_Another Apartment in NEVILLE'S House--In the back
Scene, Glass Doors, with Curtains._
_Enter LOUISA COURTNEY._
_Louisa._ Still in the same house, yet still afraid to meet him! Oh,
Neville! my superior in every thing; how can I hope for your
forgiveness? while you revealed an affection it had done you credit to
deny, I concealed a passion I might have been proud to confess.
_Enter VAPID and MARIANNE._
_Mari._ Oh! Miss Courtney! my sweet Miss Courtney! Mr Vapid, here, has
run away with me, and I am so frightened for fear of Lady Waitfor't.
_Louisa._ Yes, she may well alarm you,--she has destroyed my peace for
ever! but have you seen Mr Neville? yet, why do I ask!
_Vapid._ Seen Mr Neville!--What, doesn't he yet know you are in his
lodgings?
_Louisa._ No, and I hope never will--the moment his brother returns, I
shall set out for my uncle's, and perhaps never see him more.
_Vapid._ And why not see him, ma'am?
_Louisa._ Because I cannot bear the sight of one I have so injured.
_Vapid._ This'll do--mutual equivoque! equal misunderstanding! my own
case exactly!
_Mari._ Your own case! Lord! you base man, have you got a young lady in
your lodgings?
_Vapid._ Ridiculous! don't talk about young ladies at such an awful--the
very situation in my comedy! the last scene to a syllable!--here's an
opportunity of improving the denouement!
_Enter PETER._
_Peter._ Ma'am, my master is returned--the occasion of his delay has
been a long interview with Mr Willoughby,--he doesn't know you are here.
_Louisa._ Marianne, excuse me--you'll be safe from Lady Waitfor't
here--indeed I'm very ill.
_Mari._ Nay--where are you going?
_Louisa._ Alas! any where to avoid him--farewell! and may you enjoy that
happiness I have for ever lost! [_Exit._
_Mari._ Poor dear girl! I mustn't leave her thus--Mr Vapid, we won't run
away till something is done for her.
_Vapid._ Go,--there's a good girl--follow her, and comfort her.
_Mari._ I will--Lord! if they must be happy in being friends again, what
must I be who make them so! [_Exit._
_Vapid._ The picture before me! all from nature,--I must heighten his
distress, for contrast is every thing--Peter, not a word for your life.
_Enter NEVILLE._
_Nev._ Vapid, I am glad to see you--any letter from my brother?
[_To PETER._
_Peter._ None, sir.
_Nev._ Nor message?
_Peter._ No, sir.
_Nev._ Then I need doubt no longer--'tis evident he avoids me--cruel,
ungenerous Floriville!-- [_Seats himself._
_Vapid._ [_Leaning over his Chair._] Miss Courtney will never see you
again.
_Nev._ I know it--too well I know it--that, and that alone, makes me
determined to leave this country for ever.
_Vapid._ You are unhappy then?
_Nev._ Completely so.
_Vapid._ Then stop.--[_Sits by him._] She was an angel, Harry.
_Nev._ Ay, a divinity!
_Vapid._ And then to lose her!
_Nev._ [_Rising._] 'Sdeath!--don't torment me!--my griefs are already
beyond bearing.
_Vapid._ It will do--he's as unhappy as I could wish.
_Peter._ I can hold no longer--sir!
_Vapid._ Hush!--you d--d dog, you'll ruin the catastrophe.
_Peter._ I don't care--I'll tell him every thing--sir!--Mr Neville!
_Vapid._ You villain!--Do you ever go to a play?--did you ever sit in
the gallery?
_Peter._ Yes, sir, sometimes.
_Vapid._ Then know this is all for your good----you'll applaud it some
day or other, you dog--curse it, won't he have happiness enough bye and
bye?---What--you are going abroad, Neville?
_Nev._ Yes, for ever.--Farewell, Vapid.
_Vapid._ Farewell, Neville--good night----Now for the effect!--Miss
Courtney is in the next room.
_Nev._ What!
_Vapid._ Miss Courtney is in the next room.
_Nev._ Louisa! is it possible?
