflc Pedler's-French;
doing nothing that I can see, except annually the _Berlin Almanac,_
which they live upon? Let them live upon it, and be thankful; with
Gundling for their head man."
Academy of Sciences makes its ALMANAC, and some peculium of profit by
it; lectures perhaps a little "on Anatomy" (good for something, that,
in his Majesty's mind); but languishes--without encouragement during
the present reign. Has his Majesty no prize questions to propose, then?
None, or worse. He once officially put these learned Associates upon
ascertaining for him "Why Champagne foamed?" They, with a hidden vein
of pleasantry, required "material to experiment upon." Friedrich Wilhelm
sent them a dozen, or certain dozens; and the matter proved insoluble
to this day. No King, scarcely any man, had less of reverence for
the Sciences so called; for Academic culture, and the art of the
Talking-Schoolmaster in general! A King obtuse to the fine Arts,
especially to the vocal Arts, in a high degree. Literary fame itself he
regards as mountebank fame; the art of writing big admirable folios
is little better to him than that of vomiting long coils of wonderful
ribbon, for the idlers of the market-place; and he bear-baits his
Gundling, in this manner, as phosphorescent blockhead of the first
magnitude, worthy of nothing better.
Nay, it is but lately (1723 the exact year) that he did his
ever-memorable feat in regard to Wolf and his Philosophy, at Halle.
Illustrious Wolf was recognized, at that time, as the second greater
Leibnitz, and Head-Philosopher of Nature, who "by mathematical method"
had as it were taken Nature in the fact, and illuminated everything, so
that whosoever ran might read,--which all manner of people then tried
to do, but, have now quite ceased trying "by the Wolf-method:"--Immortal
Wolf, somewhat of a stiff, reserved humor, inwardly a little proud, and
not wanting in private contempt of the contemptible, had been accused of
heterodoxy by the Halle Theologians. Immortal Wolf, croakily satirical
withal, had of course defended himself; and of course got into a
shoreless sea of controversy with the Halle Theologians; pestering his
Majesty with mere wars, and rumors of war, for a length of time, from
that Halle University. [In Busching (_Beitrage,_ i. l-140) is rough
authentic account of Wolf, and especially of all that,--with several
curious LETTERS of Wolf's.] So that Majesty, unable to distinguish top
or bottom in such a coil of argument; or to do justice in the case,
however willing and anxious, often passionately asked: "What, in
God's name, is the real truth of it?" Majesty appointed Commissions to
inquire; read Reports; could for a long while make out nothing certain.
At last came a decision on the sudden;--royal mind suddenly illuminated,
it is a little uncertain how. Some give the credit of it to Gundling,
which is unlikely; others to "Two Generals" of pious orthodox turn,
acquainted with Halle;--and I have heard obscurely that it was the Old
Dessauer, who also knew Halle; and was no doubt wearied to hear nothing
talked of there but injured Philosopher Wolf, and injuring Theologian
Lange, or VICE VERSA. Some practical military man, not given to take up
with shadows, it likeliest was. "In God's name, what is the real truth
of all that?" inquired his Majesty, of the practical man: "DOES Wolf
teach hellish doctrines; as Lange says, or heavenly, as himself says?"
"Teaches babble mainly, I should think, and scientific Pedler's French,"
intimated the practical man: "But they say he has one doctrine about
oaths, and what he calls foundation of duty, which I did not like. Not
a heavenly doctrine that. Follow out that, any of your Majesty's
grenadiers might desert, and say he had done no sin against God!"
[Busching, i. 8; Benekendorf, _Karakterzilge aus dem Leben Konig
Friedrich Wilhelm I._ (Anonymous, Berlin, 1787), ii. 23.] Friedrich
Wilhelm flew into a paroxysm of horror; instantly redacted brief Royal
Decree [15th November (Busching says 8th), 1723.] (which is still extant
among the curiosities of the Universe), ordering Wolf to quit Halle
and the Prussian Dominions, bag and baggage, forevermore, within
eight-and-forty hours, "BEY STRAFE DES STRANGES, under pain of the
halter!"