_Vapid._ There's light and shade!--Yes, your brother brought her here,
and she expects him to return every moment.
_Nev._ My brother! then 'tis he means to marry her--nay, perhaps they
are already married--Heavens! I shall go wild!
_Vapid._ Don't, don't go wild--that will ruin the denouement.
_Nev._ No matter--I am resolved--I'll bid her farewell for ever--Vapid,
'tis the last favour I shall ask of you--give her this, [_A Letter._]
and tell her, since I have resented Willoughby's attack on her honour, I
think I may be allowed to vindicate my own; tell her, great as have been
my faults, my truth has still been greater, and wherever I wander--
_Vapid._ Here's a flourish, now!--why you misunderstand--she is not
married, nor going to be married.
_Nev._ Come, this is no time for raillery.
_Vapid._ Raillery!--why, I'm serious--serious as the fifth act--she is
now weeping on your account.
_Nev._ Pr'ythee leave fooling, it will produce no effect, believe me.
_Vapid._ Won't it? it will produce a very great effect though, believe
me. Zounds! go to her--preserve the unity of action,--marry her
directly, and if the catastrophe does not conclude with spirit, damn my
comedy--damn my comedy--that's all, damn my comedy.
_Nev._ 'Would to Heaven you were in earnest!
_Vapid._ Earnest! why there it is now! the women, dear creatures, are
always ready enough to produce effect--but the men are so curst
undramatic.--Go to her, I tell you, go to her.
[_Exit NEVILLE.--VAPID stands aside._
_Enter LORD SCRATCH and FLORIVILLE._
_Lord._ That curst dramatic maniac,--if I see him again----
_Flor._ My dear uncle, consent to Harry's marriage, and depend on it he
shall trouble you no more.
_Lord._ I tell you again, sir, I will not.
_Flor._ Will you give any hopes of future consent?
_Lord._ By the word of a peer, I will not.
[_VAPID, coming forward, touching LORD SCRATCH on the
Shoulder, and writing in common-place book._
_Vapid._ Master Brook, let me persuade you.
_Lord._ Flames and firebrands, the fiend again!
_Vapid._ Give consent, and I'll give Neville a fortune--he shall have
the entire profit of the different plays in which I intend to have the
honour of introducing yourself and the old Lady Hurlothrumbo.
_Lord._ Oh, that I was not a peer! if I was any thing else--but, thank
Heaven, Louisa is more averse to the match than myself.
_Vapid._ Is she?
_Lord._ Yes, she knows his falsehood, and despises him.
_Vapid._ What, you are confident of it?
_Lord._ Out of my way, sir,--I'll not answer you,--I'll go take her to
town directly.--Out of my way, sir.
_Vapid._ Stop--you're wrong, Master Brook--she's in that room.
_Lord._ Where?--behind me?
_Vapid._ Yes--there--there! [_Pointing._] Now for it!--what an effect!
[_LORD S. opens the Glass Doors, and discovers NEVILLE
kneeling to LOUISA. MARIANNE with them._
_Vapid._ There, Peter! there's catastrophe!--Shakspeare's invention
nothing!--Applaud it, you dog--clap, clap, Peter, clap!
_Lord._ What are you at, you impudent rascal?--get out of the room.
[_Exit PETER._
_Vapid._ I should set this down--I may forget.
_Mari._ Lord! he has a very bad memory,--I hope he won't forget our
marriage.
_Nev._ Oh! Louisa, what am I to think?
_Louisa._ That I have wronged thee, Neville! [_Embracing._
_Flor._ My dear Harry, let this be my apology for not having seen you
before. [_Giving him a Paper._] Miss Courtney, ten thousand joys;--could
I have found my brother, you should have seen him sooner.
_Nev._ Why, here is a deed of gift of half your estate!
_Flor._ I know it, but say nothing. When you gave me money, five years
ago, did I say any thing?--no, I forgot it as soon as it was over; and
should never have recollected, at this moment, but for my lord's
inhumanity.--Uncle, I thank you,--you have made me the happiest man
alive.
_Lord._ Don't perplex me;--what a compound of folly and generosity!
_Mari._ Uncle-in-law, what are your feelings on this occasion?--as my
aunt says.