Halter: the Head-Philosopher of Nature, found too late, will be hanged,
as if he were a sheep-stealer; hanged, and no mistake! Poor Wolf
gathered himself together, wife and baggage; girded up his loins;
and ran with the due despatch. He is now found sheltered under
Hessen-Darmstadt, at Marburg, professing something there; and all the
intellect of the world is struck with astonishment, and with silent or
vocal pity for the poor man.--It is but fair to say, Friedrich Wilhelm,
gradually taking notice of the world's humor in regard to this, began to
have his own misgivings; and determined to read some of Wolf's Books for
himself. Reading in Wolf, he had sense to discern that here was a man of
undeniable talent and integrity; that the Practical Military judgment,
loading with the iron ramrod, had shot wide of the mark, in this matter;
and, in short, that a palpable bit of foul-play had been done. This was
in 1733;--ten years after the shot, when his Majesty saw, with his own
eyes, how wide it had gone. He applied to Wolf earnestly, more than
once, to come back to him: Halle, Frankfurt, any Prussian University
with a vacancy in it, was now wide open to Wolf. But Wolf knew better:
Wolf, with bows down to the ground, answered always evadingly;--and
never would come back till the New Reign began.
Friedrich Wilhelm knew little of Book-learning or Book-writing; and
his notion of it is very shocking to us. But the fact is, O reader,
Book-writing is of two kinds: one wise, and may be among the wisest
of earthly things; the other foolish, sometimes far beyond what can be
reached by human nature elsewhere. Blockheadism, Unwisdom, while
silent, is reckoned bad; but Blockheadism getting vocal, able to speak
persuasively,--have you considered that at all? Human Opacity falling
into Phosphorescence; that is to say, becoming luminous (to itself and
to many mortals) by the very excess of it, by the very bursting of
it into putrid fermentation;--all other forms of Chaos are cosmic in
comparison!--Our poor Friedrich Wilhelm had seen only Gundlings among
the Book-writing class: had he seen wiser specimens, he might have
formed, as he did in Wolf's case, another judgment. Nay in regard to
Gundling himself, it is observable how, with his unutterable contempt,
he seems to notice in him glimpses of the admirable (such acquirements,
such dictionary-faculties, though gone distracted!),--and almost has a
kind of love for the absurd dog. Gundling's pensions amount to something
like 150 pounds; an immense sum in this Court. [Forster, i. 263, 284
(if you can RECONCILE the two passages).] A blockhead admirable in some
sorts; and of immense resource in Tobacco-Parliament when business is
slack!--
No end to the wild pranks, the Houyhnhnm horse-play they had with
drunken Gundling. He has staggered out in a drunk state, and found, or
not clearly FOUND till the morrow, young bears lying in his bed;--has
found his room-door walled up; been obliged to grope about, staggering
from door to door and from port to port, and land ultimately in the
big Bears' den, who hugged and squeezed him inhumanly there. Once at
Wusterhausen, staggering blind-drunk out of the Schloss towards his
lair, the sentries at the Bridge (instigated to it by the Houyhnhnms,
who look on) pretend to fasten some military blame on him: Why has
he omitted or committed so-and-so? Gundling's drunk answer is
unsatisfactory. "Arrest, Herr Kammerrath, is it to be that, then!" They
hustle him about, among the Bears which lodge there;--at length they
lay him horizontally across two ropes;--take to swinging him hither and
thither, up and down, across the black Acherontic Ditch, which is frozen
over, it being the dead of winter: one of the ropes, LOWER rope, breaks;
Gundling comes souse upon the ice with his sitting-part; breaks a big
hole in the ice, and scarcely with legs, arms and the remaining rope,
can be got out undrowned. [Forster (i. 254-280); founding, I suppose,
on _Leben und Thaten des Freiherrn Paul von Gundling_ (Berlin, 1795);
probably not one of the exactest Biographies.]
If, with natural indignation, he shut his door, and refuse to come to
the Tabagie, they knock in a panel of his door; and force him out with
crackers, fire-works, rockets and malodorous projectiles. Once the poor
blockhead, becoming human for a moment, went clean away; to Halle where
his Brother was, or to some safer place: but the due inveiglements,
sublime apologies, increase of titles, salaries, were used; and the
indispensable Phosphorescent Blockhead, and President of the Academy of
Pedler's-French, was got back. Drink remained always as his consolation;
drink, and the deathless Volumes he was writing and printing. Sublime
returns came to him;--Kaiser's Portrait set in diamonds, on one
occasion,--for his Presentation-Copies in high quarters: immortal fame,
is it not his clear portion; still more clearly abundance of good wine.
Friedrich Wilhelm did not let him want for Titles;--raised him at last
to the Peerage; drawing out the Diploma and Armorial Blazonry, in a
truly Friedrich-Wilhelm manner, with his own hand. The Gundlings,
in virtue of the transcendent intellect and merits of this Founder
Gundling, are, and are hereby declared to be, of Baronial dignity to the
last scion of them; and in "all RITTER-RENNEN (Tournaments), Battles,
Fights, Camp-pitchings, Sealings, Sightings, shall and may use the
above-said Shield of Arms,"--if it can be of any advantage to them. A
Prussian Majesty who gives us 150 pounds yearly, with board and lodging
and the run of his cellar, and honors such as these, is not to be
lightly sneezed away, though of queer humors now and then. The
highest Personages, as we said, more than once made gifts to Gundling;
miniatures set in diamonds; purses of a hundred ducats: even Gundling,
it was thought, might throw in a word, mad or otherwise, which would
bear fruit. It was said of him, he never spoke to harm anybody with his
Majesty. The poor blown-up blockhead was radically not ill-natured,--at
least, if you let his "phosphorescences" alone.
But the grandest explosions, in Tobacco-Parliament, were producible,
when you got Two literary fools; and, as if with Leyden-jars, positive
and negative, brought their vanities to bear on one another. This
sometimes happened, when Tobacco-Parliament was in luck. Friedrich
Wilhelm had a variety of Merry-Andrew Raths of the Gundling sort,
though none ever came up to Gundling, or approached him, in worth as a
Merry-Andrew.
Herr Fassmann, who wrote Books, by Patronage or for the Leipzig
Booksellers, and wandered about the world as a star or comet of some
magnitude, is not much known to my readers:--but he is too well known
to me, for certain dark Books of his which I have had to read. [_Life of
Friedrich Wilhelm,_ occasionally cited here; _Life of August the Strong;
_ &c.] A very dim Literary Figure; undeniable, indecipherable Human
Fact, of those days; now fallen quite extinct and obsolete; his
garniture, equipment, environment all very dark to us. Probably a too
restless, imponderous creature, too much of the Gundling type; structure
of him GASEOUS, not solid; Perhaps a little of the coxcomb naturally;
much of the sycophant on compulsion,--being sorely jammed into corners,
and without elbow-room at all, in this world. Has, for the rest, a
recognizable talent for "Magazine writing,"--for Newspaper editing, had
that rich mine, "California of the Spiritually Vagabond," been opened in
those days. Poor extinct Fassmann, one discovers at last a vein of weak
geniality in him; here and there, real human sense and eyesight, under
those strange conditions; and his poor Books, rotted now to inanity,
have left a small seed-pearl or two, to the earnest reader. Alas, if
he WAS to become "spiritually vagabond" ("spiritually" and otherwise),
might it not perhaps be wholesome to him that the California was NOT
discovered?--
Fassmann was by no means such a fool as Gundling; but, he was much of a
fool too. He had come to Berlin, about this time, [1726, as he himself
says (supra p. 8).] in hopes of patronage from the King or somebody;
might say to himself, "Surely I am a better man than Gundling, if
the Berlin Court has eyesight." By the King, on some wise General's
recommending it, he was, as a preliminary, introduced to the Tabagie
at least. Here is the celebrated Gundling; there is the celebrated
Fassmann. Positive Leyden-jar, with negative close by: in each of these
two men lodges a full-charged fiery electric virtue of self-conceit;
destructive each of the other;--could a conductor be discovered.