_Lord._ Feelings!--I never knew a peer had any.
_Mari._ Didn't you?
_Lord._ No; but now I find the contrary: I begin to think I've a heart
like other men. It's better to atone for an error, than persist in
one--therefore give me that deed, Neville----there, sir, [_Giving it to
FLORIVILLE._] do you think nobody has estates but yourself?--Louisa and
her fortune are your own, Neville; and after my death, you shall have
all mine:--and now there's a cursed burden off my mind.
_Mari._ Now, you're a dear creature! and I won't marry,--that's what I
won't, without consulting you.
_Lord._ You marry! why, who should you marry?--And pray, how came you
here?
_Mari._ A gentleman run away with me;--he is now in the room.
_Lord._ In the room! what, Floriville?
_Mari._ No, behind you. [_Pointing to VAPID, who is writing at a Table._
_Lord._ Ghosts and spectres! my evil genius!
_Mari._ Come, my dear, haven't you almost finished? [_VAPID rises._
_Vapid._ Yes, the denouement is complete, and now, Mrs Vapid, I resign
myself to love and you.
_Mari._ Come, give consent, my lord,--my husband will get money, though
I have none.
_Lord._ None!--I dare say he can tell you, you will have twelve thousand
pounds in less than a year.
_Vapid._ That's a new incident!
_Mari._ Shall I? then 'faith, Mr Vapid, we'll build a theatre of our
own! you shall write plays, and I'll act them.
_Enter ENNUI._
_Ennui._ I've an idea--I give you joy, Neville.--I mean to kill time, by
living single; and, therefore, I hope, the lady and the borough may be
yours.
_Mari._ Mr Ennui, I hope you'll forgive me, and Sir Harry Hustle, the
fatigue we occasioned you?
_Ennui._ Yaw, aw--don't mention it.--The very recollection makes me
faint.--In fact--my lord, I just met one of Lady Waitfor't's servants,
who tells me she has left Bath in a rage.
_Flor._ I am afraid she has escaped too easily.
_Lord._ Oh, never think of her! I can answer for her punishment being
adequate to her crimes--Willoughby has told me all her schemes,--and if
ever I hear her name again, may I lose my peerage, and dress like a
gentleman.
_Ennui._ My lord--I've an idea--
_Vapid._ Sir, I beg your pardon; but really, if you have an idea, I will
trouble you to spare it me for my comedy.
_Ennui._ In fact--I don't comprehend. I have read your "die-all"
epilogue, and--
_Vapid._ Oh, then I don't wonder at your having ideas!
_Lord._ Oh, poor fellow! he's always talking about what he never
has.--Neville, my boy, may you be as happy as I am.
_Flor._ Ay, I'll answer for his happiness by my own.--Miss Courtney,
notwithstanding my brother, I will "still live in your eye,--die in your
lap--and be buried in your heart:" and, moreover, I will stay with you
both in England.
_Louisa._ Yes, Floriville, if you would behold pure, unsullied love,
never travel out of this country. Depend on't,
No foreign climes such high examples prove,
Of wedded pleasure, or connubial love.
Long in this land have joys domestic grown,
Nursed in the cottage--cherish'd on the throne.
THE END.
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Transcriber's note:
The following typographical errors present in the original edition
have been corrected.
In Act I, Scene I, a missing question mark was added after "Has he not a
share of vanity in his composition".
In Act IV, Scene I, "_Willoughby._" was added before the lines beginning
"'Tis past the hour" and "Ha! gone,--I am sorry for it".
In Act IV, Scene II, "_Peter._" was added before the line beginning
"Vapid presents his compliments"; the line "Here's something wanting,
sir.", which was originally formatted as a stage direction, has been
reformatted as dialogue; a missing quotation mark was inserted before
the words "Die all" in the line "in the middle of my composition?--Die
all, die nobly"; and missing brackets were added before the stage
directions beginning "As he is going to sign" and the final "Exeunt".
In Act V, Scene II, "_Vapid._" was added before the line beginning
"Here's a situation!"
In the advertisements, a missing comma was added after "West Indian".