Conductors are discoverable, conductors are not wanting; and many
are the explosions between these mutually-destructive human
varieties;--welcomed with hilarious, rather vacant, huge horse-laughter,
in this Tobacco-Parliament and Synod of the Houyhnhnms.
Of which take this acme; and then end. Fassmann, a fellow not without
sarcasm and sharpness, as you may still see, has one evening provoked
Gundling to the transcendent pitch,--till words are weak, and only
action will answer. Gundling, driven to the exploding point, suddenly
seizes his Dutch smoking-pan, of peat-charcoal ashes and red-hot sand;
and dashes it in the face of Fassmann; who is of course dreadfully
astonished thereby, and has got his very eyebrows burnt, not to speak of
other injuries. Stand to him, Fassmann! Fassmann stands to him tightly,
being the better man as well as the more satirical; grasps Gundling
by the collar, wrenches him about, lays him at last over his knee,
sitting-part uppermost; slaps said sitting-part (poor sitting-part that
had broken the ice of Wusterhausen) with the hot pan,--nay some say,
strips it and slaps. Amid the inextinguishable horse-laughter (sincere
but vacant) of the Houyhnhnm Olympus.
After which, his Majesty, as epilogue to such play, suggests, That feats
of that nature are unseemly among gentlemen; that when gentlemen have
a quarrel, there is another way of settling it. Fassmann thereupon
challenges Gundling; Gundling accepts; time and place are settled,
pistols the weapon. At the appointed time and place Gundling stands,
accordingly, pistol in hand; but at sight of Fassmann, throws his pistol
away; will not shoot any man, nor have any man shoot him. Fassmann
sternly advances; shoots his pistol (powder merely) into Gundling's
sublime goat's-hair wig: wig blazes into flame; Gundling falls
shrieking, a dead man, to the earth; and they quench and revive him
with a bucket of water. Was there ever seen such horse-play? Roaring
laughter, huge, rude, and somewhat vacant, as that of the Norse gods
over their ale at Yule time;--as if the face of the Sphinx were to
wrinkle itself in laughter; or the fabulous Houyhnhnms themselves were
there to mock in their peculiar fashion.
His Majesty at length gave Gundling a wine-cask, duly figured;
"painted black with a white cross," which was to stand in his room as
MEMENTO-MORI, and be his coffin. It stood for ten years; Gundling often
sitting to write in it; a good screen against draughts. And the poor
monster was actually buried in this cask; [Died 11th April, 1731, age
58: description of the Burial "at Bornstadt near Potsdam," in Forster,
i. 276.] Fassmann pronouncing some funeral oration,--and the orthodox
clergy uttering, from the distance, only a mute groan. "The Herr Baron
von Gundling was a man of many dignities, of much Book-learning; a man
of great memory," admits Fassmann, "but of no judgment," insinuates
he,--"LOOKING FOR the Judgment (EXPECTANS JUDICIUM)," says Fassmann, with
a pleasant wit. Fassmann succeeded to all the emoluments and honors; but
did not hold them; preferred to run away before long: and after him
came one and the other, whom the reader is not to be troubled with here.
Enough if the patient reader have seen, a little, into that background
of Friedrich Wilhelm's existence; and, for the didactic part, have
caught up his real views or instincts upon Spiritual Phosphorescence, or
Stupidity grown Vocal, which are much sounder than most of us suspect.
These were the sports of the Tobacco-Parliament; and it was always meant
primarily for sport, for recreation: but there is no doubt it had a
serious function as well. "Business matters," adds Beneckendorf, who had
means of knowing, [Benekendorf, _Karakterzuge,_ i. 137-149; vi. 37.]
"were often a subject of colloquy in the TABAKS-COLLEGIUM. Not that they
were there finished off, decided upon, or meant to be so. But Friedrich
Wilhelm often purposely brought up such things in conversation there,
that he might learn the different opinions of his generals and chief
men, without their observing it,"--and so might profit by the Collective
Wisdom, in short.